Lost! The Hundred-Mile-An-Hour Dog (2 page)

And I’d probably get a reward too, like a lifetime’s supply of pies and I could take it back for my three puppies, because they are the best puppies IN THE WHOLE WORLD and I love them to bits and pieces of bits. Then my pups would know what a brave and clever mum they have and guess who that is? ME!

That was why I got in the back of the van. There I was, busily checking it out to make sure there wasn’t a pie thief hiding somewhere, and what did I find? A big sausage roll, on the floor. In fact, not just one, but three sausage rolls, lying ON THE FLOOR! How stupid can a sausage roll get? That’s asking for trouble, isn’t it?

I said, ‘Hello, hello. What are you lot doing out of your box?’ And I was about to pick one up and put it with the others when I thought:
Hmmm, this might be a pretend sausage roll.

I know you can get pretend pies because I ate one once. It was a mistake. I didn’t mean to eat it. At least, that’s not exactly true — I DID mean to eat it but that was because I thought it was a real pie, but it turned out to be made of painted plastic. It tasted horrible and I had to spit it out. SPLUUURRRRGH! Like that.

All these splinters of plastic came shooting out of my mouth and made a mess and lots of people shouted at me and I got chased (again), but I
didn’t care because I can run like a crazy thing, like a rocket, like an un-guided missile. In fact, I am probably the fastest dog in the whole world. (Though I’m not very good at stopping.) Besides, they shouldn’t make plastic pies. What is the point of that?!

Anyway, I thought:
This roll could be like that nasty pie and there’s only one way I know to check if the sausage roll is real and that is to taste it.

I picked up one of the rolls with my teeth. It certainly felt like a sausage roll. That was the first good sign. And it certainly smelt like a sausage roll. That was the second good sign, so I licked it all over just to make sure, and it certainly tasted like a sausage roll, and that was the best sign of all.

I looked at the roll and the roll looked at me and I was thinking:
Aha! Suppose it only tastes like a sausage roll on the outside, but the inside is made of something horrible, like mustard, or custard?
Well, there’s only one way to check for that, so I bit into it, and guess what? It wasn’t made of custard or mustard. It was made of sausage. Right the way through.

The roll was a bit chewed up by this time so I thought I might as well swallow it. Then I checked the other two sausage rolls that were lying on the floor to make sure they weren’t pretending, and guess what? They weren’t. So that meant the only thing to do was to stay there and guard the rest of the pies and rolls and make sure that nobody came along and tried to eat them.

That was when I had my CLEVER IDEA. Now then, Trevor Two-Legs gets pocket money and he puts it in a piggy bank to keep it safe from
robbers. So my clever idea was this. I thought:
I can put all those pies in a special bank for pies, and then nobody can steal them.
I haven’t got a piggy bank, but I do have a doggy bank. In fact, I AM a doggy bank!

Wasn’t that a brilliant idea?! So I started eating as many pies and rolls as I could so they would be safe. Then I saw a two-legs coming towards the back of the van. He was a SAUSAGE ROLL ROBBER! I know he was a robber because he was wearing dark glasses. This was going to be my big moment. I’d definitely get a medal and a lifetime’s supply of pies for this!

I crouched down behind a crate and got ready to growl and bark and leap up and throw myself at his ankles and go RAARGH! RAARGH!

The thing was though, the man didn’t steal any pies or sausage rolls. All he did was shut the door. BANG! And I was still inside. I felt him climb into the front of the van and the engine started up and we were off. VROOOM!

He wasn’t supposed to do that! He wasn’t supposed to steal the whole van! He was only supposed to steal the pies! I shall never understand two-legs. What was the point in taking the whole van when all he had to do was reach inside and take the pies from the back?

We rattled off down the road and I was wondering what to do. I soon realized that my first duty as a guard dog was to protect the rest of the rolls and pies and get them safe inside my doggy bank. So I ate them, which meant getting them out of their boxes and everything. I’m so clever!

Then I barked and barked,
woof-woof-WOOF
! But the driver man didn’t hear me. I threw myself at the back wall of the cab. I leaped at it and scritch-scratched it and bit it and barked, but it was no use. HE WAS DEAF!

Two-legs have got terrible hearing. Not like me. I can hear ants snoring when it’s ant bedtime. But two-legs always have such silly, small ears — have you noticed? It’s no wonder they can’t hear properly. Mine are big and flappy like proper ears should be. And my pups have got ears like flags!

I tried to sit down, but the van was on wriggly roads. I got thrown all over the place and soon I felt a bit sick. I’m sure it wasn’t the pies, it was the van, and before long I really was sick. I was a bit miffed at first because I thought my plan wouldn’t work now, because half the rolls and pies were back on the van floor, even if they were a bit mushy. But then I remembered how picky two-legs are when it comes to food. They probably wouldn’t want them now. Not when
they were all gloopy and steaming.

We travelled for ages. It felt like about a year at least and it had gone dark too. The van slowed down and squeaked to a stop. I went and hid behind a crate so I could leap out at the robber and go RAARGH! RAARGH!

The back door opened. I peeped out. The two-legs was bald and he’d taken off his dark glasses. I thought:
That’s odd. He doesn’t look so robber-ish now.
As he opened the door he staggered back, holding his nose and staring at the brown piles on the van floor. I thought:
Aha, this is my moment of glory! I shall get a medal and meet the Queen!

So in my head I ate a super-special-power donut and became the wonderfully brave and fearless Dazzy Donut Dog. I hurled myself out from behind the crate and I started to go RAARGH! RAARGH! but my tummy was still feeling upset from the ride and I threw up instead, all down his trousers. He screamed like a lady with a big spider and, well, I know that kind
of scream. It means trouble, so I ran for it as fast as I could, which was a lot faster than him with only two naff legs and I disappeared into the night. Ha ha! I am so clever sometimes.

And then I discovered where I was. Or to put it another way, I discovered where I wasn’t. It was the middle of nowhere. I was hopelessly LOST.

What a dark and moonless night! It was a bit creepy, I can tell you. The wind howled and an owl hooted. They are such old ladies, owls. All they ever do is go
Whoo-hoooo!
like they’re scared of the dark. Why don’t they get up during the day when the sun’s shining? I’m not scared of the dark at all because Dazzy Donut Dog is not scared of ANYTHING.

It was eerily quiet, apart from that daft owl. I wandered along a wide, empty street with big buildings. They were even bigger than the building I ran into last week by mistake. I’d never seen so many books. I got chased out by three screaming women and one of them tried to hit me with a magazine and I hadn’t even done
anything! Anyhow she missed, because I am the superest dog at zigzagging and can run like a TORNADO!

The buildings were lit by orange lights and surrounded by tall wire fences. The fences had big signs with pictures on. Sometimes it was a skull, and sometimes it was a two-legs being struck by lightning and it was making him jump-jump-jump, like he was going
Ooh! Ow! Stop it!
I knew what those signs meant — they meant DANGER! KEEP OUT!

I sat down so I could have a thinking kind of scratch. I scratched behind my right ear and under my chin. I scratched my chest and the top of my head and behind my left ear. Then I scratched in front of my left ear, and the funny thing was, I still didn’t know where I was.

I thought:
There must be a sensible way to do this.
What I need to do is start with what I already know. It will be like putting the pieces of a puzzle together.