Love and Lies (7 page)

CHAPTER TEN

Around eleven
, I settled into bed, tugged the covers up to my neck, and concentrated on the ceiling. Twenty minutes later, I heard feet shuffling outside my door, uncommon at that hour. Being a Visual Arts major meant I was in the quiet residence. The one where everyone tended to spend their time holed up in their room drawing, painting, or the like.

The shuffling stopped momentarily before picking up again. I covered my eyes with my arm and groaned. Someone was pacing outside my door.
The polite thing to do would have been to invite them in and see what I could help with. At this hour, needing help made more sense than anything else. But I wasn't in the mood, so I stuffed my head under my pillow in an effort to drown out the quiet knocking I now heard. When my phone buzzed with a text message alert, there was no way to continue ignoring the person at the door.

Carissa, I
don’t know what’s going on, but I’m worried about you. Plz let me in.
Eric texted.

With red, puffy eyes and disheveled hair
, I opened the door to find him leaning up against the wall across the hall, his jaw tense, hair rumpled, and dark circles under his eyes.

“
You were asleep?” he asked.

I shook my head.

He nodded toward my room. “May I?”

I shrugged my shoulders.
“Yeah I guess. How long have you been out here?”

“
I don't know.” He looked at his watch as he stepped through the door. “Not too long. I needed to see you, had to know that you were okay. Damn it, the way you ran out of the diner scared the shit out of me. You can’t do that again.” He yanked me forward; his fingers dug into my waist, emphasizing his words.

What little control I maintained slipped out of my reach. I began weeping into Eric's chest. God, I was so tired of crying already.

It became hard to breathe between sobs, and Eric picked me up to carry me to the couch. He sat down first then pulled me into his lap, rubbing my back with one hand, the other around my waist. “Where's Annabelle?”

“Turns out she had plans after all. She’s staying with some other chick.” I gazed at him between swollen eyes.

“
Carissa, we need to talk. Not tomorrow, not next week. Now.”

“
Yeah, I know, but it's late, and I'm afraid if I talk right now, all I'm going to do is cry some more. You must think I'm an emotional wreck, the way I keep going back and forth. Bet you’re not a fan of dating a basket case like me.” I held my head in my hands.

“
Carissa, I don't think you are crazy. I'm concerned. I wish you would talk to me, but I don't think you're crazy.” He lifted my chin to meet his eyes. “Please. I'm begging you. I don't understand why you keep running. I brought up your parents, and you bolted. We agreed to meet, and not only do you bolt, but you leave crying. You have to tell me what's going on.”

I stood.
“I can't.”

Eric was in front of me
staring me down before I had a chance to react. “No, you're going to talk. I'm not leaving until you do.”

“And you’re going to back off. Don’t push me, Eric.” I hated the way my pulse kicked up when
he blocked me. His stance reminded me too much of New York.

We had a window in the kitchen that overlooked the quad. I loved watching the trees sprout new buds and leaves drop off as they died. It was a sign of renewal, a chanc
e to start over. I moved toward it, even though it was dark outside, I knew they were there and that comforted me.

As I stood by the window and stared
into the void of night, I thought about what to say. Eric wanted me to tell him something I'd never told anyone, not even Alec. He wanted to know why the mention of my parents drew such an intense reaction. That was my deepest, darkest secret. The only people I'd ever told didn't believe me—my parents.

“
You wanna know why I ran?”

“
Yes. Most people don't run the minute you say 'parents'. You do, and I want to know why. Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything about you. Then there are days that I feel like I know exactly who you are and that we were meant to be together. I want more of those days. I want to know more about you.”

The fact that Eric, an intimidating tough guy, was sitting in my living room begging me to spill my secrets so he could know me
, because he felt like we were meant to be together, scared the hell out of me. More than that, I wanted him to know.

“
Eric, I want to tell you why. But there’s something you have to know first, otherwise you won't understand.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. I swore I heard him say something like,
“Oh, I'm sure I will,” but it was so quiet I couldn't be positive.

“
My parents kept a bodyguard—well they called them personal assistants—on me from the time I was five. They did it because I decided, like most kids, that I wanted to run away. When they couldn't find me for more than six hours, my mother vowed to never leave me alone again. She and Dad held true to that promise. It made my life a living hell. But that's not the reason I ran from you.”

“
I'm listening.”

It was all he said. The silence hung in the air while I tried to determine what to tell him.

Before I knew it, I'd closed my eyes and replayed the story in my head as I told him what he wanted to know.

“The last day I was in New York, I was shopping with my man-in-tow. This one was Igor. Stan was his real name, but that's what I called him. Anyway, he and I didn't get along very well. He was always looking at girls and making comments about how hot they were or how he wished their skirts were a little shorter. I usually ignored him, but occasionally it was too much, and I'd spout off something about him being a pedophile and threaten to turn him into the cops.”

My hands shook
at my sides. Images from that day flooded my thoughts, the normal relaxation from looking out the window not calming me like I’d hoped. Somewhere I found the resolve to keep going. “So, that day I was in an exceptional mood for some reason, I don't remember what the reason was, but I was happy nonetheless. Igor was the same as always, checking out the girls as we went through store after store, making snide comments. I decided that rather than try and piss him off, I'd take a different direction. One of the girls he stared at was wearing a yellow tank top and denim skirt that was frayed at the edges. I remember him saying she looked like one of the Strawberry Shortcake dolls with her little yellow top. So I played it up. I asked him what he'd think if I wore that outfit. At first it was all in jest. We went back and forth for a little while; I'd ask him about this or that, and he'd respond.”

Eric came and stood next to me. Hesitantly
, he rested his hands on my shoulders. I felt his lips on the back of my neck. “You don't have to finish this, princess.”

“I do. It will help you understand.” I turned to look at him. “Right now, you think I'm crazy. When I finish you will know exactly why I loathe them.” There was no way I could finish the story if I found pity in Eric's eyes as I continued, so I looked out the window again. “Anyway, our jokes kept going. Before long, Igor was leading the conversation down a path that made me really uncomfortable. We weren't talking about clothes anymore; he'd moved onto lingerie. He wanted to know what color bra and panties I was wearing. I laughed it off and ignored the question. Knowing I'd made a bad decision, I put some distance between us as we walked down the strip where we were shopping.

“
It was the start of swim season, so I was looking for a new swim suit. The last store of the day had a couple that caught my attention, so I tried them on. While I was sliding out of one and into another, the door behind me creaked open. I turned to stop the person coming in, just to find out it was Igor. With one hand holding up my top, I tried to push him out. I yelled for one of the attendants, but no one answered. Igor chuckled and reached for my arm, the one I was using to keep my top on. I hunkered down in a corner and told him to stop. When he didn't stop, I stood up. There was no way I was going to let him touch me without fighting back. In a knee jerk reaction, I balled up my fist and lunged toward him, no longer caring about the damn suit. I wanted him to hurt. To leave me alone.

“Unfortunately, I suck as a boxer, so all I did was graze his cheek. He tossed his head back and laughed. His attention shifted from my face down my body, lingering at times. When he made his way back up after getting his fill of everything else, I kicked straight up and nailed him in the crotch. Igor fell like a rock, grunting and calling me a bitch. Quickly, I grabbed my clothes and ran out the dressing room door. Of course, that's when the attendant finally came to see what was going on. Ignoring her, I fumbled to dress and hurried to the entrance. I hailed a cab and went home by myself.

“
On the way home, feeling a little safer, I called Dad to tell him what had happened. He didn't believe me and told me that Igor would never do anything like that. They'd done background checks on all the assistants, and none of them had a record.

“
When Dad refused to hear anything I said, I hung up on him and tried Mom. She defended Igor, too. Except she went one step further. She blamed me. She said I shouldn't have flirted with him. Mom actually had the balls to say I deserved it. And to think, I had some misguided notion that a mother should care about her daughter, listen to her, not push aside the daughter’s accusations when she was nearly raped.” I rotated to face Eric again and sat on the windowsill. I jabbed myself in the chest with my finger. “She blamed me.”

Eric pulled me from the ledge
and molded our bodies together, but didn't say anything. I kept talking.

“
I called Alec and told him I was leaving that night. When he asked why, I didn't answer. He never pushed me, just packed his bags and met me at the airport. At home, I was alone. Apparently, Mom was out socializing and Dad was at the office. At least that's what the maid told me. I packed my bags, called my parents, and told them I was leaving for school. Now, I only talk to them when absolutely necessary, which is once a month. When we talk, it's simply to assure them I'm alive and not breaking any laws. Fuck them. I don't care. They were wrong, not me. They should have had my back. If they really cared, they would have fired Igor then and there. No questions asked.”

“
Oh, princess, I don’t have any words. That’s just... I'm such an ass. I can't believe...” Eric tightened his hold.

We stood like that for what seemed like hours. When my knees
shook, I told him I needed to sit down. Rather than let me walk to the couch, he picked me up and carried me, then sat down with me in his lap.

“
I don't trust my parents. If you and I are going to be together, I need to be able to trust you. I was scared I wouldn't be able to if you were going to bring up my parents.”

Finally, Eric spoke
. “You can trust me, Carissa. But I want you to promise me that you will find a counselor or someone to talk to. What happened to you—it's not something to brush off.”

“
I can't promise that I will get help. I will promise that I’ll think about it.” If my parents found out I sought out professional advice I knew they’d be mad. Likely cut off the last bit of connection I had to them. I may have hated them, but it didn’t mean I’d be happier without them. What child wanted to be disowned by their family?

“
That will work, for now.”

I sat there for a minute before moving off his lap. When I stood
, I pulled him up with me. “Eric, I need you to leave. I'm glad you came over, and I'm glad we talked.” It broke my heart to say this to him, but I had to. I'd never shared my story, and I wasn't sure how to handle the emotional roller coaster I was riding. Curling up next to Eric where I felt safe was my preference, but I had to keep some distance, or I knew I'd get hurt. That's the way it always happened.

Surprisingly
, Eric didn't argue. He kissed me on the forehead and left.

I stood watching the door he'd just walked out of, unsure of my next step.

He turned to look at me. “Believe it or not, I’ve been where you’re at right now. I understand why you think I need to leave. Nothing I say right now will convince you that I won’t leave you, I won’t hurt you. So I’ll give you the space you need tonight. But don’t get it in your head that I’m leaving you for good. This is only the beginning.”

Nodding, I closed the door.

The apartment was too quiet without my roommate there. Annabelle couldn't see me like this. Even though she was supposed to be away for the night there was a chance she'd come back. If she walked in when I was teary-eyed and distraught, I'd never lived it down. I'd made it very clear that I wasn't one for crying and very rarely showed emotion when she was around.

I turned on the TV to take my mind off everything just long enough to get my nerves under control. That way if
she came home tonight, I wouldn't be caught off guard. Watching TV helped me relax enough to fall asleep.

CHAPTER
ELEVEN

“Are you okay?” Logan asked as I approached him at an empty chair in the coffee shop.

“
Do I look like I'm okay?” I snapped, before running my arm over my face. That wasn't fair. Starting out another day as a bitch wasn't going to help. I wanted to keep my friends, not alienate them.

I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. I needed to start over. Oh
, how I wished my life would return to normal. Why I thought attempting a relationship with Eric was a good idea I had no idea. I should have known better.

“
I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”

“
No. I shouldn't have snapped. I'm sorry. I can't talk about anything right now.”

“Okay, but if you want to, I'm here.” Logan picked up his things and left me to my own misery.

When I sniffled
, he stopped and turned back. I slumped forward, my butt pressed against the wall holding me up, and rubbed my hand down my face. Smart as he was, Logan didn't try to comfort me again. He turned on his foot and continued out the front door. Never before had I been both relieved and mad.

Throughout the day
, I didn't let Eric touch me, barely looked at Alec, and Logan received the brunt end of my inattention. As bad as I felt for hurting my friends, and boyfriend, I couldn’t manage to summon the energy to act otherwise. Getting everything out the night before with Eric had drained me more than I’d expected. I would have thought I’d feel lighter the next day, but that wasn’t the case.

Between classes,
I found a seat outside on the bleachers. I was finally alone and away from their questions of concern.

Logan quietly strolled up to my hiding spot and sat down next to
me. “Look, I'm sorry.”

“
What?” I asked, straining to look at him through the blinding sun.

“
I said, I'm sorry.” He rested his hands in his lap, one leg bent on the seat, the other straight out.

“
For what? You didn't do anything.”

“
I'm sorry that you're hurting. I don't know what happened, but I'm sorry. If I was the cause, don't hesitate to beat the shit out of me. I'd deserve it.”

“
Umm, okay.”

We sat in silence for a minute or two.

“Okay, this is awkward,” he said.

“
Logan, I don't know what you want from me.” I sighed. “I'm not having the best of days, and you’re out here apologizing for nothing. You've gotta give me something else.”

“
I want you to...you know what, never mind.”

“
Oh, no you don't. Finish.”

“
It's just gonna piss you off again. Why would I want to do that?”

“
Because at this point, I'm going to be pissed, regardless. You might as well make it worthwhile.”

“
You really want to know what I want from you?”

“
I thought we were friends. So yeah, I wanna know what you want from me.”

“
I want what I've always wanted. You. I don't want you with Eric.”

I sat still as a rock, my hands clenched in my lap and
turning white from restraint. What prompted this revelation? He had a thing for me. I got that. But why make a big deal right then, when I was at a low point? Did he think it would cheer me up, make things easier? We flirted, but it was innocent. I thought he knew that.

“
Whoa. Where in the heck did this come from? And why did you choose now to do this?”

“
Stop. See, I told you that it'd piss you off.”

“
I'm not pissed off. Well, maybe a little, but only because I was caught off-guard.” I waved my hands in the air. “Regardless, other than that, I'm not pissed. Shocked and confused...yes. But not mad. Not at you anyway.”

“
Okay. That's a start. Since the day I climbed over you in new student orientation I've wanted you, Carissa. All the flirting—that wasn't just for fun. You can't really tell me you don't feel anything.”

“
Logan, the last two days haven't exactly been filled with sunshine and roses. You saw me this morning and knew something was wrong. Why are you doing this now?”

“
My timing sucks. I get that. But you need someone, that's obvious.”

“
You're right. I need a friend though. Is it that you want to take care of me, and you think I'll let you do so?”

He sat with his head lowered for a minute.
“No, maybe...yeah. I want to make you happy.”

“
As much as I appreciate that, we don't need to be more than friends for that to happen.”

“
Okay, but seriously, if you want to talk, I'm here and will listen.” Logan left me with a swift kiss on my temple.

I glimpsed at my phone and figured I'd be better off going on
to class than skipping. I stopped short of the room, when I saw Alec had cornered Logan at the end of the hall. I wanted to know what he had to say, so I squatted on the floor against the brick wall, leaned my head back, and closed my eyes to fake a quick cat nap. If Alec or Logan noticed me, they'd think I was waiting for my next class to start rather than eavesdropping—I hoped.

We need to talk,
” Alec said to Logan.

“
We as in you and I? Why?”

“
Because I know you were just talking to Carissa, and I want to know what's going on with her today. She won't talk to me.” I watched through cracked eyelids as Alec ran his fingers through his hair.

“
Sorry, can't help you there. She wouldn't say anything to me either. Other than to lay off when I told her I didn’t want her to date Eric because I like her.”

“
Of course she didn't. She's right you know. You need to back off. She likes Eric, and she won’t be okay with you pushing things further than friendship, if that’s not what she wants. Carissa is one in a million. If I weren’t gay, I’d have made an effort a long time ago. Fortunately for you and Eric, I am. But, Logan, when she decides what she wants, she rarely changes her mind. And when it comes to people telling her what to do or who to see, it doesn’t fly.”

I smiled. Alec knew me better than anyone else.

“I hear you. But you can’t blame me for giving it one more shot. Hell, you just said you’d date her if you weren’t gay. Really, I just want to make her happy. She told me being friends would do that, so I’ll leave it alone. So, I don't know what's going on, but I think I can help fix it.”

“
How?”

“
Tomorrow's her birthday, and she loves Sage.”

Alec nodded in response.

“
Well, there's a tour coming through on Saturday. Sage is the headliner. I get the tickets, she's happy again. Besides, after today, she needs something to cheer her up.”

“
So where do I come into this plan?”

“
Oh, yeah, sorry. I need you to get the tickets, at least for Sage. I've got more of a plan, but that's my secret.”

“
And how do you propose I get the tickets?”

“
That's easy. My dad's got some connections. I'll call him, and then call you and tell you where to pick them up.”

Alec held his hand out to Logan.
“Deal.”

He shook it and headed to class.