Loneliness (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (7 page)

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help to those God has brought into your life.

• Initiate calls, visits, and contacts, making all the arrangements necessary for providing the practical help you have committed to give.
  
• Initiate the initial provision of help and any ongoing help for the duration of time that such help is needed and/or for the time that you are able to provide it.
  

“Serve one another in love.” (Galatians 5:13)

Since loneliness is common to all of us and can be effectively controlled, it is helpful to closely examine the elements of loneliness in your own life.

Knowledge alone cannot solve the problems loneliness causes, but knowledge coupled with wisdom can be very helpful in limiting the negative effects of loneliness in your life. While loneliness feels like an emotional problem based on unchangeable circumstances, it is actually a perception problem that can lead to emotional problems.

“For the L
ORD
gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” (Proverbs 2:6)

• Loneliness is having ...
  
  • No one to talk to; to spend time with; to reach out and touch
    
  • An empty lounge chair; a half empty bed; an emotionally empty heart
    
  • A phone that never rings; mail that never comes; a doorbell that never chimes
    
  • Time to spare, but no one with time to share
    
  • A gift, but no one to give it to
    
  • A house that is no longer a home
    
  • A meal without fellowship
    
  • A special occasion without a special person
    
  • A car but not a passenger
    
  • A new outfit, but nowhere to go and no one to wear it for
    
• Loneliness is overcome by ...
  
  • Filling a once-empty table with dinner guests
    
  • Not waiting for company but sending out invitations
    
  • Making holidays festive by starting new traditions
    
  • Calling others on the phone
    
  • Mailing cards to family members and acquaintances
    
  • Letting go of grudges and extending forgiveness
    
  • Sharing a meal with a shut-in
    
  • Giving gifts to needy children
    
  • Finding someone to listen to
    
  • Taking the time to visit those in need of company
    

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’” (Matthew 25:37–40)

Q
UESTION: “What are the loneliest times I’ll face now that my mate is gone?”

A
NSWER:
The most emotional times will be holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. But loneliness and grief can come in waves when you least expect it, when you hear a song that was meaningful to you both, or when you see something reminding you of your beloved mate. Expect a period of sadness and grief. Mourning a significant loss is a healthy and natural part of life. It helps bring acceptance of your new reality, which in turn clears the path for you to eventually feel joy.

“[There is] a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:4)

We have all been rejected, and we all long to be accepted. But rather than focusing on fear of rejection, focus on reaching out to others regardless of differences.

Think about it: You respond positively when you find that others are interested in you. When someone genuinely wants to know more about you, doesn’t that warm your heart? You can be like a closed rosebud blossoming into full bloom when you meet someone who sincerely reaches out to you, nurturing you—as with water and fertilizer—caring that you grow to your full potential.

If you want to reach out to others but don’t know where to start, begin with ordinary questions. Your heartfelt interest will build a bridge to further communication. Gradually ease into the questions.

As you talk with someone you don’t know well, you could say, “I’ve never heard you talk about your childhood. Where did you grow up? What was it like living there? What was the most character-building experience of your childhood?” The Bible poetically emphasizes well-spoken words:

“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” (Proverbs 25:11)

The following questions can help you initiate conversations with others.

• Questions about early family life:
  
  • Where were you born and raised? How did you feel about where you lived?
    
  • What kind of work did your mom and dad do?
    
  • What kind of relationship did you have with your father? Your mother?
    
  • Did you have brothers and sisters? Were you emotionally close to them? Where are they now? What do they do? Are you involved in each other’s lives?
    
  • Was there an activity your family enjoyed together when you were growing up?
    
  • What was it
    really
    like for you growing up?
    
  • If you could change anything about your childhood, what would it be?
    
• Questions about school:
  
  • Did you like being a student?
    
  • What did you enjoy/not enjoy about school?
    
  • What do you remember most about school when you were a child?
    
  • Did you have a favorite teacher? What made that teacher special?
    
  • What was your favorite subject in school? Least favorite? Why?
    
  • What extracurricular activities did you enjoy?
    
  • What is your most painful or embarrassing memory from your days in school?
    
• Questions about growing up:
  
  • Who was your childhood hero? Why?
    
  • What did you dream of doing when you grew up? Why?
    
  • Did you have a best friend? Why were you so close?
    
  • Who encouraged you the most in your childhood?
    
  • What was the most significant event in your childhood?
    
  • What was the most fearful time?
    
  • What was something you really hated doing as a child?
    
  • What was your first job?
    
• Questions about life today:
  
  • If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?
    
  • What do you especially enjoy doing in your free time?
    
  • What would be your ideal vacation?
    
  • What skill or talent do you wish you had?
    
  • Who is investing time, concern, and energy into your life right now? How?
    
  • What do you like most about your life today?
    
  • If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?
    
• Questions about spiritual life:
  
  • Do you think God has a purpose for your life?
    
  • How would you describe God?
    
  • Did you attend a church growing up? What was it like?
    
  • Did anything significant occur in your spiritual life when you were young?
    
  • What is the most meaningful experience you’ve had in your spiritual life?
    
  • If you could come into a true relationship with Jesus Christ, would you want to?
    
  • What do you think God wants you to do that you haven’t done yet?
    

Pray that you will be able to ask the right questions at the right time. When you do, you will be amazed at the difference in your relationships with others.

“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” (Proverbs 20:5)

Q
UESTION: “How can I make it through the holidays?”

A
NSWER:
First, commit to rejoice in the blessing of having sweet memories. Then, make plans to be with others on sentimental, special days.

• Be with comforting family or friends.
  
• Reach out to someone in need.
  

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10)

Learn to lean on the Lord in your loneliness. He can and will comfort you. Allow Him to meet your deepest longings and fill you with His love. You do this through prayer and searching for Him in Scripture.

Pray, thanking Him for being the God of all comfort.

Thank you, God, that you
COMFORT
.

“Because of the L
ORD
’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.”
(Lamentations 3:22)

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
(Philippians 4:13)

“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”
(Philippians 4:19)

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”
(Hebrews 8:12)

“‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the L
ORD
, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
(Jeremiah 29:11)

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.”
(Jeremiah 31:3)

“Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”
(Psalm 30:5)

God has not created you and set you adrift in a sea of loneliness. He not only knows the intimate details of your life. He has your best interests foremost in His mind. He is,
“the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.”
(2 Corinthians 1:3)

Can we be
all alone
but
not
feel
alone
?

“[Jesus said] ... You will leave me
all alone
. Yet I am
not alone
, for my Father is with me.”
(John 16:32)

How do you handle the
fear
that no one will be
with you
to
help you
?

“Do not
fear
, for I am
with you
; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and
help you
; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
(Isaiah 41:10)

How does
God
use
families
to help those who are
lonely
?

“
God
sets the
lonely
in
families
.”
(Psalm 68:6)

Should I
look not only
to my
own interests
but
also
to
the interests of others
?

“Each of you should
look not only
to your
own interests
, but
also
to
the interests of others
.”
(Philippians 2:4)

Why is it important to pray for a
friend
who
can help
you
up
?

“If one falls down, his
friend can help
him
up
. But pity the man who falls and has no
one
to help him up!”
(Ecclesiastes 4:10)

What if we aren’t
in the habit
of
meeting together
with other people?

“Let us not give up
meeting together
, as some are
in the habit
of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
(Hebrews 10:25)

Where can I
find rest
and
hope
for
my soul
?

“
Find rest
, O
my soul
, in God alone; my
hope
comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.”
(Psalm 62:5–6)

Has
God
promised to
never leave
me
nor forsake
me?

“The L
ORD
himself goes before you and will be with you; he will
never leave
you
nor forsake
you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
(Deuteronomy 31:8)

How can I
forget the former things
that caused me such pain in the
past
?

“
Forget the former things
; do not dwell on the
past
. See, I am doing a new thing! ... I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”
(Isaiah 43:18–19)

I don’t want to keep
crying
— will my
tears
last forever?

“He will wipe every
tear
from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or
crying
or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
(Revelation 21:4)

NOTES

1. John Haggai,
   How to Win Over Loneliness
   (Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1988), 20.
   
2. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary
   , s.v. “Lonely,” http://www.m-w.com; Don Baker,
   Lord, I’ve Got a Problem
   (Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1988), 13.
   
3. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary
   , s.v. “Lonely.”
   
4. Wilhelm Gesenius and Samuel Prideaux Tregelles,
   Gesenius’ Hebrew and Chaldee Lexicon to the Old Testament Scriptures
   (Bellingham, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc, 2003), 345.
   
5. James Swanson,
   Dictionary of Biblical Languages With Semantic Domains: Greek (New Testament)
   , electronic ed. (Oak Harbor: Logos Research Systems, Inc., 1997), #3670.
   
6. Tim Clinton and Ron Hawkins,
   The Quick Reference Guide to Biblical Counseling
   (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2009), 151.
   
7. Clinton and Hawkins,
   The Quick Reference Guide to Biblical Counseling
   , 151.
   
8. Clinton and Hawkins,
   The Quick Reference Guide to Biblical Counseling
   , 151.
   
9. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary
   , s.v. “Alone.”
   
10. Swanson,
    Dictionary of Biblical Languages With Semantic Domains: Greek (New Testament)
    , electronic ed., #3668.
    
11. Swanson,
    Dictionary of Biblical Languages With Semantic Domains: Greek (New Testament)
    , electronic ed., #963.
    
12. Warren W. Weirsbe,
    Lonely People: Biblical Lessons on Understanding and Overcoming Loneliness
    (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2002), 11–12.
    
13. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary
    , s.v. “Solitude.”
    
14. Tom Varney,
    Loneliness
    , (
    Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1992), 16.
    
15. Varney,
    Loneliness
    ,
    16.
    
16. Varney,
    Loneliness
    ,
    16.
    
17. Paul Tillich as quoted in Mike Nappa,
    The Courage to Be Christian: Entering a Life of Spiritual Passion
    (West Monroe, LA: Howard Publishing, 2001), 137.
    
18. J. Oswald Sanders,
    Facing Loneliness: The Starting Point of a New Journey
    (Grand Rapids: Discovery House, 1990), 23–24.
    
19. Sanders,
    Facing Loneliness
    , 24.
    
20. For this section see Sanders,
    Facing Loneliness
    , 23–25.
    
21. Wiersbe,
    Lonely People
    , 11.
    
22. Wiersbe,
    Lonely People
    , 11.
    
23. See Wiersbe,
    Lonely People
    , 11.
    
24. For this section see Haggai,
    How to Win Over Loneliness
    , 35.
    
25. Stephen S. Ivy,
    The Promise and Pain of Loneliness
    (Nashville: Broadman Press, 1989), 19.
    
26. Gary R Collins, Ph.D.,
    Christian Counseling—A Comprehensive Guide,
    Dallas: Word Publishing, 1988, pp 94–98
    
27. Kerby Anderson, “Loneliness,” Leadership U. (Plano, TX: Faculty Commons, 1993), http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/lonely.html.
    
28. Kerby Anderson, “Loneliness,” Leadership U.
    
29. Kerby Anderson, “Loneliness,” Leadership U.
    
30. Tim Clinton and Ron Hawkins,
    The Quick Reference Guide to Biblical Counseling
    , 151–152, 158.
    
31. Lawrence J. Crabb, Jr.,
    Understanding People: Deep Longings for Relationship
    , Ministry Resources Library (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1987), 15–16; Robert S. McGee,
    The Search for Significance
    , 2nd ed. (Houston, TX: Rapha, 1990), 27–30.