Lore (19 page)

She watches Jüri with Tomas while she plays with Peter in the autumn sun. He follows Tomas around the courtyard, gathering up
the driftwood that Tomas pulls from the lake and lays out to dry. Tomas is quiet and Jüri whispers incessantly, laughs loud and long in the still afternoon air. Lore sees Tomas take Jüri’s hand, and sees Jüri’s palm form a fist, gripped tight around Tomas’s index finger.

Wiebke’s boyfriend sneaks a radio out of his barracks. She brings it over in the evening to show Lore and they listen to jazz together. Wiebke teaches Lore to dance the way they do in the American films her Scottish soldier takes her to see. When Lore cries, Wiebke puts her arms around her and sways her gently to the music. She tells her that Mutti will come home and everything will change. Lore enjoys the soft embrace, the arms shielding her face. Doesn’t tell Wiebke that it’s Tomas she misses.

A letter arrives at Oma’s, addressed to Lore. An envelope with her name in Mutti’s hand. She stands at the window and reads the brief words.

Mutti says that Vati is safe, she will send an address as soon as she has one. She has sent word to him, through the Americans, and he knows they are at home in Hamburg. Lore and the children should send letters too, because he may be away for a long time. The schools will start again soon. They should work hard and think of tomorrow and all it will bring. Mutti asks Lore to kiss Jüri and Liesel for her and to make sure Peter has enough to eat. Lore reads the letter aloud to Oma, looks again at the inky loops which form her name. The letter says nothing about the camp, the bed Mutti sleeps in, the food she eats, and what she sees from the window. And it doesn’t say anything about Jochen.

She reads the letter to the children. They ask to hear it again, and Jüri demands his kisses from her, laughing; Liesel wants to know about Vati. Again and again she asks Oma when they will have an address. They get into bed together and chatter in their rented room. Lore doesn’t speak about Jochen, or Tomas, and neither do Liesel or Jüri.

.  .  .

It is a bright autumn morning and the broken shadows fall across the pavement and touch the street. Oma has taken Liesel to queue for shoes; Wiebke has taken Jüri to fetch coals. Lore has the whole morning free to visit Tomas. She has saved a few spoons of sugar to take to him, feeds Peter in pinches as they go. Licking her fingers clean of the grains he misses, tiny bursts of sweet on her tongue. Peter refuses to be carried. He sways solemnly as he walks, steadying himself against Lore’s legs, skirt gripped tight in one fist. They make their way along the tram tracks in the sun. In the middle of the road, far from the leaning walls of bombed-out buildings.

Lore hears a jangling behind her, a metallic whirr. She turns to see a tram on its way up the rise of the road toward her. It is crowded with people, cheerily waving her off the track. She bends down and takes Peter in her arms, starts trotting at the side of the road, picking up speed as the tram draws alongside. The passengers laugh and wave and Peter waves back. They hold out their arms to Lore and lift her off the road. Her legs dangle in midair and she grips Peter tight, and then she is smiling and breathless among the happy faces on board. Pushed into their backs and chests and arms, rocking with the motion of the tram.

A young man makes room for her at the back, and she sits down with Peter next to two young women. One is blond, the other has dark hair. Their coats are patched and their shoes are cracked and old, but they wear lipstick and sit sideways with their legs neatly crossed. Lore pushes her hair behind her ears, pulls the loose threads from her skirt.

The young women share a newspaper. They murmur and point, shake their heads as they read. The dark-haired woman sees Lore watching, holds the paper so she can see, smiling encouragement. The tram jolts and bumps and Peter stands in her lap, chattering in her ear. Lore’s eyes scan the text, find the same words over and over in the columns of newsprint: prison camps and work camps,
crimes and trials. The woman turns the page and there are pictures. Dark and blotchy on the thin paper, and familiar, too. Skeleton people. Wire fences and gaunt faces and piles of bones and shoes and spectacles.

—Those are the American actors, aren’t they?

Lore points at the photos. The dark-haired woman laughs. The blond-haired woman says it’s not funny.

—No, I know it isn’t. They’re Jews.

Lore flushes. The dark-haired woman is angry.

—Look at them. They’re not acting, they’re dead.

She turns the page. Lore sees familiar black collars with bright lightning flashes. Pictures of men in uniform. Clear-eyed portraits: SS, SA, Gestapo. The dark-haired woman points.

—They killed them. With gas and guns.

—Heide! She’s just a child.

—Well, she can read it for herself, then.

Lore watches their perfect red lips. Her heart lurching, the tram jolting, rolling, coming finally to a stop. The dark-haired woman stands up, holds out the paper for Lore. Her blond friend stands up, too.

—Please don’t show her any more. It’s too much.

—The Americans say they should learn about it in school. And the British want to teach democracy.

—Oh, please, enough political talk.

The blond woman turns to Lore.

—Listen, they were bad men and they are in prison now, where bad men belong. That’s all.

The young women get off. Lore looks around at the other passengers, still crowded together and chattering. No one looks at her and the tram rolls on. She shifts to the end of the bench with the newspaper, sits Peter down next to her by the window. Lore turns the pages quickly past the skeleton people to the portraits. She looks closely at the clothes, the eyes, noses, and jawlines. Some wear Vati’s uniform, none have Vati’s face.

.  .  .

—Have you seen the pictures, Tomas?

—What pictures?

Tomas blinks in the sunlight outside his cellar door.

—The skeleton people. The dead ones.

—Oh.

Lore’s stomach feels twisted out of shape. She stands in the cellar doorway, holding Peter, who strains against her arms, reaching down to her apron pocket and the small knotted handkerchief of sugar. Tomas says nothing, bony hand shielding his eyes from the sun.

—They have started punishing them. The ones who killed them.

Lore’s chest pulls tight around her heart. Tomas nods, rubs at his forehead, the pale skin stretched over the bone.

—You told Liesel they would.

—I know. It’s started now?

—Yes. I saw it in the newspaper.

His eyes are paler than usual. Tomas turns away. He walks down the steps into the cellar gloom, one arm reaching forward as if to steady himself, fingertips brushing the crumbling wall. Mortar dust rattles to the floor.

—Tomas?

Lore follows him cautiously down into the cool dark, blind after the blue sky and midday glare outside.

—The woman on the tram said they were real people.

—Yes.

—They were Jews. That’s what she told me.

Lore’s eyes are adjusting, and she can see Tomas now. He has his back to her, and his shoulders are set square, like a wall, but she has to ask.

—Tomas? You remember you told Jüri about all the fathers who are in prison now?

—What?

Tomas turns slightly to face her, and Lore sees his lips drawn back from his remaining teeth.

—What do you want from me?

Her stomach folds in on itself. His breath fills the room.

Lore doesn’t go to the cellar for a week, waves Jüri off down the road alone in the afternoons. He stares at her reproachfully at mealtimes, whispers to her in the dark of the bedroom. Says that Tomas asks for her, wants to know why she doesn’t come.

Lore lies awake while the children sleep, keeps the lamp lit by her bed. She fights against her closing lids, afraid of the pictures which sit behind her eyes, the threads which knot themselves together in the dark.

She dozes in the daylight. On trams with Peter, waiting in the lines with Liesel and Wiebke, sitting at the table by the window with her Oma.

Mutti and Vati and Tomas circle her thoughts, are pushed away, and then return.

It is late afternoon and Jüri has not come home. Oma is awake and has asked after him twice already, worried that he may be playing in the ruins.

—They are dangerous, Hannelore. I have told him to keep away from them.

Lore goes to the end of the road to look for her brother. Waits twenty minutes, half an hour, but still there is no sign. She looks back to the house, sees Oma standing in her coat, watching by the iron gate at the end of the drive. Lore waves, uneasy. Shouts to her that she shouldn’t worry; that she will go and look for him; that she is sure she won’t be long.

Lore watches from the tram, walks fast along the streets. She
doesn’t want to see Tomas, wants only to find Jüri and then quickly go home. She calls for her brother, but there is no reply, and she draws ever closer to the cellar. She waits at the corner, but it is already so late. She clambers across the rubble, heart full of misgiving, head full of the hate in Tomas’s face. But when she slides down into the courtyard, Jüri is crouching in the cellar doorway alone.

The stove is overturned, loose bricks have been torn from the walls, and the door hangs off its hinges. Jüri is pale and breathless, his eyes ringed dark like bruises. Lore sits down next to him and he presses his fingers into her skin.

—What happened?

—Tomas has gone.

—Where has he gone?

—I don’t know.

—What happened?

—We went out to get wood. He told me to wait at the corner by the station and said he would get some soup, and I waited, but he didn’t come back.

—How long did you wait?

—Two hours.

—Maybe he had to queue?

—But he broke the door, Lore. He did this. I know he did.

—Did you have a fight, Jüri? Did he hit you?

—No. He’s gone away. He was looking for his things. But I hid them.

—What things?

—He said you knew, Lore. He told me you knew. I said you would never tell, but he didn’t believe me because you didn’t come anymore and now he’s gone away.

Jüri wails, holding on to Lore’s arm. His face is wet with snot and tears. He speaks and she can’t understand him.

—You must never tell. Not even Liesel. Or even Peter. Not ever.

—Jüri!

—Promise? Please, promise you won’t tell.

—What did you hide?

Lore helps him lift the paving slab. Wood lice curl up and run for cover in the rubble and Tomas’s wallet sits snug in a hole at the base of the wall. Small and brown, the leather cracked and worn.

—I only did it so he wouldn’t go. I didn’t want him to be angry. Will he be angry with me, Lore?

Jüri is still crying. Lore pulls the wallet out of its hiding place and opens it with stiff, clumsy fingers, the contents dropping to the floor. At her feet lies a scrap of striped cloth with a yellow star sewn to one side. Underneath that is another piece of the same cloth, also torn, also fraying, and with a familiar set of numbers running across its grubby stripes. Still inside the wallet is a thin piece of gray card, folded over, and inside that is a paper, with a photo, and a large black stamp. Jüri watches as Lore holds the picture up to the light.

—You didn’t know?

—What?

—It’s not him.

The photo on the card is of a man with dark hair and sunken eyes. Smudged and worn and crumpled. Lore thinks it could be Tomas, at a glance. Even when she looks closer, she sees his blunt cheek, the run of his jaw. She spreads the papers and the cloth out carefully on the broken ground. Her wrists feel weak; the paper is brittle. The face in the photo has a soft mouth. Perhaps it isn’t Tomas, perhaps Jüri is right.

—He took it. He had to have it. For when the Americans came to let everyone out.

—Tomas stole these things?

—You mustn’t tell, Lore. He said it didn’t matter. The man was a Jew, you see. He was dead already.

Lore hasn’t stopped looking into the face. The gaunt features, the fine lips parted, eyes cast downward, lids almost closed.
Dead already
.
Lore studies the paper, but the name has disappeared in a crease, lost in the nervous folding and refolding.

—Tomas said the Americans like Jews, so he used these things to pretend.

—He told you this?

—He said you knew.

Jüri crouches, with his bony knees pulled up against his chest, watching for Lore’s reaction.
What do you want from me?
Her stomach coils itself tight again, the saliva turns sour on her tongue. She spits, sits with her head between her knees, and Jüri shivers next to her.

—Tomas said that people are angry now, so it’s safer to be a different person. I said he could be in our family and then no one would know it was him.

Jüri’s eyes are red and his jaw pulled taut. Lore can’t listen to him anymore.

—We will burn it.

—He said he is my brother, Lore.

—I know that. I know. We will burn it and then we will go home.

Lore builds a fire in the rubble with bits of wood from the broken stove. She lays the dead man’s belongings on top, the wallet and the photo, the crease where his name was and the last scraps of his clothes. The flames lick around the edges of the cloth and the striped weave blackens first, then glows. The paper sits untouched on top for a long time, but at last begins to curl. The charred edges fold over the thin face in the photo, and when they fall away again the dead man is gone.

The courtyard grows dark around the small fire. Jüri is still shivering, but Lore sweats in its warmth, sits away from it, pressed into a gap in the wall.
What do you want from me?
She tries to unravel Tomas and prisons and skeleton people; lies and photographs; Jews and graves; tattoos and newspapers and things not being as bad as people say. In the middle of it all are Mutti and Vati and the badges
in the bushes and the ashes in the stove and the sick feeling that Tomas was both right and wrong, good and bad; both at the same time.

Lore pulls on her boots as soon as the sun shows over the trees in the Meyers’ garden. Jüri has been asleep for an hour or two, eyes swollen shut with tears. Liesel sits up, but Lore tells her it is still too early for breakfast, she will come back and wake them when it is time. Her breath shows in the Meyers’ hallway, and she leaves footprints behind in the frost on Oma’s drive. Wiebke answers the door with sleep in her eyes and makes some bitter acorn coffee, which Lore drinks while Oma dresses. It is still not yet light when grandmother and granddaughter walk down to the lake.