Lorraine Heath (15 page)

“You want some whiskey?”

Shaking his head slightly, he cupped her cheek with his roughened hand, moving his thumb gently across her cheek. “Your eyes are like whiskey.” His eyes drifted closed. “I’m sorry.”

She resisted the urge to press a kiss against his palm as she sat on the edge of the bed. She took his hand and brought it to her lap, wrapping her hands around it. “I’m not exactly sure what you’re apologizing for.”

“All the times I made you cry.”

“You’ve never made me cry.”

He gave her a halfhearted smile. “Liar.”

“Well, maybe once.”

“Twice.”

“Four times,” she admitted.

Above his closed eyes, his brows drew together. “Four? Sorry.”

“Uncle Jesse?”

He forced his eyes open.

“Uncle Jesse, I’m sorry.”

Struggling, he lifted his hand from Maddie’s lap and took hold of Aaron’s hand, tugging weakly, but it was all Aaron needed to throw himself across Jesse’s chest and wrap his arms around his neck. Jesse swallowed the grunt of pain that erupted with the boy’s actions.

“I shouldn’t have run off. I’m sorry.”

The childish sobs tore at Jesse’s heart. He worked his hand to Aaron’s back, his fingers moving lightly, offering reassurance. “I ran off, too, first time I shot a man.”

Aaron lifted his head, swiping the tears from his cheeks. “Did you really?”

He nodded slightly. Maddie touched Aaron’s back. “You’d better get on to bed. Let your uncle get some more rest.”

“I love you, Uncle Jesse,” he whispered before releasing his hold and running silently from the room.

Jesse captured Maddie’s gaze. “Don’t let me die,” he ordered before he fell back into painless oblivion.

Maddie brushed the hair back from his brow, knowing his request had little to do with his own desire to live but more to do with trying to spare Aaron’s conscience.

For long moments, she watched him sleep. Then she picked up the lamp and left the room. Quietly, she walked into Aaron’s room.

Looking down on the sleeping child, she felt her heart swell. It had taken a near tragedy, but Aaron had finally called her Ma. She hadn’t expected the one word to touch her so deeply. She lifted the sheet over his back. There was a movement along Aaron’s side and a wet, black nose poked out from beneath the sheet. Maddie smiled as she realized why Charles had headed down the stairs before talking to Aaron.

Holding the lamp, she slipped from the room, walked down the hall, and stepped into Jesse’s room. She’d never been in this room, although she’d often wondered what it was like.

It carried his masculine scent, a scent far different from the one that wafted around the Princess room. Yet, she thought, the scents, though different, somehow complemented each other. The solid oak furniture would last his lifetime and beyond. He’d drawn the quilt neatly over the bedding. He’d left no clothing on the floor. The room reflected the life of a man for whom orderliness was a requirement. The only thing out of place was a journal resting on the bed.

Setting the lamp on the bedside table, she eased onto the bed and lifted the worn book into her hands. She turned back the cover and read the date and words that flowed freely on the first page. Her hands trembled with the realization that she was holding six years of Jesse’s life, recorded in his handwriting. She had little doubt that within these pages she would find an honest accounting of his trials and tribulations, his feelings, and his thoughts. With his belief in honesty, he would have recorded nothing less. She knew she should close the book and quit the room, respect his privacy and his past in the same manner she was demanding he respect hers.

Leaning toward the lamp, she turned the page and continued reading.

Her eyes grew gritty, her back ached, and her heart knew a fear worse than any she’d ever known. She closed the book on the final page.

Charles had not exaggerated when he said Jesse was skilled at hunting men. Jesse had meticulously recorded the details of his assignments. She thought, if lawmen attended schools where they learned the tools of their trade, Jesse’s journal could serve as the textbook.

Her thoughts drifted to the day he took her into town, and she glanced in innocence at the wall. The last thing she expected to see was a likeness of her father and Andrew. The three remaining members of her father’s small gang were there as well, but they’d taken greater care in keeping their faces hidden and were nothing more than scant descriptions that could apply to anyone. But Jesse would be able to find them all if he set his mind to it.

Silas and Walsh were the ones she feared. She thought she’d evaded Silas until he’d appeared behind the barn. Ironically, he’d been in Waco scouting out the stagecoach he and Walsh were to rob, when he’d seen Maddie get in the coach. He’d altered his plans and followed her. He thought she knew where her father had buried a strongbox filled with money. She’d told him where to search, but knew he’d only find dirt. She prayed he wouldn’t return. He threatened her dreams more than Jesse did.

Hearing a low moan, she laid the book on the bed as she’d found it, picked up the lamp, and walked swiftly to the Princess room.

Jesse was bathed in sweat, his hands clutching the covers. As she crossed the room and set the lamp on the bedside table, the pale light touched his face to reveal the deep lines along his brow and around his tightened mouth. As though weighted down, his eyes opened slowly.

Maddie laid her hand over his clenched fist. “Are you in much pain?”

“Tired.” Closing his eyes, he wrapped his fingers around her hand. “Damn lucky.”

She ran her free hand along the firm muscles of his arm. “Yes, we were.”

“We?” He opened his eyes. “You’re not mad at me anymore?”

His voice carried the lilt of a hopeful child and effectively melted away any anger lingering within her breast. She pressed her hand to his cheek. “I should be, but no, I’m not.”

He ran his tongue over his dry lips. “Water.”

“I’m sorry. I should have gotten you something to drink before now. Wait here.”

He wanted to tell her there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot he could do but wait, but it wasn’t worth the effort. Grabbing the lamp, she rushed out of the room, leaving him in darkness. A few minutes later, she returned with a tray.

Maddie set the tray down and moved the lamp onto the table. She picked up a glass and carefully lifted his head. “Don’t drink too fast.” She watched his mouth touch the glass and his throat work as he swallowed. She noted every small detail, wishing she could hate him, could use her anger as a shield, but as always, in his presence she felt her fears dwindle until they were little more than shadows lurking in a corner. She didn’t fear the man, only the skills he’d acquired while he’d worked as a Texas Ranger. If he applied his skills, he could take away her dream. Unexpectedly, she realized she’d willingly give up her dream for his life.

He swallowed the last of the water. She set the glass down. “I brought you some soup as well. Do you feel up to letting me give you some?”

He gave a small nod. Maddie placed another pillow beneath Jesse’s head. She eased down onto the bed and reached for the bowl, then lifted the spoon to her lips to test the warmth of the soup. She shifted her gaze to Jesse. He was watching her with a hunger that she feared had little to do with his stomach. “The soup was too hot when I put it in the bowl. I want to make sure it has cooled down enough.”

“Has it?” he asked in a raspy voice.

She nodded and carefully moved the spoon to his mouth. She watched his lips light upon the silver, and he drew the soup from the spoon. She fed him in silence. He had drained half the bowl before he closed his eyes.

She set the bowl on the tray and gently removed the pillow from beneath his head to make him more comfortable. Then she dampened a cloth and gently wiped the last remnants of soup from around his mouth. Inadvertently, her finger brushed against the fullness of his lips, and she remembered how soft they’d felt when pressed against hers, how warm, how supple.

Tenderly, she wiped the glistening dew from his chest. Slowly, she glided the cloth over his ribs. How lucky they were that the bullet hadn’t struck higher; how fortunate indeed. If he’d taken one step to his right, the bullet might have missed him completely; if he’d taken one step to his left, she might not have been able to help him at all.

The blanket was draped low over his hips, leaving bare a strip of flesh below the dressing she’d wrapped around him earlier. While she’d been tending him in the early evening, she’d given little thought to the fact that he was dressed as a newborn babe. His navel peeked out from beneath the bandages. She had a strong urge to press a kiss to the place where his life had begun.

“Will he hurt you?” Jesse asked quietly.

Maddie yanked the blanket up to his chest and jerked her head around. She thought he’d fallen asleep and wondered how long he’d been watching her.

“The man Aaron saw you talking to … will he hurt you?”

The temper within her ignited and died. He wasn’t a Texas Ranger grilling her, but a friend concerned for her welfare. Perhaps it’s what he’d been all along, but her guilt had prompted her to see him otherwise. She couldn’t speak the truth, but neither could she lie. “Don’t you think if he was going to harm me, he would have done so when he was here before?”

“Then what are you afraid of?”

Absently, she wiped the cloth over his chest. “It’s not fear so much …” She squeezed her eyes shut and sighed as though someone had just dropped a heavier load upon her shoulders. “I don’t know,” she admitted raggedly. “Maybe it is fear.” She opened her eyes. “I don’t deserve all this—Charles, the house, the children. I did nothing to earn them. I feel as though at any moment someone will snatch them away. It’s hard to explain, probably impossible for you to understand. Most people work hard to attain their dreams. All I did was stand on a table and pull the bodice of my gown down—”

“Don’t!” he rasped. Jesse didn’t want to see her on that table, didn’t want to know all she’d endured before Charles had made his bid. Why the hell hadn’t Charles bid on her sooner? The pain raging in his side was nothing compared to the one her quietly spoken words had started in his heart. He dropped his hand over hers where it had come to rest on his chest. “No one’s going to take any of this away from you.” He squeezed her hand as much as his dwindling strength would allow. “Give you my word.”

Maddie squeezed her eyes to stay the tears. She was so very tired. The emotional ordeal of the day was taking its toll, and she didn’t know how to react to his promise, knowing there might come a day when he’d have to break it, knowing he would resent her with every fiber of his being when he did. If Silas dared to return—

“What were you like as a little girl?” he asked.

Studying his haggard face, she remembered that she was supposed to comfort him, not have him comfort her. Dipping the cloth into the bowl, she squeezed it with one hand and wiped the sweat from his brow. “I was small, very thin. I spent a lot of time pretending.”

“Cassie would pretend she was a princess. Is that what you did?”

She placed the cloth in the bowl. Tenderly, she combed her fingers through his hair, lifting it off his brow. “You still miss her, don’t you?”

She watched the muscles in his throat work, but no words came forth. He closed his eyes. When he opened them, they were filled with a raw pain, an anguish greater than any she’d seen in his eyes that evening.

“She was so tiny,” he said hoarsely. “What if they didn’t take good care of her?”

It seemed a night designed for sharing fears. The house was quiet, the hour was late. She knew his slight fever and weakened state caused his fears and vulnerability to surface. Otherwise, he kept them imprisoned within his gruff exterior. She wished she could give him a promise as easily as he had given one to her. She pressed her palm against his bristled cheek. “I’m sure they did. They wouldn’t have taken her if they didn’t want her.”

He laid his rough hand against her cheek. “Then why can’t I find her?”

She was surprised by the strength he fostered to press her face against his chest. She felt more than heard his ragged sigh.

“Why can’t I find her?”

Jesse eased his legs off the bed. Steadying himself against the twisted rails on the brass bed, he shoved his weight onto his shaking legs. Holding his tender side, he shuffled across the floor and slowly made his way to his room.

His room. After nearly a week, it was a welcome sight, even though he was breathing hard and his body had broken out in a cold sweat with his efforts. He walked stiffly over to the bed and eased himself down.

His journal lay in the center of the bed. He’d been a fool to share it with Aaron, an even greater fool to let him see the key. Well, he’d certainly paid for his foolishness. He picked it up and caressed the faded cover the way a man might caress a woman with whom he’s spent a lifetime: lovingly, knowing every crease, every wrinkle; understanding and accepting the forces that had brought them about.

Sifting through the pages, he heaved a frustrated sigh. If he knew for certain that what was in Maddie’s past would stay in her past, he’d leave it alone. But while he’d been confined to bed, he’d spent a lot of time wondering about the man behind the barn. She was afraid of him, whether she admitted it or not. If only she’d confide in him, he had the skills and the resources to put her fears to rest.

He heard Maddie’s voice, followed by Aaron’s laughter, filter through his window. Holding his side, he walked out of his room and worked his way down the stairs.

“Come here, Aaron Lawson!” Disgusted that she couldn’t keep the smile from her face, Maddie stomped her foot.

“No, ma’am!”

She advanced on him, and he scampered away. Then he came to an abrupt halt, and his eyes widened. “Uncle Jesse!”

Maddie spun around. Leaving the back door open as though even the thought of closing it was too much, Jesse moved slowly onto the porch. She rushed forward, taking his arm and supporting him as he eased into a chair. He grimaced as he made contact with the hard wood.

“Aaron, close the door,” Maddie ordered. “And you, what are you doing? You shouldn’t be out of bed.”

He squinted at her. “I need to start moving around. Besides, I’ve been in that bed so long, I’m getting sores on my butt.”

Blushing, she looked toward the oak trees in the distance.

“Aaron, what are you not doing that Maddie wants you to do?”

“Ma wants me to sit in that chair out there so she can cut my hair, but I don’t think it needs cutting. Do you?”

Jesse hadn’t heard a word Aaron had uttered past the first one: Ma. When had the boy come to accept Maddie so thoroughly into his life? He felt as though he’d been living in a cave somewhere. Aaron scrutinized him. “What?” he growled.

“You need a haircut worse ‘n me.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised. Maybe I’ll go into town tomorrow and take care of it.”

“Why don’t you let Ma cut it? She cut Pa’s hair before he took the girls to look for blackberries.”

He shifted in his chair. “I think I’ve put Maddie out enough this week.”

“I don’t mind.” She wiped her hands on her apron. “I’ll even wash it for you.”

“Come on, Uncle Jesse. If you let her cut your hair, I’ll let her cut mine.”

“Come sit out in the yard. You could use some sunshine,” she urged.

“I feel like I’m being railroaded,” he said as he sat in the chair in the middle of the yard. Deftly, she draped a towel over his shoulders and tugged the ends into the collar of his shirt.

“Tilt your head back a little,” she ordered as she lifted a dipper filled with water.

He felt the water dribble over his head time and again, until his hair was soaking wet. She worked the soap through his hair and into his scalp. He almost groaned from the pure pleasure of it. Then she used the dipper filled with water to rinse out the soap. He’d almost fallen asleep by the time he felt the comb go through his hair and heard the first snip of the scissors.

“Well, well, what have we here?”

Jesse squinted at his brother holding a pail of blackberries. “At least I don’t walk around with a blue ring around my mouth.”

Quickly, Charles covered his mouth with his hand. He glanced at his giggling daughters, their mouths harboring shades of the evidence as well. “Guess we shouldn’t have eaten so many, huh?”

A horn blast and the crack of a gunshot echoed in the distance and sent the giggles and smiles into hiding.

“Maddie, get the children inside,” Jesse ordered as he shot out of the chair, bent over with pain, and struggled to catch his breath. Charles was already running for the house.

“What is it?” she asked as she took each girl’s hand.

“Stage coming in with trouble in its wake.”

He hobbled toward the porch.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asked.

“To help.”

“Like hell.” She grabbed his arm. “You’re not strong enough yet.”

“We’ve got no choice. Take the children to your room and bolt the door.”

Maddie lifted Taylor onto a hip, tightened her hold on Hannah’s hand, and rushed inside. She stopped by the stairs and watched Charles pull rifles out of the closet. “Do you really think those are necessary?”

Closing the door, he secured the lock and handed a rifle off to Jesse. Then he touched her cheek. “Let’s pray they’re not. Take the children upstairs. Aaron, your ma’s never been through this before, so you help her.”

“Yes, sir.” Aaron tromped up the stairs. “Come on.”

Maddie watched the men leave the house, then followed Aaron up the stairs. They went into her bedroom, closed the door, and bolted it. Aaron pressed his ear to the door.

“Stagecoach is here. Don’t hear no more shooting.” He cast a furtive glance toward Maddie as she sat on the bed, holding both girls close. “That’s a good sign.”

“It is?”

He nodded with a wisdom that belied his youth. “Means the robbers probably held back once they realized the stagecoach was nearing the inn.” He pressed his ear back against the door.

“Robbers bad?” Taylor asked.

“Bad,” Hannah acknowledged. “Uncle Jesse and Pa hate robbers.”

“Shh. We should be quiet,” Maddie said. “Hear some voices, but they ain’t loud,” Aaron said. “That’s a good sign.”

“Why is that?” Maddie asked.

“Cuz if they was shouting, it would be cuz those robbers was attacking. I hate robbers.” He moved away from the door and dropped to the floor. “It ain’t right what they do, taking from people what’s theirs and scaring people. I’m glad Uncle Jesse used to track ‘em. When I grow up, I’m going to track ‘em, too.”

There was a soft tapping on the door. Aaron jumped to his feet and unbolted the door. Charles came into the room, and both girls leapt off Maddie’s lap and ran to him. He knelt, hugged them close, and glanced over their heads at Maddie. “It seems the trouble’s passed, but with darkness coming, the passengers will stay here tonight. Jesse and I’ll keep watch. Why don’t you see to our guests’ comfort?”

Nodding, Maddie walked out of the room. She found it disheartening to realize Jesse wasn’t the only one who saw everything in black and white.

Stepping out onto the veranda, Maddie peered through the darkness. “Jesse?”

“Over by the steps,” came his low voice.

She walked quickly to the other side of the veranda and knelt, only then able to see his shadowed form. “Brought you some coffee.”

She felt his hand wrap around hers momentarily before he extracted the cup from her grasp.

“ ’Preciate it.”

She sat on the top step. Her leg bumped into his. “How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Tired.”

“It’s after midnight. Do you think they’ll come?”

“No.”

“Then why don’t you go to bed?”

“Because when a man owns no soul, you can never be sure. Just because I don’t think they’d be stupid enough to attack doesn’t mean they won’t.”

She pulled her legs against her chest and rested her chin on her upturned knees. “Did you really run away the first time you shot a man, or were you just trying to make Aaron feel better?”

He took a swallow of coffee, gazing out at the shadows that moved with the breeze and the clouds. “I’ll tell you if you’ll answer one question for me.”

Sighing, she looked past him to the night.

“Will you answer my question?” he asked.

She knew it was foolish to place so much power in his hands, and she couldn’t understand why she wanted to, but she did. “Yes.”

She heard him set down the cup and felt his finger come to rest beneath her chin, turning her face until she was gazing into his eyes. “Do you wear your hair down after you’ve taken a bath?”

She was grateful for the darkness covering the deep flush fanning her cheeks. “Yes.”

He moved his hand away. “My brother’s a lucky man.”

She watched him, silhouetted by the night, gazing out, perhaps gazing in, and she waited.

“It was during the war. I was fourteen. A drummer boy. We marched into battle alongside those with muskets. Once the battle began, smoke hung over the battlefield like a heavy morning fog. The rhythm we beat on the drum told the soldiers what they were supposed to do. During one battle, as we moved forward, I stepped over men who had ruffled my hair at dawn. I looked down at the still faces of boys not much older than me who had faced an enemy not much older than them. That day the casualties were too great, so I put down my drum and picked up a rifle from a man who wouldn’t be needing it anymore. I went in search of a man dressed in gray.”

“And you found him.”

He nodded sagely. “Wasn’t hard to do. Shot the first man I was close enough to shoot. He looked so surprised just before he died. I hadn’t expected him to know I’d killed him. I dropped the rifle and ran, but a Reb cavalry officer with a saber stopped me.”

“He gave you the scar on your back?”

“Yep. When I recovered, I was a soldier. No more beating the drum, and I didn’t run the next time I killed a man.”

“Will you share that story with Aaron?”

“Someday.”

“Aaron’s special to you, isn’t he?”

“I love them all, but yeah, Aaron is special. He’s so much like Charles that being with him is like catching up on all those years when Charles and I were separated.”

“How old was Cassie the last time you saw her?”

He shifted his body. “Six. Charles and I were lucky. Good families took us in. I don’t know about the family that took Cassie. I can only hope she’s had a happy life.”

“Have you had a happy life?”

“I’ve done a lot of things for which I’m proud, had moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything, but when you have no one to share the good moments with, they somehow seem empty. That’s why it was important to me to find Charles and Cassie.”

For long moments, she listened to the soft whispering of the wind and thought about his words. He needed more than Cassie and Charles to share his moments. He needed his own children, his own family. She imagined a black-haired, black-eyed boy keeping pace with Jesse’s long strides, learning the difference between right and wrong at his side. And she imagined a little girl with hair as black and eyes as dark sitting on the floor, pouring imaginary tea into a tiny teacup for her father. She wondered about the woman he would choose to share his life, his children. She knew that unlike herself, the woman would be untarnished.

“I should probably take Charles some coffee,” she said at last.

“Yeah, you probably should.”

She stood. “Keep a careful watch.”

“I will.”

She walked around the upper veranda to the back of the house. Her eyes had adjusted to the night, and she saw Charles tucked away in the corner. The rifle looked out of place resting across his lap.

“How are you holding out?” Maddie asked.

Charles took her hand and pulled her down. “Fine. How about you?”

She intertwined her fingers with his. “Feeling like a mother, I guess. I’m worried about the children. Charles, if it comes down to it, I know how to shoot a rifle. Not accurately, but I can make a lot of noise.”

He drew her into the crook of his shoulder and placed his arm around her. “It’s not going to come down to it. Jesse and I have already talked it over. If those outlaws show up, we’re shoving the strongbox out onto the porch. They can have it.”

She pulled back. “You’ll give them the money?”

“All the money in the world isn’t worth the lives of my children.” He touched his fingers to her cheek. “Or my wife.”

She felt a tightening in her chest with the realization that unlike the men she’d known before, neither Charles nor Jesse would put her in harm’s way. “I just took Jesse some coffee. Do you want me to bring you some?”

“No, Jesse might need it to stay awake—he’s used to this kind of thing—but I’m strung as tight as a barbed wire fence. Even if you shoved our bed out here and curled in it with me, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. But you should go on to bed.”

“I’d rather stay here. I’m not certain I know how to sleep alone anymore.” She snuggled against him. “I don’t imagine I’ll be able to sleep, anyway.”

As the sun eased slowly over the horizon, Jesse walked around the veranda and hunkered down before Charles. Maddie was nestled against his side, asleep.

“I’m going to ride shotgun for Carter until he hits Austin.”

“That’s a long haul. You sure you’re up to it?”

Jesse nodded. “Two guns on top ought to discourage any robbers. Why don’t we get breakfast going and get these people out of here?”

Barely breathing, Maddie strained her ears for any sounds, yet all she could hear was her husband’s rhythmic breathing. She had argued vehemently against Jesse going with the stage. The man had no business being out of bed, much less traipsing across the country on top of a jostling stagecoach.

She heard the solitary bong of the clock downstairs. Jesse’d tethered his horse to the back of the stagecoach, but she prayed he wouldn’t ride back tonight. She stiffened when she heard a distant door open. Ranger gave his welcoming yip and settled into silence. She relaxed, knowing that Jesse had come home, fighting the urge to check on him.

“Why don’t you go see if he’s hungry?”

Startled, she lifted her head. “You’re awake?”

“Been waiting for the same thing you have.”

“I probably should see if he’s all right.”