Lost Dreams (16 page)

M
y life had changed a lot. I was now an army widow and a little less than a month after Carter's death, my life had found its way again.

Remy was away at training, and so was Patrick. Megan and I were spending time together again. Since Patrick's return, our daily routine had changed, Megan was spending more time with her family which was completely natural. Of course, I was missing her but there was no way I was going to stand between her and her family, she needed that time with Patrick. For the past two weeks, I had been attending therapy sessions. After the first week, I could already feel the difference, I was feeling lighter and happier in myself. I was still grieving, but my mind and heart were both stronger.

Megan was driving us to a new restaurant in town, Juliet wanted to try their banana pancakes. It was only the second time I'd been out of the house since Christmas. I needed it more than I even knew. The weather was perfect, it wasn’t too warm, it was just beautiful. The sky was covered with little white and puffy clouds. I love those days the most, it reminded me of home. Megan was singing to the music on the radio, Hinder was her favorite band. I had to admit the singer had a good voice. Once we were parked at the restaurant, she waited for the song to end before turning the engine off. She enjoyed every little thing about life, she was truly inspiring. She laughed at the sound of my empty stomach rumbling, before urging us to get out of the car.

I craved a bowl of strawberries and cantaloupe with a glass of fresh orange juice. It wasn’t on the menu but I asked the waitress and she said they could do it. They weren’t opposed to special orders from customers. A simple gesture like that made me feel special and it started the day well.

''I was thinking about going to the beach this afternoon, are you girls up to it?'' I asked.

The beach was about two hours away from Fort Bragg. The spot I enjoyed most in North Carolina was the Ocean Isle Beach. The pier was the place where I had the greatest memories of being with Carter and Remy. They were both avid surfers and the pier offered the perfect view to watch them surf. We used to fish, too, and I always seemed to be lucky enough to catch the biggest fish.

''Yes! Please, Mom, say yes... I want to go!'' Juliet was definitely up for the trip.

I could tell Megan had made other plans, but I knew Juliet would get her way. I felt bad though, thinking I should have asked Megan in private. ''Right after breakfast, we could pick up our things and leave. It's a two hours’ drive, we could be there by noon and leave again at 4pm to be home when Patrick returns, what do you say?''

''It's a lot of driving.''

I nodded, she was right. ''I just want to try my new camera, you could be my models.'' I smiled.

''Alright, we're in.'' Megan agreed.

We ate our breakfast without wasting any time. We drove back to our houses and we were ready to leave ten minutes later. Snacks were prepared, my camera was sitting in its case and water bottles were waiting on the counter. The weather was too cool to sunbathe or go for a swim, January was one of the coldest month of the year. It was, however, a perfect day to walk on the pier and the beach, and enjoy a mid-afternoon lunch at The Grill. Even if we were only going to spend four hours there, it was worth it.

We hit the road, playing word games and singing songs until Juliet fell asleep. I remembered when I was her age, or maybe a few years older, I would always fall asleep in the car. I'd lived on the west coast for the majority of my youth. We did plenty of road trips in California and Oregon. I loved those times, because it meant both of my parents were home. My dad's many deployments were really hard on me when I was growing up. I was Daddy's little girl and I missed him a lot. I had a calendar in my bedroom, where I would count the days until his return each time he went away.

After lapsing into silence for a little while, I realized Megan was also napping. Her busy life as a mom must be hard at times. She had Juliet to keep entertained and also needed to spend time with Patrick. I was alone for the most part. Remy and I were spending a lot of time together and our friendship was stronger than ever. We were taking care of each other and making sure we both had good days, but it was nothing compared to raising a child. Megan was doing a great job, she was a devoted and wonderful mother.

When we arrived at the beach, I stood facing the ocean and breathed in the salty air. The gulls were singing and hunting for food. The ocean was just as I remembered, absolutely beautiful. I had missed this place. I looked at the surroundings and noticed we were almost alone, probably due to the wintry weather. Juliet kept asking if she could go and paddle in the water. At this time of the year, the water was probably around 50 degrees Fahrenheit, not exactly warm. I watched Megan and her daughter walking towards the shore and grabbed my camera. I had read a few things on the internet about photography and I'd learned a good photograph did not necessarily rely on the subjects looking at the photographer. I took a few shots and they looked great. The natural light made the photos perfect. I decided to leave Megan and Juliet to their walk, and try my hand at landscape photography. I took few from the pier and looking over the waves. Everything about this place was meant to be captured in photography. When I found the girls again, they were walking along the shore, hunting for shells. I snapped some more photographs and I was pleased with the results. Juliet shone and Megan's love for her daughter was captured in the photographs. Maybe this was something I could consider for my future, being a photographer was fun. I liked to use my creativity.

I joined them in the search for shells. Most of the ones we found were very small and delicate. Juliet kept all the prettiest ones in her tiny hands. I had only collected a couple of them when I found a starfish. I didn’t know much about starfish, but this one didn’t look alive, the texture was hard and dry. ''Look at what I found.''

Juliet came running over to me. ''It's a star, can I touch it?''

''Of course.'' Her small fingers touched the dead fish as if it might bite her. ''Don’t be scared, it won't bite, it doesn’t even look like it's alive.''

''Do fishes go to Heaven, Mommy?'' Juliet asked her mother.

Megan looked at me with sad eyes. Patrick and Megan had explained to their daughter what death meant, after Carter's passing. She still had many questions about the matter. ''I'm sure they have their heaven too, Juliet,'' Megan explained.

''She was a pretty star,'' she said sadly.

''I'll take the star home and keep it with me.'' I kept the starfish in my hand. ''She is so small and pretty.'' Anything related to a star reminded me of Carter, I was his shining little star, that's what he always used to call me. I thought maybe he'd sent this one my way. I liked to believe he was still around, watching over me.

''I’m getting hungry, are you girls ready to grab something to eat?'' Megan asked, instinctively knowing I was thinking about him. I knew she didn’t want me to mope around for the rest of the afternoon.

''Sure!'' I tried to smile. ''There's The Grill over there, they serve pizza and hamburgers, would that be okay?''

''I want pizza!'' Juliet exclaimed.

Food sounded good at the time, I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to eat, but nothing too fancy. The Grill was a few minutes’ walk away. I took few extra photos on the way there. It really was a quiet day, the restaurant was only half full. It wasn't a bad thing, much different to the high season when we used to come here.

~~~*~~~

T
he food was delicious, but I'd eaten way too much. The pepperoni pizza I had eaten entirely by myself was making my stomach bloat. We'd had a good time, though. The waiter was a young man, probably under twenty and he had fallen for Juliet. He even gave her an ice cream dessert for free. He reminded me of Zac Efron, he was quite handsome. For the remainder of the day, we tried doing some fishing. Megan was the only one who caught anything and it was a King Mackerel. Quite an impressive fish, and thankfully we had help from some fishermen because he was fighting for his freedom. When the King was finally out of the water, we weighed him and Megan was proud to learn her fish weighed sixteen pounds. I wanted to take a photograph of Megan and the fish, and she accepted only if the fisherman helping us would hold him. She was proud of herself, but definitely scared of that fish. We ended the day building a small sand castle with Juliet. What I loved most about that little girl was her enthusiasm. She was so excited about the castle and she regretted not bringing her dolls so they could see the sandcastle. I helped them for a little while, but I mostly watched and breathed in as much of their happiness as I could. They shared so much love, it was inspirational, a beautiful mother-daughter relationship. I enjoyed spending time with them, they were so charming. With Juliet in daycare, Megan liked to have activities planned during the weekend and I assumed this trip represented a good one. It made me proud.

The ride home was packed with new memories. I wanted to bring them back to the beach during summer, when we could go for a swim and get a little tanned. Maybe Patrick and Remy could come along too. The more, the merrier, as far as I was concerned. I couldn’t wait to load my photos into the computer - from what I could see on the camera, they all looked great.

Regardless of anything else, I was anxious to get back home. Remy was probably going to be there or would be about to arrive. He had been staying at my place for quite some time and I liked it. He had his room, and I had mine. The nights when I had bad dreams or felt too much stress, I joined him in bed but he probably never noticed until he woke up. I wasn’t looking for cuddling, I just needed the security and he gave me that sensation. During the past week, we'd watched a lot of movies in the evenings and there was one night where I'd lent my head on his shoulder and he placed his arm around me. It seemed strange, I had to admit, but part of me really liked it. Spending time with him was more and more appealing, I enjoyed being around him, a lot. He was spending a lot of time in training during the days and he always looked tired. He was learning a new defense technique and he seemed convinced it could help in the future. Remy had the ability to learn easily and he could always find a way to ameliorate different techniques in his own way. I had learned a lot when we worked together. Behind his goofiness, there was an incredibly smart man.

When we finally got back on base, Patrick was sitting on the front steps of their house, reading a magazine. I helped Megan get her things out of the car and Patrick picked up his sleeping daughter from the car seat. Seconds later, I was parking the car at my own place. I could see lights on inside and knew Remy was home. I cleaned all of our trash from the car and went inside. It smelled heavenly inside, Remy had cooked dinner, which was really sweet of him. I saw wine on the table and French bread in a basket. I was curious to see the rest of what he'd made.

Coming out of the bathroom, Remy stood a few feet away, wearing dark blue boxers and a white wife-beater.

''Damn, my surprise is kind of ruined now. You go and sit down, I'll put some pants on.''

I blushed at the sight of him. When he went into his room, I couldn't help but stare and blushed some more. What was I doing? I thought about Carter and I smiled briefly to myself. Another awkward moment. I sat down at the table and waited for Remy. I wasn’t particularly hungry yet, but the smell was so luscious and appetizing. I wanted to peek in the oven to see what he'd made, but I didn’t want to ruin his surprise more than I already had. He returned, all smiles, and it made me wonder what he had planned.

''Bonjour mademoiselle. Au menu ce soir, homard, crevettes et pétoncles...''

I laughed. ''Wait, what are you saying exactly?''

He tried to look serious, but I knew he was close to bursting into laughter. ''This is French, Mademoiselle.'' He rolled his eyes and continued. ''Dans une sauce au vin, sur des pâtes fraiches.'' I didn’t want to hurt his ego but I had to laugh, I had no idea what he had said.

''What exactly am I going to eat, Sir?''

He sighed. ''Patience!'' He poured some wine and took the plate waiting in front of me. He walked over to the oven and when he opened the door, the smell was enhanced.  My stomach was officially ready to eat. I took a sip of wine and waited patiently for the plate. ''Parmesan?'' he asked.

''Sure!'' It didn’t smell like Italian food, more like fish or something. He placed the plate back in front of me. ''Lobster, shrimps and scallops?''

''Bien sur, Mademoiselle. Homard, crevettes et pétoncles.'' This time he was the first one to burst into laughter. Every Special Forces member had to learn a second language, Remy had learned French and obviously decided to have fun with it tonight.

''Thank you, soldier, it looks delicious.'' I waited for him to get his plate and we started eating. It was beyond delicious. So many exquisite flavors. ''This is.... so.... good.'' If he could cook like this every day, I would be in heaven, but at the same time I would probably gain twenty pounds within the first month. His cooking made mine look boring and tasteless. I promised myself I would try to work on that.

''Alors, tu aimes?'' he said, but I had no clue what it meant.

''What did you just say, French soldier?'' He smiled, a big proud grin and I narrowed my eyes at him. ''You like that I have no clue what you’re telling me... I know you do.... you smart ass.''

''Stop, girl, stop... I was just teasing you. Making sure you liked the food.'' He peeked at me through his eyelashes.

''I love it. You should cook every night, or at the very least, I think I'm going to have to take cooking classes to live up to your standards.''

He laughed and I did, too. ''I'll cook when I can, but I'm probably leaving again soon.''

I lost my appetite right at that moment. He meant deployment and I didn’t like the sound of it at all. It scared me, he was all I had left. Yes, I had new friends, but he was family to me and I didn't want to let him go. This was bad news, terrible news. I remained silent and kept my eyes on the plate, waiting for him to tell me exactly when and where he would be going.