Lifer (25 page)

And Maston knew all along. My face heats as I replay the foolish hopes and dreams I’d shared when he allowed me special privileges working in the outer control room. He took an interest in me. I thought I mattered to the head Naut, but when it came down to me wanting to expose his secret, he wiped me.

As far as everyone on that ship is concerned I’m dead. Do they still mourn me?

How could they explain the lack of a body? Mother wouldn’t be placated with near-truths.

Hope sparks. Maybe she’s searching for me.

We talked often about being planet-side one day, of the garden she’d grow. I miss her, but at the same time fear twists everything. Shame burns my skin. What will she think when she knows I walked away?

Davyd knows already.

My brother’s betrayal stabs deep. We always competed. In the training rooms, working for Maston, impressing girls—at least until I fell for Asher—but I never considered he’d want me gone. I cover my head with the pillow, but it doesn’t help. The memories crowd my brain. I can’t escape my actions. I long for black oblivion to return.

But I can do something about it. Keane will believe me if I find the ship.

Energized, I sit up and really look around properly for the first time. The bed I’m on is in the middle of a small room without windows, so it must be somewhere in the center of the Station. There’s a lone door; only one way out.

At the end of the bed there’s a small white table with a tray. Food. I choke down half a plain roll. My throat aches with every swallow but I need energy if I’m going to find the ship. The bed’s damp from the spilt water and so is the hospital gown I’m wearing.

Someone stripped me of my soiled clothes after the procedure. Heat flushes my cheeks. Sure I had probes in my brain, but no one likes to wet themselves. Did they tell Megs? Her opinion shouldn’t matter anymore. But knowing about Asher doesn’t change what I feel for Megs. Just makes it a whole lot more screwed up.

Other than the table, the room is bare. There are no clothes, nothing I could use as a weapon. I hold no illusion that they’re going to let me walk out of here. I don’t even know if I can walk.

I stretch my rubbery legs out, testing my muscles’ response, and then swing them off the side of the bed to touch the cold linoleum floor. I haul myself upright. They take my weight.

For a second.

I grab at the bed but the blackness beats me and I clutch air.

***

Megs is back when I next open my eyes. “They found you on the floor.”

I shrug. “Happens.”

“Were you trying to leave?”

There’s concern in her voice but whether it’s for me, or at the possibility of me somehow betraying her little rebellion, I can’t tell.

“I wasn’t going to the Company, if that’s what you’re asking.”

She looks down at her hands. “Who are you?”

Blank
.

The answer I want to say to this girl isn’t the truth anymore. Part of me wishes I’d never let Keane go ahead with the procedure—or even better, he’d tried and failed. Without the brain damage. I could have made a life here as Blank, with Megs.

And leave everyone I grew up with trapped forever?

It’s too late for the might-have-beens. The procedure worked and I’ll live with the knowledge of what I’ve done, the memories that make me unworthy of breathing the same air as this girl.

“Keane told you the story of the boy who thinks he’s a spaceman?” I ignore the way she flinches at the edge in my voice. My priority is warning those left behind on the Pelican, I owe them that much.

“I’m asking you.”

How can I refuse? I take a deep breath.

“My name is Samuai.”

…
and I have a girlfriend
.

But the words go unsaid. I don’t want to hurt her more. If I never find the ship, if all I think I remember is a figment of my imagination, then I would be causing her unnecessary pain.

A smile teases her pale pink lips. “Samuai.” Her accent stretches the last syllable. “It’s a good name.”

Of all the people here at the Station, she’s the closest I have to an ally. I can’t afford to alienate her.

“Somewhere underneath this city there’s a spaceship with my mother and my brother and I will not rest until I find them.”

“You think the Company’s responsible?”

“Yes.”

“Seems we have a common enemy.”

I nod. “Once I’ve freed the people on board the Pelican, the Company will pay for what it did to my brain.”

“In that case, you might need these.” She reaches down to the floor and picks up a pile of clothes I recognize. I take the jeans and t-shirt.

“Thanks.”

“Need any help putting them on?” she asks with an arched brow.

I crave the touch of her hands on my skin but I know she’s only teasing. And there’s my feelings for Asher. “I’ll manage.”

She doesn’t ask me any more questions about the ship. We talk about Janic, who hasn’t shown any signs of improving enough to wake from his Q-coma. She turns away while I dress.

Aware of Megs waiting, I move quickly, stripping off the gown, disconnecting the IV at the port, and slipping the dark green t-shirt over my head. Next are the jeans. It’s while dragging them up that I notice my leg. It’s almost healed. The only sign I had a deep, weeping burn there a few days ago is a pinkish discoloration of the skin.

I clear my throat. I’m happy to be sitting on the edge of the bed across from her, not the invalid I was a few minutes ago.

She turns with a grin. “I promise I didn’t peek.”

“My leg’s better.”

She doesn’t look as surprised as she should. “I heard.”

“Heard?”

“Keane might have mentioned something about it.”

“I’m guessing the cream isn’t magic.”

“No.” She presses her lips together like she doesn’t know whether to continue. Her fingers go to the long strands of purple hair, something she does when she’s unsettled about something. “Combined with the Q resistance, there’s some odd stuff happening in you.”

And Keane talked about it.

I think about the questions I posed for them, how much stronger they’d be if they could be safe from Company officers wielding Qs, and then the drip in my arm and the two days I was in and out of consciousness makes sense.

Stomach tight, I search my arm. Next to where the drip went in there’s the fine mark of a needle in my skin. I close my eyes.

“Did they take my blood?” I keep my tone level.

She’s silent.

“Not just blood then. Other samples too?” My voice rises but it’s nothing compared to the hot rush of anger inside me.

“I don’t know anything for sure. I was with Janic and I heard him talking with Charley. I’m sure he was going to tell you about it.”

“He had plenty of opportunity to tell me when I first woke up. Or he could’ve waited to ask my permission. Strange concept I know.” I rub at my arm where there’s the faintest spot from the needle. Just another violation. I’m so damn tired of being someone’s experiment. Keane’s made no secret of where I rank compared to his people but to take samples? “Sounds like something the Company would do.”

Her head snaps up. “You can’t compare Keane and Charley to the Company. They’ve saved people’s lives and given you back your memories.”

“Yeah, great.”

“It’s what you wanted.”

I can’t argue, but the tentative truce we’d reached strains. I look at the door, hoping she’ll leave, or a change the subject from her allies taking pieces of my body without permission will come up.

It’s hard to think around Megs. Every thought twists and changes because of my feelings, because of the crazy need to impress her and mostly by wanting to touch her.

My hands grip the edge of the bed and I rest my feet square on the floor. “Help?”

When she moves beside me I inhale her Megs-scent. It gives me the strength to stand. Her strong hand in mine helps me balance. I don’t want to end up with my butt on the floor in front of her. The first few steps I take might as well be on plastic legs. As sensation returns I’m able to walk alone.

“You’re doing it.” She claps her hands together like I’ve accomplished some brilliant achievement.

“It’s just a few steps.” I sink back onto the bed, the rubbery feeling in my legs gone.

“It’s a good start.”

The silence descends again. I’m fixated on the samples Keane took. Less now on what he did—I understand it, as much as I hate it—but on what he might find out from them. My hand drops to where the burn was and I press hard. It doesn’t hurt at all.

Bang.

We’re both on our feet and heading toward the door where the sound came from in an instant.

“What was that?” It’s the first time I’ve heard anything from outside.

“I don’t know.” Megs opens the door and peers into the hallway.

With my superior height I’m able to look over her head and see two green robes running past. They have Qs drawn and ready. They head toward a barred door at the end of the hallway. Or at least I think it’s barred. A woman stands close, with her back to us, guarding my door. She hesitates and then runs off to join the others.

Megs backs away from the door and closes it behind her. She frowns.

“Are there cells down there?” I ask with my hand on the doorknob. She hesitates. “I saw the bars.”

She nods and places her hand over mine. “It sounded like an explosion.”

Her touch sends warmth up my arm. I’d like to think she’s looking for comfort but I suspect she doesn’t want me opening the door again. Several boots clomp at a run in that direction. “Maybe someone broke out. Holding many prisoners?”

“Just one.”

“Eliza.”

I shrug off her hand and drag the door open in time to hear an older woman call out from behind the bars, “She’s gone.”

The woman who helped mess with my brain and then tried to kill me has escaped the holding cells. I press my hands hard to my eyes, trying to stay on my feet. This feels important.

“I have to get out of here. What did she know?”

“They questioned her but she maintained her innocence.” Megs’ hand on my shoulder pleads for me to stay more than restrains me.

My aching head struggles to finish my train of thought. Eliza could be speaking to the other Company officers right now. “Does she know I have my memories back?”

“I don’t know. We’ll find Keane, talk to him.”

If she knows I remember about the spaceship, then I’m in danger, the station’s in danger, and everyone I grew up with is in danger. So many lies, so many people used and misled, so many killed.

I tense my muscles, take a breath, and rip the end of the IV from my arm. The sting’s nothing compared to the pain inside me. I step out into the hallway, leaving Megs and my sickroom behind.

“Where are you going?” Megs asks. She’s jogging to keep up. “Stop him,” she calls from behind me.

I don’t break stride. “You promised I could leave when I want. Now’s the time.”

The woman who was supposed to guard me rounds the corner at a run. Allowing the collision gives me the opportunity I need. I knock her to the ground and she scrambles to stand.

The Q she held is in my hand before she makes a threat. The green marks on my fingers tell me she tried to use it. I laugh. “Too bad.”

Operating on guesswork I head downstairs, toward the garage we left the day we went to the mountain. The Q’s light in my hand and my legs operate as they should.

Two sentries stand at the garage door. “You’re not allowed here, Blank.”

“The name’s Samuai, and I’m not in the mood to ask nicely.” I wave the weapon in my hand and both of them pale. “I’ll use it.”

But they’re Keane’s people and I know they won’t back down easily.

I stop out of arm’s reach, aware of Megs behind me. “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“Stop him.”

This time the voice is Keane’s. He’s shouting from the floor above.

The woman sentry raises her weapon. “Keane said stop.”

“Don’t bother,” I snarl. “It won’t work. Thanks to the Company’s special breeding program.”

“He’s telling the truth.” Keane catches up.

I’m surrounded. But I feel no fear. I turn to face the man who created this hell in my mind when his experiment worked. “You’re not having a great run with captives today. I have somewhere I need to be.”

Keane shakes his head. “I can’t let you walk out of here. What if you report straight to the Company?”

“Like Eliza? The woman you didn’t believe could be a threat?”

Red tugs at the edge of my vision like an oncoming wave. I move toward the sentries. They stand aside.

My hand’s on the door. All I have to do is get to a bike and I’ll be on my way.

Keane’s hand comes down on my shoulder. “Wait.”

“Or what?”

“I don’t think your rapid healing will help much if I slit your throat.” The glint on the blade in his hand penetrates the anger buzzing in my brain and sends a stab of fear into my gut.

“If you don’t let me go, I guess I’m going to find out.”

“You’re serious?”

“If Eliza warns the Company and something happens to those people because of me—”

My throat closing with emotion prevents me from finishing the sentence. When I turn to face him, his eyes reflect the guilt I feel inside. I’m responsible for the people I left back on the ship, like he is for his people here.

“You don’t have any proof. It could take months to find anything if it even exists.” He’s trying to be reasonable, I hear it in his voice.

But it’s far too late for reasonable. “I have my memories. I know there are people being held captive by the Company.” I pause heavily. “Your enemy. I’ll find them no matter how long it takes.”

“Then what?” The question comes from Megs.

“We’ll be united against the Company.” The lie rolls off my tongue. Now’s not the time to explain about the divide between Fishies and Lifers. When the people on the ship learn how they’ve been tricked, it will change everything.

Like we always hoped.

Keane rubs his head with the heels of his hands. The right one still grips the knife. “What do you want from us?”

“Intelligence.”

“We’ve done what we can for your brain, Sam.” There’s a hint of a smile on Keane’s face.