Lost To Me (12 page)

LAUREN

Mom banged on my bedroom door. “Lauren?”
Knock, knock, knock
. “Are you awake?”

“No!” My eyes felt like someone had stuffed sandpaper under my eyelids. My nose was stuffed and my lips were dried out and cracked. I’d cried so much last night that I didn’t remember falling asleep, or even getting in bed.

“Can I come in? Lauren?”

“Hang on a sec.” I flung the covers back and realized I was still in my clothes from last night. I was surprised I’d taken my sandals off.

I slumped to my dresser and picked up a brush. My bloodshot eyes stared back at me in the mirror as I yanked knots out of my hair.

“Lauren? What’s taking so long? Can I come in yet?”

“Fine.” I threw my brush down on my dresser. It bounced and clattered against the mirror. “Just come in.”

The last thing I wanted was my mom asking me a billion questions about what was wrong, so I threw myself back down and buried my face in my pillow.

“What in the world are you doing in here?” she asked.

“It’s called sleeping. You should try it sometime.”

“Who can sleep? I’m so worried about your sister, I haven’t slept more than a few hours since we got here.” I peeked from my pillow. She stared out my French doors with her arms wrapped around herself. “Mom? Is something going on with you and Dad?”

She pulled her eyes from the window and looked at me. “We have some things to work out, that’s all. Amy’s…” she waved a hand searching for the right word, “situation has us both stressed and…”  She gave me a weak smile. “Anyway, I came in to ask if you wanted to go to the aquarium? It’s Oriann’s first time.”

“Sounds fun, Mom, but I think I better take more pictures. I still don’t have one to enter in the contest,” I said, when really, I had problems of my own to work out.

She pressed her lips together and nodded then headed toward my door. “Mom?” She stopped and glanced back. “I’m here you know. If you need to talk.”

A smile flashed on her face briefly. “I know, Lauren.”

Even though I’d been to Kolton’s house twice, I passed his road and had to turn Amy’s car around. She and Mom and Dad took the baby to the aquarium, so she let me borrow her car.

I slowed as I approached the house. Kolton’s car wasn’t there. Kyle was playing basketball on the slab of concrete outside the garage.

I hesitated for only a moment before pulling in the driveway. Kyle looked up as gravel crunched under my tires. He cupped the ball under one arm and watched as I came to a stop and turned off the car.

I closed the door and took a couple steps toward him. “Hi.”

“Kolton’s not home. I thought he was with you. I’m waiting for him, too.” He dribbled and took a shot.

I played with my keys and watched him for a minute. He ignored me. “Um, could you please tell him I came by?”

“Why? Are you leaving?” He stopped playing and held the ball again. “Hang out for a while. I’m sure he’ll be here soon. Have you tried his phone?” When he smiled, he looked remarkably like Kolton.

“No. I need to talk to him in person.”

“Ah,” he nodded, “I see. Got into a fight last night?” He pretended to toss me the ball, said, “Heads up,” then really did.

I caught it, laid my keys on the hood of my car and started dribbling. “I don’t know if it was a fight. I’m a little confused about what happened.”

He stole the ball and took a shot. I rebounded and took the ball down the court.

“You’re not bad,” he said. “So, what happened?”

I wondered if Kolton would care if I told him. “I just got upset about something.”

I took a shot. The ball bounced off of the backboard and through the net.

“Nice.” He slapped me a high five. “His ex-girlfriend was at the party,” he said. “Tabby.” He took a jump shot for three and made it.

“Good one. Yes, Tabby. She wasn’t pleased to see me.”

“She told me.”

I stopped and held the ball. “When did she tell you?”

He wiped his brow with his forearm. “She called here a few minutes ago.”

“She still calls him? How long have they been broken up?”

“Not long.” He looked at me and his face turned to apathy. “Want something to drink?”

“No thanks.” I tossed him the ball. “I’m going to go.”

“I’ll let him know you stopped by.”

“Thanks.”

I grabbed the keys off my hood and opened my car door as Kolton turned into the driveway. I watched as he pulled up beside me and got out of his car.

“Lauren, what are you doing here?” His eyes avoided mine.

“I want to know what’s going on. Did you break up with me?”

He sighed and hung his head as he walked around his car to where I stood. “Did you want me to?”

“What are you talking about? And look at me!”

He lifted his eyes to mine. Sorrow and anguish looked out of them. “You’re better off without me.”

“Is that true? Or, are you just getting back together with Tabby? She called by the way.”

His head darted to Kyle, who did his best to pretend we weren’t there.

“What did she say?” Kolton asked.

“Why don’t you call her and find out?” I turned to my car and got in slamming the door so hard I thought the window might shatter.

He opened the door and took my arm. “Lauren, let’s talk.”

“I think I know what you’re going to say. It’s fine.” The rage kept the crushing tide of reality from killing me. I took the ladybug necklace off and shoved it at him. He wouldn’t take it.

“Talk to me Lauren.” He took both of my hands. “Come inside.” Desperation filled his face. “Please?”

“Fine.” I got out, slammed the door again and crossed my arms. “Talk.”

“Inside.” He pried my hand free and laced his fingers with mine. “Come on.”

Kolton sat on his bed and pulled me down beside him. “I want you to really think about us.” He stared at my hand, held tight between both of his. “After you leave, you’ll be back with your friends, and I won’t matter to you anymore.”

I pulled my hand away. “You’re saying this because that’s how it’ll be for you, not me. You saw all of those people last night, and I just don’t fit in, do I?”

His mouth hung open, shocked. “Lauren, everything I do turns to shit. You can see that, right? This has nothing to do with anyone but you and me. You should be with someone better than me. Someone who won’t disappoint you.”

I stared into his eyes and shook my head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Up until last night, we were perfect. I have no clue what changed that other than seeing Tabby. So, just be clear about it. Do you want to be with her?”

He laughed and put his face in his hands. “God, no. I feel nothing for her anymore. I didn’t want to hurt her though. That’s why we’ve broken up so many times.”

“But, you keep getting back together with her?”

“Yeah. For the wrong reason.”

Sex. Right. Exactly what he’d rejected from me last night in his car when I was ready to hand it over in a desperate attempt to keep him.

He turned to me and cautiously took me into his arms. “Maybe I’m just being stupid. I’m afraid you’re going to forget all about me in a few weeks.”

“Is that what this is about?” I held his face and made him look at me.

He closed his eyes, the corners of his lips turned down. “You deserve better, and you’ll realize it soon. Then I’ll be left without you.”

“Open your eyes.” He did.

“Stop,” I whispered. I ran my fingers through his hair and over his face. “Stop. You are the only person I want. That’s not going to change.” I kissed him once, then once again. “I don’t care if you have family things to take care of, or if you have ex-girlfriend issues. I just want it to be your lips that kiss me.”

My body was crushed in his embrace. His lips were everywhere all at once. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “God, Lauren, I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t want to break up with me?” My breathless voice bordered on a sob.

“I never want to be without you.” He took the ladybug necklace out of my hand and clasped it back around my neck. Then he kissed it and kissed around it, on my chest.

My head fell back as his fingers gently tugged the neckline of my shirt, revealing more skin for his lips to kiss. “Tell me when you want me to stop.”

He laid me back on his bed and leaned on his elbow beside me. His warm hand slid under my shirt and rubbed my stomach as his lips parted mine. Slowly, his hand ran up over my ribs and stopped on top of my bra. A second later, his fingers slid inside it.

My mind reeled in dizzy pleasure. A thin thread of panic wove through the bliss when I was able to focus for a moment on what I was actually doing.

He moved his hand down. It ran up my thigh and under my skirt, stopping between my legs. The thread wove thicker and deeper.

I grabbed his wrist.

“Stop?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Okay.” He smiled. “Can I still lay here and kiss you?”

I threw my arms around his neck and pulled his face to mine. We laughed with our mouths pressed together. The hum of laughter tickled my lips.

I couldn’t stop smiling as I drove home as fast as I could to change. I couldn’t stop thinking about Kolton kissing and touching me. I cursed the panic that had made me stop him—
again.
My heart and body wanted the same thing. They just hadn’t talked my brain into it yet.

Tonight would be my last night at the beach. Tomorrow we’d leave and I’d start scheming to find ways to come back. In an hour I was meeting Kolton at the beach, and then we’d have pizza at the dive pizza place again.

Mom walked inside from the patio in her blue-and-white-skirted Mom
Bathing Suit as I came through the front door. “How’d it go? Did you get the photo you’re entering yet?”

“No. Not yet. Why are you home already?”

“Oriann was fussy, so we came home. Why are you back if you haven’t got the picture you’re entering yet?”

“I wasn’t feeling creative today.” I hung Amy’s keys on the hook by the door.

“Lauren…”

“Mom…”

“You better do it soon.”

“I will.” I rolled my eyes.

“What’s the plan for the rest of today?” she asked.

“The beach.”

“More photos?” The look on her face told me there was only one correct answer.

“Yeah. More photos.”

“And tonight?”

I shrugged.

Mom put her hands on my shoulders. “It’s our last night here. Whatever you and Kolton do, just be smart.” She gave me a pointed look then turned and walked back outside. Sometimes it was like she was psychic or something.

While slipping into my bathing suit, I thought about how I’d left for spring break boyfriend-less, the only dream I had for the week was to take the perfect picture. I’d be returning with Kolton as my boyfriend and a camera filled with memories worth more than any stupid competition.

I hurried down to the beach where Amy sat under our old, rainbow-striped umbrella giving Oriann a bottle. “I need a favor.”

“Last night here.” She waggled her eyebrows. “Need some time for a private goodbye?”