Lord of Rage & Primal Instincts (34 page)

Jeremy jerked her closer, his kiss deepening.

Off balance, she fell onto his lap, straddling his legs. The hard ridge of his cock sent another wave of warmth through her. She pushed herself closer, touching him through their scant clothes. She began to move up and down, mimicking the moves she’d make on the mattress.

Jeremy placed his hands on either side of her face and gently thrust her away. She balanced her forehead on his. Their heavy breathing filled the room. Jarringly, she sat up and shoved the hair from her face. She couldn’t pretend that was nothing—her nipples still throbbed.

Okay, it was sex. Just sex. But nothing else.

Through a sensual haze, their gazes locked. His eyes blazed like sunlit sapphires.

“You’re right,” he said, his tone flat. His expression blank. “You don’t love me.”

He’d called her bluff.

And then Jeremy Kelso pushed himself up from the chair, collected his things and walked out her door and out of her life.

That’s when she noticed the light in her kitchen was working.

I
AN LOOKED AT HIS WATCH
for the third time. A feeling completely foreign and strange came over him. He wasn’t exactly sure what it was until he looked at his watch yet again in the span of less than thirty seconds. That’s when the feeling wagged its smug little finger at him.

He was nervous.

Why was he nervous? He wasn’t a nervous kind of guy. People shot at him, and he didn’t blink at that.

But he knew the reason. He was edgy because his time with Ava was over. He’d typed the last word of the book last night. This morning he’d scanned the last picture and emailed everything to his sister. He expected to hear from her at any moment. But he wasn’t worried about her thoughts on the book. He knew that
Sex by the Book
—the new title—was stunning. Ava had created something amazing. But…

He’d faced guns, angry officers of the law and death, but none of that compared with facing Ava when she arrived. He’d said goodbye to a few women in his day, but they’d all been like him, looking for some contemporary company.

And he’d never been in love with any of them.

In fact, falling in love had never entered his mind.
What the hell?

Had the word
love
just charged into his head? Twice? If it had, he planned to make it exit. Love, if he even
believed it existed, didn’t mix with anyone with the last name Cole.

But then he thought of the beautiful woman on her way to him. Damn. He’d done it. Or she’d done it. Whoever it was, he’d fallen in love with Ava Simms.

He’d been an idiot not to see it coming. How could he not spend all that time with someone as witty, smart and sexy as Ava and not fall in love with her?

Yes, it was definitely time to go.

Then he saw her walk through the door of the elegant restaurant where he’d booked a table for them to celebrate the completion of the book. Huge chandeliers hung from the ceiling, and the most expensive china and silverware graced the table.

The perfect setting for a breakup.

She smiled at the hostess in greeting. He’d miss that smile aimed in his direction, Ava’s blond hair flowing freely around her face the way he liked. Damn, she was so beautiful. And challenging. She made him wish for things. Things he could never have.

It was right to end it now.

Ava removed her sunglasses and he watched as her beautiful green eyes scanned the area. Their gazes met. Held.

Those emerald eyes of hers communicated a wealth of feeling. Each intriguing. But the emotion that called to him, drew him in, was the promise he saw lingering in their lush depths. A promise he couldn’t take her up on.

She smiled at him now, and he almost changed his mind. Almost. He didn’t return her smile.

Ava slid into the plush seat across from him, her eyes searching his. She seemed to find what she was looking for because she dropped her gaze and sighed. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” He nodded.

“What about taking a vacation?”

“You know that wasn’t really real. We just told ourselves that. My flight leaves tonight.”

A line formed between her eyebrows. “So soon? Don’t I get any say in this?”

He shrugged, knowing he was hurting her. “Why would you?” he asked, angry at himself for being deliberately cruel.

He sighed and looked around the restaurant, avoiding looking at her. Having this last meal with her had been a mistake. Soon she’d have him rethinking his decision to leave. To follow his chosen career path. Like after the sending-off ceremony, when he thought he could do anything.

She lifted her shoulders in a slight shrug. “Yeah, why would I?”

A waiter approached their table. Oblivious to the tension between them, he asked merrily, “What can I get you folks to drink?”

Her green eyes examined Ian once more, then she looked up toward their waiter and offered him a tight smile. “Nothing for me, thanks. I’ve decided I’m not hungry.”

She stood, and Ian stood along with her. “Ava, let’s—”

“No, Ian, it’s okay. Stay, or go. It doesn’t matter. I’ll take a walk around the canal. Plan what I’m going to do next. Maybe sort out that vacation.”

He flinched. The idea of her vacationing, having a life without him, made him ache.

“In fact, I missed a call from your sister.” Ava balanced on her tiptoe and kissed his cheek. “Take care,” she whispered below his ear.

This wasn’t right. She shouldn’t be leaving him. He shouldn’t be letting her go. Letting her go? Hell, he’d pushed her away.

They should be celebrating over wine and candles
and all that romantic stuff he knew would make her happy. They should be swapping memories of the last few days of the writing process. Laughing over times they’d argued, because it was done now and the finished product really worked.

Afterward, he would take her into his arms. Lead her onto the dance floor, then later hold her in his arms while they made love. Any normal boyfriend should be thrilled things were beginning to work out for her career.

But he wasn’t boyfriend material. His sister called him an adrenaline junkie. A risk taker. And there was Ava, a gentle researcher. An academic. How would their lives ever meet?

Ending this—it was the right thing to do. He knew it. But knowing that didn’t make it stop hurting like hell.

M
IRIAM SAT FOR A MOMENT
and watched the blinking cursor on her laptop screen. It felt good to be back in the swing of things. She knew catching up on work at home would make her return that much smoother.

Work. The one thing that was always there for you. Never left your side.

She’d learned on her father’s knee that reaching the top level of a chosen career was the epitome of success. Things like family and kids never really factored in. Certainly hadn’t played a key role with her dad, anyway. Words like
kids,
and
mommy
and
doughnut
seemed to roll off Jeremy’s tongue without him even choking. Weird.

Miriam rubbed her temples. She couldn’t remember the last time she let someone else handle the particulars. Jeremy had wanted to handle the particulars. He’d been interested in her business. Keeping their home clean. Feeding her. Fixing the things that were broken in her life.

But she’d realized a long time ago, there was no fixing some things that were broken. Especially when the
breaks and tears had happened so long ago. She’d been cynical about love, about men, about relationships by the time she was thirteen. A few delightful days spent with Jeremy were never going to fix that.

Yet…she’d wanted them to.

A knock sounded at her door and she jumped, knowing it was him. It had been two long days since Jeremy had left her apartment. Left her.

But she’d recognized his knock. A funny thing to be familiar with, but there it was. She could distinguish his knock as surely as she could make out his scent or the build of his body.

She raced for the door, swinging it open. Jeremy stood there, looking sad and oh, so good on her eyes. “I’m leaving tonight. Thought I’d say goodbye.”

She nodded, not really trusting herself to speak.

He rubbed the callused pad of his thumb against the swollen softness of her lips. She darted out a tongue and tasted his skin, unable to stop herself. With a groan, his lips found hers with an urgency that made her heart skip and her toes curl.

She buried her fingers in Jeremy’s hair, pulling him closer as she opened her mouth for him.

Thrills shot through her as his tongue entered her mouth and filled her with heat. Jeremy’s hands moved from her waist to cup her breasts, and she moaned deep in her throat.

M
IRIAM SMOOTHED HER HAIR
from her forehead and molded herself to Jeremy, not ready to let go of him yet. She placed a kiss in that sensitive place between his neck and shoulder. “I’m glad you came back.”

Jeremy lifted from her, his expression…not one that was typical of Jeremy. “Yeah, me, too,” he said as he rolled off her.

Miriam scooted up against the headboard, watch
ing as he reached for his jeans and stepped into them. He’d just tugged his shirt over his head when she finally clued in to the fact that he was actually getting dressed. Dressed to leave her.

“Are you going?” she asked. Surprised.

He gave her a tight nod. “It’s time.”

She yanked the sheet up and around her body. “Oh, well, you can…” Her words trailed off. What was she about to offer? That he could stay with her? Until when, morning? She recalled supervising the article on women broadcasting mixed signals.

What kind of mixed signals was she disseminating to Jeremy?

That she wanted him?

That she only wanted him for sex?

That she’d only use him for sex because she was afraid of what others would say and think?

When had she become so shallow? When had she become so much like her mother?

Her eyes prickled, and the back of her throat tightened. What a cold bitch she was.

“You came back tonight to show me how I made you feel. To show me what it feels like to only be used for sex.”

His sad blue eyes met hers, and he shrugged. “I started out that way, but I could never use you for sex, Miriam. I care for you too much.”

Was she so shallow she was about to lose the best thing in her life?

No.

She didn’t deserve him.

He tugged on a boot. She didn’t deserve him, but she wasn’t so stupid she was going to let him walk out of her life so easily. Things seemed so clear now. Sure, the cynical side of herself would say she was trying to
pound square pegs into round holes because she wanted Jeremy.

And so what if she were? Wasn’t he, wasn’t the thing between them, worth fighting for?

“Jeremy, wait.”

He turned slowly, reluctantly.

Her stomach clenched. She’d never seen that look on his face. Dejected. Tired. Resolved. “There are a million reasons why this shouldn’t work between us.”

“You’ve told me already.”

“But I haven’t told you why it can.”

The next words would be hard to get out. She hadn’t said them to another person since she was seven.

“I love you. You were right. I don’t know how it happened, maybe that scientist author who’s working with my brother is right, and something in you triggered something in me.”

She wrapped her fingers around his hand. “I know you’d never hurt me. You’ll try to rescue me and take care of me, and I’ll just say ‘screw it’ to anyone who says something about our age difference.”

Miriam saw his body tense. Then relax. In relief she realized she was winning him.

His expression lightened. “That’s my Miriam.”

She reached for him, drew him to her. “That’s who I’ll be. Your Miriam.”

He lowered his head and kissed her gently on the lips.

“I have tickets to the ballet tomorrow. I can’t wait to introduce you to my friends,” she said.

“Ballet? How about a baseball game? Maybe even tennis? I’ll even throw in dinner.”

She let out a laugh, and his grin turned into a full smile.

“Tough,” she said and touched the tip of her tongue to the seam of his lips.

“Miriam, when you do things like that to me, I can’t go slow.”

She ran her tongue up the side of his neck until she found his ear, tugging his lobe gently with her teeth.

Jeremy scooped her up in his arms. “I’ll wait for slow next time. I want you now.”

Miriam liked the sound of that.

A
VA STOOD IN THE OPEN
doorway of her apartment, only to find Ian leaving a stack of papers she assumed was the last chapter of the manuscript. He dropped the spare key she’d given him on top. She was startled, but not entirely surprised to see him still there. Something between them felt…unfinished. At least in her mind. Perhaps he felt it, too.

He stood slowly and faced her. “Miriam approved the book, it’s going into production.”

She forced a smile, feeling next to nothing. “That’s great.”

“You should be getting the rest of your advance now. That should seed you for your next project or your vacation.”

“Actually, I pitched another idea to Miriam. It came to me on my walk.”

He stuffed one hand into the back pocket of his jeans. “Really? I thought you might try to find work teaching.”

“I thought I would, too. But now I find I’m missing doing the actual field research. I think I’d much rather be out discovering new things than writing about them. It was a large part of my life, and I want to get back to it. Like you and being a reporter.”

He nodded slowly. “Just like me.”

“In fact, something you said gave me the idea. Remember how you said I knew all these ancient customs, but nothing of my own? Well, that’s what I plan to work
on, the more unusual marriage and courtship customs found in modern times.”

“Where do you plan to go first?”

“Miriam and I agreed on Sweden. I want to explore the rituals from colder climates. See how they’re different. How they’re the same. There’s something kind of sexy about spending months indoors under the covers with your love.” Her voice trembled. She’d tried to make it detached, but all she could imagine was snuggling under the covers with Ian.

“Maybe when you’re done with the research on that we could…” His words trailed.

Her throat began to ache. He was going to say work on the book together. “Yeah. Maybe. I’d like that.” She paused. Somehow this conversation felt like that coffee role-play. She’d offer him coffee. He’d accept knowing she was inviting him in for something other than a hot beverage.

Except this time it was about something a lot more close to her than coffee. This was the role-play about not seeing each other again, while pretending they would. This role-play only made her sad.

“Where are you headed?” she asked.

“The jungles of South America. Some interesting stuff brewing down there.”

She suppressed a shudder at the thought of Ian in the line of fire. “I’m sure you’ll enjoy the pace.”

A long awkward silence followed. She should be used to those by now, but she wasn’t. Ava folded her arms across her chest. He lifted the strap of his laptop case over his shoulder.