Life's Perfect Plan (The Life Series) (21 page)

Me: Had the best morning. I got to hold the boys, and my milk came in. They’ll have their first official meal shortly
.

I pull my legs up on the ottoman and slowly start to rock myself. Shortly I receive Jacob’s text.

Jacob: Baby, I am so happy for you. I wish I was there with you to see your beautiful smile. I’ll call you when I can come by and see you. I love you. XO to the boys for me
.

I send the picture to my parents, Ethan, Kate, Ella, Cole and Anna: Introducing Grant, Evan and Cole Thomas. I’m officially a mommy!

One after one I get a text back. They all can’t wait to see them. I can’t wait for my little guys to know how much they are loved. Once the texts stop, I lay my head back listening to the beeping noises of the boy’s monitors. I stare out the window and think. Realization hits me so hard in the chest. I close my eyes harder trying to control my breathing. My palms are sweating, I can feel the pulse in my temple pulsate harder. Reality just threw me a curve ball. How the hell am I going to do this once I leave this place? It’s easy right now. I have nurses to help me, there are machines that are feeding them, beds to keep them warm, and machines letting me know if they stop breathing. How can I do this once I leave this place?

I silently talk to myself
. Get a grip Elizabeth, its only day 2. Things will get easier
. I wipe my palms on my gown. Gradually I start to rock myself, taking in slow deep breaths, and focus on my new plan. It is crazy how one moment I was with family and friends having a beautiful baby shower and then the next I’m having one of the scariest events take over me. I should still be pregnant, at home packing and preparing for these little guys’ arrivals. I shouldn’t be sitting here … well I shouldn’t be a widow at 30 either.

What in the hell do you do when higher power, the universe or LIFE totally fucks up your life plan? My life plan was going the way it should’ve been going. Going down the list and checking it off as I accomplished each life goal. Now, I sit here in this plastic rocking chair staring out the window looking out over the city. A city filled with people who will start to wake up and get on with their daily lives. I sit here in this chair and have no idea when my life will restart. All I hear are the monitors’ beep and the alarms that go off. Wavy lines go in zigzag motions, lines on the screen that I have no idea what they mean. I listen as the nurses speak in whisper tones.

All I can do is just stare out the window and think back of how my life plan got so off track just seven months ago. Seven months ago my life came to a screeching halt, my world, my life, my soul, and my heart all disappeared in an instant. Then life hands me three reasons to hang onto hope. Three reasons that I need to wake up, put on my big girl panties, and start a new life plan. I gaze out the window, thinking of what the hell am I going to do. The nurse’s whispers become louder. Then, I feel a slight rub on my shoulder, as I turn around I see Ella, my best friend, my rock.

“What are you doing here this early? How did you get past the nurses’ station?” I say.

Ella responds, “I called up to your room and then I called the nurses’ station. They said you’ve been in here since five a.m. Nora and I have bonded … she snuck me in. I decided I would come see if you needed anything before I went into work. You alright?”

“Ella, I need a new plan, and I have no idea how to go about it?” She looks around the room at my boys.

“Honey, with what you have, you can’t have a plan. All you can do is live each day to the fullest and do your best. Day by day, moment by moment is how you will live your new life.”

“Ella, I am so scared, literally scarred shitless. Look at all of this” as I wave my hand and guide her to what I am staring at. “I have no clue what to do. This was nowhere near my plan. You don’t even have three children so how in the hell am I going to raise three?”

“Beth, if you can handle one you can handle a hundred. It’s the same with each no matter what.”

I sit in the chair, I find myself rocking harder with agitation, when I feel someone pull the back of the chair as their way of telling me to slow down. I look up and see Nora. “Beth, your nurse just called and said that Dr. Alexander is on his way up to your room to check on you.”

“Thanks, Nora. Will you call me if you need me?”

“Of course, dear” she whispers quietly back to me.

Ella helps me out of the chair. She grabs my right elbow. She helps me walk, or more so watches me shuffle in my bright green socks with the rubber stickers on the bottom. We walk down the hall, and all I can think is how depressing hospitals are. No matter the occasion, it has such a sad feel to it. We enter the elevator, and I can tell she wants to say something, but doesn’t have the heart. I nudge her hip, “alright spill it, what is on your mind?’

“Seeing you with your babies, it kinda makes me want to have another, who knows maybe try for a boy. Do you think I’m crazy?”

“Ella, hello you’re talking to crazy. I think that is wonderful news.” I wrap my arm around her waist and lean my head against her shoulder. “We seriously know how to put the FUN in dysfunctional, huh?”

My babies are three days old, and doing well for their gestation. Evan has had a few apnea setbacks, but it’s to be expected. I’m progressing well in my recovery. I’m not letting this surgery hold me down. I need to be there for my sons.

Today is my discharge day, a day that I have been dreading. I really do not want to go home to the house that Grant and I planned on bringing our babies home. Except that I will be the only one going home. Jacob and my relationship has been a revolving door these past few days. I barely see him and when I do it is when he is sleeping in my bed. He hasn’t been to the house either. He says it feels strange to be there alone without me. He’s working non-stop, not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I’ve packed my bag. Dressed in one of my maternity dresses, I can’t believe how big I really was. It’s really nice to be able to see my toes again. I am sitting here waiting for Jacob to come and discharge me. Twenty minutes later Jacob is walking in the door.

“Hey, beautiful, how are you doing?” He says as he walks over and gives me a kiss. He sits next to me on the small love seat and grabs my hands. He has a devilish smile on his face and his eyes are glistening.

“What gives, Jacob? What are you hiding behind that smile of yours?”

He leans over and gives me an incredible kiss. He pulls back and places the manila folder on the side table.

“I have good news, then I have great news. What order do you want it?” He tilts his head and smiles. I give him the goofiest laugh because he looks like a child on Christmas morning.

“Alright, give it to me any way you want.” I say as I wiggle my eyebrows at him.

“Baby, the good news is I’m not discharging you. I’m going to keep you here for three more days. Because …” he opens the manila folder and places it in my lap. “These are our closing papers.”

My jaw drops to the floor. We weren’t supposed to close for another three weeks. I scan through the papers and everything is legit.

“Babe, how did you pull this off so fast, we just saw the house less than a week ago? The sellers weren’t ready to move so quickly.”

“Money does a lot of talking. I gave them a few thousand more on their asking price to be moved out in 48 hours. I told them we had a family emergency and we needed the house as soon as possible. They agreed all we do is sign and we have a house to bring the boys home too.”

“How much is a few thousand, Jacob?” As I look at him and I know that I am slowly becoming his buzz kill. I grab his hand and with my thumb I start to rub his knuckles.

“Baby, it’s not a big deal, we need this house. I know how you feel about going back to your house. This had to be done.”

I squeeze his hand and whisper “How much more?”

With his clouded blue eyes looking at the floor his quietly mumbles. “Twenty five thousand.”

I gasp and throw the folder on the floor. The house was so over budget as it was and he goes and throws in another twenty five thousand. My breathing starts to quicken. I feel hot all of a sudden.

“Baby, you are so pale, calm down, please. Let me explain.”

“Please, explain Jacob. Because I want to know how in the hell are we going to afford a mortgage on that kind of house when you threw away an extra twenty five thousand out the window. Our budget was for your salary, adding an extra twenty five thousand goes over our budget. I don’t want to go back to work right away. I want to stay home and raise my children. With our mortgage and my loans I will have to go back to work. God Dammit, Jacob, why didn’t you think of talking to me about this?”

“Baby, you don’t need to go back to work. I will take care of you and everything else. I have the money for this. I should have told you … I have more money than you originally thought.

He pulls me into him and now I am leaning across his chest and my head is under her chin. He pushes my hair behind my ear and traces my jaw line with his thumb.

“Baby, my mother left me a trust fund. Her parents left her a massive amount of money when they died. She had no use for it so she left it in a trust fund for us. I was granted half at eighteen and the other half at twenty five. Let’s just say that this fund paid for all my schooling and I am still in good hands. Then when Rebecca died I was received her life insurance. We are financially well off, Baby. You can stay home with the boys for as long as you want. I promise you that I’ll take care of you and I mean it. No worries from you. I have this covered.”

I pull myself off his chest and grab his face with my hands. I quietly say, “Jacob, I do worry. I have so much to worry about now. We’re still newly dating and rushing into so much at a rapid speed. I worry that once we finally get comfortable, you won’t want this life that has been thrown at your feet. You have no commitments here. You can walk away whenever you want. I worry about this, hell it consumes me. I’m scared out of my fucking mind.” I barely get the last sentence out before my voice cracks and I start to cry. Jacob scoops me up into his arms, careful of my incision.

He kisses the corner of my mouth, and then softly kisses my lips. He looks into my eyes, as if they were windows to my soul. I look away, as his gaze into me sets my body of fire
. God, I truly love this man.
“Elizabeth, look at me.”

I melt looking into those clear blue turquoise eyes of his. “I love you more than life itself. I love our boys more than life, more than my own life. I swear to you that I will take care of you. If you want I will write a contract stating that if anything does happen in our relationship you will be granted the house, all yours no questions asked. I am telling you I’m not going anywhere. You and the boys have me for life.”

“You said our … our boys?”

“Baby, they are our boys. I consider them my sons. I’ve been there since the beginning. Is it alright if I think of them as my sons?”

“I just didn’t think you felt like that. These boys are a massive responsibility. Are you really up to being a dad?”

“Baby, I want nothing more than to be a dad, to be a dad to our sons.”

“I love you, Jacob.”

“I love you so damn much. I promise you will be so very happy.”

“Now hand me those papers, I want to sign so we have a home to bring our boys home to.”

He kisses me with such force that I feel lightheaded by his kiss. He cradles me in his arms, where I feel safe and content. I feel his love pour out of him and into me with the ferocity of his kiss. He looks at me and whispers, “Forever baby, you’re mine forever.”

I look into his beautiful eyes and smile.

The next three days staying in the hospital were busy to say the least. Jacob finally got to hold the boys. What an amazing sight to see this big man, hold these tiny babies in his arm. It was so touching and heartwarming to see his love pour out for these tiny little human beings. He honestly does love my boys. To see him talk to them, and kiss them, was a moment that will be forever engrained in my memory. He helped me give the boys a bath, he praised me when I finally got to nurse them, and he even changed a few diapers. To see him go from Jacob to dad was mind boggling. He made the transformation so much more lucid than I did. I had months to plan, and I didn’t transition as easily as he did. My favorite time with him and the boys would be when we sat together. We got to hold the boys in the “kangaroo style” where the boys were skin to skin. Jacob would take two babies and they would be placed on his golden soft skin. Then he and the boys would be wrapped up in a blanket. I would have the other baby skin to skin and wrapped up. Jacob and I would sit in the rocking chairs side by side and quietly talk or even nap. It was the most relaxing and emotional part of my days, still I loved to look forward to that time together.

Grant, Evan, and Cole were developing well for being a few weeks early. Days were long with them in the hospital, but I had great nurses who were teaching me everything I needed to know about preemies. When I wasn’t with them in their room, I was either in the pump room expressing milk for them or in the cafeteria reading, sending pictures and emails to family about the babies’ development, and trying to see Jacob here and there. The hospital was my new home for now.