Lost in Love
Authors: Susane Colasanti
SADIE
MONDAYS ARE HARSH. YOU DON'T
want to go to school. You don't want to go to work. And what's with getting up so freaking early? Mondays bust in after Sunday nights, those murky nights that are always infused with dread. Mondays are a nagging reminder that your real life isn't as exhilarating as the movie version of your life. Not even close. Especially when compared to the adventures you're pretty sure everyone else is having.
But I'm one of those annoying people who actually like Mondays. Mondays have always symbolized starting over to me. What better chance for a fresh start than the beginning of a shiny new week?
Except for this Monday. Today is the worst Monday in the history of calendars. I can't believe Saturday was only two days ago. A boy slept over in my roomâin my
bedâfor the first time. Austin was spending the whole weekend at my place. It felt like one of those really good dreams you never want to end. We were having a blissful New York City weekend where we could do whatever we wanted. The city belonged to us and we belonged to each other.
Until Saturday night. When I found out Austin is married.
Tears seep onto the bright stripes of my pillowcase. I brought my pillow out to the couch yesterday morning. I've been sacked out here binge-watching movies and shows ever since. My brain can't handle anything else. I cannot function like a normal person. Even lying on my bed is too painful. I already called out sick from my internship today. Even if there wasn't a chance of running into Austin in our building, there's no way I'm showing up at the office with my eyes all red and puffy from the kind of relentless crying that might never end. I just want to lie on this couch forever.
How pathetic am I? All miserable and heartbroken over some boy. Only . . . Austin wasn't some boy. With him, I felt the way I'd always wanted to feel. We were perfect for each other. Or so it seemed. Now I'm a binge-watching hot mess on the couch. All I need is a pint of Ben & Jerry's to complete this cliché. Or chocolates to throw at the screen whenever the leading man finally kisses the girl.
Darcy and Rosanna are sneaking looks at me from the
open kitchen. They're pretending to eat breakfast, but they're really watching and whispering about me. The same way my parents did before I moved out. I didn't want to deal with what happened to my sister then and I don't want to deal with Austin now. All I want to do is block out the world. My roommates can whisper all they want. I'm not going anywhere. I didn't even get up to go to bed last night. I just slept right here on the couch, much to Darcy's dismay. Darcy and the couch have developed an intimate relationship. She's not home that much between her summer session classes during the day and staying out all night, but when she is here, she enjoys her lounging time. Sorry, Darcy. The couch is taken indefinitely.
The thought of going back to my internship twists my stomach into knots. At least no one there knew our secret. Imagine if I had to explain why we broke up on top of worrying that I'm going to run into Austin any second. If he didn't work on a different floor, I would seriously have to consider quitting.
“Hey, Sadie,” Rosanna says. Her face is covered with concern. Somehow her camp counselor tee and gray cotton shorts are making her look more tentative than usual. She's careful not to stand in front of the TV as she takes in the full view of my sorry state. She's also careful not to stand too close to me. The last time I took a shower was two days ago. “We have to leave. Can I get you anything?”
“I'm good,” I say, my voice cracking.
“You sure?”
The energy it takes to nod exhausts me. Every part of me is weighed down with cinder blocks.
“Okay, well . . . call Darcy if you need anything. Or you can call camp if you need to get in touch with me.”
Darcy breezes into the living room on a cloud of her signature Vera Wang Princess fragrance. She has her hair pinned up in a high bun and is rocking a mod red knee-length dress with black polka dots and a wide black belt. The dress looks extra glam with her new black wedges and matching red tote. I'd tell her how cute she looks if I hadn't just used up all of my energy nodding to Rosanna.
“You called out sick?” Darcy asks me.
“Yeah.” It wasn't even a lie. My eyelids are so heavy I can hardly keep my eyes open. As soon as Darcy and Rosanna leave, I'll be drifting toward sleep again. Heartbreak is a serious illness.
“I say we track Austin down and hurt him,” she proclaims. “Didn't you tell me he likes
Breaking Bad
? How about we get the hookup on some of that ricin?”
“Let me think on it.” Darcy might be only half joking about the powdered poison that dissolves in someone's drink and leaves no trace.
“You get a little more time to mope. Then we are physically removing you from this couch and reuniting you with the outdoors. Right, Rosanna?”
“Right.” Rosanna is trying to be supportive, but I can
tell she's nervous that I might actually take Darcy up on that ricin.
“Comfort food tonight,” Darcy says. “We're ordering in. My treat.”
“Sure you don't need anything?” Rosanna asks me again.
Two weeks ago, I didn't even know these girls. The University of New York's housing department placed us together in this apartment for the summer. I could have ended up with anyone. Instead I was placed with two incredible roommates who couldn't be more different, but are equally concerned about me. Almost as if karma started restoring balance before the Austin travesty even happened.
“Don't worry about me,” I tell them. “I'll be okay.”
After they leave, I sink back into my pillow, plunging into memories I would rather forget. The smaller things bother me the most. I held Austin's hand, the same hand where his wedding ring should have been, walking along Hudson River Park as I let the excitement of our epic love story wash over me. Then he said the view of the Manhattan skyline was better from Hoboken than Jersey City. Now it's clear he wanted to keep me away from Jersey City, where he lives, to avoid running into people he knew.
Like his wife.
I remember this couple I saw at Coffee Shop. They were
obviously so in love. The way she gazed into his eyes. The way he stroked her arm so tenderly. You could tell they were soul mates just by looking at them. They were meant to be together. It felt like I had the same connection with Austin.
But I was wrong. I never knew who Austin really was.
And now I never will.