Look Both Ways in the Barrio Blanco (17 page)

Miss said nothing, even when I started shivering. I felt sick, like I had a fever. I thought about putting my new sweater back on, but I was afraid of the jinx.

Why isn’t Miss ordering me to roll up the window?

Finally I closed it myself.

We were on the street to Tía’s apartment when the van turned. I looked at Miss for an answer. She pulled into the youth center parking lot. In a few minutes I was in Mrs. E.’s office with a glass of soda in front of me. Diet.

“Sorry for not calling, Liz. We were driving by when I realized you might be able to help.”

Mrs. Espinosa sat on the sofa next to me. “What’s going on?”

Miss looked at me. “Jacinta?”

Does everyone have to know?
It felt like the word was stamped across my forehead in big red letters.
ILLEGAL.

Mrs. E.’s small dog — who usually slept in the corner of her office — got up on stiff little legs and trotted over to sniff my hands, which were suddenly wet. I wiped them on my jeans. I wanted Mamá, Papi. Someone to tell me what to do. I picked up the soda and took a sip so my mouth wouldn’t be dry, but my eyes started leaking.

“Was your dad deported?” Mrs. E. whispered.

As though asking softly would make it hurt less.

I nodded, holding the glass to my lips so I wouldn’t have to talk.

Miss said, “Well, not yet, anyway. Miguel called his sister this morning. He’s been detained, but he didn’t leave a case number, and he doesn’t know where he’s being held. We went to the ICE regional office and got stonewalled.”

Mrs. Espinosa frowned. “You went down there?”

Miss pressed her lips together and nodded.

Mrs. E. sighed. “You need to be careful, Kate. Sometimes those folks play rough. It could come back on Miguel.”

Miss flinched. “That’s what I’m afraid of. What happens now?”

“There should be a hearing,” said Mrs. E.

“Does he get a lawyer? What happens to the girls?”

Mrs. Espinosa stood up. “How would you ladies like some cookies?”

Why do grown-ups ask the stupidest questions at the worst times? I was left sitting
outside
Mrs. E.’s office with a plate of stale animal crackers and my watery diet soda. All the ice had melted.

I could see them through the office windows. Both ladies had cups of coffee, and their heads were together.
My
papi
had been taken away, but
I
was dumped in the waiting room with the dog.

To Americans, I’m just some Mexican. My whole family — a bunch of dumb Mexicans. Go ahead and shoot us like dogs
.

Mrs. E.’s little dog whined through his lips. I picked him up and held him. His tiny tongue tried to kiss away my tears.

Don’t worry
, I thought to him.
Americans don’t really shoot dogs
.

After a million years the ladies walked out of Mrs. E.’s office.

“Come on, Jacinta, we need to get to your aunt’s,” said Miss.

I was slow getting up. I didn’t thank Mrs. Espinosa, and I didn’t say good-bye. They were whispering to each other as we walked outside, so they didn’t notice. Or didn’t care.

“Tread lightly,” Mrs. Espinosa said in Miss’s ear.

Miss nodded, and we got in the car. As soon as Mrs. E. turned to walk back inside, I yanked the keys from the ignition.

“Jacin —” Miss’s voice broke off when she looked at my face.

“What did Mrs. Espinosa say?”

Miss stared at her lap. “She doesn’t know what will happen to you girls. Sometimes kids are deported with their parents. Sometimes they go into foster care.”

A bomb went off in my brain.

But Miss didn’t hear the explosion inside my head, so she kept talking. “Sometimes when parents are deported, their kids just — disappear.” She swallowed. “Your aunt’s not able to take care of all three of you. I — I’m thinking that you and Rosa should live with me for a while.”

“We need to get Papi back!”

Miss whispered, “I don’t know if we can.”

I threw myself against the car seat, pounding my fist on the window, making the van rock.

Miss jumped. “Jacinta!”

“How can a person’s life be fine one minute and destroyed the next?”
I didn’t realize I’d asked the question out loud until I heard Miss answer.

“I don’t know. Maybe Gerald Benton turned your dad in. To get back at me for embarrassing him in front of the city manager.”

It was a punch in the stomach.
I have no parents because of gymnastics?

Papi said he’d been stopped for a taillight.
But the next day a policeman came to our apartment!
I struggled to breathe. “You think Mr. Benton called the police?”

“Not really. I’m grabbing at straws. But somehow the police knew where to find you girls. And that worries me.” She took the keys from me and started the engine.

“WHAT ARE WE GOING TO
DO
?”

Miss looked at me. I saw her lips moving, but the sounds weren’t hers. They were the tones of a lost little girl. A voice like my own.

“I don’t know.”

The second time she’d said that to me. The second time in the same day.

WHEN WE GOT
to Tía’s apartment, Rosa was watching from the window. She ran to the van before Miss switched off the engine. “Papi called again. He gave us his case number.”

Miss frowned. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I did. You did not answer.”

Miss fumbled in her purse, then pulled out her phone. Looking at it, she groaned, then dropped it back in her purse. “All right, let’s get inside.”

My cousins ran into their bedroom to hide when Miss walked in. Suelita buried her face in the sofa. Tía’s and Rosa’s eyes were red.

Someone has to be strong. Someone has to get Papi back
.

“Miguel is in the Teller County Jail,” Tía told us.

Miss asked, “Teller County? Why Teller?”

“We need to go get him,” I said.

Miss turned to me. “Do you have any idea where Teller County is?”

“No,” Rosa and I answered together.

“Drive south for two hours and hang a right. It’s halfway into the mountains.” Miss asked Rosa, “Have you heard from your mother?”

“I talked to her brothers, but they do not know where she is. They have not heard from her since she left for America.”

I filled up with fear. I wanted to tear off my skin so I wouldn’t have to feel anymore.

Miss took a deep breath, then let it out. “I need to know what your parents want for you girls.”

She pulled out her phone and started pushing buttons.

Finally! Someone is doing something
. I took deep breaths, trying to quiet my heart. So I could listen.

“Colorado. Teller County Jail,” Miss said into the phone. She wasn’t a little girl anymore.

Yes, Miss, DO something. You have to, you HAVE to!

After a short conversation she dropped her phone back into her purse again. “He’s in Teller because of the overflow in Denver. They won’t let me talk to him on the phone. I need to go down there.”

“I’m coming with you,” I said.

“No. After talking with Liz Espinosa, I’m worried what could happen if they know where to find you girls.”

I shouted, “I don’t care! I’m not letting you mess up again.”

“
Mess up?
I’m trying to
help
. If your dad’s deported, you might get stuck in foster care.” She drew a breath. “Maybe it’s best if you live with me for a while.”

“If Papi’s deported, I’m going with him! I’m not staying with
YOU
!” All the times I’d daydreamed of being Miss’s daughter flashed through my guilty mind.

Fear flickered in her eyes. I knew she didn’t want Rosa and me going to Mexico. She still thought she knew what was best for us.

Her throat was red, but her voice was calm. “That’s your dad’s decision.” She turned to go.

My world tilted like a nightmare. I staggered after her. “Wait!”

She walked out the door and down the steps.

I chased her. Tried to make my words quiet, powerful. “Let’s think about this —”

But she opened the van door.

“IF YOU LEAVE WITHOUT ME, I’LL
HATE
YOU. I’LL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!”

She got in, slammed the door, and the locks clicked.

I made it to the passenger side and pounded on the window before Tía and Rosa caught me. I threw off my aunt’s hand and bloodied Rosa’s nose, but they dragged me back onto the curb.

A dog barked. Through my tangle of hair I saw someone across the street pull back a curtain to stare. Suelita and my cousins spilled out of Tia’s apartment, adding their shrieks to mine.

“Stop!
Please, stop!
” My words were strangled by sobs.

The van pulled away.

“I hate you! I HATE YOU!”

I screamed long after Tía and Rosa released me. Long after the van was gone.

MISS FUSSED
in front of the mirror in Tía’s tiny bathroom while I read the notes Miss had written for her testimony at Papi’s hearing. The note card on the top of the stack said:

I threw the stack of notes down on the table, scattering them. “This is stupid! Take me with you!”

“I already told you — your dad said no. Child Protective Services doesn’t know anything about you girls. He wants to keep it that way.” Rosa had gathered up the note cards I’d thrown. I grabbed them from her.

“No!” She tried to snatch them back.

I crumpled them. Ripped them.

Tía stood with her hand to her mouth. My cousins squealed. Miss came out of the bathroom and stood with her hands on her hips. “Luckily I’ve memorized what I’m going to say.”

For hours Rosa and I slunk from room to room in Tía’s apartment, like snipers in a video game. Our fears
ricocheted
off the walls, hitting Suelita and our cousins like bullets. They cried and fought with each other until they collapsed.

Tía rocked on the sofa, hugging the baby to her, staring with empty eyes.

I imagined Papi standing before the judge, so brave. Papi never showed fear. But he’d often been worried. Then I realized that worry
is
fear — the fear of things that haven’t happened yet.

We still hadn’t heard from Mamá. I threw myself across Tía’s big bed, squeezing my eyes shut, my sweaty hands gripping each other.
Please, God, please
. I didn’t put my thoughts into words, couldn’t let myself think about what might be happening to Mamá. Forming the words might make them come true.

When her van pulled up, we didn’t run to Miss. Rosa and I stared through the window, searching for some sign, a reason to hope. Clutching the baby to her chest, Carmen struggled to her feet.

Miss dragged herself out of the van, her face down.

Tía’s legs buckled. She fell back onto the sofa, sobbing.

Of course the judge didn’t care what Miss had to say! She’s nobody!
I could’ve convinced the judge to let Papi go, but I never had the chance, and it’s HER fault!
She put our address on the recreation form. She made Mr. Benton and Mr. Arellano angry. Miss used her power for stupid things, like swimming and gymnastics, and let Papi be deported!

I was ready to say these things to Miss. If I didn’t say them, my mouth would burst into flames.