Long Ride The Slayers MC #3) (10 page)

I don’t know why I’m studying her. This is one of the moments where I should let her have some dignity and at least pretend to look at something else. But, I can’t. It’s as if I’m looking at Angel right now, the few times that I’ve seen my Ol’ lady cry.

It’s as if I know exactly what will happen next. I make a little mental checklist of the steps and watch as they unfold, checking them off as I watch them transpire.

First, the skin of her chin begins to dimple and quiver, followed by her lips tightening and pursing themselves into a straight line as the emotions cause a wave that makes her teeth chatter and she fights it.

Second, the little space between her eyes forms a “v” shaped ridge as she fights to hold in the tears that are threatening to overflow.

And lastly, her cheeks redden, flush, followed by the skin of her neck.

She grasps the papers tight in one hand while moving her other to wipe at the warm tear that trickles down in the space made by the side of her nose. She doesn’t reach for a tissue, for a napkin at even.

She just sits there and fights back the tears as best as she can, while flipping back to the first page and starting all over, reading through the document a second time.

Knowing what to expect this time around, the words must have less shock and she can really study them. By the time she gets to the second page again, I’m finished with my coffee and abandon the empty mug to stare out the glass window to the street outside.

I know I’m doing the right thing. That doesn’t make it any fucking easier though. No man, no real man at least, likes to watch a woman suffer. No
matter
the circumstances.

“Is she alright?” Tina asks in a croaked voice.

The suppressed tears that are building in the back of her throat can be heard as she does her best to speak through them. My eyes close. God, Angel does that too.

Back when I had first met Angel, that very first night, she was doing the same thing. Hiding her sorrow, hiding her pain from me. Her inner strength was doing everything it could to control what most people would find uncontrollable.

That little glimpse of sheer determination and will was the first imprint Angel had made on me. In that second, before I even got to know all about the rest, I knew that she had a fierce fire in her.

I can see it in her sister now, in the way she’s acting much the same as Angel would be.

“They’re
all
alright. All three of them,” I answer curtly.

They’re her family, her people, and she has every right to ask and to know how they are doing, but if she really wanted to know, then she could easily have found out on her own without me having to come and deliver the news in person.

“I hurt them so much. I—I—” she moves to explain.

“Not my business,” my words cut her explanation short. “I’m not a therapist. I’m no priest either. I’m not the one you need to unload your conscience on, Tina.” I soften my tone, realizing this must sound harsh. The last thing I wanna do is piss this chick off enough to tell me to fuck off and not sign what I came here to have her sign.

“I’m just the man who met a woman, fell in love with her. I knew she had baggage. I knew she had demons, and all I’m tryin’ to do is help get rid of some of them,” I give her the abridged version. “Molly,” I use Angel’s real name, as Tina would have no idea what I was talking about if I referred to my lady by the name I’d given her myself, “Molly loves Sasha as if she were her own. She takes care of her. We both do. But, Sasha’s getting to the age where she needs stability. She needs normalcy and we can give that to her.”

Tina begins to shake her head. No one likes to be confronted with the truth.

I need to lay it on thick.

“You knew what you were doin’ back when you left your little girl, Tina. You knew you couldn’t take care of her. You knew Molly could. You made the right choice and all I’m askin’ you to do is to finish what you started.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking me to do. She’s all I see at night when I close my eyes. She’s the reason I have the strength to even get up the next day.
Every
time I wanna use again,
every
time I wanna make the pain go away, she’s the reason I don’t. One day, I wanna be able to have her look into my eyes and have my little girl smile at me and be sober enough to feel what that’s like. You’re asking me to give all that up.” Her tears are falling freely, past the point of being suppressed.

I nod. “I know what I’m asking you to do. I’m asking you to be a mom and do what’s right for her kid. That’s ain’t an easy thing.”

Her eyes move once more along the papers and this time I find that I’m trying to read her mind, to read the thoughts inside. This could go either way at this point. She’s clean, at least for now she is, and there’s no guarantee that she won’t think
she’s
what’s right for Sasha. All the hard work she’s put into rebuilding a life for herself, she may just feel that it’s time all that effort paid off and decide to take her kid back.

I know I’d put up a fight, spend every penny I had on that battle, but there’s no guarantee it would work. I don’t even want to think about what it would do to Angel along the way. And the baby.

Ugh, God.
What the fuck did I do?

This could all backfire and blow up in my face causing worse damage than what’s already been done.

“I want to see her,” Tine finally lets out. Her voice is clearer now.

Fuck. It’s starting. She’s gonna make a move to get back her daughter. I can feel it, and I’m the one responsible for it.

Angel will never forgive me.

Hell, I’ll never forgive myself.

Before I even have a chance to tell Tina how there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that that’s gonna happen, she holds up the papers.

“You want me to sign these? Then I want to see with my
own
two eyes that my kid’s alright. See that what you’re telling me is true, and that she’s better off with you and Molly. That’s the least you can do.”

I exhale deep and long. Great. Yet
another
thing she’s got in common with her sister. She’s a negotiator.

I spend the next handful of minutes weighing out the pros and cons of this situation. By the time I’m done, let’s just say the cons far outweigh the pros. This can all go very wrong very fast.

But, I don’t see a way around it.

At least now, I have some hope that she’ll actually sign. That’s got to count for somethin’. I’ve been feelin’ her out since the second I laid eyes on her, measuring what kind of a person she seems to be.

That’s how I noticed how similar to Angel she was. That’s how I know that,
just
like Angel,
she
won’t give in on this. She won’t budge. She’s as fuckin’ stubborn as my Ol’ lady, and if I try to press her, use scare tactics, make her sign these papers, she’ll only come out swinging, and then this is going to go exactly how I don’t want it to.

“There will be rules,” I set out. “You don’t talk to her. You don’t talk to Angel. You can see her, but she can’t see you. That’s the only way I’ll agree to this. That little girl has been through enough. I don’t need her getting all messed up because of this.”

Tina smiles and doesn’t waste a second. Her wobbly hand is extended across the table, over the empty plates and coffee cup.

“Deal.” She’s looking to shake on it.

As if that means anything.

Never
trust a junkie.

I oblige her and shake firmly. “One more thing you should know, darlin’.” I don’t let go of her hand. “I’m not a person you want to even consider fuckin’ over. Because I guarantee you, you
won’t
live long enough to regret it.”

CHAPTER TEN

STITCH

“Quit your bitchin’ and take it like a man!” I hurl the last baseball in my hand out toward the brightly colored bulls-eye target.

Unlike the first two balls I had thrown, this one finds its way to the round red and white circle just before a loud “whooshed” splashing can be heard shortly after the “Fuuuck!” that preceded it.

Once Uno breaks the surface, combing back his sopping long greyish hair it doesn’t take long for Trix to lay it on him.

“I’m not gonna tell you again to watch your damn mouth! There are kids around! Really! It’s just a little water. Stop being such a baby,” his Ol’ lady reprimands him, adding insult to injury.

Next up is Hops, who bought enough balls to fill a metal bucket. There’s no way Uno is getting out of this easy today. I’ve lost count, but he must have gone under about twenty times so far.

Each time I hear that spring lever drop and hear the colorful curse Uno lets out, it’s like music to my ears. I’ve paid my dues by being in that tank once or twice over the years and had my fair share of water up my nose, freezing my ass off in between dunks. It’s about time Uno got to experience it himself.

I’m just shocked to shit that Gryff isn’t here to do the honors himself.

The rest of the boys have already spent a small fortune buying the balls for the chance to dunk the man like a wet cat, but none of them are getting off on it as much as Gryff would.

He’s got some small beef with Uno, and this is the perfect opportunity to get even and call truce.

“How’s she holding up?” I wrap my heavy arm around Baby and let the weight of it fall on her small shoulders. Lu’s been asleep in that sling contraption she’s got around her, holding the kid close to her chest.

At first, when she came home from the store and showed me the thing, I thought it was some sort of a scarf. Then she showed me how she’d wear it, and even told me
I
could wear it to carry the baby around.

I promptly told her she’d lost her damn mind and I wouldn’t be caught dead with that kangaroo pouch on. I’ll hold my kid. I’ll rock her to sleep, and even hum some nursery rhyme to keep her calm. I’ll change her dirty diaper, and I’ll give her a bath, but I draw the line at looking like a pussy with that thing slung around my torso.

I’d never hear the end of it.

“She needs to eat in a bit. I’m all out of bottles and I don’t really want to whip my tits out here, so I think I’ll take her home,” Baby looks up to me. “You can stay if you want. I’ll see you at home later.”

I’ve already given enough money in tickets, hot dogs, beer, and a straight up donation to have done my part here. Sure, the fireworks don’t start until after sunset, but I’ve seen them a dozen times. Right now, all I want is to be with my family.

“Nah.” I blow off the rest of the carnival. “I’m beat. Let’s get outta here and go home. We can still see the fireworks from there.”

Our house is only three blocks away.

“You sure?”

I pull her in tight. “Beyond a doubt. We can pick up a nice bottle of that wine you like and set up a blanket outside, watch the show from there.”

Baby grabs me by the scruff of my collar and pulls me down to her. “You read my mind.”

Yeah. I’m real good at that.

Comes in handy when I know something she wants, but hurts like hell when I know she’s feeling things that would just gut me if she ever said them straight out. These last few weeks have been a game of tip toeing and dancing around certain topics.

But, that shit ends tonight.

I thought I could take it, thought I could just move forward and hope like hell it went away, but it hasn’t. It’s time to get it all out in the air before it breathes up all the oxygen and suffocates us while we continue to pretend it’s not there.

~*~

I can’t remember the last time we did this.

Back when we first bought the house, I remember we’d sit out here around the fire pit at night and just stare up at the stars, talking about all the things we wanted to do.

“I thought you could use a cold one,” Baby’s sweet voice breaks through the crackling of the growing fire in the brick pit. She hasn’t worked behind the bar over at the club in months, but I guess some habits die hard.

“Still the hottest, sexiest bartender I’ve ever seen,” I gratefully take the cold bottle but don’t let her get away that easily. “Come here.”

I pull her hand down until she lands in my lap. The sturdy Adirondack chair holds us both as Baby shifts her weight evenly over me.

“You know what I was just thinkin’ of?” I whisper close to her ear.

Baby wraps her arm around me and leans back, relaxed. “How young and dumb we were back when we sat here for the first time?”

Sipping my beer, I let my free hand fall to cover her thigh. “
You
were young.
I
was dumb. But, look at us now. All this time later. We’re still here.”

My woman’s not like most. She’s not the timid kind, she’s not the in your face ball-buster kind either. If she’s got somethin’ to say, she says it. Most of the time. When she’s quiet, and when she’ll do anything to look
anywhere
else then at me, that’s when I know something’s simmering under the surface.

“They’re starting,” she points over the hedges to the patch of bare sky that holds a million twinkling little stars.

The first firework sets off, launching high, with a stream of sparks following it, arching at an angle and then finally bursting. The multicolored little explosions set off pretty regularly, dancing and whirling high above.

It gives her something to pay attention to, something to focus on.

The last three days have been tense, been different around here. We haven’t talked about the comment she slipped out when telling Dawson what to do and what not to do with Angel… the things
I
couldn’t do for
her
when she needed them.

Instead, we’ve tiptoed around it, pretended it hadn’t happen, pretended it meant nothing. But, clearly, it did.

When you’ve got a closeness with someone, something that’s been there for years, you know how to read it. This shit don’t read right and we’re both just skating around it rather than having to be the one to bring it up.

I know
she’s
not bringing it up because she probably feels guilty for letting it slip out.
I
haven’t brought it up because I’m afraid what else will come spilling out once the floodgates are open.

Even our sex life is starting to suffer from it.

I may not be able to stick my dick in her yet until the doc gives the all clear from the birth, but that don’t mean we haven’t made up for lost time in every other way we could think of.

When you’re locked up, without your woman for so long, your body changes. It’s kind of like wanting the one thing you can’t have, just to fucking torture yourself some more.

I had three pictures of her in my cell, and I used them the best way I could. Every single day I’d hold one and stare at it, studying it, thinking about her. I swear I can close my eyes and see each one of those pictures as if they were right here in my hand. I’ve got them memorized. Every little freckle. Every single eyelash.

The way her one tooth is pointier than the rest.

The little dimple near the one corner of her lip.

At night, the photos served an entirely different purpose.

Those were the times when I missed her in ways only a man can miss his woman. Those were the moments when my body felt like it was gonna fuckin’ break, like it was missing a limb of its own without her next to me.

Sex had always been a huge part of our relationship. I’ve always wanted her, always needed her, always
had
her.

Until I was thrown into a cement cell and
couldn’t
have her.

That’s when I’d stare at her picture in the little bit of moonlight that would shine into my cell from one of the wire covered windows and imagine she was there with me. I’d trick my body, trick my dick into thinking
she
was doin’ things to it.

A guy learns to jerk off pretty young, figuring out what makes his body feel what it needs to quickly get the release it wants. When you’ve got nothin’ but time though, time where you’re hurting and missing the one person you never want to be without, you learn to find ways to cope.

Getting my body to come was never an issue. I could do that with my eyes closed and just a little spit since lotion was hard to come by in the pen. Getting my
mind
to think it was something other than what it was, that took some practice.

I’d stare at her picture, and, before long, I could see her begin to move in it. She’d be laughing, or smiling, avoiding the camera lens just like she would always avoid looking right at me when she thought I was watching her.

My hand would then suddenly start to feel like hers, touching and moving, making my dick come to life.

I’d tighten my grip and convince myself it was because I was slipping into her, feeling the tight wetness that was a substitute for what I really wanted. I relived every single time I’d every fucked her, replaying the details in my mind.

There was the first time, that was my favorite to relive, in her small bed with the stuffed animals thrown to the floor that weekend her parents went up to the lake and left her home to study for her midterm.

Then, there was the time right after our first big fight, the time she told me to go to hell and never call her again, when she thought I was fuckin’ around on her because I’d broken some plans to hang out at the last minute. Turns out, I was just doing a job for the club to earn some extra cash to buy her a birthday present and didn’t want to tell her why I was bailing.

Once I did, though, she took back all the evil things she’d said and called me by letting me have her for the first time bareback. That was the beginning of the end for me. The second I felt her sweet pussy, skin on skin, without some stupid piece of latex in between, I was done for.

It was like heaven and hell all mixed together.

Heaven, because I still know to this day that nothing will
ever
feel as good as she does. It was also hell, because now that I’d had it, I knew what I’d be missing when I didn’t.

Those pictures were some of the only things that got me through the nights without her. The second I saw her for the first time in the hospital the night I was released, even though she was all covered in sweat and she was more exhausted than I’d ever seen, it was still the most beautiful sight I could ever imagine.

Because she was real.

She was more than just a picture.

Haven’t been able to keep my hands off her since. Maybe that’s my way of reminding myself that it isn’t a fantasy, that it isn’t one of those dreams I had to use as a substitute for her for all those months.

Every single night since, I’ve been holding on to her tight. I needed to feel her skin, to smell her hair, to feel the heat of her body. As long as I could feel those things, I knew it wasn’t just my mind playing tricks on me, and that I wouldn’t wake up in a cold sweat still in my dark cell, having tortured myself with a dream.

She’d cling to me, too, as if needing the same reassurance.

That was, until two nights ago.

I’m not even sure she realizes it, but she inches back now, as if she’s pulling away. Or pushing
me
away. I’m not sure which is worse, which of the two would destroy me more.

“They’re pretty good this year,” I comment on the firework show.

Her chin is angled high, watching the chandeliers of falling lights fade in the sky. Every time one of them bursts open, the light brightens up her face, making her skin look all warm and alive.

Her eyes sparkle like a mirror for the intense array of colors falling down.

It’s breathtaking.

“Yeah. I wonder if they’re gonna do the same big finale at the end as last year? Remember it was like a—” She stops herself mid-sentence and her jaw drops open.

No. I
don’t
remember. Because
I
wasn’t here. She watched them
alone
.

Her mouth snaps shut and I can feel her body tense. “I should go check on Lu. The noise might be upsetting her.”

Before I have a chance to grab around her waist and hold her close, she jumps up and marches toward the house.

There’s a huge cluster of light and loud booms in the night sky as a collection of fireworks are set off at the same time, a sign that the show is coming to an end.

Doesn’t matter. I’m not watching anymore. I’m watching my lady walk away from me. She climbs the three cement steps to the back kitchen entrance, and I can see through the light streaming out of the windows that she lifts her left sleeve to wipe along her face.