Log 1 Matter | Antimatter (31 page)

It became difficult to breathe, and Marc’s
steadying arm was all that helped Ara to stay upright. She was
shaking and in shock, barely noticing the looks of concern as she
staggered from the suffocating room and ran down to her bedroom,
almost falling down the stairs to get there. She slammed the door
closed and leaned on the inside door. Fourth-Gens were the lowest
Gens, with genes weak but with enough markers to allow them access
to Gen privileges. Why did that come to mind?

A chill frizzed up and down her body,
alternating with flushes of heat. Her ears were buzzing. Ara knew
her blood pressure was up.

Caleb and Meg.

Meg telling them that she wasn’t going to
have Virgo.

Meg telling them she was pregnant.

Ara had connected to the fetus during the
camping trip and now she knew why it was so familiar to her, and
why Caleb and Terzon left so suddenly after that. Had they
exchanged Cupids? The thought made Ara sick, and she couldn’t ask
them. It was personal anyway, not even registered. She thought of
Caleb visiting her and then they fooled around … his desperate hug
on the Seeker—she now had the irrational urge to throw the ranger
at him. And her brooch! At least Meg hadn’t seen it and she knew no
one would tell her of Ara’s most humiliating moment. At least it
was with family. Her mind was a mess.

Ara cried before sinking to the floor.

After several moments, ignoring the soft
knocks, she felt terrible as Mum would be worried about her. She
made her way back, wiping her eyes.

They were talking of their plans.

He and Meg didn’t love each other, but they
would raise the child. Marc and Sacha were both missing from the
room now. Ersen looked frozen while Pen and Terance were visibly
shaken. Pen had sat down, and Terance perched on the arm of the
chair holding her hand. Poor Mum, still shocked over losing her
baby. Meg had gotten all soppy over that, more concerned over her
own baby than Mum. Ara went over to Mum, ignoring Caleb and
Meg.

“Mum, are you okay?”

“Yes, Ara. Are you?”

“I will be. It’s a shock.” She turned and
started yelling but couldn’t stop herself. “A shock that could have
been avoided had someone told us sooner!”

Caleb’s face paled even more and he looked
miserable.

Meg was furious now. “All you think about is
yourself, Ara!”

“Did you think of Mum and all that’s she’s
been through or just yourself and your baby?”

Meg was stunned into silence.

Ara turned back, crying. “I’m sorry,
Mum.”

But Pen stood and cradled her. “It’s alright,
darling. Shhhh.” She stroked Ara’s hair.

Ara kissed her on the cheek, wiping her nose
on her sleeve. “I have to go to my room.”

Dad gave her a bear hug before letting her
leave.

Ara passed Terzon who was looking sick. She
gave him a quick hug. “Hey Terz.”

“Ara. I’m sorry.”

She couldn’t take it anymore, needing to sort
out her own feelings. But when Caleb found her crying in her room
they clung to each other. For a long time they just stood, holding
each other tightly. For the first time she allowed Caleb in, past
her Inner Guardian, unable to bear the pain, and he soothed her
mind. Ara opened her eyes hearing footsteps and saw Sacha, Marc,
and Ersen staring at them with wide eyes and mouths opened.

Sacha screeched out, “How could you! Ara, you
should be yel… Marc, let me GO!”

But Ersen helped Marc to pull Sacha away.

Ara knew that they would never understand why
she pushed through her own pain to support Caleb. How could they
when she didn’t understand it either? All she knew was that every
fiber in her body told her to protect him. Protect. That word took
on new meaning for her.

She had to protect him.

Caleb released her after the initial pain
passed to put something on her desk and she saw it was the box with
the gift. “Marc has the brooch.” His voice held his agony. He went
to her and held her. “I’m sorry … I’m so sorry … Baby.” Caleb’s
fear of loneliness was acute.

As she saw his own fears, his hurt, his sense
of loss, Ara found strength to comfort him. He wanted her to still
offer the brooch, in his mind it was clear that he’d say, “Yes,”
but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. He started crying, feeling
he’d ruined everything that mattered to him.

“Caleb, it’s okay. We’ll be okay.” Within Ara
was a raging war that she did not understand. On one hand she
wanted to give in and yell at him, hurt him like he did her, and
never see him again. On the other hand, she felt deep compassion,
an unfathomable depth of benevolence and wisdom that came from the
ages.

It was only after that Ara realized that
Caleb had crumbled his own barriers and their thoughts were a
jumbled mess. He pulled back, feeling her hand close to his neck,
comforting him. His throat had a lump in it hearing her words,
focusing on something other than the issue.

“Caleb?” she kissed him lightly, seeing his
fears. He didn’t want to resent his baby. “I meant, ‘Monkey’. Your
daughter will be beautiful and I will love her too.”

They hugged again, tightly. They both felt
something break in their love, but they both clung on to what was
left. The worst bit was they didn’t know what to say as they sat on
the end of her bed facing the open door.

“Do you still want to visit the Sable Co?”
His voice was dull, punctuated with sobs.

He sounded so young to her! Ara heard
everything he struggled to say but couldn’t. “Yes, and with you.
Henry said he might see us there.” Why had she waited for the
chain? It had taken over a year. He would have loved what she had
made.

He stood and wiped his eyes. “I should have
told you straight away.”

“I should have asked you to exchange vows
with me sooner. It’s done. Let’s move on.” She smiled for him after
her slightly sharp tone, and they left the room with Caleb
clutching her hand. He looked back at the box, and then at her. But
she couldn’t give it to him because the war that raged inside her
burned fiercely and she fought to find middle ground. Since she did
not know what side would win, she chose to wait. He turned,
shattered, and led her out. Mum and Dad seemed relieved seeing them
like that, while Meg became teary. Ara didn’t care about her, but
worried about the baby. During the week that followed, Ara spent
some time in bed.

She struggled to get out and face the
world.

Meg had already moved out—to her new royal
life.

Ara’s dreams were tearful as well. For a few
days, it just seemed as if she went to sleep crying, dreamed about
crying, and woke with tears in her eyes. One night she dreamed she
was with Trickster but had burst into tears when her eyes opened to
see the hut and Trickster squatting in front of her ready to tell
her something, and she cried the whole time. For a second she was
angry at him but he’d said he was watching over Caleb, not
controlling him. He patted her head, gave her the Strike to cuddle,
and then morphed into a wolf lying on the bed with her. Strangely,
it was comforting to grip the fur and she fell asleep to waken much
stronger.

Korbet contacted her on the second day and
while she was in bed, mostly mumbling, he suggested something that
gave her some hope to calm the raging war inside her. Caleb readily
agreed and they began a special process to heal trust and despair.
In the end it was Terzon who helped them the most. Even so,
everything between Ara and Caleb was still awkward.

The week after their healing/therapy week,
Caleb picked her up and they went to Toga’s Sable Co. office. Sacha
had a few scathing things to say in the morning about how she
wouldn’t be talking to Caleb. How could Ara try to make Sacha see
that somehow she felt Caleb’s pain more than her own? She had tried
almost everything in her wardrobe and, in the end, Ersen came to
help her. Everything was awkward. Caleb didn’t know if he should
put on music. Ara held her hands on her lap not wanting to “paw”
the car. He wanted to visit Sable Co.’s headquarters in the Cradle
but he couldn’t get permission and he kept apologizing to her.
“They are building some new Black Hole Engine for the
Warlords…”

Ara had never heard Caleb speak so much.
After he parked outside the city, they couldn’t get out the vehicle
fast enough, walking briskly but then arriving early having to wait
in the lobby. At least there were large images and diagrams to read
and study.

“Welcome, my lady. Prince Caleb, good to see
you.” The Executive Director greeted them thinking them eager—and
not just keen to be distracted from their pain—so he took them on a
personal tour. “I’m so sorry we couldn’t get you into our head
office, but we have a sable engine being constructed right
now.”

Ara wanted to say something facetious but she
didn’t have the heart. Caleb had told her twice already and he was
so crestfallen her heart ached for him as much as for herself. Ara
unclenched her fists seeing Caleb’s face pale.

“…and over here we have…”

Ara almost ran out but she felt her guard’s
heartbeat. He was close by, comforting. Ara
leaned
on him
and he soothed her. She was feeling a little better after a half
hour and glanced at Caleb as the smartly dressed young executive
led them up several floors to a viewing room. There was even a meal
and drinks for them. Her stomach grumbled loudly but she didn’t
care since she hadn’t eaten for a few days. They filled their
plates and then sat looking down and across the workroom. Caleb’s
plate was as full as hers and now she studied him closely, he was
as gaunt as she was. While they ate, special floating holos moved
around the workroom highlighting, with labels, all the various
activities. “The black hole for this engine, the MonoSable, is
mid-range small.” The details sprung up in front of them. Both he
and Ara read the information until the ED laughed. “I’ll give you a
datacap, we like our pilots to know about their engines.”

Ara leaned back and glanced up at him. “Do
the Black Hole Hunters work from here?” It was the only form of
hunting she and Caleb didn’t argue over.

The ED nodded. “We have six stationed here
permanently but they have to leave for periods of time. I’ve
arranged for you to meet one of the newer hunters. The others are
out at the moment.”

Eric, the new hunter, was happy to talk about
his experiences. The process was a little boring—scan, prepare the
rangers, bag the “hole”, and contain it for calibration, testing,
and to sit in the housing before fitting into a ranger.

“I hear you both have Seekers, I hunted for
one of those Black Holes.”

A. I hope that’s in yours, Monkey

She smiled inanely at Eric.

C. Of course, Baby

They smiled at each other when Eric turned to
the view of the chamber that they kept the Black Hole in, and some
of their pain eased away. Her eyes locked on to his but they broke
the gaze at the same moment. Even in using the affectionate names,
some of the meaning had been lost. Rather than nicknames, they had
become painful terms of endearment, except Ara thought that Caleb
still meant his as a nickname as well as endearment.

Ara’s fears grew. She felt more alone than
ever now that she no longer had Caleb. He kept trying to reach her
but she struggled to make him her friend. She didn’t want him as a
friend, she had wanted to marry him.

***

Ara buried herself in her studies at
university and work at the wildlife park. But she was also training
to get her license for her Seeker. There were theory and practical
components in a simulator, smaller rangers, and then finally her
Seeker. Since she wasn’t allowed to exit the lower atmosphere she
had to wait for her space training. But they still put her through
the theory.

One night, she and Jesran were sitting on the
cliff overlooking the Darina Ocean and eating dinner. Jesran cooked
over a small fire nestled under a ledge where they put their
swags.

“How are the flying lessons?”

She shrugged. “Flying is alright. I’m not
allowed out the atmosphere yet to range. But it’s good otherwise. I
sat in a class learning about rangers and other species.”

He frowned. “We did all that in basic.”

“Yeah, but the Aryan Space Service has a
different perspective.” She paused dramatically. “A Ved’ra ranger
class Hydra comes at you as you prepare to dive into HaV. What do
you do? Drop into HaV, stay and fight, or send out an emergency
call? Everything is danger, dangerous, or will ram you, board you,
or strip you of your belongings.”

Jesran laughed at her. “Sounds … dangerous.
How did you answer that question?”

“I said I would HaV it up to the Cradle and
draw the maggots for the warlords to get them.”

Jesran burst out laughing.

She leaned back but glanced at him. “I still
haven’t been chosen for an apprenticeship yet. What’s wrong with
me?”

Jesran swallowed a spoonful of beans.
“Nothing. Maybe Kavela has some paperwork to do.”

She stared at him until he laughed. She said,
“Caleb was the youngest chosen and he has already finished his
pre-training. While I’m becoming the oldest chosen.” She muttered
darkly, “If Kavela doesn’t change his mind again.” It was easy to
start adding people to her hate list, but for some reason Caleb’s
name never ended up on the list for long, only after an irrational
outburst.

He looked a little uneasy. “I heard he won’t
be ready for another two hundred and thirty years.”

“Two hundred and thirty years!” She put her
plate down and raised her knees to hide her face. “How
humiliating.” Yep, Kavela was on her hate list.

“You’re a Pure-Gen, Ara. So is he. You run
later, I know it’s hard since you are the only PuG to have been
made for a thousand years. At least he’s opening his area of Planet
Engineering and you are his main candidate. I know the idea that
starting your life as an apprentice at over three hundred and
ninety is painful.”