Little Green Men (38 page)

At a certain point in the proceedings, it occurred to Banion that he was seeing more of Jamm on the television set in his cell - he was allowed one - than he was in court. He began to drop hints that since he was paying $475 an hour, it might be nice actually to lay eyes on Jamm every now and then.

One morning Jamm showed up looking exhausted. Banion inquired if he had been up burning the midnight oil, poring over the law books. Not exactly. Jamm yawned. He had stayed up late in order to appear live on the British morning television program
Wakey, Wakey.

*
A glossy magazine devoted to large-breasted women, begun as a color insert in the Atlantic Monthly.

"Why," Banion said, "are you jeopardizing my defense in order to impress people eating bangers in Luton?"

J
amm replied that he was as alert as a falcon soaring above the forest and then proceeded to doze off during the prosecution's admittedly protracted exploration of the viability of Mr. Figg's myocardium.

The next day Jamm was not present in court, leaving the cross-examination of the current cardiologist to one of his assistant attorneys, an attractive redhead thought to inspire lubricious thoughts in male juror number 2, since he kept shifting in his seat whenever she was on display. Jamm was absent for the following three days. Where was he? Banion was unable to get a straightforward answer from the assistant attorneys, other than that he was "tracking down some important leads."

One morning, while waiting for the court to convene, Banion read in the paper that Jasper Jamm had just sold the rights to his story for "seven figures" to Big Pictures, the Hollywood movie studio. Banion wondered what exactly was meant by that "his." He reached Jamm by phone at the Beverly Hills Hotel and suggested that he take the next plane back.

He was not in a receptive mood when Jamm finally showed up the next morning, bleary-eyed and yawning from having caught the redeye. He blandly assured Banion that Ms. Plumm, his deputy, was perfectly competent to handle the cross-examination of the cardiologists and said that his presence in California had been a necessity because "Warren" wanted to meet him before closing the deal.

"Warren?"

"Beatty. He wants to play me in the film." 'Ah," Banion said. 'And who do they have in mind to play me?" "That's one of the things I want to discuss with you after today's session. I'm not at all satisfied with their casting suggestions so far." "Isn't this
my
story? Or am I missing something?"

"I absolutely think that you
should
sell your story. If you want, I'll pursue that when I go back out there tomorrow." "Tomorrow?"

"Nothing much is happening here, just more heart stuff. Warren is giving a dinner. Under the circumstances, I think I should probably be there. Don't you?"

So as the trial moved into its most critical phase, it did Banion good to know that his lawyer's attention was equally divided between keeping him off death row and negotiating with Minnie Driver to play his wife.

It was not going well. The prosecution had managed to make Banion's interview with Dr. Kokolev and Colonel Radik at the UFO convention sound like a meeting of the Committee to Overthrow the U.S. Government. In the general atmosphere of continued hostility between the two countries, trying to halt the launch of a rocket that was also carrying a military payload - what hay the prosecution made of that inconvenient fact - looked downright unpatriotic. One of the jurors was recused for high blood pressure. A week later a paperback entitled
Juror Number Five: Why John Banion Must Fry
appeared under his name; in it he announced his conviction that Banion had been working for the Russians - and aliens - all along. He was invited to share his insights on all the evening news and talk shows.

Morale on Team Banion was not running high. Crowds outside the courtroom held up signs for the cameras saying
traitor
! For the First time, it dawned on Banion that the day might in fact dawn when the prison barber appeared in his cell to shave a contact spot onto the top of his head. He found himself musing on famous last lines of people who had been handed the traditional blindfold and cigarette, and even began rehearsing a few of his own.

When one night, musing on these pleasant thoughts, he looked up at the TV bolted to the wall and saw the debut of a new late-night legal affairs program called
The Offense Never Rests - With Host Jasper Jamm,
he wondered if it wasn't perhaps time for a change in legal representation.

"Mr. Banion," the judge said in chambers, "there is an axiom of the law that says -"

'"He who defends himself has a fool for a client.' Yes, Your Honor, I am aware of it. But there is another axiom." "What is that?"

'"He who pays himself four hundred seventy-five dollars an hour will soon be rich.'"

"Very well," the judge said.

On his first day as his own counsel, Banion called Roz as a witness. There was only one problem: Roz had vanished without trace. All he could do was put himself on the stand and describe the night she had betrayed him. After that, she became known in the tabloid press as the "Missing Macaroni Woman."

He called the ex-president. This took some doing, since the former president was in the midst of motions preparing for his own trial. But Banion's old nemesis seemed to be in an agreeable frame of mind when he arrived to be interrogated one last time by his old nemesis.

"Mr. President," Banion said, "thank you for being with us this morning."

"My pleasure."

"I know you're busy, so let me get right to it. Does the name MJ-Twelve. or Majestic Twelve, mean anything to you?"

"It's a lubricant, isn't it? You spray it on squeaky hinges."

"Now, Mr. President, you do recall that I came to yo
u in the Oval
Office and informed you that there was a secret agency within the government -"

"Oh,
that."
The ex-president smiled at the jury. "The one that launches UFO's and abducts people?"

"The same. The one that Mr. Scrubbs worked for -"

"Objection."

"Sustained."

"Your Honor."

"Proceed, Mr. Banion."

"And what did you do after I informed you of its existence?"

"Nothing."

"Well, isn't that a bit strange -"

"Objection."

"Sustained."

"Honestly. All right, I will rephrase that. Why didn't you do anything?"

"For two reasons. First, 1 assumed since 1 was president, I'd have heard of such an agency if it existed. And second, by that point I was personally convinced that you were working for the Russians, so -"

"Objection." Banion said.

"Overruled."

"Your Honor -"

"The witness may answer the question." "Your Honor,
really."

"Mr. Banion, this is not your talk show. This is a court of law. If you persist in this unproductive way, I will appoint a lawyer for you. You may continue, Mr. President."

"Thank you. I thought you were working for the Russians. Under those circumstances, I wouldn't have divulged any national security information to you."

"And what made you think I was working for the Russians?"

The president smiled. "Because, Jack, you were trying to stop the launch of an American space vehicle carrying a military payload specifically designed to assist in the defense of our country, which was then, as it is now, facing a serious external threat from Russia. To be honest, I didn't believe you when you said you were doing it because aliens had instructed you to." He turned to the jury. "Not that I don't keep an open mind on these things."

"Well" - Banion sighed - "you're wrong -"

"Objection."

"Oh, shut up."

"Mr. Banion!"

"But I have to say, I see your point, Mr. President. I have no further questions."

"We're joined now by our chief legal analyst, Jeffrey Toobin. Jeff, how does it look to you?"

"Peter, if
1
were Jack Banion, I would be seriously considering trying to negotiate an eleventh-hour plea bargain. But it may be too late for that. I think the prosecution's biggest challenge at this point is trying not to appear overconfident."

"Why wasn't Mr. Banion allowed to inform the jury that the former president is himself about to be tried for conspiracy to commit reckless endangerment in the
Celeste
case?"

"Under American law, Peter, juries are not allowed to have relevant information like that. That's why, for instance, if you're being tried for murder, it's not relevant that you've previously killed twenty people. Under our system, the more ignorant the jury, the better. This is either the great strength of our system or a mind-boggling defect, depending on your point of view."

"Jeff Toobin. We will of course be providing continuing coverage of the Banion trial in the days ahead as the case prepares to go to the jury
..."

Banion was in the prison library working on his closing statement when a guard notified him that he had a visitor.

"Who is it?"

"Reporter."

"I'm not giving interviews," Banion said. "From
Cosmopolitan
magazine." Banion started.
"Cosmos
politan
magazine?" "Whatever. Fifteen minutes."

The person sitting on the other side of the glass partition was not immediately recognizable. She had dyed her hair jet black, and the clothes, to the extent they made any statement at all, announced "Frump." A dazzling creature had managed to turn herself into something you might find waiting on a bench in a bus station.

They both picked up the phones on either side of the partition.

"Is this my conjugal visit?" Banion said. "It's going to be tricky, with this glass between us."

"Hello, Jack."

"Nice outfit. You might want to rethink the hair." "You okay?"

"Oh fine. About to be found guilty of treason. Because I couldn't locate a key witness. How are things with you?" "I wanted to help, but I couldn't."

"Right."

"Testifying wouldn't have done any good. They'd have discredited me."

"The same way they did me? 'John couldn't have sex unless he dressed up like a Martian.' Thanks so much. It's fun being made out to be a pervert."

"I tried to stop that."

"Stop
who!"

"MJ-One."

"Look, I have Fifteen minutes. I don't have time for Twenty Questions."

Roz spoke in a whisper. "I was in MJ-Eight - Publications - editing
Cosmos.
After your second unauthorized abduction. I received a Pri-One - Priority One - message, right from the top. I was brought to Washington to meet with MJ-One. My instructions were to get close to you. Observe, defuse, at least control the situation. Then things got complicated."

"You mean, we almost had sex on the floor."

"Jack, they blew up
Celeste."

Banion leaned in to the glass. "Why?"

"You and Scrubbs went to the president and told him about Majestic."

"How did you know that?"

"Because he tried to call us on the hot line, from the Oval Office."

"He did?"

"Yes. After that, he had to go. He couldn't be allowed a second term to go poking around. He'd have found us, sooner or later."

"So you
...
blew up the rocket? To make him look like an asshole?"

Roz nodded. 'And organized the leaks about moving up the launch date to before the election."

"MJ-Twelve could do that?"

"Sure. We have assets all through NASA. In every agency of the government. You really have to, to run an outfit like this one."

"Why are you telling me this now? To make me feel better about going to the electric chair?"

"I'm trying to help."

"Well help harder. Who's MJ-One?"

"You know him. He's actually a fan of yours, but he's not about to let that get in the way of the job." "Roz - who
is
it?"

She said in a rangy accent,
'"Jack, you bring this majestic young lady to see me sometime,you hear?'"

"Mentallius?"

"Who better than the chairman of the Senate Hindsight Committee? That's how they set it up back in nineteen forty-seven. The idea was to ensure continuous funding. Put in charge the one senator all the other senators are scared to death of. Are they going to complain when he attaches a rider to some agriculture program? Not if he has the power to veto their pork without even giving a reason. He's only the second MJ-One in the agency's history. He's been running it for over thirty years. And he's
good.
He brought it into the modern era, upgraded all the equipment. The stuff they used to use was like out of bad sci-fi movies. He set up the abductions program. Area Fifty-one -his baby. Now he's old. and some of the others, especially in MJ-Two, have been trying to move him out, but he can't be budged. He loves it. It's what he lives for."