Letting Go of Disappointments and Painful Losses (11 page)

On several occasions since Nathan’s traumatic entry into this world, I have had to take inventory of my expectations and make some adjustments.

I can’t expect
Nathan to read a book out loud, as Jessie and Ben did when they were in kindergarten. If I hang on to that expectation, I will be disappointed. But
I can expect
him to read. That is a tangible, reachable goal for him.

I can’t expect
that John and I will be empty nesters in six to twelve years, as we had previously thought. But
I can expect
that whatever comes will in some way be good and that God will be with us.

I can’t expect
myself to do as much for John, Jessie, and Ben as I did before Nathan joined our family. Their needs have changed, and so have mine. I’m dividing my energies among four rather than three. But
I can expect
God’s strength to be sufficient for every situation. And because His plan is perfect, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Nathan has added more to the family than he has taken away. We have all made
adjustments, and the experience we share is rich. Different from what we expected, yes, but rich.

I can’t expect
myself to always be a wise, patient, and attentive mother and wife. I want to be, of course, but many times I fall short. When I’m tired, I snap at my kids. When they give me flak, I raise my voice. Although I try very hard, I’m not always who or what I want to be.

What I
can expect
is that God will pour grace over my weaknesses, as I offer them to Him, and restore my strength.

In times of weakness I realize once again how profound and desperate is my need for God and His power to change me. That’s when I have to hold tightly to the expectation that He will finish the work He has started in me. That’s when I must stand on the promise that His power in me “is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over
and
above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]” (Ephesians 3:20,
AMP).

Life doesn’t always dish out what we expect. But if we remain open to new possibilities, the road ahead can be an adventure. The scenery may not be what we would have chosen, but it can be very, very good indeed. One way or another, God will get us to our final destination in heaven. And then, He promises,
every expectation we’ve ever had will fall absurdly short of reality.
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WHEN WE ARE IN THE PROCESS OF LETTING GO OF
disappointment or a painful loss, we need to check our focus. Ask yourself:

• Am I focusing on my losses, or on my gains?
  
• Am I staring at a closed door behind me, or getting ready to walk through a new door in front of me?
  
• Am I clinging to an ending, or preparing for a new beginning?
  
• Am I complaining about things I can’t change, or am I changing the things I can?
  

When Nathan was born, cards and letters poured in from family and friends. They wanted so much to help and share our grief. One letter enclosed a newspaper clipping that challenged me to open my heart to the new direction my life had taken. It helped me see that by focusing on what I didn’t have, instead of on what I did, I was causing much of my own anguish.

The clipping was a little story penned years ago by Emily Perl Kingley. Anticipating the birth of a baby, she wrote, is like planning a fabulous vacation. Then delivery day comes, the wheels of the jumbo jet touch down, and you awaken from your slumber to hear a flight attendant’s cheery voice say, “Welcome to Holland.”

Shifting our focus from what we don’t have to what we do have brings a quiet calm to a heart torn with conflict. Peace comes when we make a simple choice to take a deep breath and say to ourselves,
I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment.
It means that we stop wasting precious time and emotional energy wishing things were different, longing to be someone else, or wanting another set of circumstances. Refocusing can lead us away from despair toward a greater sense of well-being as we trust that “my times are in Your hand” (Psalm 31:15,
NKJV
).

It doesn’t matter what the circumstance is. It may be singleness or widowhood. It may be a heartbreaking marriage, infertility, disability, betrayal, a child gone astray, job loss, or a lingering illness. Whatever the life situation is in which we find ourselves with no control, we can
refocus.
With Paul we can learn to concentrate on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable … anything [that] is excellent or praiseworthy” (Philippians 4:8).

This mental discipline is part of the “secret” that Paul described a few verses later:

As life would have it, there will be many times when you and I will find ourselves in a “different place.” That much is clear. But
God
will be with us in that different place. And as we open our hearts to Him, He will give us the strength we need to carry on. He will carry us through our disappointments and painful losses to a place of acceptance and peace.

That doesn’t mean we won’t feel sad now and then. We will.

That doesn’t mean we won’t play the “What if?” game.
We will.

That doesn’t mean we will never daydream about “Italy.” We will.

But as time passes, we will do so less and less.

I am grateful that God has taught our family to perceive Nathan’s differences as unique qualities to be appreciated and understood. I am grateful that the joy over what Nathan can do far surpasses the sadness over what he cannot do. As time has passed, a shift in focus has enabled us to clearly see that there’s a lot of love in Holland.
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