Look After You (40 page)

“Well that
’s your problem right there. He isn’t a mind reader, Ava, you have to communicate with him, and you have to tell him what you’re feeling. During our earlier sessions, weeks ago, you explained to me that you had a hard time letting him back in after the incident. And it seems to me that he is trying to give you space, not forcing you into anything until you are one hundred percent ready. And as far as he is concerned, you still aren’t ready and he will continue to think that unless you tell him.

“
Also, have you thought of how this could have affected him? Just put yourself in his shoes for a moment and imagine what he must have been going through the night he entered that motel room. Whereas you were the victim and your point of view of that night was limited, Ashton was a witness, and he would have seen everything. In some ways that can be just as traumatic and it is possible that he has his own insecurities and anxieties from that night too. You need to be open with him, be open with each other.”

I take a moment to absorb her information, and I remember how tragic I looked in the mirror that night, I was full of
cuts and bruises, I was a mess. And then I think of Ashton, and I cringe inwardly at the image he must have seen when he arrived in that motel room, watching how I was aggressively mauled and battered by Avery and then to witness Avery get shot and go into cardiac arrest while bleeding out on top of me. I can’t believe I am only just contemplating what Ashton must have gone through, how he must have felt seeing me like that. God, it must have killed him. I know it would have killed me if the shoe was on the other foot.

“
You’re absolutely right, I have been so focused on me and getting myself back on track that I haven’t even thought about how it could have affected him. He’s been so strong through everything; I didn’t even think to question how he was doing.” My heart begins to pound against my chest, and I can feel myself becoming worked up.

“
Ava, I can sense this upsets you, but what you have to remember is that you have been through a challenging time, emotionally and physically. Your mind has been solely concentrated on the past, and the incident. It is hardly surprising the focus has been on you. And as selfish as it might seem to you, you needed to be selfish to get to where you are today.”

She
’s right. I have been selfish. I close my eyes as regret begins to suffocate me. “No wonder why he’s been so distant from me physically. And after what he witnessed, I’ll be surprised he’ll ever want to sleep with me again. I must repulse him.” I frustratingly press the palm of my hands into my eyes, rubbing the tears away that are beginning to surface.

“
You’re doing it again, Ava, you are letting your insecurities run a million miles ahead of you,” she says softly and gradually I remove my hands from my eyes and look up to the ceiling with an inhale. Shit, we’ve been through this so many times. Whenever I have doubts or bad thoughts I automatically assume the worst, to the most unrealistic degree, but Doctor Campbell has been working me through it. She told me the moment I have an insecure thought I need to take a breather, count down from ten and once my mind has calmed, take a moment to rethink the insecurity through because nine out of ten times I am usually over reacting; so I do just that, I count down from ten. And once I have calmed down, I realize she is right. I was letting my insecurities take over.

“
Feeling better?” Doctor Campbell asks when I finally look to her.

“
Yeah.” I sheepishly smile.

“
And what are your thoughts now?”

“
That I was being ridiculous to think that.”

She s
hakes her head in disagreement. “You are not being ridiculous, Ava. After such a painful past where you have been continuously let down, your brain automatically assumes the worst, and that is absolutely understandable. It is a default you have become accustomed to, but seeing you take control of your insecurities and to be able to assess those insecurities rationally, shows me how much you have grown. You should be proud of yourself. It proves to me that you’re becoming the strong woman you aim to be. We’re not quite at the one hundred percent mark, but we will get there.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After my session, I remain quiet until we arrive at Ashton’s. Well, it’s technically our house now, since Lily and I moved in officially, a couple of weeks ago. Unofficially, we had been gradually moving in for weeks before, considering we spent most nights here than we did at my apartment. Caleb thought we were moving a little too fast, but Ashton wouldn’t have it any other way. I remember what he said to Caleb
. “I have almost lost Ava twice now, I am not going to let her out of my sight again.”

And well, here I am. My life is slowly getting back on track. My daughter is healthy and beautiful. I have the perfect man. I quit my job, and I
’m slowly building up my own editing business for indie writers. I only have a few clients at the moment, but the clientele continues to grow day-by-day. Everything is amazing, everything except for the physical side and well, it is something I am still wracking my brain with since discussing it with Doctor Campbell.

I sit myself down in the corner of the sofa, and I watch as Ashton looks through the mail in front of me and for once, I decide to concentrate on him, and I ask,
“Are you okay?”

He looks at me and smiles.
“Me? I’m fine, why do you ask?”

I fidget with my fingers
when I answer. “Everything’s kind of been about me recently; I just...I wanted to make sure you were doing okay with everything, with me.” The smile in his eyes is suddenly replaced with a look of concern. He takes a seat beside me on the sofa. “Why wouldn’t everything be okay with you?”

Taking a deep breath, I push the insecurities
aside and look him in the eyes. “Well I haven’t exactly been a great girlfriend lately, and it only came to light today that I haven’t once asked how you were doing. I kind of felt crappy after that.”

He edges a little closer but refrains from touching me. It hurts, but I have to remember what Doctor Campbell said about him still assum
ing I don't want to be touched. “Please don’t worry about me, I’m fine and to be honest I hadn’t even noticed. I have just been concentrating on you and getting you better. I know things haven’t been perfect, I know that, but I have never been happier, so you can stop thinking you haven’t been a great girlfriend because you’re the best girl a man could ask for, period.”

I give him a hesitant smile.
“Really, you’re happy?”

“
Yes, I’m as happy as a pig in mud.” This causes a bubble of laughter to escape, and I feel at ease instantly. “I’m happy, especially when your face lights up and you smile that beautiful smile of yours. You have nothing to worry about, okay? I love you” He presses a fragile kiss against my lips, and before I can deepen the kiss he is already pulling away and my heart sinks. I need to tell him. I want him to kiss me the way he used to kiss me, I want him to hold me the way he used to hold me, I want him to love me the way he used to love me. I just want him back...

“I’m gonna
’ go and take a shower before my shift.” I am momentarily startled when he stands and without saying another word he heads upstairs to take his shower, leaving me on the verge of tears as I let another opportunity to open up to him slip away. Inhaling, I close my eyes, and I find myself counting to ten, hoping the time out will calm my senses enough to stop the tears and to draw some clarity on how to open up to him. I want the confidence to return so I can tell him exactly what I want.

One eye opens when I hear the shower running from upstairs, and I feel the telltale signs of my arousal when I imagine him naked while the warmth of the water covers
every inch of his naked skin.

I glance towards the clock that sits just above the fireplace in the corner of the room, and I notice Caleb won’t be back for another hour with Lily and with the urge to join Ashton becoming so vigorous, I find myself walking towards the stairs in the direction of the bathroom.
 By the time I reach the door, my palms are drenched with sweat and my heart is slamming against my chest nauseatingly. As I trace my eyes over the door I have the sudden urge to turn around and run back down the stairs but realizing it is either now or never, I decide to rip the band aid off and enter.

I am met with a wall of steam, and it is instantly relaxing, and kind of erotic, a feeling that feels quite foreign to me after such a long time. As I walk further into the bathroom, I come to a stop at the sink and take a glance at my reflection in the mirro
r, and taking a deep breath, I watch myself as I remove my shoes, jeans and then lastly, my shirt. I trail my eyes along my slim body, bracing myself for what I’m about to do next. Breathing deeply, I reach behind my back to unclip the clasp of my bra and let the material fall away from my arms onto the tiled floor, leaving my eyes transfixed on my breasts. My heart is pounding at my vulnerable state, and even though I am absolutely petrified, the sound of Ashton showering from behind the frosted shower partition calms the storm that is currently brewing inside my body.

Glancing down at my white cotton panties, the idea of removing them scares me slightly, so I decide to leave them in p
lace, for now. I count to three and step towards the shower, pushing myself to join forces with my sexual urges.

Inhaling heavily, I step into the walk-in shower, push away all the insecurities I have felt d
uring the past three months and I press my chest against his back. I swoop my arms around his waist and I am immediately greeted with thrashing cascades of steaming hot water. His body jolts from under my touch and he freezes on the spot.

“Ava, what are you doing?” he asks panicked and pivots his neck to look at me. I press my chest further into his back, trail my hands up his chest and press a lingering kiss a
gainst the center of his neck.

“I want you,” I mumble against his skin and the feel of him against my lips sets my body alight. It’s strange but amazing
. I have missed this, so much.

“W-what?” he stutters with confusion. Feeling my confidence rising, I dig my fingers against his chest causing him
to hiss out loud at my touch.

“I’ve missed you,” I say with a whisper of a kiss. “I’ve been trying to tell you that I’m ready.”

He turns in my arms until he is facing me and his eyes widen at my half naked body. “You’re ready?” He asks with a dumbfounded expression, and all I can do is nod. His eyes carefully trace my naked chest and my nipples harden under his stare. He cautiously moves closer to me, and tingles shoot along the ridge of my spine when his fingers caress my cheek. The sensation is so intense I have to grasp hold of his wrist just to keep upright. “Are you sure?”

I lean into his hand, turning my head slightly and
press a gentle kiss against his warm wet arm. “One hundred percent yes. I wouldn’t have been able to do this three months ago.” He looks down at me with a look of adoration, his green eyes sparkling with worship. I trace my right hand up through his wet hair, and I love how the tendrils of his hair feel through my fingers. It’s been so long since I have done this that I’d actually forgotten how incredible it felt. My heart skyrockets at the realization, but it isn’t racing with terror, it’s racing with exhilaration.

“Kiss me,” I demand, and his eyes flutter with arousal. He seems frozen in time
as he gazes at me with a look of awe, but when I whisper, “kiss me,” for a second time, he finally awakens from his stupor, and I gasp with anticipation at the feel of his erection against my stomach. His fingers slide away from my cheek, up the back of my neck, and with his fingers buried within my hair, he leans in towards me until his breath is only an inch away from my lips.

“Kiss you?” he whispers.

“Please, I need you,” I reply breathlessly.

Then I forget how to breathe altogether when his wonderful moist lips press against mine and my entire world disappears in front of me. Usually by this point he would have pulled away, but much to my surprise I can’t keep the moan from escaping from the back of my throat when his tongue slips into my mouth. It is slow and tender, and I fall further into his spell.
Losing myself in this intimate moment, I caress my fingertips along his glistening back, and I grind against his leg with my hips when my fingers trail along the softness of his ass cheeks. He grunts inside my mouth and breathlessly pulls away. “Baby…what are you doing?” I smile when he calls me baby. He hasn’t called me baby since I told him not to, three months ago, after my brother tainted the word with his poison. But for the first time, when Ashton calls me baby, I don’t hear Avery, I don’t even think of him, I just focus on the man in front of me and how he makes one word sound so damn sexy.

“You just called me baby,” I whisper.

Regret instantly fills his eyes. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking-”

“Say it again.” His eyes widen, and he seems conflicted by my words. I reassure him by pressing
a tender kiss against his lips. “It’s okay; I want you to say it.”

His eyes assess my face no doubt trying find signs of reservations, but when he doesn’t find any, I can see his distinct smirk curling at the corner of his mouth and his e
yes sparkle with hunger. “Baby…” The way his husky voice drawls over the word is enough for me to lose control and the past two weeks of pent up sexual hormones set in motion, and I slam my lips onto his. I caress his tongue with my own and with the taste of his tongue tantalizing every one of my senses and the feel of the hot shower falling over us, almost like a tropical waterfall, makes me want him in a way that I have never experienced before. For the first time in my life, I feel the breeze of freedom. I have nothing clouding up my mind. No demons from my past, no guilt of betrayal for Sebastian, no heartache of having my daughter in hospital, absolutely nothing and it’s refreshingly freeing.