Life and Soul of the Party (28 page)

I took a deep breath, rang the doorbell and waited. I heard the sound of footsteps hurriedly making their way across bare floorboards and then Hannah opened the door.

She looked just as pretty as I remembered her. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail and she was wearing a blue striped top and jeans. She didn’t look like a woman with a young baby at all. She looked like me when I was her age.

‘Hi,’ I said, unsure of what I wanted or was going to say. ‘I’m really sorry if I’ve disturbed you, Hannah, and I know this must seem really odd but—’

‘Really, Melissa, it’s okay. I’m glad you’re here. Please come in.’

I followed her through the hall towards the front sitting room. The inside had been freshly decorated too and the sitting room was barely recognisable.

‘Looks like you’ve done a lot of work here.’ I took a seat in a red velvet armchair next to the fireplace. ‘It looks amazing.’

‘Paul did most of it,’ replied Hannah, sitting opposite me. ‘When I moved in he said it was a good excuse to do all the things he’d always been meaning to.’

‘Well, he did a good job. But now you’re moving?’

Hannah nodded. ‘I thought I’d be all right here on my own. I thought it would be good for Bethany to be here. But . . . there are just too many memories. Everywhere I go. Everywhere I look.’ She looked directly at me. ‘There are times when I’m sitting here and I look at the clock on the wall and I find myself thinking – just for a fraction of a second – Paul will be home in a while, I’ll start cooking supper. And I’m almost up and into the kitchen before I remember that he isn’t ever coming home. It’s mad, isn’t it?’

‘No,’ I replied, ‘it’s not mad, Hannah.’

‘Do you miss him?’ She was unafraid to hold my gaze. I was afraid this was a trick question and my anxiety must have been written all over my face because she added quickly, ‘It’s okay, I’m not going to jump down your throat or anything. I just want to know that I’m not alone in this, that’s all.’

I concentrated on a large knot in the wood of the bare floorboards just in front of her feet.

‘No, you’re not alone. I miss him every single day, Hannah, and sometimes I don’t think it’s ever going to stop.’

Laura was sitting at a table in the window, a cappuccino in front of her, by the time I arrived at Blue-Bar. She hadn’t noticed me so I stood watching her for a few moments as she reached across to the middle of the table to a glass container stuffed with sugar sachets. She picked out a brown one, tore it open and carefully scattered the contents over the top of her cappuccino with a smile on her face that suggested she was taking great pleasure in watching the tiny bronze crystals sink into their liquid surroundings. She must have sensed that she was being watched because she looked up and smiled, so I walked over and after a brief embrace sat down in the seat opposite her.

‘I’m really glad that you called,’ she said. ‘I hated the way that things ended.’

‘Me too.’

Laura held out her hand for me to shake. ‘Friends?’

‘Of course.’

‘Good.’ She narrowed her eyes in a comically evil fashion, ‘Because you don’t want me as an enemy! You wouldn’t believe the sheer evilness of some of the thoughts I’ve had about you.’

‘Do you know what? The funny thing is I would.’

As I took off my jacket a huge smile broke across Laura’s face.

‘What?’

‘I’m just glad to see that T-shirt you’re wearing is still in active service.’

‘This old thing? It was the only thing that was clean.’

Laura looked crestfallen. ‘I bought you that.’

‘I was just joking about the ironing thing. Truth is I automatically reached for it this morning when I was getting ready. Must be my subconscious messing with me, what do you reckon? I notice yours didn’t make you wear that Jigsaw top I bought you the Christmas before last.’

‘It did but I ignored it. The last thing I need at my age is to begin taking style advice from my subconscious.’

Laura caught the eye of one of the waitresses and beckoned her over. I ordered a large coffee and two blueberry muffins.

‘Why do you order two? I won’t eat it, you know.’

‘So that you won’t break bits off mine every five seconds like we both know you will.’

‘Guilty as charged but just be aware that even if I do eat this muffin I’ll probably still steal some of yours.’

As we waited for our order we caught up with the stories of each other’s lives.

‘I’m working at H&M in town,’ she sighed, ‘but only until I’ve scraped together enough cash to pay off some of the debts that I built up while I was away. Today’s my day off.’

‘And after that? Is it back to the yoga?’

‘I’m actually thinking about going back to college or something. Melissa’s been a real inspiration on that front – thanks to her I feel like it’s not too late to make a change so maybe I’ll do a drama degree or even something completely different like photography.’

‘I could really see you being a cool fashion photographer.’

Laura pulled a face. ‘I’m not sure I can myself. Plus I doubt whether many of fashion’s elite photographers started their careers at the age of thirty-eight which is how old I’ll be by the time I’ve finished my foundation course, managed to find a college that actually might accept me and completed the degree. Maybe I should go back to teaching yoga after all.’

The waitress arrived with my coffee and our muffins and I finally plucked up the courage to ask her the question that I most wanted answered.

‘So did you find what you were looking for?’

‘How do you mean?’

‘On your travels.’

‘It wasn’t about finding myself,’ she said quietly. ‘It was about doing something different.’

‘With someone different?’ I was still holding her gaze. ‘I know all about the guy you met while you were out there. And before you ask no one told me. I worked it out. Your whole going around the world thing had nothing to do with finding yourself and everything to do with wanting to get away from me. How do you think that made me feel when I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you?’ Much to my own surprise my voice was raised and almost angry. ‘I can’t believe you thought so little of me and what we had.’

‘I did love you, Coop,’ replied Laura. ‘I did cherish what we had. I just couldn’t be sure, that’s all. I couldn’t be sure whether it was what I really wanted or whether I was choosing it because I was scared to be alone. And I
was
scared to be alone. I’ve always been scared about being alone. You were right! All my life I’ve been surrounded by friends and family – people who I know will look after me if life ever gets too tough. That’s why I decided to go travelling. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do things on my own. And do you know what? I managed just under a week alone before I couldn’t stand it any more. That’s why I got together with someone, Coop – because I was just too scared to be on my own. I don’t have what it takes to be independent. And even though sometimes being with him made me feel lonelier than ever, at least I wasn’t alone. At least there was someone near.’

‘And what about the funeral? Why didn’t you return anyone’s calls? Why was it okay to make everyone have to worry about you when there were other things – real things – that we needed to be focused on instead?’

Laura pushed her cappuccino to one side. ‘I feel terrible about that, Coop. I know I should’ve called. I should’ve contacted you straight after you left the message telling me Paul had died. But I just couldn’t do it. When I read your email I went into complete shock. And I knew if I called you, Vicks, Mel or Chris, then it would become real. Too concrete. But if I stayed where I was . . . if I didn’t contact you guys . . . well, then I could pretend it wasn’t real. It would just be a sad story happening on the other side of the world which had no bearing on my life. And if that sounds selfish . . . well, I wanted to be selfish. So I ran away. Moved from Thailand to Australia to try and put as much distance as possible between me and this horrible reminder of the seriousness of life.’

Throughout all the time that Hannah and I spent talking in her front room she hadn’t alluded to the photograph or the reason she had sent it. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that the photograph hadn’t been sent in spite; in fact it might have been the opposite – as an olive branch of sorts – the signal of a desire for us to make peace.

We talked a great deal. About things connected with Paul and things beyond him too. Hannah shared with me her plans for the future. With the proceeds of the house sale combined with Paul’s life insurance she had decided to buy a house near her parents’ home in Worcestershire. She wasn’t sure that the move would be permanent but for the time being it seemed to be the best avenue open to her. Sensing the doubt in her voice, I wanted to assure her that her plans made perfect sense but a small child’s wail crackled through the baby monitor cutting me off. Hannah explained that Bethany was due her next feed and disappeared only to return the best part of half an hour later with Bethany in her arms.

‘And here she is.’

I walked over and peered at the bundle in her arms. Bethany was beautiful. Really beautiful. She looked like Paul and she looked like Hannah and just seeing her so small and so tiny, representing the last remaining part of Paul in the world, made me want to smile and cry at the same time.

‘Would you like to hold her?’ She passed Bethany to me and I sat back down in the chair and lost myself in her eyes.

I stayed at Hannah’s for nearly an hour. Though I was pleased that Hannah and I had made our peace we were never going to be best friends and the last thing I wanted was to overstay my welcome. Just as I was about to make my retreat Hannah took a deep breath and fixed me with her own grey-green eyes.

‘Say no if this in any way makes you feel uncomfortable. And I know I have absolutely no right to ask . . . but I was wondering whether you’d been to visit Paul’s grave since the funeral . . . and well, if you hadn’t . . . I was wondering whether you’d come with me today. I’ve been meaning to go but I just couldn’t seem to find the strength. Mum and Dad offered to go with me a million times but I always found an excuse. But sitting here with you . . . I don’t know . . . I feel like I’m ready to see him. Does that make sense?’

‘Yes, I’ve been meaning to go myself but I’ve been too scared to go on my own.’

‘So will you come with me?’

For a moment or two all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating in my chest. ‘I will,’ I replied. ‘Of course I will.’

It was fast approaching three o’clock. Naomi would be coming back from her trip to town soon and I wanted to be there. I’d made up my mind to tell her about my meeting with Laura and the reasons behind it.

I began trying to bring things to a close with Laura. ‘It’s been really nice but I’m going to have to go.’

‘Of course. What time are you getting to the party tonight?’

‘About eight. It’s good that we’ve been able to do it. It’s been tough, hasn’t it? Everything has been really tough. And I’ve been looking forward to this party. To start living again.’

‘You’re absolutely right. And it’s not just you who feels it. You know how usually when you throw a party, the closer it gets the more texts you get from people dropping out? This has been the opposite. All week I’ve been snowed under with messages from mates promising they’ll come. Tonight’s going to be special. I know it.’

Hannah and I pulled up on the gravel drive of Buxton Road Cemetery. As Hannah climbed out of the car I leaned back to take a peek at Bethany happily gurgling away in her car seat before helping Hannah load her into the pram. Then with me pushing the pram and Hannah holding the bouquet of flowers that we had bought – freesias, stargazer lilies, spray carnations and a large-headed pink rose – we set off on our journey.

It was odd being back at the cemetery. There had been so many people here at the burial that thankfully I barely saw anything of what was going on. Lost inside the crowd, one of many, I could close my eyes and listen to the sounds around me: snatches of the vicar leading the service, the breeze blowing through the leaves on the trees and the tears of those for whom the day was beginning to take its toll. I’d felt blissfully divorced from the proceedings. I’d felt free. But that was then. And now Hannah and I were standing in front of Paul’s headstone.

Hannah turned round and placed my hand on the bouquet so that we could jointly lay the flowers at the foot of Paul’s grave.

‘We’ve got to move on,’ she said. ‘We’ve both got to let go. And we’ve got to do it now because we might never find the strength to do it later.’

Naomi was not taking the news that I’d spent the afternoon with Laura quite as well as I’d hoped for.

‘You did what?’ She put down her mug of tea on the kitchen counter.

‘I spent the afternoon with Laura.’

‘While I was in town with my sister?’

I nodded.

‘So what is it you’re saying exactly? That she called and asked you to meet up with her?’

I said I wished it had been that simple. ‘No, it was me who called her. I wanted the two of us to sort things out before the party tonight.’

‘Well, I’m thrilled for you,’ snapped Naomi. ‘And I sincerely hope the two of you will be happy together.’

She left the room, slamming the door behind her, and by the time that I caught up with her she was about to walk through the front door.

‘Naomi,’ I yelled. ‘Will you just stop for a second?’

‘What? So that you can break the news that you’re getting back together? I thought you were one of the good ones. Cooper.’

‘But I am,’ I protested.

‘Then you wouldn’t have gone to see her behind my back, would you? What was I? Your back-up plan in case she didn’t want you back when she finally came home? I always knew that you weren’t quite as over her as you made out and now I’ve got the proof. How could I have been this stupid?’