Liar (13 page)

“How’s Sam taking it?” asked Sarah finally.

“I don’t really know,” said China. “And I don’t really care. This is about me, not him. He probably feels helpless.”

“Is he going to be there?”

“Oh, he’ll be here for the operation, but he has to leave a couple of days after. Jane wants to come but I told her not to. She’s got her job and I don’t want her to take Tina out of school. No, it’s impossible, besides when I’m miserable I like to be by myself. I have friends I can call for groceries and stuff.”

“I’ll come,” said Sarah.

“Can you?” asked China. “You don’t have to. Really, I can manage.”

“Doesn’t matter if you can or not. I’m coming. I can paint anywhere. Besides it’s a good excuse to get away for a while.”

“We can’t afford your ticket.”

“Not to worry. I’ll drive.”

“I love you, Sarah.”

“I love you back. I’ll be there in a couple of days. You and I know it’s just an ugly old cyst. When you wake up you can sneer at El Doctori and say I told you so, you idiot.”

China laughed and hung up feeling like a human being for the first time in hours. She also felt like she’d been wrung out and hung on a line to dry. Sam entered the hotel room with brown paper bags and a bucket of ice.

“Sam,” said China. “You’re not going to get drunk, are you?”

“The ice is for you to suck on, my lovely.”

“Oh Sam! Sometimes you know exactly what to do.”

“We’ll just watch TV and suck on ice chips in-between your trips to the bathroom.”

Just before China started to get all maudlin about Sam’s tender consideration, he redeemed himself.

“I suppose sex would be out of the question?” asked Sam hopefully.

China collapsed with laughter. He really was impossible.

“Absolutely not! I don’t want any semen swimming around in there when they open me up. I don’t want any rude comments by those callous nurses and interns.”

“All right, I understand. But just in case you get tired of sucking on ice chips.......”

“Shut up you insensitive clod!”

“Do you want me to describe what I had for dinner?”

China threw her pillow at Sam and went to the bathroom to bravely swallow the vile laxative.

When she came out Sam was lying on the bed watching TV.

“Are you all right?” asked Sam seriously.

“Yeah, I’m all right. For now. It takes a while to work you know. By the way, Sarah is coming.”

“That’s great,” lied Sam. “I didn’t like the idea of you being alone.”

He’s such a charming liar,
thought China.
Sometimes it’s charming and sometimes it’s not. He doesn’t like Sarah but he’s relieved that he has to go back to work. A charming nurse he is not. Besides, the best thing for him to do is go out and make his two thousand dollar promise. He’ll do it. He just won’t know what to do after that. Won’t know what I want to do. Neither do I. One step at a time.

~ ~

China awoke to good news, an absent cyst, uterus and ovaries, instant men-a-pause, and a bolstered bladder. Before she could gloat that the doctor had been a negative alarmist, he explained the operation.

“It was a very delicate operation,” said Dr. Chipman with satisfaction. “Those cysts can cause all kinds of damage when they twist around organs. I had to do a lot of cutting in there. You take it easy for a while and all should be fine. Your local Doctor can remove the staples in a couple of weeks.”

So, the good doctor was pleased that the operation had been difficult and delicate and China was pleased that all was well. Life was once again on an even keel as she drifted in and out of the morphine dream, gratefully happy to be benign and alive. Flowers from Jane and Sarah had arrived. No flowers from Sam but flowers weren’t his style. He thought the only gift worth giving was his penis and she was in no shape for that. Each time she drifted out of sleep she looked for Sam and he was either staring out the window or asleep in the chair beside her.

Sam awoke from his doze and quickly looked over at China who seemed to be sleeping peacefully.
She’s still beautiful,
he thought,
even after that awful operation. Thank God she’s all right. She’s tougher than I am. Smarter than I am. She has a way with words that ties my tongue. She intimidates me with her sound. Sometimes I have to lie when she attacks me with her need for the truth. My only defense is...silence.

~ ~

Two days later Sam kissed her goodbye and she clung to him and decided to stay in the neutral zone of forgiveness for a few months. Because. Because she couldn’t leave him. Could not. Because of the way her blood still sang, the way her breath caught in her chest. Sometimes. When she looked at him.

The nurse came and took the morphine dream away and China started coping with pain. She was dying for a cup of Earl Grey tea and a piece of toast. The lunch tray arrived and so did Sarah looking very spiffy in perfectly creased trousers and an elegant jacket and not a black hair out of place. She kissed China and then lifted the cover on the lunch tray. The attendant who had delivered the lunch was smiling and gazing at Sarah with adoration.

“Oh my God,” gasped Sarah, her grey eyes widening with horror. “You can’t eat that!”

China grinned and the attendant’s smile faded.

“Take it away,” said Sarah firmly. “Bring her some soup and crackers.”

The tray disappeared and China knew she’d be all right.

“Honestly,” said Sarah. “I don’t know how they expect patients to get better when they serve crap like that. Am I correct in assuming that this is your first meal? You haven’t had anything but water and juice in three days, right?”

China nodded weakly.

“And they have the nerve to bring you a turkey dinner complete with a lake of gravy. At least I assume those two gray slabs were turkey. I suppose they’ll bring you cold soup and soggy crackers. Never mind, I’ll smuggle in a kettle and a toaster and bring you some proper soup in a thermos and some fruit.”

“No,” said China. “I don’t want sweet. I want salt. Bring me some olives and chicken noodle soup and basmati rice with soya sauce.”

“Oh,” Sarah clapped her hands and rolled her eyes. “A feast fit for a morphine queen.”

China giggled carefully. “How was the drive down?”

“Fraught with terror, my dear. I narrowly missed intimate acquaintance with a very large moose. Speaking of moose, is your darling husband gone yet? Yes? Thank God. I was terrified I’d have to make polite conversation with the brute.”

The student nurse, Jenny, poked her head around the corner and asked China if she wanted her hair washed.

“That would be heaven, but how on earth are you going to do that?”

“I have my ways,” dimpled Jenny. “I’ll be right back.”

“What’s a beautiful child like that doing in a hospital wiping asses?” demanded Sarah.

“I don’t know but I’m grateful she’s here,” said China. “Why don’t you go shopping for my goodies and when you come back I’ll be looking gorgeous.”

“Humph, no way you can look gorgeous in a hospital but at least you’ll be clean. See you later darling.”

China lay back and surrendered to the pleasure of Jenny massaging her scalp and neck. The smell of the shampoo was heaven.
How quickly we take things for granted,
thought China with a loud sigh.
Simple things like clean hair, health, and a good meal. Not to mention a good friend like Sarah.

~ ~

Ten days later China was still hobbling around the house painfully. As Sarah came in the door with a load of groceries, China was hanging up the phone.

“Christ almighty!” she complained loudly. “Sam wants me to go to the office and try to fix his answering machine. The frequent power outages on this god-forsaken island absolutely fry answering machines. I’ve told him countless times to forward his business calls to an answering service on the mainland. How can I possibly...”

“China, dear,” Sarah interrupted, “this is what you do when Sam calls and asks for the impossible.”

Sarah picked up the phone and then replaced in gently on the cradle.

“You simply hang up. He’s not in the house, he’s on the phone. How lucky can you be? Hang up. One would think that he’d at least wait until the stitches were out before he asks you to fix his life for him once again. If only one could get rid of every man’s foolishness by simply hanging up. If Sam calls again just tell him you love him and quickly hang up!”

Sarah glided gracefully into the kitchen as China held her belly in painful laughter. She had a nap and then took out her paints and tried various versions of the tulips, a bouquet from Karen. Sarah picked out her favourite version.

“This is the best one,” said Sarah.

“I agree, but why was it easier to paint this version? The others were more difficult. For some reason I felt more freedom when painting this one.”

“Because you didn’t try to paint the container. You just painted the flowers. Containers are very difficult to paint. They pull you down. They contain the flowers. They shackle the brush. Kind of like men.”

~ ~

China had the stitches taken out and the next day went for a slow hobble on the shore road. Sarah walked ahead and then waited for China to catch up. She preferred to walk quickly and then stop and wait rather than slow her stride to match China’s hobble.

“Sarah,” said China on one of the catch ups. “Now I know how a zebra feels trying to get away from the hyena gnawing at its genitals.”

“Yeah, like having a man attached to you at all times, without the pleasure.”

China burst out laughing and doubled over.

“Stop making me laugh. It hurts.”

“Nonsense, laughter is exercising your stomach muscles and that’s a good thing even if it’s painful. Speaking of painful, I’ll have to leave tomorrow.”

“I know. Don’t worry about me. I’ll survive, alone and in dreadful pain while you carry on with your glamourous life in the big city.”

“I’m not worried about your physical well-being. I’m worried about your mental state. Look, China, live with Sam or don’t live with Sam. Whatever you want to do is fine with me. I just want you to be happy.”

China felt like she’d been given the greatest gift of all as she watched Sarah stride towards the beach.
There you are Sam,
she thought,
that’s what love is all about. This is what Sarah gives to me, what I give to her. This gift was earned, and once earned, it never had to be paid for again.

~ ~

Nov. 5/97

I miss Sarah. She’s always a part of my healing. She made me laugh. She laughed at me, trying to find a comfortable place on the couch, shifting pillows, legs up, legs down, legs crossed, lying down, sitting up. I spend my days believing a change in position will alter the pain, and it does for a while.

I’ve got one more sleeping pill and then I go cold turkey. The sleeping pills are more important than the pain pills that only make me hyper and sick to my stomach. During the day I can fight the pain by shifting and distracting myself. At night it becomes a monster in my room as I lay helpless on the bed begging for the oblivion of sleep. And then the sleeping pill kicks in and I go out like a light for five hours. Then I toss and turn gently for another couple of hours, placing pillows strategically, between my knees when on the side, under my knees when on my back, the scar still too tight and sore to allow full extension of my legs. Maybe I should do a how-to video on how to recover from an abdominal operation.

All the things they don’t tell you. Like bowel movements. How the hell can your bowels move when your intestines have been shut down by slicing, morphine, and codeine? They give you stool softeners, tell you to walk to get rid of the gas, then they give you painkillers with codeine that make you sick and bind you up. They don’t tell you that your first bowel movement will only happen after a laxative and long minutes of very painful pushing. But, oh the glory, the relief, when the earth moves and then you totter sweating and shaking to your bed feeling like you just gave birth again. No, on second thought, that video would never sell. Getting through an abdominal operation is definitely on a need to know basis.

~ ~

Three weeks later China picked Sam up at the ferry landing. She had surprised herself by actually enjoying the last few weeks of her convalescence, when the worst of the pain had eased. She’d felt peaceful, in an altered state. The operation had given her permission to concentrate on herself and make no demands other than eating, sleeping, walking, watching movies, and sketching. She had even put worry aside. True to his promise, Sam had transferred the two thousand to her savings account, not a penny more, not a penny less.

Sam hugged her gingerly and kept glancing at her nervously.

China decided to put him out of his misery.

“Sam, I’m grateful you put the money in my account, but I’m not ready to go through another move yet. Christmas is coming up and I need more time to heal before I can even think about a move. Let’s wait until spring. Okay?”

“Sure, whatever you think is best,” said Sam happily.

Sam surprised her by making love to her very carefully, tenderly, the way she sometimes wanted to be loved but had to go through a major operation in order to get. China felt a bit of pain and didn’t respond with her usual passion.

“Don’t worry Sam,” she said reassuringly. “I did feel a tremor of something other than pain, but I’m definitely not ready for a wild, tumultuous orgasm. Just the thought of it makes me cringe.”

“How much longer will it take to completely heal?”

“I don’t know. There’s no magic day when everything will be as it was. I’m amazed I’m not screaming with pain, considering all the chopping they did.”

“You don’t feel different to me.”

“Well, I’m glad you still want my poor scarred body. However, I can assure you that I feel very different to me. I feel like I fell totally apart and now I have to put myself back together minus a few pieces. You’ll just have to be patient.”

China left Sam in bed and went downstairs to poach salmon for his welcome home dinner. They ate salmon four times a week because after all it was free. Dried, smoked, baked, simmered, canned, poached, sauteed. A gift from the sea and the best of reasons for living on Grimshaw Island, the only reason other than sex.

~ ~

Something had happened to China. Something other than a serious operation. She felt it like a hole in her heart. Felt it like the empty hole in her belly. She was surprised that Sam couldn’t feel it when he was inside her. Couldn’t feel the change in temperature in her lips.

Her lust for Sam had cooled. Reason had reared its critical head. The pure, blind love she had felt for Sam in the beginning wasn’t real. It was only temporary and now she had to find a way to love him in spite of what she knew. Because, of course, in the beginning she didn’t know him. He only showed her the best part of him. China wondered if he would ever be what he once promised.

While reading an awful detective book, one of the many she had read during her quiet convalescence, she came upon an interesting theory. The only interesting thing in the book. The theory about “not necessarily lying.” There was even a great word for it. Confabulation. ‘Con’ meaning ‘with,’ and ‘fabulation,’ coming from fable or fabulary, meaning talk or discourse. It could mean just carrying on a conversation or constructing a fable. Or, it could be a type of story constructed to impress the listener that was in fact a rendition of reality when the story teller was suffering from a memory defect. It was not limited to people with brain damage, like alcoholics. It could be a result of very poor self-image.

Sam didn’t look as though he had poor self-image. He had a very healthy, blustering ego but the careless charm he flaunted merely littered his path with the detritus of things undone. He stumbled through life, determined to sabotage himself and everyone else by not paying attention. He acted like a king who depended on his courtiers to take care of the stupid details for him. He had vision and in some ways he was brilliant, but he didn’t back it up with hard work and attention to detail, or honesty. You could count on Sam to come up with great ideas, but he couldn’t carry them to completion. He always impressed people in the beginning with his charm and his ability to make mundane events seem exciting. He loved living on the edge while China cowered in fear, waiting for the gust of wind that would topple them into the abyss.

The problem with China’s dreams and her reality was that she let other people in who weren’t dreaming the same dream. She chose to love Sam. Now, every day, she discovered many different things she had to do and learn about herself and him in order to live with that choice. Sam could have learned so much from her, but even though she was teaching frantically, she seemed to be the only one in the classroom who learned anything. Teacher, discover thyself?

~ ~

Jane called with the news that they had an infestation of ants in her apartment building. She told China what Tina had said.

“Mom,” Tina said. “Let’s move to China’s house right now and a lady who likes bugs can move in here.”