Letters to Matt (8 page)

She snorted. “Like I’m supposed to care about your silly love drama.”

Okay, that’s it. Time to bring out the big guns. “Well, I suppose you’ll care a lot more about it when Mom and Dad find out that you had a boy in here last week.”

She turned and narrowed her eyes at me. “You wouldn’t.”

Oh, she had no idea how much I would. This was the most important thing to ever happen to me. I
had
to get to those fields, and to Matt. I narrowed my eyes at her, staring her down. She let out a sigh and put down her mascara.

“Whatever, fine.”

“Okay. We’re picking up Mandy and Adam and one of his friends in fifteen minutes.”

“That was not part of the deal!”

“Moom!” I hollered.

“You little shit,” my sister muttered. “Okay, fine!”

“Yes, sweetie?” Mom hollered up the steps.

“Nothing. I had a question with my homework, but I figured it out.”

“Okay.”

“Mom, I’m going out with Melanie.”

I could hear the apprehension in her voice. “Is Mel okay with this?”

I threw a warning glare at my sister. “Yeah. It was my idea. I don’t spend enough time with my baby sis.”

“Okay.”

“You are so going to pay for this,” Melanie threatened through clenched teeth.

I knew I would, but honestly, if it meant that I got to be Matt’s girlfriend, I would reap the consequences. A few minutes later, Mel was ready to go. Mom and Dad told us to have fun as we walked out the door.

We pulled up to Mandy’s house. I took in the three of them waiting outside. Mandy started waving enthusiastically as soon as she spotted Mel’s car. Sally and Adam were talking, or rather trying to talk, it looked like. Adam was rubbing the back of his neck and Sally kept giving shy smiles and looking down at the ground. Adam glanced up and noticed the car as well. He said something to Sally, and she nodded before they started walking, Mandy followed the pair.

“This is so freaking exciting!” Mandy squealed as the three of them piled into the backseat. Her excitement earned a scowl from Melanie. “Thanks for taking us, Mel.”

“Yeah, anytime,” she replied, sarcasm dripping from her words.

Mandy and I chatted happily while Mel focused on driving and Adam and Sally sat awkwardly, making random eye contact with each other. We pulled onto the gravel roads that led to The Fields . Too exhilarated to sit still, I rolled down my window.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Mel asked.

I ignored her as I climbed out, sitting on the window. “Mandy! This is awesome!”

“Whoo!” Mandy said as she rolled down her own window and climbed out. She was on the passenger’s side behind me and we high fived each other after we got situated.

She leaned down and peeked her head in the window. “C’mon, Sally!”

I heard Sally protest.

“Don’t be a spoil sport,” Mandy teased.

I heard something about a skirt.

“Just tuck it in between your legs,” Mandy suggested. “Or don’t. I’m sure Adam wouldn’t protest to the view.”

I laughed out loud. A minute later, Sally’s head popped out of the other window. I laughed at the image. I knew she had to climb over Adam to get to the window. At first, she looked terrified, but we weren’t going that fast, and soon she was enjoying herself.

The party started coming into view. There were at least ten people there already. I could see Matt standing talking to a group of guys. Melanie pulled up next to a line of cars. The three of us were still hanging out the window. I considered sliding back into the car and getting out normally, but I was already halfway out the door so I decided to commit. It was awkward and I basically had to stand on the window to get out. Mandy made it look easily. She managed to swing around and slide out,
Dukes of Hazzard
style. Adam scooted over so Sally could get back in the car and use the door to get out.

Excitement coursed through every vein in my body. I could barely contain myself. Mandy grabbed my hand and we ran over to where Matt stood.

My heart pounded in my chest as he smiled at me.

“That was quite an entrance,” he complimented.

“Well, you know…” I flirted back. The energy was absolutely contagious. Someone pulled a truck into the fields and had loud rap music blaring from their stereo. A couple of the kids stood around with beers in their hands. Some were sitting on the bed of the truck. Everyone looked like they’re having a good time.

Matt lowered his head toward me. “You look great.”

I blushed. “It’s just what I wore to school today.”

He grinned. “I know. And it looked great then, too.”

I realized Mandy had walked off to join Adam and Sally as Matt grabbed my now free hand.

“Take a walk with me?” he suggested.

I nodded. I would follow him anywhere. We walked further into the field where the water had risen. His hand felt amazing in mine and I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. Neither of us spoke just yet. Suddenly, I stepped into a small dip in the field. I lost my balance and fell back on my ass.
Smooth, Jaden
, I chastised myself.

Matt looked at me in alarm. “Are you okay?” he asked, grabbing my other hand and pulling me up.

I just smiled at him, playing it off. “A wet butt never hurt anyone.”

He smiled back at me. “Well, I guess we’ll stop here before you accidentally drown yourself,” he joked. I mock glared at him, and he laughed. Then, he turned serious. “So, I left a note in your locker today.”

I smiled. “I know. I got it. I even answered it…but it’s in my back pocket and probably ruined now.” I carefully pulled the paper from my back pocket and showed it to him for emphasis. “So, how about instead of telling you what I put, I ask you a question in return?”

He looked at me, confused, but nodded.

“Will you be my boyfriend, Matt?”

“I’ll have to think about it.” I scowled at him, and he laughed. “I’m just kidding. I would love to, Jaden.” The way he said my name was intoxicating. It was as if it were the single greatest word in his dictionary.

Before I could think of anything to say in return, I noticed his face was moving toward me. My heart started pounding in my chest and fire swam through my veins. This was really happening. Matt was about to kiss me. I dropped my eyes closed and brought my hand up to the back of his neck. His lips fell against mine and I literally swooned. His mouth was warm and welcoming. One hand wrapped around my waist, and he pulled me closer so I was pressed against his body.

It was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced in my life. I forgot that there was a party going on just a little ways away from us. Nothing else mattered in the world right then but his mouth on mine.

I put Sophie to bed an hour ago. I am anxious to get my letter started, but as I sit here at the desk with a notebook in front of me and a pen poised in my hand, I realize I don’t know what to say. I have so many thoughts stewing in my mind. I’ve had a year to think about how much I miss him and remember everything we had been through. I have no idea where to start. Matt was the one who always knew just how to put his feelings into words. I am more the ‘ramble on and hope you understand what I’m trying to say’ type.

Finally, I take a deep breath, push the pen against the paper, and just start writing.

Dear Matt,

I think it goes without saying that I miss you. So much that some days it feels like my heart might stop beating from it. I wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t breathe knowing you aren’t next to me. I don’t know how people deal with this kind of loss. How do you keep living when a piece of you is missing?

I know I have been failing you with the way I act toward Sophie. You would be so ashamed, and at times, I find myself actually happy that you aren’t here to see how indifferent I am toward the little miracle we created out of love. She’s absolutely gorgeous and so funny. She has a little personality of her own. And she’s so smart. She reminds me so much of you. I hear you in her laugh. I see you when she smiles so big it reaches her eyes. I see your stubborn attitude when she’s tired but refuses to sleep.

I know all of these things should make me happy. I should realize how lucky I am to have a little you with me wherever I go, but it just makes me sick to my stomach knowing that it’s NOT you. I love Sophie, but it’s not the same thing as having you. I know, it should be better and I feel like I’ve failed all three of us for thinking any differently.

I hate it. I hate that she doesn’t bring me joy. I hate that I can’t feel attached to her. I hate that I miss you more than I love her. A shrink would probably call it Post-Partum Depression. I get it. Really. It’s not exactly common practice to go around diagnosing people with a broken heart.

I’m not the only one who misses you. Mitch looks lost some days. You were his best friend in the whole world. He comes over at least once a week to see me and the baby. He’s doing pretty well now. He went through a rough time last year. He started drinking really bad and wouldn’t talk to anyone. We all banded together and pulled him out of it. He’s doing better than ever now. He got a promotion at work. He’s talking about going to school next year to be a graphic designer. He’ll be great at it.

He makes me sad, too. He always pops off with one of your inside jokes, or he’ll say something and it’s like you’re sitting right next to me. You two weren’t just friends. You were brothers. He met a girl last month. She’s really nice. Her name is Sydney. You’d like her. She’s sarcastic and witty. She’s basically Mitch with boobs.

Your mom is so amazing. She is the perfect doting Grandma. She is constantly showering Sophie with gifts and she can’t stop kissing her little face when she’s around. Wish I had your mom’s strength. She has handled all of this with grace. It’s hard on her, but she’s pulled through it like a trooper. She is there for anything I ever need. I would be lost without her.

Your dad and the girls are doing well. The girls are getting so big. They’re so smart. Mack is as goofy as ever, and Madison is still so serious. I hope she grows out of it. There’s nothing wrong with being prim and proper sometimes, but Madison needs to let loose. I hope she learns there’s more to life than making sure everything is in its proper place. The world is a scary place and it’s important to have fun.

It makes me sad that they won’t have you there to guide them as they grow up, but I know they will both turn out just fine. They had your example to follow for the first part of their life. I hope they take with them everything you taught them. I know they are sad that you’re gone, but I hope they aren’t afraid to love with all their heart when they grow up. They’ll end up with someone who loves them as much as you loved me. I’ll make sure of it.

Anyway, I’m just writing this to tell you that I love you and I miss you. I know I can’t have a future with you, but I am beyond grateful for the past we shared.

I love you.

Love, Jaden

I sit back and look at the words I have scrawled across the page. My thoughts are all jumbled and I know I rambled on a lot, but I just wrote what was in my heart. There are tear stains on the paper from when the emotions became too much and spilled onto the paper. My hand is cramped and my heart feels heavy. But my head is clear. I feel a sense of relief knowing that I have found a way to tell Matt what is on my mind, even if he will never read the letters.