Long After (Sometimes Never) (13 page)

25

When You Were Young

Annie

I hold my breath, waiting for Loden to loosen his grip. He has my wrists pinned to the wall on each side of my head. I whimper, hoping he’ll release me, but he squeezes tighter instead. I turn my face away as he screams at me, his voice throbbing. It only turns his anger up another notch. He jerks my arms, pulling me away from the wall just to slam me back against it again. I gasp, not in shock—his actions no longer surprise me—but in response to the pain that pierces the back of my head.

If you asked me
how this happened, how I wound up here, I couldn’t tell you. So please don’t ask. There was not one specific act that landed me in this situation. It was a series of wrong choices and bad decisions.
So many bad decisions
.

I should have walked away at the very first sign—that first time he scared me.
I shouldn’t have ever taken him back. But I thought I could fix this. I thought he was worth it. I thought I was lucky to have him.

Now I’m just numb.

“Tell me,” he spits. His breath is hot against my cheek and I tremble. All I have to do is get through the next six months. Then he’ll be gone, off to law school where maybe he’ll find somebody he finds more fitting to be the future Mrs. Guiles. Because that role is no longer reserved for me. I can’t. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I can’t be his perfect little stepford wife.

“You were with him again, weren’t you?” He presses into me, his firm body tight against mine, holding me in place though I don’t try to get away. I know better than that.

“Did you fuck him?”

No. Cheating is Loden’s job. Not mine.

The first time he hit me was the weekend after we came back from Thanksgiving break. After we had sex for the first time. I went over to Chase’s dorm to meet Heaven. I wanted to see her. I needed to know what she looked like. I needed to see what Chase found so appealing about this girl. Thirty minutes after the initial awkward greetings, I saw it. Not only is she gorgeous in this exotic and quirky way with dark hair and eyes that are striking against her pale skin, but she’s smart and so funny with this subtle humor that I found myself laughing right along with everyone else. And then I got really depressed because even I loved her.

So I went to Loden’s unannounced, hoping he could offer me a little attention, a little praise, a little
something
to make me forget about Chase and the perfect Heaven he found.

But Loden wasn’t alone in his apartment.
There was a girl with him, and I don’t know if I would’ve thought too much about it, but he answered the door shirtless. The girl was even less clothed than that. I don’t even know if she goes to school with us. She looked too young to be in college. I didn’t ask.

I waited for her to dress herself and leave before I freaked out. I was mad and hurt. I’m not sure if the hurt came from finding Loden with someone else or if it was left over from meeting Heaven—a girl I can never compete against—or maybe it was the final straw. I wasn’t good enough for anybody obviously.

I cried. I yelled. I told him I didn’t want to see him ever again and headed for the door. But I didn’t make it. Loden liked being yelled at about as much as he liked being dumped, which wasn’t at all. I felt his hands in my hair before I hit the floor on the other side of the room, and then he was on me. The next thing I felt was the back of his hand. With everything he’d ever done, hitting me had never been on that list. After that, the shock deadened my senses, making the rest seem insignificant.

It’s not insignificant.

He threatened that if I ever tried to leave again, he’d do much worse to me. This wasn’t the perfect life I was promised. This was a failure of a relationship, but I was trapped.

“Answer me,” Loden shouts, bringing me back to the present. God, I wish I could melt away. Sink into the floor, or the wall, or into nothingness.

“You fucking whore,” he hisses. “You let him inside you?” His fingers unwind their vice grip on my wrists and skim down my hair until they find purchase on my neck. My throat. I know I need to say something before he makes it impossible to speak.

“No, Loden,”
I whisper. “No. Only you. I don’t let anybody inside me except you. Just you.”

His eyes
are dark with rage and I have no idea how to ease his anger. All I know is I’m alone. Completely alone. I have no one to turn to. It’s just me and him. I lean my head toward him slowly, so slowly. Carefully. He allows me to touch my lips to his, but he’s unresponsive at first. I slide my tongue over his upper lip before slipping inside. At the first meeting of our tongues—mine warm, his cold from breathing heavy—he groans and kisses me back feverishly.

His hand
s drop from my throat and squeeze my breasts. He thrusts his hips forward and moans.

“Why do you do this to me?” he murmurs, his mouth still against mine. “Why do you make me go crazy?”

It’s my fault. Always my fault.

“Why can’t you just stay away from him?” His hands move a little rougher, his fingers digging a little deeper into my skin. “Can’t you see how much I love you? Can’t you
feel it?
”

Loden pulls back long enough to remove my shirt. He lowers his head to my chest and kisses my bare flesh, pulling my bra ou
t of the way. “Don’t you see? I’d do anything to keep you.”

I hope that isn’t true. I hope and pray he’ll leave and some
other girl can play this game better than I do.

“Tell me you love me,” Loden demands. He lifts his face, his eyes meeting mine, waiting.

I swallow tightly. Of all the lies I’ve ever told, this one is the hardest to pull off. To look at a person I’m only with because I know no other way—someone I loathe with everything in me—and claim I love him is the most difficult thing I’ve done or will ever do.

“I love you,” I say. I guess I convince him, or maybe he doesn’t care it’s a lie. He crashes into me, his mouth seizing mine possessively.

This has become my life. I secretly talk to Chase every night on the phone. The only part of my day I feel good. Free. We see each other once, maybe twice a week. An hour at Manton’s in the middle of the night, or an hour at the gym, or if I’m really lucky, I can manage a couple hours with him at Guy’s apartment under the pretext of seeing my step-brother. But that doesn’t happen often because Loden knows there’s a chance I’ll be around Chase.

And
Loden grills me when he suspects I’ve been anywhere near Chase. If he knew about our nightly phone calls I don’t know what he’d do. If he ever had real proof of the time I spend in Chase’s company…I’m afraid to even consider the possibilities.

Tonight started because I mentioned Guy has a new boyfriend. Something so little and simple.
But I didn’t tell him I was going to see Guy. Stupid me for being happy for my step-brother. Now I’ll have bruises to worry about covering. Because nobody can know.

Just six
more months. I remind myself of this over and over as Loden’s tongue brushes over my skin. I shiver and he mistakes it as desire. And I let him. It’s so much easier that way. Really, I feel nothing except the occasional disgust or fear. I’m dying inside. I know it.

~*~

Sometimes I try to fool myself into thinking Loden’s not entirely bad. There are these rare moments where he’s so gentle and caring that I let my defenses down, just for a little while, and let myself believe that maybe it’ll get better.

Like right now. We’re at a party and he’s holding me against his chest, his hands that hurt me just days ago are now caressing my back tenderly. He whispers sweetly against my ear
, telling me everything he loves about me.

If he could stay like this, we might be able to make it work.
If he stayed like this, maybe I could try to get past everything he’s done to me.

It doesn’t last long because Chase walks in
, trailed by Heaven. My heart races at the sight of him for several reasons. First, looking at Chase does something to my body, making it react to him in ways I’ve never reacted to other guys.

The second reason is from
pure, undiluted fear. If he mentions our nightly conversations or occasional outings, I’m in deep shit.

And the third is jealousy. Plain and simple jealousy because Heaven is
with him once again. The girl has been down every weekend since Thanksgiving. I’d hoped she wouldn’t work out, even though I know she’s perfect for Chase. But I couldn’t help hoping anyway.

I react as they make their way through the door, my body stiffening. My heart slamming against my ribs fiercely. Loden looks down at me and follows my gaze before I have time to look away. His arms tighten around me and now my heart is going crazy inside my chest because I don’t know what he’ll do, but I’m pretty damn sure I’m going to be on the receiving end of whatever move he makes.

It’s not just Chase that Loden has this reaction to. He doesn’t like me around any good-looking guy, but it’s always worse with Chase. I think it’s because he knows. No matter what I tell him, Loden knows I feel something for Chase. Even if I don’t know what that something is, he knows it exists. And he hates it.

Just as quickly as I had the insane thought that this relationship could possibly have a future
outside of pain, it’s gone, replaced with panic. And now I’m berating myself for my stupidity. Why didn’t I ask to stay in? Why didn’t I ask to leave earlier? We were having a nice night. Why didn’t I cut out while it was still going well? Because I wanted to enjoy this rare feeling? Stupid. So stupid.

If we leave now
, I’ll just have to deal with Loden’s accusations. If we stay, I risk the chance of secrets coming out. And then it will be so much worse. I can’t breathe. I close my eyes as the music fills my ears. Loden presses into me, his beer breath invading my nose. I feel like I’m being smothered. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I’m so tired. I’m so weak. I just want to crawl into bed, go to sleep, and never wake up.

“Annie, hey.” My eyes pop open meeting Heaven’s. She looks up at Loden and smiles. “Hi. You must be the boyfriend I
’ve heard so much about.”

I didn’t really mention Loden more than to say I had a boyfriend, so anything she heard didn’t come from me, but neither of us mention
s that to him.

“I’m Heaven,” she continues, “Chase’s girlfriend.”

Loden’s body relaxes visibly. Mine somehow tenses even more. Chase’s girlfriend? I take a step back, trying to hide my reaction to her title.

I have no right to it, but I
feel an overwhelming sense of loss. Of what? I don’t know. But it consumes me until I’m nothing but a shadow, left standing, watching, always on the outside. Always alone. Nothing more than darkness.

26

F.O.D.

Chase

I squeeze between a couple of girls dancing and come to a standstill as Heaven’s words register. Did she call herself my girlfriend? Because I’ve been referring to it as “casually dating.” There’s a difference, right? Like commitment? I haven’t committed myself to her. I’m not seeing anyone else, either, but that doesn’t mean anything. I just ended things with Kayla. Heaven hasn’t been around long enough to be considered my girlfriend.

My gaze flicks to Annie. She doesn’t look at me. She doesn’t look at anyone. Loden grabs my shoulder and it takes every ounce of self-control to not shove him away from me. Annie may have forgiven him
for that shit a few months ago, but I haven’t. And it’s not like he can’t tell I don’t like him. I don’t talk to him anymore and I stay away from the pool during his practices. I can’t stand this dude and he knows it.

“Hey, man,” he slurs. “I haven’t seen you around in awhile.”

Ex-fucking-actly, asshole
.

“I’ve been busy,” I state as I take a step back
out of his reach.

“Doing what?” Loden presses. “Not swimming. I haven’t seen you at the pool in months.”

And then he chuckles as he puts his arm around Annie’s shoulder, drawing her to his side. He gestures at Heaven. “Never mind, man. I get it. If I had that I’d never leave my room either.”

What. The. Fuck. I don’t know who I should be more pissed about. Heaven
, for the way he not only assumed I’m fucking her, but for reducing everything she is to just a piece of ass. Or Annie, for insinuating that she somehow doesn’t equal Heaven’s beauty. For whatever reason, she’s
his
girlfriend and she should never have to listen to him say shit like that. On top of all that, all I can think about is how lucky this bastard is and he doesn’t even realize it.

He doesn’t deserve her. Not even close.

Heaven glances from me to Annie as I try to reign in my temper and come up with something that’s not completely shitty to respond with. Not to spare him. Fuck him. But I don’t want to make Annie feel any worse. So I try to think of a few words I can string together to brush his dumbass remark under the rug.

I have nothing.

“Maybe you should spend more time appreciating what you have and less time worrying about me,” I reply.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Loden asks. He straightens his
stance, trying to stand taller. The gesture doesn’t make him appear bigger. If anything, the way he sways makes him look pathetic.

“Which part didn’t you understand? I’ll say it again, slower this time.”

“What’s your fucking problem, Malloy?”

I smile tightly, ready to thoroughly explain exactly what my problem is, but I catch Annie shaking her head out of the corner of my eye. I sigh, backing off. I don’t need this fight anyway. If Annie’s okay with being treated like dog shit on the bottom of Loden’s shoe, who am I to throw a wrench at it?

“Nothing, man. No problem at all.” I put my hand on Heaven’s back, guiding her forward. “You say and do whatever the hell you want. But I don’t have to stick around for it.” As soon as my back is to him, I realize I shouldn’t have left Annie with him by herself. What if he has a repeat of the last party we ran into each other at?

I start to turn around when
Heaven slips her hand inside mine. “That was…weird,” she says, searching for the right word. I don’t think weird covers it. “What’s wrong with that guy?”

“He’s an asshole when he drinks,” I explain. “He’s kind of an asshole all the time. Just worse when he gets some alcohol in him.”

“Why is Annie with him?” she asks incredulously as she pivots to face me.

That’s a good question. “I have no idea.”

“She’s too good for him,” Heaven says.

I’m in full agreement.

“A cockroach is too good for that guy,” she adds.

Agreed.

And then, “We should go egg his car,” she supplies with a wicked smile.

I like that idea. A lot. “Let’s go.”

~*~

After a quick stop at the store, I park down the street from the house full of partygoers. Heaven and I—two dozen eggs in hand—walk along the sidewalk, looking for Loden’s car. It’s closer to the house than I’d have liked, but it doesn’
t put a stop to our evil plot.

“How do you want to do this?” Heaven asks as she sets her carton on the trunk of a neighboring car.

“I want to throw these eggs at this car. I thought it was a pretty straightforward idea.”

“There could be an alarm—in fact, I’m betting there is. So we’ll have about ten seconds before we’re caught. We need to have a plan of action before we start.”

“Okay,” I say, grinning. “What do you suggest?”

“I’ll stand on one side, you on the other
, that way we can cover as much space as possible.”

“I like it. Keep going.”

“I think we should double-up eggs in each hand in order to make a lot of mess in a little amount of time.”

“Evil genius. I love it.” I open my carton and then look over at her, moving around to the other side of Loden’s BMW. “You’ve done this before, huh?”

She smiles proudly. “Annie’s boyfriend isn’t the first asshole I’ve met.”

Duly noted.
“So you’re an expert.”

“Something like that,” she trills. “By the way,” she adds, eggs in hand. “
As soon as you throw the last egg, run like hell.” And with that, Heaven smacks four eggs into the passenger side door. The headlights flash and the horn honks loudly. I hurry and throw my eggs, watching them splatter in a gooey, yolky explosion.

I move to the front of the car at the same time Heaven moves to the back and we toss more eggs.
Shells shatter against the windshield with a satisfying crack. As soon as I’m out, I look at Heaven who’s wearing a huge smile, and we take off for my car.

I slam the door and shove the key in the ignition as Heaven drops beside me. She’s panting and so am I. “That felt good,” she breathes.

And it did. Throwing eggs at someone’s car shouldn’t be that fun.

I pull around a
parked car and pop a U-turn. I don’t know if we were seen or not, and I don’t care either way, but there’s no way we’re going back to the party. “What do you want to do now?”

She gazes over at me, her eyes trailing over my face.
“Can we go back to the dorms and hang out?”

“Yeah,” I say. “There’s hardly anyone left
, so we won’t have to deal with my roommate.” Thankfully everybody started heading home for Christmas break today. I’m hanging out with Heaven this weekend before going home because her family’s spending the holidays two states away with her grandparents. This is my last night with her for the next three weeks.

“Good,” she replies. “We’ll have some privacy.”

“You want to rent a movie?”

She smiles, but keeps her eyes focused out the window. “I don’t feel like watching a movie.”

“What do you want to do then?”

She arches a brow, a small smirk forming on her lips.

Ah. I grin. Yeah, I could get down with that.

I park close to the building, having my pick of spots in the empty lot.
I take Heaven’s hand as we walk inside. We’re quiet in the elevator as my thoughts wander to Annie. I check the time on my phone. It’s only ten. She doesn’t usually call until midnight. I don’t let myself worry about her. If I don’t get a call, then I’ll worry. I can’t keep torturing myself, always wondering if she’s okay. Not when she insists on staying with that dickhead. But I feel guilty for possibly making shit worse.

And then I egged his car.

Why did I do that? Now that it’s done, I can’t help the panic that rises. What if he hurts her because I pissed him off?

As soon as we get into my room, Heaven pulls me toward the bed. She falls back, dragging me down on top of her. Her lips
press into mine, parting them. Her tongue sweeps into my mouth. She tastes sweet, like some kind of candy. I moan quietly as she works my coat off my shoulders and I fling it off my arms.

I grip the blanket
and kiss her back. Heaven’s hands snake up the back of my shirt, her nails skimming my spine. Propping myself on one elbow, I help her out of her coat and slide my hand down her side, pausing at the hem of her sweater. She takes the next step, sitting up enough to tug it over her head.

Static has strands of hair sticking up in multiple directions and I smile
, smoothing it back into place. She draws me down, her lips working a heated trail along the length of my neck.

My phone rings.

Then it rings again.

I pull back, rolling off of Heaven and onto my side in order to reach my phone. I can feel her eyes on me as I look at the caller ID. And I know it’s a dick move to answer my phone, but it’s Annie.

“Hello?”

Heaven laughs and she doesn’t sound amused. I ignore her because Annie doesn’t respond. I sit up quickly, dropping my feet to the floor. “Annie? What’s wrong?”

“Can you pick me up?” she finally says, her voice low.

“You still at that party?”

She clears her throat and this whimper releases at the end. I shoot off the bed and grab my coat. “Where are you? I’m coming.”

I glance back at Heaven. She’s just now getting her sweater on. She’s not quick enough, so I leave without her.

“Yeah,” Annie utters. “I’m still at the party. Please hurry.”

“I am. I’
m almost to the car. What happened?”

“Nothing—nothing yet. He started freaking out, so I came outside. I don’t want to go home with him. He’s drunk and…” She doesn’t finish the sentence, but she doesn’t have to. I know.

“Did he do anything?”

“No,” she says. “But I didn’t want to take the chance. I haven’t seen him this drunk in a long time.”

“I’m glad you called me,” I tell her. “I’m almost there. Watch for me.”

She sighs with relief. “I am.”

I turn onto the road and stop in front of the house, looking for her. “I’m here. Where you at?”

“I see you.” And then she hangs up. Panic rises in my throat until I see her walking across the street, coming from the opposite direction. I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until she’s sitting beside me, buckling her seatbelt and I finally exhale. My eyes fall over her, checking for any marks that don’t belong.

“You all right?”

She nods, resting her head against the window.

“Can I ask you something?” I say as I stop at the light.

“You can do whatever you want, but that doesn’t mean I’ll answer.”

I rake my fingers through my hair and sigh. “Why are you with him?”

Annie lifts her head and stares at me. I keep my eyes on the road, but I can feel her watching me for several heartbeats.

“It’s better than being alone,” she whispers.

I look at her then, my stomach twisting. Is that really the reason she’s with him? Because she doesn’t want to be alone? If that’s the only reason…shit…I can—I could…

“Is it?” I ask, my voice choked. “Is dealing with this better than being alone?”

She doesn’t answer me. Instead, she turns back to the window and asks, “Where’s your girlfriend?”

Damn it. Heaven. I really don’t know where she is. She probably left pretty pissed off.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” I say.

Annie laughs dryly. “I don’t think she’s aware of this.”

Truth can sting sometimes.

I pull into my parking lot and Annie glances at me. “What are you doing?”

“You’re staying here tonight. Just to be s
afe. You can sleep in Guy and Park’s old room. The guys in there already left for break.”

“I want to sleep in my own bed.”

I pretend like I don’t hear her, shutting off the engine, and getting out of the car. I walk around to the passenger side and open the door for her. She glares up at me, but I pretend to not notice that, too. I’m not taking chances. She can stay here then go home to her mom’s house with Guy tomorrow. A couple weeks away from Loden will do us all some good.

She gets out after a few colorful word choices and one that I’m pretty sure she made up. But she follows me inside. I take the stairs automatically, knowing she doesn’t like the elevator.

“Is Loden still going wherever with his family?”

“Denver, yeah. His family goes every year.”

Good. I open the door and usher Annie inside. “I’ll text Guy and let him know you’re here.”

“Don’t tell him why,” she insists.

“I won’t,” I promise. And then, because I can’t help myself, I add, “If you’re only with Loden because you don’t want to be alone, why don’t you start thinking about replacing him?”