Lieutenant Columbus (18 page)

“But delivering Texas can’t hurt?”

“I’ll concede your point. The country is tired of the scandal-ridden Miller administration. Miller-time is over!”

“General, your rescue of notorious Hero of the Legion Colonel Joey R. Czerinski, whose unit was pinned down on an unauthorized mission deep into Arthropodan territory, was viewed live by billions of Americans. The dramatic rescue
is
reminiscent of your rescue of American armies during World War II. Is it your intention
to
use that publicity and your increased celebrity status to ride all the way to the Oval Office?”

“This simple old soldier just wants to rescue America from the clutches of Miller and his cronies. Colonel Czerinski is recovering nicely at the hospital. My long
-
time friend
,
Sergeant Rubin Rivers
,
is well, too.”

“General, any last words for the American public?” asked Coen, the cameras zooming in for a close-up of Patton’s handsome rugged profile.

“Yes, Phil. History has a habit of repeating itself. America loves a winner. My unique historical perspective
–
past, present, and future
–
will enable me to guide America to even more greatness. We need to support a safe galaxy of responsible allied nations.”

“Good luck
,
g
eneral, and thank you for your service to our country.”

The interview ended with a photo collage from the Battle of New Gobi City. The image faded to a satellite view of the spiders’
f
ive
-s
tar golf course, showing tank tread marks etched in mud spelling ‘VOTE PATTON’ across the pristine green links.

* * * * *

Lieutenant Patton ignored the small puddle of oil by the tire as he jauntily climbed into his SUV. Patton drove fast along the DMZ maintenance road back to the barracks bunkers. Patton waved cheerily at the spider clean-up crews at the golf course as he called Eve on his phone.

At the intersection
,
Patton applied
the
break, pumping the pe
da
l with no affect. His vehicle sped out of control past the stop sign and was struck broadside by a large Legion supply truck. The damage was horrifying.

The truck rolled up and over Patton’s SUV. Patton’s head was smashed against the roll bar, his chest violently compressed forward. Witnesses could barely recognize the vehicle.

However, air bags deployed
and
,
as was his habit, Patton wore a strapped helmet. First responders cut Patton out unscathed. He smiled weakly for the cameras and his adoring public.

“After all I have been through in service to my country, from Mexico to Europe, from Old Earth to New Colorado, wouldn’t it be ironic to be killed again in an auto accident? God willing, the Grim Reaper won’t take me yet. God Bless America, our troops, and especially our snipers!”

###

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~
BONUS HUMOR
~

Abducted by an Iguana

by Walter Knight

My sister Sara was abducted by an iguana hiding in the barn. I think the iguana is really an alien, but I do not know for sure. It is really a good liar. We thought that Sara was the liar, always cracking those jokes about a talking lizard in her backyard and a spaceship in her barn. It turns out she kept a straight face because she was not joking.

When she disappeared, I flew out to see if I could find anything. I have always been good about finding things, but finding Sara has been real hard. I have not found her yet, but I figured I would write all this down. Better if I did it all right away. I keep a note pad by my bed.

It could really be aliens who got her, because of the spaceship in the barn and all the oil stains on the grass. I asked the police to test for radiation, but they were too busy. I suspect the police might not have an open mind about aliens. I think either the aliens left in the spaceship, or the iguana ate her.

So, I would like some advice
.
I
f I eat the iguana, is it cannibalism?

###

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~SNEAK PREVIEW~

AMERICA
’
S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION

Book 1
6
:
Galactic Disney

by Walter Knight

Chapter 1

I am Colonel Joey R. Czerinski, Hero of the Legion, Butcher of planet New Colorado, and commander of
the
United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion garrison troops in the DMZ border town of New Gobi City.

America
wa
s poised to take its rightful place as leader of the galaxy.
My mission
:
to oversee construction
and operation
of Galactic Disneyland, to be built right here in New Gobi City.
America
’
s crown jewel w
ould
tower above the desert, snubbing its nose at the Arthropodan Empire, enticing the spiders with Mickey Mouse and Tinkerbell, and Americanizing New Colorado once and for all.

I gazed at construction on the centerpiece of Galactic Disneyland, the
‘
Escape From Spider Mountain
’
roller
-
coaster exhibit, progress
ing
nicely.
Secret anti-aircraft sites were hidden at the summit.
Drones disguised as Tinkerbell pixies kept watch from above.
Mickey Mouse carried an assault rifle.
I
had learned to
always expect the worst
and believe
d
in being prepared.
Everything in the New Gobi Desert pokes, stings, or bites, and it would be no different on this mission.
It would only be a matter of time before the spiders fought back.
Mickey and Tink
would
kick-ass if needed.

Being the
local Legion commander entitled
me
to ten percent of profits
,
and
I
was
determined to make
‘
the happiest place in the galaxy
’
an unqualified success.
Legion headquarters was moved to Galactic Disneyland, located under the
Spider
Mountain
ride
, complete with dungeon to accommodate troublemaker
s,
terrorists
, and Democrats
.
Legionnaires manned the entry points.
Bringing wholesome family resort entertainment, retail, and
fine
dining to the galaxy
was
a tough job, but someone ha
d
to do it.
I still needed to figure out where to put my casino.

* * * * *

The Governor of the North Territory ordered the spider commander to issue a building permit allowing the human pestilence Galactic Disney to trespass into the Arthropodan Empire.
Galactic Disney was to be part of a broad economic plan of joint Arthropodan and human pestilence businesses thriving along the DMZ.
Spiders and human pestilence had equal access to Galactic Disney, and shared profits.

However, to the spider commander it seemed wrong.
Spider hatch
l
ings wore those ungodly ugly Mickey Mouse ears that legionnaires gave away free at the front gate.
It was bad enough
that
youth listened to human pestilence ra
p
music and wore droopy drawers, but now hatchlings don
n
ed the big ears of Old Earth vermin rats?
It did not seem right.

Fear of cultural imperialism was an outdated concept, gone with the acceptance of Walmart and McDonald
’
s, skateboards
,
and Nike sportswear, but those big ears were wrong!
Mickey Mouse and the other Old Earth invasive pests had to be stopped!

As the spider commander tossed his empty Starbucks coffee cup aside, he eyed the tarps covering construction atop Spider Mountain.

“
Czerinski and the human pestilence are up to no good, as usual, and I will prove it!
”
shouted the spider commander, shaking his claw.
“
The human pestilence
‘
Wonderful World
’
will not be allowed to spread their toxic pixie dust
. I will stop the Merry Mad Rodent and his Mickey Mouse Club forever
!
”

* * * * *

As construction neared completion, I invited my counterpart from across the DMZ to a courtesy ride on the Spider Mountain
roller coaster
.
The spider commander seemed dubious, but with the media present, he had a hard time backing down.
“
Your amusing ride does not look safe,
”
he announced.
“
My new Military Intelligence officer will ride in my place.
Examining human pestilence technology is his specialty.
”

“
We all do what is necessary for world peace and d
é
tente,
”
I added, smiling for the press.
“
And a bit of pre-opening publicity can
’
t hurt either.
”

“
Please sign this waiver of liability,
”
requested Major Lopez, my XO.
“
Don
’
t worry, it
’
s just a formality suggested by the lawyers.
That, and Disney may want use the video for commercials.
Even aliens love Galactic Disney.
Right?
”

“
I
’
m not signing anything,
”
replied the Military Intelligence officer.
“
I heard about you
r
human pestilence la
w
yers and
their
fine print.
”

“
Just do it!
”
ordered the spider commander, losing his patience.
“
This contraption can
’
t be any more dangerous than combat.
”

The Military Intelligence officer grudgingly signed the waiver.
Aides unpacked food and beverages for the spider commander.
It was a festive atmosphere, and the spider commander invited the press to join him for a picnic.

“
Usually we don
’
t allow food and beverage past the gates,
”
I advised.
“
We have many concession stands.
”

“
And risk being poisoned by Lopez and his CIA buddies?
”
scoffed the spider commander.
“
No way, Jos
é
.
Besides, I know of your theme park inflat
ed pricing system
.
I will not be cheated by your human pestilence money
-
grubbing schemes!
”

“
Isn
’
t it ironic that one day
,” interrupted Phil Coen of Channel Five World News Tonight
, “
you
’re
shooting at each other, and the next
,
you
’re
riding a roller coaster together as friends and allies at Galactic Disney
?
”
He shot me a
pho
ny smile.
“
The Butcher of New Colorado on an amusement park ride with spiders.
Who would have thought that possible
?
”