Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas (26 page)

‘No, it’s just that most women want to share a brownie or end up having a bite and saying they’re full. Or they barf it out the next morning.’

‘Ewww,’ I said, with my mouth full of whipped cream. I handed him the spoon.

And he took a bite as well.

‘Are we sharing?’ he asked.

‘No. I’m being gracious in offering you a bite since you were too
kanjoos
to order one for yourself!’ I guffawed, and hit him lightly on the arm. Jesus! I was flirting. This was also a new thing in my life.

We laughed as we shared the brownie and we shared some more stories about the show and the girls in it. I told him the insider tale. I left out the part about the hot air balloon. It was fun to share nonsensical information about events in your life without having them analysed or judged.

‘You read Mills and Boon?’ he laughed again, feeling a little bit drunk after our fourth Irish coffee an hour and a half later.

‘Oh, yes. I was a big closet fan. Amidst getting a graduate degree and being a topper, I would secretly read about men whisking the woman away into a faraway land!’ I replied, a little tipsy myself. ‘All the perfect romantic love seemed like a lot of work though. And very unrealistic!’

‘Is “topper” a euphemism for the nefarious activities convent girls indulge in?’ he winked, taking the conversation to another level.

‘Shut up!’ I laughed, feeling comfortable around him.

Suddenly I had another idea!

In my slightly drunken state, I leaned over to Aniruddh and whispered, ‘Meet me in the bathroom in two minutes.’

He looked stunned. Elated. And then nodded in agreement.

I was unsure at first. And then I thought, ‘Why not?’ I didn’t care anymore to take it to another level! I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone.

I went into the bathroom and unlocked the door. Stood by the side of the wall. Two minutes later he entered. We stared at each other. Lust driven by danger. Promptly, he pounced on me, kissing me passionately. Wanting. Desiring. He unfastened the top two buttons of my shirt while I kissed him madly. He went down and sucked my nipples, cupping my breasts over my clothes. I scratched his back and he hoisted me up around his waist. Deep breathing. I liked dangerous sex. Oh God, how I loved it. I let my hands run across his tight ass. My thighs rested on his strong muscular legs. He lifted my skirt and stroked me tenderly at first, then built up the momentum. I felt my wetness building up. I moaned and he covered my mouth with his hands.

Our warm skin, throbbing with hot blood. Faint smell of Old Spice. And sweat. He gasped as I ripped his shirt. Strong ripped body and hard, tight abs. He smiled. Not bothered. Fervent kissing. Necking. Sucking. Bodies burning with a hurried craze. Clothes half off. I stroked him softly. A gentle hesitancy creeping in. He nibbled on my ear and urged me on. I ran my fingers across his body, his hair, his hardness.

He sat down on the edge of the seat. I moved myself on top of him. Deliberate. Intoxicating. He held me tight against him. He was big, bigger than the others. Powerful. It felt like the first time. But better. Erotic. Assertive. Exceptional. He grunted as I entered him. Slowly at first and then faster. Harder. He cried out. He moved me. Short strokes. And then slow, longer ones. Silently. I felt invigorated. Sinuous. Warm juices mingling with each other. Raptures of delight. I began to feel a huge wave bubbling, bursting inside me. I sighed deeply. Breathless. Someone could hear us. He exhaled. And let go.

We finished and smiled. I quickly got off. Straightened my hair. Adjusted clothes. He left before me.

We had a smoke. Amused. Contented. ‘That was refreshing!’ he said, ‘I’ve never done it in a public place before.’

I winked. Picked up my purse. Gave him a long kiss goodnight. And we both left. In separate directions.

Aniruddh was my first ‘quickie’. And it felt good to see him go. I knew that we would be friends if we wanted to be, and more if we needed to be. But apart from that it felt good to be part of something that didn’t need an explanation. I hadn’t shared my life, my hopes and dreams or even the fact that I would be leaving for the US in a few weeks. I didn’t need to. I didn’t love him and he didn’t love me. But we made love that I would remember forever.

Aaron had given me enough money for me to sit and do nothing for a whole month before I left for the States. That gave me just enough time after Aditi’s wedding to decide if I wanted to start a new project or go back to being a translator. A part of me wanted to make some more money before I left, while another part wanted to enjoy my last few days in Mumbai.

My experience with reality TV had actually given me a boost in the entertainment industry. People had started calling me to do more shows but they were all in the same reality TV format or another one adapted from a Western formula. I wasn’t interested. I had gone for a few casting auditions for ad films and had done a small campaign that gave me a little money. But I realized that wasn’t really me. I wasn’t interested in pursuing the limelight. I wanted to go for something far more interesting. I wanted to develop me.

Suddenly, one night while I was sitting and reading up on The Met, I remembered the dialogue I had with Arjun that night in Goa when he told me he was married. It was about tattoos. He had said it takes conviction more than courage to get one and that it wasn’t about the pain. It was about if you believed in a permanent art symbol that described who you were. And till now, I didn’t know who I was. I was a confused thirty-year-old virgin who went from believing in love to giving it up.

But now, I knew that I believed in
myself
. So I got up from the bed, wore my jeans and decided to walk down to the parlour and get myself a tattoo. It was as easy as that. I could hardly believe what I was doing. It was ten at night and my mind was telling me to wait till morning or figure out what I needed. But my heart, and I’ve always listened to my heart, said I needed to take a step that was bold and that defined me. And it had to be now, otherwise I would chicken out later.

I walked into ‘Ink Station’ which was always crowded, populated by teenagers. It was open till the late hours, probably expecting a half crazed woman to want something wild in the middle of the night. But tonight it was quiet. There was a woman and the owner who were sitting in a corner talking away and I suddenly felt as if I was intruding upon their private life. I quickly turned around, ready to leave, when the woman called out, ‘Hey!’

I turned around and smiled, ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t want to intrude.’ The woman got up and so did the man. The man moved towards the booth and the woman came up to me, ‘Don’t be funny. We run a business here!’ she smiled. I smiled back. ‘So how can I help you?’

‘I wanted to get a tattoo, if it’s not too much trouble.’ She showed me a few designs from a book she had and then got me a cup of cappuccino and some cookies. We discussed what I should get. She started chatting with me about the man she was talking to and then got me to open up a little about my life. I told her I got the idea from an old boyfriend who had wanted a tattoo of Gaudi’s sun a long time back.

And then I revealed myself to a total stranger. I told her who I was. Something no one ever knew and something I had kept hidden for a long time. I told her I was a woman who believed in Love. Not with one man. But with the concept that it existed, and that it was strong and powerful. I was a woman who believed in travelling the world and experiencing Love in its myriad ways. What I wanted from my life was a fusion of art, languages, men and the independence that defined Love. She got exactly what I was saying and gave me a tattoo on my wrist, a place where I could see it everyday and remember that I had come a long way. It was a painful experience that left me overjoyed and completely satisfied. Somewhat like my ‘first time’ with Arjun. Very symbolic and beautiful. I missed him and yet that night, I could happily let him go. I had changed. I had evolved. I knew that the tattoo symbolized
me
.

And that’s how I landed myself with a tattoo that I thought I would never get. A piece of art that was truly me.

I was craving a hot cup of coffee again, like I had a year and a half ago. My God. I had really changed since that day.

I had been in New York for six months and had settled down in my new life really well. My job was keeping me busy and even though the pay was just enough to get me through, my research kept me alive. I had made friends and found new places to hang out in.

And then the connection that I had wanted for so long came. He emailed me to say he was in New York and he wanted to meet me. I had sat on my bed, in my studio apartment that overlooked a row of shops below. I had read the mail thrice. It said ‘Hi. I’m in New York. I heard you are here too. Can we meet? I’ve missed you.’ It was basic. I replied, and now was sitting at this coffee place instead of inviting him over to my place since I knew we weren’t ‘there’.

He was walking through the door of Bean, my favourite coffee joint in New York, right now. He looked just as bit handsome as when I had met him not so long ago, in that shack, with the sun against him and a bronzed body that made me know he would always be my ‘Great Love’. I got up to kiss him on the cheek.

‘Hi, Kaveri,’ he said gently, as he kissed me and sat down. Arjun had matured. He had become a father and his gentle way showed. He seemed very different to me. Even though I had known this man better than anyone else, right now, I felt he was a complete stranger.

‘Hi, Arjun. What can I order for you?’ I asked, as I got up to go to the counter, suddenly all nervous and hesitant, as if I was a thirty-year-old virgin again!

‘Nothing. Just sit. We’ll order in a bit … How have you been?’ he was being very tender. At that moment I felt my heart flood with emotions. There were so many memories that I choked. I had rehearsed for many months what I was going to say when we met, I had rewritten my speech about how he had let me down time and and how I had wasted so much of my time with him that my energy was sapped and I had to rebuild myself and that task at that time seemed impossible. I could really go on. But that speech was nowhere in my mind as he looked deep into my eyes as if he knew it all and was most apologetic. For several moments, there were no words between us. We both knew what our past was, and it was as if we were revisiting it looking at each other. As he held my hand over the table, I felt the same tingle return.

As I looked at him closely, I could see how he had greyed a little. His salt and pepper hair at the temples and a few wrinkles near his eyes made him more endearing. He had put on a few pounds around his waist, but he was still a Greek God to me.

‘Let me show you something,’ he said as he pulled up his sleeve and showed me his tattoo. Of a sun. Gaudi’s Sun, which we had discussed on our date in Goa. ‘I got it because it reminded me of you. I wanted something to remind me of you everyday, Kaveri.’ Then he leaned forward and took my hand. ‘I’m so sorry, Kaveri …’

I interrupted him because I didn’t want our conversation to get emotional so fast, so I said, ‘Arjun! Let’s order coffee.’ I motioned with my hand and my favourite waitress came to my table, even though it was a self-service. We ordered and she came back with steaming hot cappuccinos and muffins that Arjun had ordered. It was cold outside. Winter was harsh in this city. I could see outside the window that people were wearing their long black coats and designer boots while trying to brace themselves from the windchill factor. After living in this city for six months, I realized that most people in New York understood how to mesh fashion with comfort. They could run in six-inch heels while trying to catch a train with three shopping bags and a thin Chanel scarf to keep warm! Their basic colour was black and their basic dress size was 2. I soon learnt how to make myself a New Yorker so that I would fit right in. I had begun wearing heels, summer dresses and short skirts that were all a size 2. And now I was wearing a gorgeous white coat that I had newly purchased from Macy’s. I stood up to take off my coat and Arjun noticed how thin I had become.

‘You’ve lost weight!’ he exclaimed, admiring my figure as I sat down in my dependable jaw-dropping black Herve Lager dress.

I smiled and said, ‘Yes. Well actually, I’ve been craving home food and all this American junk doesn’t suit my body.’

That wasn’t the truth. Once I arrived in New York I had only eaten healthy and I had wanted to explore every bit of the city I could. So I walked everywhere. I would walk into streets that were lined with beautiful trees, lanes that lead to different neighbourhoods, stores that had never-ending floors, museums that were miles long and railway tracks that were artistically woven. I walked and walked till I got tired and would then sit in coffee shops that never closed. I would go back to my small studio apartment, that had the bare minimum furniture, just to take a hot shower and crash till I went walking again. And in between, I did my research and worked and learnt about art, people and cultures. My dream had actually come true. And in the midst of all this, was the man I had wanted back so long ago.

‘I made a mistake, Kaveri. I made a terrible mistake,’ he said after a long pause. I kept quiet. ‘It wasn’t working. It really never had been. I was too torn to do the right thing. I mean, I didn’t want to hurt anyone and, in the process, I hurt everyone.’

I listened patiently. And he continued.

‘Kaveri, I’m all done with the past now. And I’m sorry that it took me so long. But it took this long for me to end everything. And I didn’t want to come to you with half my life. I wanted to come to you to give my whole life. And I’m willing to do whatever you want.’ He stopped to look at me in anticipation.

‘What do you really want from me?’ I asked gently, not knowing how I would react to my Great Love if he proposed.

‘I really want you to come back with me.’ He saw the question in my raised eyebrow and tried to explain. ‘Kaveri, I made a terrible mistake by letting you go.’ He paused and bit his lip. ‘I made a mistake by marrying Maria. And a mistake in sleeping with her that night in Paris. But I don’t regret having a child because I absolutely adore Anisha.’ His face went soft when he spoke about his child. And I knew he wanted to bring her up since he took out his wallet to show me a picture of his child.