Look After You (14 page)

He nods on a light chuckle. “Yeah, the night you left your phone in my car, I quickly put my number in your contacts before I brought it to you. Just in case.” I’m not quite sure what to say to that, and luckily I don’t have to say anything as his beeper suddenly goes off. I slide my hand out from his, to let him reach down to his trousers. He glances at the black device, before looking back at me.
“Sorry, I need to go. Are you okay now?”

I nod and smile weakly.
“Yeah, I’m okay, thank you. I needed that cry more than I actually realized.” I lean in slowly and gently press my lips to his cheek, causing his breathing to abruptly stop. I linger a little longer than is probably classed as appropriate, but as soon as I realize this, I pull away. He looks a little taken aback at my affection but smiles nevertheless. We stand up together, and he leads me out from the family room. We say our goodbyes, and as I am walking through the double doors to the NICU, I hear my name being called. I turn to see Ashton looking at me, with a concerned smile on his face.

“She’s going be okay,” he says. I nod, giving him a half smile before turning back and walking through the doors of the NICU. Once I head into my daughter
’s room, it takes a lot of strength to keep the tears at bay when I notice the majority of her face is covered with a blue nasal mask that is attached to the CPAP.

She is sound asleep and even though the equipment and wires look frightening, she looks relaxed, almost happy, if that were possible for a preterm baby of thirty-three weeks gestation, to feel.
It is as if these set backs are just a walk in the park for her, that she is just rolling with them and going with the flow. She seems to find strength from somewhere within her, and I love how she continues to fight, even after six weeks of constant hurdles and complications. I am lucky that she is a fighter, because the six weeks I have been here, I know some parents haven’t been as lucky.

I have never known strength so powerful before, especially from somebody who is so tiny, and for those who say superheroes aren’t real, well they’re wrong because I’m looking at one right now.

Chapter 12

I am so immersed within the story I am reading on my e-reader that for the first time since I have known Ashton, I am unaware of his presence. Then I feel his masculine hand graze gently against my shoulder, jolting me to my senses and when I say jolt, I mean an eruption of tingles explode up and down my body. Breathlessly, I turn around and smile up at him. “Hey, Ashton,” I say as I press the button at the bottom of the e-reader with my forefinger to turn it to sleep mode.

“Hey
, to you. You looked miles away, good book?” He glances down at the device in my hands before returning his eyes back to mine.

“
Yeah,” I say with a smile. Then without pressing the filter switch on my mouth I say, “Sometimes it’s nice to get away from everything and be somebody else for a little while, especially with what’s been going through my head lately.” My eyes widen at my own honesty. Jesus, I keep forgetting how easily my words just slip out when I am in such close quarters with him. I am going to have to keep an eye on that, just in case something more secretive slips out, something that cannot be taken back.

Obviously noticing the uncomfortable flush glowing against my cheeks, his sad eyes suddenly turn mischievous.
 “If it’s anything like the literature that you edit, you were either channeling a submissive, a dom or a pole dancer, so which one was it?” Ashton questions with a wink and for the first time in days I laugh.

“None actually,
” I say, with a roll of the eyes.

His own hearty laugh trails away, and I feel my heart constrict at his penetrating gaze, and I can’t help but feel swept away by the intensity of it.
 “How are you? After yesterday?” he asks, while shoving his hands into the pockets of his white medical coat, not once taking his eyes from me.

“Yeah…I’m doing okay-ish,” I say with a weak smile, desperately wanting to change the subject. I don’t want to spend any more time speaking about my weakness, like yesterday morning. Although that was less talking, more sobbing uncontrollably in his arms, but that itself is one of my biggest weaknesses, a weakness that has been constant for the past six weeks.

“You were called away pretty quickly, was everything okay?” I say, successfully being able to steer the conversation away from me.

“
No, but its all part of being a doctor.” He shrugs his shoulders, but the sad look he gives me tells me everything without actually telling me, and my heart drops.

“
I’m sorry.”

“It’s just the way it is, for every success story on the NICU for one family, there is always a traumatic ending for another. It
’s a vicious circle, but that’s the way it is.”

He looks over to Lily for a moment, who, is still on the CPAP for her pneumonia but getting stronger by the hour. He continues.
“It’s hard because as much as I would like to be able to save every baby that comes into this unit I know that isn’t possible, but it’s the preemies like Lily-Mai, who give me a reason to push on as a doctor. The incredible babies who do nothing but fight from the moment they are born.”

I stare at him as my breath suddenly ca
tches at the back of my throat. I furiously scan through the perfect contours of his face, as I search for confirmation he’s as amazing as he looks because if he is, I really am in trouble. His breathing noticeably deepens, as he looks at me with the same intensity. His mouth turns up into a sexy smile, his eyes twinkling with a look of lust and for just one moment I have the urge to bite against those incredibly swollen lips of his. They are ridiculously inviting. And as for his hair, what I wouldn’t do to run my fingers through every strand, gripping it tightly in my fists…

“What?” he whispers, the movement of his chest rising and falling in a quickened pace.

I have to shake my inappropriate thoughts away from my head before I can find my voice. “Nothing…I…um,” I stammer, my voice crackling with strain. “You’re just one of the most selfless people I have ever met, you’re pretty incredible.” This time I actually meant to say what I said, but it still doesn’t stop the blush from glowing against my face. His eyes widen with a look of surprise, momentarily stunned at my words.

He gives out a nervous clipped laugh. “I don’t know about that.” Not only is he sexy as fuck, sweet,
and selfless, he is also modest too.

“I do. A selfish person wouldn’t be doing what you do. You work crazy hours, crazy shifts, practically live in this place twenty-four seven, saving the lives of babies. If that isn’t selfless, then I don’t know what is,” I say honestly, earning the most charming smile from the most charming man who is stood only a foot away from me.

“Selfless or not, I didn’t sign up for the job for self-gratification, or a ticket to the golden pearly gates of heaven. I just wanted to make a difference somehow. And for your information, I don’t practically
live
in this place twenty-four seven. I’m actually heading out soon, and I have a day off tomorrow,” he says matter-of-factly, chuckling quietly.

“Okay, that I retract, but the rest still applies.”

“What that I’m, pretty incredible?” he asks, mocking my words.

“Don’t push your luck; I might retract that if you’re not careful.”

He continues to laugh, his shoulders shaking slightly. “I don’t think my ego could cope with the deflation of that retraction. Plus if you did retract it, I would always know the truth anyway, so it’s a moot point.”

“I wouldn’t want to do anything to deflate you in any way,” I mock, adding a dramatic eye roll. It takes a moment to realize the content of my words and how easily they could be taken out of context. He doesn’t say anything but the smirk on his face tells me he understood the accidental hidden innuendo behind my words.

That’s when I realize, for the second time in two days; it is Ashton that has made me feel light again. He has made me forget the weight I have been carrying on my shoulders, and for the first time since my nightmares began again, I feel I can breathe. The airy, weightless sensation I am feeling right now, is exactly what I was trying to find in the solace of my run yesterday morning, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that, especially with Ashton being the one to make me feel that way. Not Caleb, not Sebastian, but Ashton. The mere thought of Sebastian hits me like a tidal wave, and I despise myself for having these strange feelings for somebody else while he’s out there fighting a bloody war, risking his life. And even though I know it’s wrong on a thousand different levels I can’t hide away from the fact that Ashton makes me feel this way. I can’t help but feel incredibly fascinated as to why he seems to be the only person who is able to make the demons disappear.

“Hey, where’d you go?” Ashton’s burly voice suddenly brings me back to reality, as I realize I have been staring at him,
hidden within my deep thoughts.

I shake my head, blinking rapidly through my tired eyes, hoping to refresh my mind.
 “I’m sorry, I was in a world of my own. I think I’m just exhausted,” I lie, even though exhaustion isn’t far from the mark. That and I’m still feeling a little crappy with the dehydration from yesterday. I confirm my exhaustion with an all mighty yawn that has my eyes brimming with tears.

A velvet chuckle vibrates from Ashton as he takes one step forward, closing the space between us.
 “You can say that again. Well I am off duty in an hour. I have a few rounds to do, my first being this beautiful girl here,” he says smiling affectionately at my daughter. “Then I can take you home if you like.” As soon as the words escape from his lips, I notice Caleb’s head bob up through the glass door, smiling warmly once his eyes stop on mine.

I point towards Caleb as he pushes the door open, entering the NICU room.
 “Um, it looks like my ride has arrived but thank you for the offer,” I say quietly as I glance nervously in Caleb’s direction. Ashton must sense my growing anxiety in the presence of Caleb, as he takes a much-needed step away from me, but never once unlocking his gaze from mine. However, once Caleb has cleaned up it seems the intense gaze currently coming from Ashton doesn’t go missed by him as his forehead wrinkles with suspicion on his approach.

“Am I interrupting something?” The confirmation of his suspicion laces his voice as he looks between the both of us. I shake my head and just as I am about to respond, Ashton beats me to it, finally tearing his eyes off me.
“I was just discussing Lily-Mai with Ava here. I am just going to do some vital checks, then I’ll be out of your hair.” He gives us a polite smile, then steps away and turns toward Lily-Mai.

Caleb turns to look at me, with his arms cross
ed, raising his eyebrows at me. When I mouth, “What?” he doesn’t say a word, he just continues to look between Ashton and me and considering I’m not one for being the main attraction of my own personal ping ball match, I sink myself back into the rocking chair and go back to my e-reader.

When Ashton finishes his vital checks on Lily-Mai and tells Caleb about her current situation and prognosis, he leaves the room, but not before giving me his sweet smile, his eyes gazing almost lovingly towards me. I have to swallow down the lump that has formed at the back of my throat as my heart races faster. I smile back at him, then he exits the room, leaving me a little winded by the lack of his presence, even though he’s only just left. I don’t realize I am staring at the door where Ashton just exited until Caleb moves into very same space, shaking me out of my daze.

“That dude is totally into you,” he says matter-of-fact. I just laugh; the mere thought of Ashton being ‘into me’ is absolutely ridiculous.

“He is not,” I say as I look back down at my e-reader, pretending to be engrossed in the literature, even though I have spent the past ten minutes rereading the same sentence.

“I saw the way he was looking at you, Ava, he wants you. Badly.” I don’t even look up; I just continue to stare down at the words, glaring uncomfortably at the screen. “Ava?” he snaps at me quietly. This causes me to whip my head up, my eyes practically screaming, “What?” without actually having to speak the words out loud.

“You’re blushing.”

“No, I’m not,” I say furiously, my cheeks disobeying my body in the worst possible way as I feel heat filling my entire face.

“
Do you like him?” he demands, his eyes piercing into mine.

“I’m engaged to Sebastian,” I say quickly, brushing off his accusation, anxiously wanting to steer away from this conversation. He scrunches his face up, in humored confusion.

“That wasn’t the question I asked, Ava. I’ll ask again, do you like him?”

I purposely avoid eye contact with him as I concentr
ate on my daughter, who is lay only a few feet away from me. I do like him, a hell of a lot. I am so attracted to him that the thought of him melts me to my core, and I hate that I feel that way, yet at the same time I love it. Shit. It’s confusing.

“You say a lot with your mouth shut,
” he says. I just roll my eyes, returning my glare towards him. I go to say something, but my words get caught at the back of my throat. He steps forward, crouching down in front of me. “It’s okay to be attracted to him, you’d be blind not to, but with the way he was looking at you, and how intense it was in here when I walked in, I’m just a little worried of his intentions. He wasn’t just looking at you as if he wanted to get into your panties, it was more than that, it was as if he would walk over hot coals for you.”

I just shake my head. “He is just friendly, he doesn’t like me, not like that.” I brush it off for the benefit of Caleb but deep down I know mine and Ashton’s friendship or relationship or whatever you want to call is anything but an innocent friendship, it never has been. It is only now that I’m starting to realize how much of an impact he is actually having on me.

“Just be careful. You’re vulnerable at the moment, and I don’t want anybody taking advantage of that. You’re still recovering from the last asshole who took advantage of you and you’re still paying the price for it.” The calming warmth that had been surrounding me when Ashton was around me has suddenly faded, and all I feel now is the return of a heavy weight reigning over me, dragging me back down into the darkness.

“Well thank you very much for reminding me what an absolute head case I am. I may be at the most vulnerable I have ever been in my life, but I will never let anybody
else treat me the way my brother did. Ever,” I hiss at him, my body quaking with anger as I stand up from my seat, and storm out of the room, heading down the corridor, not wanting Lily-Mai to sense my anger. The NICU is not the place where I can vent my anger. Lily doesn’t need the fucking stress of it. She has enough on her little plate. Once I remove myself from the unit, I pace up and down the corridor, urging myself to calm down and soon enough I find myself visualizing Ashton and his beautiful face. My anger begins to subside as I keep my focus on him. Well, that it is until I see Caleb walking towards me, with his face a look of concern. I look up to the white ceiling, taking deep soothing breaths. I feel Caleb’s body, and before he can speak a word to me, I verbally lash out at him. “You’re an asshole, do you know that?”

Instead of being offended by my words, he laughs at them instead.
 “You can call me whatever the hell you want sweetheart, but if I’m an asshole for being protective of you, for worrying about you, then fine, so be it, I’m an asshole.”