Letting go of Grace (10 page)

“So you went back to Grant?”

“I didn’t go back to him. I just knew I could count on him.”

“And did you talk to him about any of this?”

“Kind of. He tried to explain it to me, but I didn’t want to hear it. I saw them kiss and that was enough.”

“Was it a tongue, deep throat kiss or a lip only kiss?”

“A lip only kiss, but what does that matter? A kiss is a kiss Kevin.”

“No it’s not. I could kiss you on the lips and it wouldn’t mean anything.” I roll my eyes and lie on my back.

“I got sucked in and spit right out.”

“You’re better than them, Hannah.”

“Oh yeah. He bought the building for ten million then gave it to me. How does it get any better?”

“You deserve better. Someone who isn’t going to hurt you. He doesn’t know you, Hannah.”

“He actually got to know me better than I thought. He was there for a dream.” I look over at Kevin and he keeps staring at the TV biting his lip.

“I know about the dreams, and so does Becca.”

“Exactly, only you guys know about it. I’m a private person, Kevin, and I let him in against my better judgment and look how it ended. I thought I could love him and he could be part of this family.”

“After that short amount of time, Hannah? You really thought he could do it? Isn’t he a workaholic who is never home?”

“I thought he would have wanted to change.” I glance over at him and the floodgates burst open. I curl next up to Kevin and cry for a while. He spoons me and I feel safe in his arms. I start to contemplate giving in to him, but stop. It would get me nowhere. I need to be alone. Chase was taken from me, so that can only mean that I am meant to be alone. I will grow old and never love again. I have this pity party in my head as I fall back asleep.

I go back to the cemetery in my dream. I’m standing there as Chase’s casket is lowered into the ground. It takes all my strength not to breakdown in front of everyone. I watch as people drop white roses onto the ground. I stand still while people pay their respects and leave. I’m the last to walk over and I sit next to the giant gaping hole in the ground that Chase will deteriorate in for all eternity.

“I miss you.” As I say the words and feel him around me. I wish he was still here. I sit there for a long time and no one stops me or asks me to leave. I think about what our life would have been like and I mourn him and us and what we were supposed to be. We were supposed to grow old together. He was my world and now I have nothing. I cry till the point of sobbing and gasping for air. I can see Kevin leaning against his car waiting for me. Everyone has left and he just waits for me to get up. I don’t want to, but I see the sun is starting to set and it will be pitch-black soon. I take the remaining roses and gently throw them over his casket.

“I love you, baby.” I can almost hear him say it back, but I know it’s my imagination. I walk over to Kevin and he hugs me.

I wake up in a cold sweat in his arms. It freaks me out because this was how we were in the dream. He looks at me and knows what it was. I can’t breathe and I fight for air.

“Hannah, you need to breathe.” I focus on him and still nothing. My body feels like it is shutting down from all the pain I’m in. He sits me up and I finally catch my breath. He takes me in his arms and soothes me. Again I start to cry. I can’t stop the pain. I’m hurting from Chase being gone. I’m crying from Grant kissing that woman and Aiden sleeping with Becca. I feel like every time I take a leap of faith, God pushes me back down like I don’t deserve it. I get up and go into the shower, leaving Kevin in my room. I get under the water and it doesn’t feel like anything. I’m moving backwards. I’m slowly losing everything again. I have to pull out of this. I used to be such a strong person. I need to take control of my life and get the fuck over it all. I lost Chase, it’s awful, but I have to move on for the kids. Yes, I loved Grant, but he cheated on me. What’s the big deal? It could have been worse. We could have been married when he cheated on me. It could always be worse I tell myself, and slowly I feel the water. I can do this. Chase was real, the other two were a small chapter in my life and I have to take away the good things I got from each of them. I got great sex and great nights out of the disastrous ordeal. When I get out of the shower I throw on Chase’s T-shirt and a pair of sweats.

I make my way downstairs to make myself a cup of tea. Kevin is passed out again and I don’t want to wake him. I put the kettle on and notice it’s after midnight. I check my phone and see another text from Grant.

My mom is OK. They are moving her into a room and she should be home at the end of the week. I love you.

I see he sent it a few hours ago.

I’m happy to hear she is doing well.

Placing the phone down I take out a tea bag and mug. I hear it vibrate.

I won’t stop trying. I want to fix this. You changed our lives forever, Hannah. My whole family is better because of you. I love you.

I stare at it and muse over him telling me again he loves me. Actions speak louder than words. I can’t get the damn kiss out of my head.

And your family changed me.

I place my phone down and pour my tea. I let it simmer down and hear my phone again. I know I shouldn’t be going back and forth, but I don’t care anymore.

I hope in a good way. I know you hate me, but if there is anything you need, call me and I would drop everything for you.

I read this message but I don’t respond. I get ice and drop it into my tea so I can drink it. I think about Aiden and wonder what he is doing. I left without saying goodbye. I guess he is right, I am a runner. I run from anything and everything that I fear. Is it them or their love I fear? I go deep into it and come out with nothing. They are mentally fucked up men and I learned my lesson. I take another pill and wash it down with my tea. I head back to bed and lie down next to Kevin. His phone is lit up and I see Vanessa has called. I open his phone and see she called eight times. I poke Kevin and he doesn’t wake up. I see a text come across his phone and she is pissed.

You better not be with her, you told me you chose me.

I slap him and he sits up. I hold out his phone and show him the message.

“Go home to her.” He rubs his eyes and gets out of bed.

“Lock the door behind me.” I get up and follow him out. I lock the door and go back to bed. The pills are working and I can’t wait to sleep again.

I GET UP AT NINE
and go right to the treadmill. I have to run off the sleeping pill hangover and run off my emotions. I put my earbuds in and find my iHeartRadio app. In seconds I’m listening to my favorite station. Elvis Duran and the morning show is on and I start to laugh immediately. Music comes on after a while and the song makes me think of Grant. I press the treadmill speed till it’s at a nine. I stay there for an hour. The sweat drips off me and my muscles are screaming at me, but I feel like all my problems are leaving my body through the sweat and pain. I will shower them off and get on with my life. I start to feel stronger. I feel my heart pounding and it reminds me that I’m still alive. When I get off I make my way into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. I have to call my mom to see when they are coming home. They aren’t planning on leaving till tonight, so I have another day alone. I miss my kids so much. I just want them close and to hug them tight. I’m lost in thought when I hear a knock at the door. I see the UPS man walk back to his truck as I open the front door to pick up the package. I notice the package is from Grant and wonder what the hell he is up to. I study the package as I walk back into the kitchen to open it. I take out the first box and know it’s my bracelet. That’s when I see that it has a note attached.

This is yours, keep it and think of me when you wear it.

Love you always,

Grant

I slip it on. Holding my wrist up into the light, I watch as it sparkles with every turn of my wrist. Next I take out an envelope. My name is written on the top in his handwriting. I take the piece of paper out and it’s titled “I will never give up.” I begin to read it and tears begin to fall. It’s “How Do I love Thee” by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. The more I read the angrier I get. He doesn’t get to send me this poem as a way to tell me he loves me. This was mine and Chase’s poem. We had it read at our wedding. I read it at his funeral. I sit back in my seat and wonder what his thought process is. Is he trying to show me he truly loves me? It’s going to take a lot more than a poem. A poem he has no business sending since he clearly doesn’t know how to love. I push it back in the envelope and decide I need to leave it all alone. I need time to myself. I choose myself over him and his brother.

I get a love letter, excerpts from books, and song lyrics every day for the next thirty days. Every one of them handwritten. He sends me the words of Voltaire, Gray, and Pope. Every day I open my letter where he gives me a piece of himself, but it makes me wonder if this is the real him. Hell, he could have had secretary sending me these. But still, I let myself heal from his words. I know I will see him soon because I still have his car. I haven’t driven it since I came home. I haven’t contacted them and they haven’t contacted me. I know Mrs. Grace is doing well because I spoke with her doctor.

I have kept busy the last few weeks and slowly my heart is repairing itself. It’s the kids’ birthday tomorrow and I’m running around making sure everything is perfect for them. I have fifteen kids coming to my house for a pool party. Kevin talked me into getting a pool with the money we got from the building. I stare out the back window and see the moon’s light hit the water. I can’t believe the kids will be six tomorrow. Even crazier, I can’t believe I will be thirty-one. They were the best birthday presents I ever received. I take my pill out of habit and turn off all the lights. Tomorrow is going to be a good day for all of us. I smile as I lie in bed thinking of their birthday last year. Chase filled the hallway with hundreds of balloons so when they woke up they walked into a balloon maze. They were so excited about it. This will be their first birthday without him, and the smile fades. I start to get drowsy so I roll over and feel my mind let go as I close my eyes and fall fast asleep.

I wake up refreshed and jump out of bed while it’s still early. I head down and admire all the decorations I put up last night. Everything looks amazing. I set up the bounce house in the backyard and turn it on, watching it as it grows. The kids are going to freak out with glee when they see how huge it is. I smile as I go back inside to make a cup of morning blend tea. I catch something out of the corner of my eye and head to the front window to investigate. I observe the Panamera, but it’s a different color. I stare for a minute thinking I’m losing my mind. I know I drove a black one home and it’s silver now. I know I pulled it in the driveway, not backed it in. I open the front door and find a red ribbon on the hood of the car. What the hell is he thinking? I continue to walk closer and see a box tied to the ribbon. I grab it and bring it inside. I rush to close the door when I hear my cell. I grab it off the counter and see it’s Becca.

“Happy Birthday!”

“Thanks Bec. What are you doing up? Or did you just get home?”

“I’m on my way to your house. I got in yesterday. You think I would forget your birthday or the kids’?”

“You’re really coming here?” I squeal. She is what I’ve needed.

“Yes. I should be there in twenty. I was just making sure you were awake. I was hoping to get there before the kids wake up so I can surprise them.”

“They’re still sleeping so you might be able to. And, you can help me figure out what to do with the present I just got.”