Letters From The Ledge (28 page)

Find someone who makes your mouth go dry and kiss her and give your heart to her and don’t let her go. Promise me you will. Please.

“I have to go Tess. I love you, but I have to go.”

He turned around and walked back down the hill, out the wide iron gates, and past the spot where Peggy’s cart usually sat. He dried his eyes and didn’t look back.

"I look at you and I see two men:

The man you are, and the man you oughtta be.

Someday those two men will meet,

and it should make for one hell of a football player."

-
The Replacements

When Nate finished signing the papers, the realtor held a set of keys poised above his hand. He turned it over she dropped them in, the clinking sound amplified in his brain.

“Well, Mr. Banks, you’re all set. One fully-furnished, two-bedroom apartment on a month-to-month lease.”

He sighed. “Thanks Melissa. It’s been a pleasure.” He stuck out his hand and she smiled seductively as she took it gently.

“Are you sure I can’t stick around, give you the full tour? I put a bottle of champagne in the fridge. We could…celebrate this gorgeous view.”

She wasn’t looking out the window, and Nate looked away. “Um. Thanks but–no.”

The corners of her mouth turned down in disappointment. “Well, maybe some other time then.” She got up to leave. “You’ve got my card.”

He picked it up and turned it over in his hand absently. “Yeah. Thanks.”

He looked around the bright, empty space that was sparsely decorated with leather furniture and glass-topped tables and thought it looked every bit the bachelor pad. He’d pulled from his trust fund for the security deposit and first three months’ rent, as he fully intended to continue to pay his portion of the apartment he shared with Paige, even if he wouldn’t be living there anymore. This place was bigger, nicer, close to his office and far from any kind of a view of Frank Evans’ apartment. Who knew? Maybe someday she’d agree to move a little farther uptown.

He heard the door close behind a disappointed Melissa and let his breath out. He couldn’t think about someday. He just had to make it through the weekend.

When he got back to their apartment, Paige was at the sink, washing dishes.

“Hey!” She looked back briefly and smiled, but went right back to her task.

He stood there, watching her, as he’d done so many times, and wondered how in the world he’d get through just one night, let alone every night, without holding her. She was still so fragile at times, but she was right–she had to be allowed to deal with it on her own time, at her own pace. Now, with the Frank part done, she was safer at least, although the thought of Kevin having her all to himself made his blood boil. Still, he was resolute. She had to be allowed to choose. And with any luck, she’d still let him date her…

He slid his arms in behind her, kissed her neck and started to cry.

She turned into him and held onto his neck. "What is it? What’s wrong?"

"Sit down, Paige."

He led her over to the couch where she did what she was told.

"I’ve…been doing a lot of thinking lately.”

She looked suddenly terrified. “Nate you don’t cry. Like,
ever
. What’s wrong?”

“You know how I’ve been spending more time with Brendan lately, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, he and I had a really good talk recently. You know me, I was trying to give him advice about his future and I thought we were talking about him the whole time.”

She blinked, utterly confused. “But…”

“But suddenly so many things became clear about
me
. And you. Me and you. You and I."

"Us. I got it. Now what’s wrong?"

She was understandably impatient, but he had to find the right way to say it.

"You remember Top Gun?"

She nodded. "Tom Cruise, volleyball, fighter pilots…"

"Right. Remember the scene where Cougar goes into the commander’s office and turns in his wings? He says something about almost orphaning his kid and he’s never even seen him?"

Paige nodded silently.

"Then he says–” Nate’s jaw clenched up as he tried to get the next sentence out. “Then he says…‘I’m holding on too tight. I’ve lost the edge.’ Well, that’s what I realized. I’ve lost the edge, Paige."

She looked at him as if he either had a fever or three heads. "Excuse me?"

"I’ve been holding too tightly–to you." He swallowed hard, but the lump wouldn’t go down. He couldn’t believe he was saying this. "And I need to let you go."

"What?!" She was furious and shocked and incredibly wounded all at once.

"No no no!” He put his hands up. “I don’t
want
to let you go. I need to be
able
to let you go."

Paige looked at him closely. "Have you been drinking?"

"No–just thinking."

"Can we back up a little then? Are you–breaking up with me?"

Nate shook his head. "No. God, no." He pulled his keys out of his pocket and laid them on the table. "But I am moving out."

"What? Why?" He could tell she was holding on to the edge of herself. He took her hands in his and leaned in until their foreheads were touching. "I love you, God I love you so, so much. You know this. I know you know this. But I can’t keep holding on so tight. You won’t be able to breathe right. Even if you do love me in return, it’s not right for me to give you so little space to be your own person. When we walked out of Frank’s office the other day I started spouting demands like a crazy person! I don’t want to be that guy."

"But you were right about Frank."

"Still. It wasn’t my place to demand those things from you. I can’t keep trying to possess you and I don’t want to. I want-” He struggled hard to maintain composure. “I want you to come to me when you’re ready–when you want it as much as I do. And until that happens, I think we should just date, but maybe not live together."

“You don’t…like living together?”

“No Paige, no. That’s not it. I like it
too
much. I want…too much from you. Things you aren’t ready for and I know that and I love you enough to wait for you–for as long as it takes I’ll wait for you.”

“But…”

“But when we were in the bathroom of the restaurant the night that I told you about Frank beating up on Brendan. You said something that hit me right here.” He pointed to the middle of his chest. “You said you could see what it was doing to me, and until you said that I couldn’t see it for myself. Not at all.”

She didn’t say a word. She just sat there trying to process what he was telling her.

“I
have
been listening, Paige. When you said that I try too hard, and that I’m always trying to gauge your reactions and adjust my responses. You were right. It is…kind of exhausting.”

She shook her head slowly, trying to clear the dazed look from her eyes. "Wow. Of all the possibilities you could’ve come up with, I never would have dreamed this would be an option you’d consider."

"I couldn’t think of any other way to fix it.” His shoulders shrugged up slightly. “I figured you’d be relieved."

"Not relieved." She shook her head. "A little rejected, maybe, but definitely not relieved."

He looked at his shoes. "This is not a rejection, Paige. Please, don’t think that way."

"Ok, but you have to admit, it feels a little like an early eighties greeting card." She smiled and tried to lift his face with her hands. "If you love something, set it free…that was supposed to be funny. It went along with the Top Gun reference. Well, same decade, anyway."

He pleaded with his eyes. "I love you Paige. With everything I am, I love you. I’m just… trying to be the kind of man you deserve."

She shook her head. "You’re already more than I ever hoped for."

"That’s sweet of you to say, but we both know things aren’t quite right between us. I’m hoping some distance will pull us together."

"You realize how backwards that sounds."

"I do."

They sat in comfortable silence for a while.

"Where will you go?" she asked.

"I’ve found a short term, furnished apartment and it’s available immediately. I’ll start moving my stuff out tomorrow, if that’s ok with you."

"There’s no one else?"

He blinked back his horror. "Absolutely not! And I am in
no way
suggesting we date other people. I want us to date each other–exclusively." He tried to stop the rush of passionate declaration and then shook his head, slightly defeated. “See? That’s what I mean. If…if you want to discuss seeing other people–”

“Shh!” She put her finger over his lips. “That’s not what I want either.”

His relief was palpable.

“Dating, huh?” She looked up at him. “What’s that even supposed to look like when you’ve lived together and slept together and fought together for over two years already?"

Nate was quiet for a minute. It was a really good question. "I’m not sure, but I’m willing to find out if you are. Maybe we could…define some terms–set some boundaries? You tell me. Whatever you need."

She closed her eyes, leaning in to kiss him. "I just have one question."

"What’s that?"

"Are sleepovers allowed?"

He grinned, pulling her into his arms. "I think that could definitely be up for negotiation."

__________

Brendan scanned the audience furiously as he sat on the stage, waiting for his name to be called. His mother was there, and his aunt and her husband, two of his cousins and his one surviving grandparent on his mother’s side, although why they’d given her a one-day pass from the loony bin for this he couldn’t quite understand. For a few strange, awkward seconds he thought about his birth mother, and wondered where she was. Maybe one day he’d look, but just now it wasn’t her presence he was missing.

Finally he spotted Nate in the crowd. Next to Nate was a beautiful blond who Brendan assumed must be his girlfriend, and next to them it didn’t matter who was in the audience. The actual walk and tassel moving was more of a relief than anything else. When it was over there was a large reception in the adjoining hall, so that parents and graduates could find one another again, congratulations could be offered, and watered down Kool-Aid was served with cardboard cookies.

To Brendan’s surprise, Nate stuck around, and was waiting for him when he walked in. Nate stuck out his hand, but Brendan nearly bowled him over with a hug.

"I’m so glad you came! I wasn’t sure you would."

Nate grinned. "And miss this? Not on your life!"

"Where’s your blond?"

"She–had to be somewhere. She said to say congratulations."

Brendan tilted his head to one side. "Are you guys ok?"

"I’m moving out."

"Oh. Sorry, man. Your call or hers?"

"It was actually my choice. Part of my ‘new plan’–how to be less of a shit-head in one easy lesson."

"I’ll drink to that." Brendan grinned. Nate narrowed his eyes until Brendan punched him in the arm. "I’m kidding!"

"You still clean?"

Brendan shrugged without apology. "Fairly."

Nate nodded. "Where’s your mom?"

Brendan did a quick survey of his immediate surroundings. "I don’t know. Around here somewhere I guess."

"Still going to Europe?"

"Yup. I leave tomorrow morning.”

"You haven’t told them yet, have you?"

Brendan shook his head. “Nope."

Nate thought about that for a minute. “Are you coming back?”

Brendan’s eyes were serious. “I don’t know, can I crash on your couch if I do?”

"Tell you what–
when
you get back,
if
you’re still clean, you can stay with me for a little while, and I’ll try to help you figure out a better, more long-term solution."

Brendan didn’t try to hide his shock. "Really? I–I was kidding."

Nate’s face didn’t move a muscle. "Dead serious."

"Question."

"Yeah?" Nate figured on this one coming sooner rather than later.

Brendan set his feet in a wide stance and folded his blue, silk-covered arms across his chest. "I just can’t figure this out. I’ve been over it a million times. I mean, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I still don’t get it. Why? Why me?”

It was exactly the question Sarah had asked him, months ago. He didn’t know why then, but he sure knew it now. Nate didn’t answer at first. He was just staring back at Brendan with a weird look on his face, as if he was deliberating.

“I mean, I know I’m cute and all and you like my smile, but you sure don’t have any reason to put yourself out there for me.” Brendan grinned, trying for levity but hoping for a straight answer. “So, what’s the deal?"

Nate took a deep breath in. "When I look at you, I can see your future Brendan."

Brendan laughed loudly. “What, you wanna read my palm next?" He stuck out his hand and the blue gown slid up past his forearms. Unfortunately, his shirtsleeve also pulled up a little too much, revealing a scar too low to be easily hidden. Brendan watched Nate’s eyes flicker, but otherwise he acted like he didn’t notice. If anything it seemed to increase his intensity.

"I see incredible potential in you Brendan, and I
love
betting against the odds.”

He seemed to be deciding how to phrase his next statement, so Brendan kept quiet.

“A lot of guys invest in
stuff
– cars, toys, stocks, bonds…but those are just things. I prefer to invest in people.” He was staring at Brendan so intensely that it started to get uncomfortable. He was held there, mesmerized by the intensity of it all. “I believe in you, and I think you’re worth the risk."

Brendan laughed again. “Ok, Yoda.”

Nate’s face was unchanged. Brendan blinked a couple of times. He thought about that–someone believing in him. Sarah had said the same thing. The thing he had to figure out though, the thing driving him to get on that plane in the morning, was whether or not he believed in himself. Nate seemed to know that, and was still ok with it.

Brendan swallowed hard. "It’s gonna be a long road, you know that, right?"

Nate stood firm, ready for the challenge. "I’ll be here when you get back."

"Thanks."

"Congratulations." The two men shook hands and Nate produced an envelope. “For your trip."

"You didn’t have to do that."

"I know."

Brendan watched Nate walk away and turned around just in time to see his mother and his aunt coming toward him.