Lost (7 page)

  When we eventually arrived at my place it was awkward though.  I didn't want the day to end, but I didn't want to jump in bed with him either.  I wasn't ready for him to leave me yet, but I didn’t know how to ask him to stay.  I was happy and excited to know more about Peter.  So when he nervously asked if he could call me, I said yes. 

  Turning toward him I was going to give him my phone number but he said he already had it.  But when I questioned how, he said simply, Caller ID.
  “Then why didn't you call me all week?” I asked confused.
  “You didn't give me your number on purpose, and you didn't say I could call,” he replied easily.
  “Okay, well, you can call me,” I whispered finding myself standing closer to him than absolutely necessary.
  Practically standing against him, Peter surprised me when he said quietly, “I’m going to kiss you tomorrow, Sophie, after we've had a chance to come down a little from this high.  I really want to remember our first kiss, so I want to wait, okay?”
  “Okay...” I whispered again.
  Standing at my door I was becoming a total Barbie tart with Peter and I knew it.  I wasn't sure how to change it as it happened though, but I
was
aware of my breathy, moany behavior and I really wanted to be embarrassed by my behavior.  I wanted to pull myself together and act like the Sophie I knew, but I just couldn't.  I was smitten and enthralled by the feeling of being with him.
  Unbelievably, when Peter turned to leave me with a smile I wanted to beg him to come into my apartment anyway.  I wanted to cook him dinner and share my favorite chocolate with him.  I wanted to kiss him, and talk to him, and make him fall in love with me.
  Jolting in the hallway, I remember stunning myself back to reality with that quick thought.  Hiding my surprise at myself I smiled at Peter while opening my door as he walked away telling me he'd call me later.
  Turning to lock my door behind me, I remember leaning against my closet thinking
wow.
 
  I was stunned by my behavior and thought processes, or lack thereof.  I had spent 4 hours with some stranger and I was thinking about wanting him to fall in love with me.  I was actually thinking like an idiot, destined for heartbreak.
 

  Moving from the little doorway, I sat down on my couch and tried to think clearly.  I knew I didn't
make
men fall in love with me.  I never made anyone fall in love with me, nor did I give it a thought as it happened.   If it happened and they weren't my forever I tried to stay and work at the relationship until it wasn’t working and then I moved on.  I knew I didn’t force anything, but I felt like I kind of wanted to with Peter.

CHAPTER 7

  I spoke to Peter later Sunday evening when he eventually called me.  I waited for him to call, even though I was dying to call him.  I waited because
he
said he would call, and I didn't want to look desperate if I called him first.
  Settled in on my couch, Peter and I spoke for an hour and a half, learning more and more about each other.  Actually, I learned more about him, only answering a few questions when they were posed to me because I was still nervous about giving away too much information about myself.
  I wanted my privacy.  Well, truthfully, I wanted to seem a little mysterious because I found myself wanting to play this relationship right.  I wanted to be everything Peter wanted from a woman though we hadn't actually had
that
conversation yet.
  Peter and I spoke on the phone until he absolutely had to leave for work he said with regret.  I learned that his job was nightshift work, so he worked at night during the week, and slept in the days.  But when I asked if he would be tired because he had spent the day with me instead of sleeping, he said no.  Actually, what he said was, ‘I'm so happy that I spent the day with you, I'll be riding this high all night.  So don't worry about me,’ and I smiled at his charming confession.
 

  We eventually hung up at 9:00, and I was sad to end our amazing conversation.  There was something about Peter that drew me to him.  There was something so wonderful and calm about Peter that I felt excitement for the start of a potential relationship between us.
  I was anxiously excited to speak to him again the next day while I finished my laundry, tidied my apartment and laid out my clothes for work. 

  I was excited when I showered and dressed for bed.  And I was excited about Peter as I lay in my bed with a smile I couldn’t seem to get rid of, no matter how many times I called myself a loser.
                                                          

                                                   *****

  The following morning at 8:00am there was a knock on my door before I left for work.  Unbelievably there was a knock, and I was both shocked and happy when it was Peter standing in the hallway.
  Opening my door, I took him in with a huge smile.  Waiting, Peter didn't speak and I couldn't move.  We experienced one of those weird moments of complete solitude in our thoughts, together.
  “I wanted to see you before you went to work.  And I brought you a coffee,” he grinned.
  “Thank you.”

  “And it’s tomorrow,” he whispered as he leaned in close to me. 

  Suddenly kissing me, I remember thinking thank god I had already brushed my teeth and was already dressed for work, until I stopped thinking entirely.  I didn't care that he was messing up my lipstick and I didn't care that I had to leave for work in 20 minutes.  I just wanted Peter's kiss in that moment.
  Kissing, I was swept up in him and his beautiful kiss.  Peter had that slow, sexy kiss thing going for him.  The kind that starts its own rhythm and ends with a moan for more.  He held my head with one hand and my back with the other.  He practically bent me while he opened me up for him until I was taken.
  Peter kissed me for what felt like a lifetime.  He kissed me and I was shocked to realize I wanted a forever with him in that moment.
  When he finally pulled away, his thumb wiped the moisture from my lips and he actually sucked it off his thumb.  Watching him, I felt something deep inside me, almost like a craving so intense, I wanted to push him against the wall and kiss him harder.  I wanted more, but I didn’t take it.  I let Peter lead our first kiss because it was his to lead.
  “I should let you get to work,” he smiled again so sweetly I actually felt it in my heart.
  “Thank you for the coffee,” I said without acknowledging the awesome kiss between us.
  “I'll call you later, Sophie.  Around 7:00.  Will you be home?”
  “Yes...” I moaned, thinking I'd make sure I was home at 7:00 just for his call.
  “Have a good day, Soph,” he smiled again as he turned to walk away. 
  Watching him leave I looked at him realizing I desperately didn't want him to go.  I actually felt such a strange pull toward him I wanted him to stay with me.  I wanted to stay home with him all day.  I wanted Peter in that moment more than I wanted my forever career.  I wanted him so badly, I felt nearly insane for him as he slowly exited my building.

   Running back into my place after he left I honestly felt like I must look different.  I felt so different inside I couldn't believe as I stared in my bathroom mirror there weren't physical changes to my appearance.  I was surprised that I still looked like Sophie Morley, just with slightly smeared lipstick around her mouth, and a huge stupid smile.
  Leaving for work 10 minutes later, I ran for my car, nearly slid on the ice, laughed at myself, and hopped in for the 20 minute drive to work.  I drove to work with a stupid smile, and with a giddiness I didn’t know I even possessed as I danced in my seat and sang along with the radio, badly.
                             

  When I arrived at work, I was still thinking about Peter and his kiss and I had to concentrate very hard on learning my new job from Carole all day.  I was distracted way too often and it bothered me, even though I couldn’t seem to help the distraction I was suffering.
  I wasn't the kind of woman who let a man distract her, and I wasn't the kind of woman who acted love struck and stupid.  I never acted weak or simple, and I never acted giddy in a relationship- not that we were in one at that point, but probably.  And that reality of a relationship, after only one day of knowing Peter scared the hell out of me. 

  Over lunch I analyzed the shit out of myself and realized I was acting like a psycho.  Peter and I had had one date, one
day
together and I was thinking about our 'relationship'.  I was obsessed with defining us, and I was desperate to have some kind of hold on him which was crazy.  So I made myself chill out. 

  I decided after my half hour lunch I would stop the bullshit obsessing, and I would focus on my job.  I knew relationships always ended but my career had the potential to be forever, but only if I pulled my head out of my ass, which I eventually did.
  The rest of the afternoon blurred into notes, multiple guesses about Carole's next move, and questions here and there.  I stayed focused and alert about my job only, forcing Peter out of my mind all afternoon.
 

  And by 4:30 I was spent again.  Intellectually, I was totally drained which made me question whether this draining was going to always happen, or if it was merely because I was learning everything from scratch.  I watched Carole seem to handle everything well, and I didn't feel inferior to her, just ignorant of the position and demands; therefore I convinced myself that I wouldn't always feel so tired at the end of the day once I was settled into a routine of my own.
  When I returned home, changed into my grubby clothes and made myself pasta for dinner, I suddenly realized I hadn't received any roses all day.  Not that I expected them, and not that the roses could continue indefinitely, but I did feel a little disappointed that the blue roses thing was over.  I had enjoyed the attention a little because it let me know Peter was thinking about me throughout the day like I was thinking about him.
  After dinner, I looked over my notes on the couch and admittedly, looked at the clock way too often.  I was suffering that insane the clock has stopped moving phenomena all people experience when they're desperate for something to happen at a specific time.  The hour between 6 and 7 absolutely crawled by as I anxiously waited to talk to Peter again.  But he didn't call.
 7:30 came and went, and so did 8:00.  By 9:00, I was actually angry, and by 10:00 I felt sad.  I knew I was feeling mental over Peter, and I didn't like it, so I went to sleep shortly after 10 instead of waiting any longer. 

  Picturing Peter's kiss in bed, and reliving the amazing feelings I felt inside me during the kiss were completely eclipsed by the sadness pulling at me because he hadn’t called.  I felt stupid and embarrassed that I had put so much potential into a man I had just met.  But my feelings were what they were, and I couldn't help the stupid disappointment I felt.
  All I knew as I settled in for sleep was I wasn't going to give Peter anymore power over me emotionally.  I would cut him off before I became more invested in any potential of Peter in my life.
 

                                         *****

  When I woke at 6:30 I started my day as I always had before Peter.  I showered and shaved, washed and dried my hair, dressed in a black wool knee length dress with a navy jacket over top.  I even wore black tights and knee high boots to give me height and confidence to carry me through my day.
  I was down to 4 days of training left, and I needed to get my shit together so I didn't fail my job or myself once Carole left me to fend for myself.
  At 8:15 however, there was a knock on my door, and I was pissed. 

  Feeling annoyed and totally over him, I walked to the door, opened it without any drama and said, “Hello,” in my I'm not putting up with any shit from you tone.
  “Wow.  You look lovely, Sophie.  Sorry I'm late, but I brought you coffee,” Peter smiled, which annoyed me even more.
  “Thank you.  I appreciate it, but I really don't have time to talk. I have to leave for work soon,” I spoke calmly taking the offered coffee from his hand while attempting to close the door.
  With a bit of a frown, Peter asked, “What’s wrong?”
  “Nothing at all,” I replied slightly clipped because I wasn't doing this with him.  “I have to go Peter.”
  “I'm sorry I didn't call you last night.  Did you get my message?” 
  “What message?” I asked stunned.
  “I left you a message on your machine at 2:45.  Did you get it?”
  “No.  Just a minute please,” I said closing the door in his face.  A
message
I thought while mouthing
shit
in the hallway.  Stalking to my dining room, to the poorly placed practically hidden answering machine, I lifted the goddamn book off the machine and there was the blinking light! 
Shit,
I breathed again.  I didn't look, or think to look, or even think the night before about a friggin message.  I was just too obsessed with waiting for his call to think about anything else.
  Hitting play, a message from Steven came in about my parents’ house for dinner on Sunday as usual, but I skipped over it until the next message came through.
  ‘Hi Sophie, I'm going into work early today by 3:30 for a friend who needs the evening off.  I'll be working straight from 3:30 until 7:30 in the morning but I wanted to let you know so you didn't think I wasn't calling you, or that I was blowing you off.  You should also know I thought of you all day.  Oh, and kissing you was like a little piece of heaven for me- almost as good as your dark chocolate with sea salt.  Well, for me anyway.  I'll hopefully see you soon.’
  Exhaling, as the warm and fuzzies settled in my stomach I had a moment of total humiliation.  I didn't know how to fix my behavior without looking like the insecure idiot I already did to him.  I was embarrassed and out of time.  It was 8:25 and I had to leave for work.
  So grabbing my purse, keys, and coat, I walked to my door with all the confidence of a moron and opened my door calmly.  But Peter was grinning at me like he knew what an idiot I was.
  “Did you finally get my message?”
  “I did.  I'm sorry, I didn't see I had messages.  I'm not usually so...” but I couldn't think of the right word.  Saying I'm not usually such a chick was derogatory to women everywhere, but that's what I felt like.  I felt like I had totally chicked out with the drama and insecurity.
  “Did you think about me yesterday?” Peter suddenly asked.
  “Yes...”
  “Did you think about me this morning?”
  “Yes...”
  “Okay.  So we're all good.  I told you I would call and I did.  I'm sorry if you thought I wouldn't.  And I'd like to spend Friday and Saturday with you if you're not busy?”
  “I'm not busy I don't think,” I whispered lying.  I was calling Denise later to cancel my Saturday night shift.  Period.  “I'm sorry for acting like an ass.”
  “It's okay.  We're new, so emotions are always heightened, I know that.  Can we talk about it tonight at 7:00?  I
promise
to call,” he grinned.
  “Okay.  But I really have to go.  I can't be late my second week.  I hope you understand?”
  “I do.  Have a great day,” he said stepping away from the door as I turned to lock it.