Love and Relativity (27 page)

As I roared down the highway, the sign for the cemetery flickered in my peripheral vision, the green and white lettering flashing at me with bold urgency. Without thinking, I switched lanes and pulled onto the long drive and into the parking lot, searching for him before I even stepped out from the car. I scanned the grounds for the oak tree, trying to recall on which end Sara’s stone was located. Wandering toward the formation of trees that outlined the far right edge of the cemetery, I sped up when I recognized some of the beautiful rose garden arrangements, their path leading me straight to the shaded area beneath the familiar oak tree.

I came to a complete stop when I spotted him, his back facing me as he stared down at Sara’s angel. His hands were in his jean pockets, his head hung low and shoulders sagging. Two feelings registered at the sight of him—relief, then sadness. Sadness for the man with the blanket, my savior and comfort, now the man who’d hurt me and delivered just as much pain as he’d saved me from.

As he peered down at his mom, I shivered, remembering how I’d almost missed Jen’s funeral. So emerged in despair, I’d barely been able to lift myself from his couch that morning, let alone manage to shower and make myself presentable for the ceremony. He’d helped me walk to the bathroom and waited patiently while I showered and dressed, then had driven me to the funeral himself, rescuing me from another regret I’d almost risked having to live with. The stillness in his truck was so heavy that morning, I’d clung to his presence like air to breathe the entire ride. I had struggled to stand through the wake, my mom on one side and Whitney on the other, each one supporting me like crutches. And as the ceaseless stream of friends, acquaintances, and even strangers approached me to offer their condolences, I glimpsed Jackson in the back of the room, standing silently, just as he stood now.There for me, just to make sure I was okay. To catch me if I fell.

Taking slow, cautious steps toward him, my feet crunched on the leaves beneath them, alerting him to my presence. His head gently raised and he turned to glance at me, cursing under his breath. He quickly swiped at his eyes, clearing his throat.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his voice gravelly, back still facing me.

“I needed to know you were okay.” Stepping to his side to meet him, I slipped my hands in my pockets and looked straight ahead. “I’m really sorry about your boat.”

“Thanks.”

“Jackson—”

“Emma,” his head shifted and he gave me a side glance, “you shouldn’t be here.”

“I shouldn’t? You’ve been badgering me for days now. I think I should be here.”

“I can’t do this. Not right now.”

“I’m not here to talk about us. I wanted to make sure you were safe, and to let you know that Carter offered for you to stay with him as long as you need. I know you have Ruben and Jeff, but the offer stands and he wanted me to tell you.”

He exhaled, shutting his eyes. “Okay, thank you.”

“Do you have any idea who could have done this?”

“Plenty of people.” He shrugged. “What does it matter? It’s gone.”

“I’d say it matters a whole hell of a lot.”

“What’s done is done. It’s time to move on, anyway.”

I angled my body to face him head on. His eyes were red and swollen, his agony so tangible it reverberated through my chest and pounded into my ribcage. His cheeks were wet with tears, and in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch him.

Tightening my knuckles in my pockets, I put a few more inches between us.

“So you decided against the house after all? I heard you nixed the deal.”

“Yeah, last minute I took your advice and called everything off to get the boat back. John and the Realtor weren’t very happy, but oh well. The more I thought about it, I figured it would’ve been worse, living in that house without you.”

“What will you do now?”

Another shrug. “Who the hell knows. Guess I’ll crash with Carter for a while until I figure something out. I’m done with Jeff’s bullshit, and Ruben and I can’t live together. We’d kill each other.”

“What’s Jeff’s problem, anyway?”

“He’s just pissed I was happy. And when things ended with us last week, I was miserable, and that just pissed him off more.”

“That doesn’t make much sense. Then again, Jeff has always been pretty selfish.”

“Yeah, he just wanted me to be the same guy I was before you so he’d have another jackass around to justify his dumbass decisions. I was a disappointment. He’ll get over it. He’s a shitty friend anyway.”

A somber silence stretched between us, and I knew I had to leave. Standing there any longer would only prolong the hurt, and it wasn’t the time to unleash my wrath on him for what he’d done.

“Well, you’re better off.”

“Yeah.”

“Is it true you’re not going to hang out at Pete’s anymore?”

“The place isn’t what it used to be.”

“No. It’s not.” I tucked my hair behind my ears. “So...I guess I’m gonna take off. I hope they catch whoever did this, and again...I’m really sorry this happened. Take care of yourself, okay?”

His hand shot out and gripped mine. “Wait.”

“Jackson...”

“I know my word means shit to you. But I want you to hear it directly from my mouth, not Carter’s or anyone else’s. I didn’t sleep with that girl at Pete’s. Or anyone else since you. I know I’m a broken record, so believe what you want, but it’s the truth.”

“I know what I saw.” My hand clammed up in his, but I let him hold it anyway. I almost asked whether he intended to swear on his mom’s grave again to convince me, but scolded myself and bit my tongue. That was just the hurt talking.

“I had every intention to take her up on her offer, I don’t deny it. I was lonely and my body was starving for you. Just a few nights without you and I was a dysfunctional wreck, Emma. All I saw was your face, your body, your smile...I was having these horrible dreams. When you ran into us in that hallway, I felt...relieved I didn’t go through with it. There’s no excuse whatsoever for the things I said and did that night. All I can say is, the only thing that drove me to do what I did was complete fucking torment over losing you.”

I yanked my hand away and suddenly found myself spitting Whitney’s words at him. This was beyond frustrating. “For the
last
damn time,
you
broke up with
me.
How many more times do we need to go over this?”

“Does that change the fact that I’m suffering over this shit, Emma?” He spun to face me. “Does that make my pain any less valid than yours? I broke up with you,
for
you! For fuck’s sake, what else do I have to do to make you see that? I’m sorry I won’t do long-distance with you, but it’s just not an option for me.”

“A relationship is just that, Jackson.
A relationship
. You don’t get to make those kinds of choices alone. It’s completely asinine!”

He leaned into me, eyes scorching. “I chose this so you could have it all. Staying with me, you’d be giving up everything. You did that once before with Chris, and look where that got you.”

“Oh, bullshit, Jackson. Don’t even compare what we have to what I had with Chris. Besides school, what would I be giving up if I stayed here to be with you, exactly? If I chose to go to school here instead, that’d be
my
choice, and I’d have to live with it. That decision wouldn’t fall on you. And how do you know you can’t handle long distance if you won’t even try it? You don’t get to break my heart, break yours, then run around like a child, humiliating me and blasting any chances we had into oblivion because you think you know best. Since when can you read the future, huh? Did you ever even consider that you might actually like Seattle? You were ready to move in with me, why not move
there
with me? Oh, that’s right,” I scratched my chin, “because you didn’t even give me the common courtesy to discuss it with me. It wasn’t even a possibility. You just dumped me cold turkey.”

“Think about it. What would you have done, huh? What if you were the one to pick me up from the side of the road that night? What if it was my mom instead of Jen?” He pointed to Sara’s tombstone to drive his point home. “Look at me right now and tell me you wouldn’t have done the same thing for me. If you saw me give up my dream once before for some girl, then watched me consider walking away from it for a second time just so I could stay with you, would you honestly do anything other than refuse and tell me to run like hell in the other direction?”

Stumbling back, my mouth fell open in shock. Didn’t he see? Didn’t he understand? “Jackson,” my voice cracked, the words bitter on my tongue, “you
did
walk away from your dreams. And I
did
encourage you to reach for them. I chose school? Well, you made a choice, too. You chose to stay on this island and die here with your parents. But you know what? Even after hearing you had no intention of leaving this place, I didn’t run from you. That tells me one thing. I want this more than you do.”

“That’s not fair, and you know it.”

“It’s the truth. You’re afraid.”

“There’s a key difference between me and you, Emma. You can do great things with your life. I’m destined for this,” he gestured between us, laughing in exasperation, “and nothing else. I’m a worthless, sorry excuse for a man, which you’ve figured out by now. The very best apology I can offer for the way I treated you at Pete’s is to leave you the hell alone and never see you again.”

I blinked back the pools of tears that had gathered along the corners of my eyelids. There is nothing more exhausting than loving a man at the same time he infuriates you. “This is a dead end, Jackson. I’ll never be able to convince you to fight for us until you start seeing yourself differently.”

“I hope you can forgive me someday, Emma. I really do. I’m begging you, forgive me for all of it.”

Hesitantly, I inched forward to wrap myself in his arms, all of my anger mellowing with the realization that this was the end. “I’ll forgive you when I’m ready.” I squeezed him tighter. “Goodbye, Jackson.”

He squeezed me back, then abruptly pulled away to bring my mouth to his. I flinched as his lips brushed mine, tasting them slowly, testing them for some sort of response. I melted into him and he kissed me deeper, each slide of his tongue fueled with desperation. I tasted every memory, each one forbidding me to forget all we’d shared over the years. Jackson had become my friend, confidant, and lover, and never had I lived or loved more fully than I did with him. The truth was, he owned me long before we’d decided to be together, and now, he’d own me long after I walked away.

He moved to whisper against my ear. “Goodbye, Pumpkin.”

We released each other and I felt a part of me shrivel and float away in that moment, just as a part of me remained with Jen the night she’d slipped away. I spun around and walked briskly to my car, promising myself that from this day on, I’d move out West and live just as I would if Jackson had chosen to stay with me—with enough vigor, passion, and faith to propel me toward a better future.

It would make Jen proud, and for the very first time in over a year, I felt I was worthy of deserving something.

Chapter 12

As promised, I’d returned to work for my afternoon shift after leaving Jackson at the cemetery, less anxious once I knew he was safe, but no less heartbroken. Ms.Velma was oddly docile compared to what I expected after missing her late morning check-in. Something told me that was due to my peace offering: a hussy red nail painting session. I painted, while she told me all about her long lost friend Agatha, and the scandalous shenanigans they used to get themselves into in the 1940s.

That night, I drove home from school in a haze, praying to God I didn’t blow my final math exam. Classes were over, but exam week was no less stressful. After the day I had, I’d be lucky to snag a passing grade. Each time I attempted to solve an equation, my mind would drift to Jackson and our late night tutoring sessions on his boat. They’d usually morph into lovemaking—often rough, sometimes clumsy, always intense. Then we’d roast marshmallows out on the dock, under the stars, and he’d challenge me to eat any food he whipped up in that shoebox he called a kitchen. Each concoction was grosser than the first, and he’d only reward me if I took more than two bites, which, of course, was Jackson’s favorite part. He’d always come up with some sexy, inventive way to reward me for my bravery.

When I arrived home, I tossed down my bag and headed straight for the shower, pausing only to check my voice mail messages. There were six from Whitney, two from Ruben, one from Carter, and one from my mom, telling me she’d seen the news about Jackson’s boat on the 6 o’clock news.

Stripping out of my clothes and into a robe, I called Whitney to fill her in on the rest of the afternoon. She relayed the news that Jackson had agreed to crash with Carter for a few days, and I was relieved to hear it. He’d shown up on Carter’s doorstep not long after we went our separate ways at the cemetery. There was still no word on who started the fire, but the police report had been filed, and now it was a matter of investigation. Apparently, Jackson didn’t have a valid insurance policy for the boat, so he was officially homeless, without a dime to make up for the loss. I vaguely wondered if he’d go back to working at the club, figuring that’d be his first resort to make some cash, but quickly shook that thought away.