Love Among the Thorns (3 page)

           
What was I going to do now? Being a realistic person, I had always rehearsed what I would do if another woman came into our lives. I could deal with that, but how do you deal with another man? I felt a blazing anger, a rage such as I have never known! I wanted to burst into the house and destroy the both of them. Because I was so upset, I hadn’t realized that they had moved their twisted affair to the privacy of
our
bedroom.

           
Where were my children during this outlandish display of affection? How dare they perform sexual acts in our house! I had to get away. I had to think this through.
 

I had always been admired for my level-headiness, but now, all rationale seemed too far from my grasp.
 

           
Burdened, I meandered through the neighborhood pulling my luggage behind me. I just wanted to be alone. For all I knew, they could actually be in
my bed
, doing only God knew what! Before I knew it, I had stumbled upon a bus stop bench. There, I perched my raw and aching heart. How could this have happened? Did I somehow cause Jeff to turn to Clint? Clint was always there for him and where was I? Why didn’t I see the signs? Then it dawned on me, the signs were always there, vivid, undeniable, and painfully obvious. My mind rambled on and on. I recalled flashes of the times I caught Jeff in my robe, or my skirt, but accepted it all in humor. It was just a joke, but the joke, ultimately, was on me.

           
Fears swelled inside, and burned with the potency of acid. Spiraling in and out of sanity, I finally realized I was no place safe. I had to get someplace safe to study this freakish occurrence. With eyes swollen shut, and an empty ache in my spirit, I used my cell to call a taxi. Once again my legs were too weak to support my small frame and they gave-way beneath me. I had to surrender to the marble bench for support.
 

           
When the taxi arrived I pretended to be a big brave girl. I stepped off the curb drying my tears, while the little girl inside of me, cried out for sympathy. I could not let anyone see me like this. Still sniffling, I instructed the driver to take me to a cheap motel. I knew, beyond a doubt, what I had to do. My decision would impact the lives of my children—
our
children. Jeff loved his children with a blanket of dedication given to guardian angels. His mother had given him up for adoption at birth. Anyone could have been his father. He swore with his life, that his children would never experience the suffering of being without a natural father.
 

           
Cheap motels didn’t agree with me. With the way I felt, a subway bench would have served me nicely. I placed my luggage on the floor, and crawled into the stale and lonely bed. I watched my silent phone, wanting desperately to call home. Oh God, how I wanted to call home.
 
All I had to do was pick up the phone, and immediately, Jeff would materialize. But, was I ready to talk with Jeff? Could I? Was I woman enough to discuss this calmly and without going into a fit of rage?
 

           
Minutes lapsed into hours and finally, I reached out; with trembling fingers, I opened my phone. Pondering what to say, I held it heedlessly. Nervously, I proceeded to place the call. Before I had time to think, a connection was made, and Jeff answered the phone.

           
“Hello,” he sighed, groggily.

I wondered if Clint was lying next to him.
 

           
“Hello,” I managed. “Jeff?”
 

           
Jeff’s voice became a lively moan. “Oh hi, Babe. Almost finished with your seminar? Are you having fun yet?” I could sense Jeff was stretching, his playful nature still intact. But, this time his voice nauseated me. The sensual thrill I usually reaped from our pillow talks had dissolved. Confrontation with Jeff rolled off my tongue as naturally as if I were confronting my best friend.

 
“I saw you and Clint tonight. You were in the kitchen. The window was open. I know, Jeff.” I held the phone to my ear, but there was no response. I knew that Jeff was still on the line. He had never been at a loss for words, but this time, silence held his throat captive. I heard light sighs followed by rapid breathing. While he gathered his thoughts, I patiently waited for his feeble response. After all, I’d had six hours to contemplate this life-changing dilemma.
  

           
Jeff had been exposed; it was out in the open! I knew this reality seared him, burning away at his manhood with each tormenting second. I heard a whimper and I knew he had begun to cry. But, Jeff didn’t own enough tears to satisfy me. Finally he spoke, his voice cracked and barely recognizable, “Celeste. I’m sorry, baby,” he whined. “I know I should have told you sooner.”

           
I took pleasure in interrupting his pity-party. “You meant telling me about Clint?”
 

           
Jeff could scarcely speak. “No, babe, about me. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember.”
 

           
“And you married
me
just to make my life difficult?”
 

           
He exhaled calmly. “Please listen, Celeste. It wasn’t like that. It might seem that way now. Look,” he paused anxiously, “When other boys became aware of girls, I became aware of boys. I tried to live a life that was acceptable to everyone. The norm—the norm, Celeste. I tried. God knows I did. And, I almost pulled it off. I’m just sorry you were the one my heart selected to hurt. You’re a good woman, Celeste. I didn’t mean to hurt you, sweetheart. I love you.”

           
This confession wasn’t good enough. “You love me? But it was you and Clint tonight, huh Jeff! How long have you two been—been—”
  

           
In a hushed tone Jeff admitted, “Clint is my lover, Celeste. We have been lovers for three years now.”

           
“Three years!” I shrieked, “But Melissa is four-years-old now. That means that—”
 

           
“Yes, Celeste your calculations are correct,” he reported. “And before you ask, he wasn’t the first. I’ve always had a lover, even before we were married.”

           
I wanted to shatter his skull into a million pieces. “How could you do this to me, Jeff? How could you put my life in jeopardy?”

 
          
“I tried, Celeste,” his voice softened. “I tried being straight for years, but I was never fulfilled. Not to say that you were not a wonderful lover; quite the opposite. You were quite creative. But, you just weren’t quite the MAN I needed you to be.”

           
My cheeks reddened with the embarrassment of his divulgence. I felt as if someone was slowly choking the life out of me. My blood ran hot and cold thinking of the enormous choice he had made for me. His choice impacted my health, my flourishing career, and my children. I allowed Jeff to vomit his soul, and empty its corrosive contents into my mistrusting ears.
  

           
“I knew I would get caught sooner or later. It was just a matter of time.” He paused. “Now that it’s out, I’m glad. I’ve been—so damn tired of hiding, Celeste. It was hell, pure agony! Now it’s out.” He became incredibly calm, as if this was the therapy he needed to make things right. “Whatever choice you make about our relationship, I will accept it,” he boldly proclaimed. “I am in no space to score points with you. But, I do want you to do one thing for me.”

           
I held the phone away from my ear and frowned. “What could I possibly owe you, Jeff?”

           
“I must see my children, Celeste. If I can’t, I don’t want to go on living. They’re a part of me and I can’t let go. I’ll die, Celeste—I’ll just die!”

           
“Jeff you’re already dead. I feel nothing short of pity for you. You should have thought about your sexual preferences before you made a child with me, Jeff. You knew your circumstances! I’m having difficulty even talking to you. You disgust me, and you know it, don’t you, Jeff.”

           
Jeff sighed again, “I know.”

           
“I’ll be home in a few hours. When I get there, I want you packing to leave! I feel as though I don’t know you anymore. What are you? You’re certainly
not
the man I thought I married. Why—why, would you play this charade for so long, Jeff?”

           
“I tried to be a good husband. I love you, Celeste.”

           
“And Clint?”

           
“I love him too.”

           
“Why— you— BASTARD!”

           
“You don’t understand, Celeste. It isn’t the same. There’s a different feeling I have for Clint. Please try to understand, baby,” he sniveled.

           
 
“What do you want me to understand? Why don’t you just tell me how I’m supposed to feel when the man that I’ve loved, and the father of my children, suddenly turns gay? Tell me how a man can love a person, but put their life in harms way. Explain this to me, Jeff. My degree didn’t prepare me to understanding this enigma, Jeff. This entire mess is beyond my sober comprehension!”

           
“Please Celeste. Don’t judge me so crudely and not in that light anyway.”

           
Hatred arose in me, and I released the fury building in my gut. “Am I supposed to be happy that you finally came out of the closet, and that you were brave enough to bring your trashy preferences to
our
home,
my
bed, before
our
children? Hell, let’s throw a damn party and invite some friends. We can make your announcement at our anniversary party next week!”

           
“Celeste, please don’t—”

           
“What do you think I am? Am I expected to act as if I’m blind, and that none of this ever happened, Jeff? No—no! I won’t pretend I didn’t see Clint go to his knees before you. And let me tell you something bizarre, Jeff!
 
I—still— love you. How could I be so asinine?”
 

           
Jeff was speechless, his voice quivering. “Come home, honey. We can work this out,” he whispered.

           
“What am I supposed to do Jeff, wait until you finish with Clint? Or, should we become a threesome? No buddy-boy! You, get out!”
 

           
“Do you really want me to go—just disappear from your lives?”

           
“I didn’t stutter, Jeff. Pack! When I come home, you’d better be making yourself scarce!” I hung up the phone and threw it across the room.
  

           
How can you love someone and hate them at the same time. The hostile conversation with Jeff stirred up a caldron of emotions. With all the men in this
great
universe, I had to acquire, by marriage, a man who was neither male, nor female. So, with these thoughts to feast on, I curled up in bed, and tossed my jacket over my feet. Even though I felt heartless and vengeful, I still wanted to nestle in someone’s warm chest and fall asleep. But now, who would that someone be? I reached into the closet, got a thin blanket, and fell asleep on top of the filthy bedspread. My rest was interrupted by breathless whimpers, as I cried, even during sleep.

           
The next morning, I sat up in bed feeling sluggish and bewildered. Because I cried during the night, my sinuses were completely clogged, I couldn’t breathe, nor could I think straight. I didn’t want to stay at the motel and I didn’t want to go home. At any rate, I’d slept in my clothes and felt miserable. Fresh clothes and a hot shower were surely a necessity. Finally, I got off the bed, and searched my luggage for that extra outfit I’d packed for the seminar. It would be too dressy, but I had no other choice. Although I was going home soon, I felt anxious and confused.