Lessons in Rule-Breaking (11 page)

He sat up, turning to fully face her and brushing his hands together before carefully laying them on his lap. ‘Yeah, well, in my experience some journalists make it their life’s work to root out your most embarrassing secrets just to sell a few papers and get their byline next to the story.’

‘You have some
embarrassing
secrets? Can you tell me about
those
so I can cash in and make my fortune?’ she said, willing a gleam of mischief into her expression.

He raised an eyebrow at her, but smiled. ‘I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours,’ he said, leaning forward so their eyes were on a level.

The smile dropped from her face as she struggled to deal with his sudden closeness. That feeling was back, the one from earlier, when she’d thought he was going to kiss her.

His gaze flicked from her eyes to her mouth and the surge of need to be kissed nearly made her crumple in a heap. She throbbed with it.

As if sensing her desperate want, he leant in farther, his seductive gaze locked with hers, closing the distance between them.

Her breath came shallow and fast from her lungs and her heart raced in her chest as his mouth came so close to hers she could feel the whisper of his breath on her lips.

She was frozen. Captivated. Caught. She dared not move a muscle in case she turned to dust in front of him.

‘What do you want from me, Jess?’ he murmured against her mouth so she felt the vibration of the sound on her skin and right down to her toes.

Closing her eyes, she grasped for a thin thread of courage to say what she wanted out loud, but the words wouldn’t come. They were stuck hard in the back of her throat.

Say it, Jess. Stop being such a coward and say it.

‘I want to touch you,’ she whispered. ‘I want to know what your body feels like.’

Opening her eyes, she saw he was looking at her intently. There wasn’t a trace of the condescension she’d expected to see, only acceptance and approval.

‘Go ahead.’ He drew back quickly from her, leaving a chasm of cool air where he’d once been and tugged his shirt over his head, revealing his amazing body.

Taking a deep, shaking breath, she stared at him in shock for a moment, her brain taking a second to catch up with the sudden and stupefying turn of events. Had he really just offered up his body for her to fondle?

Please
let it be so.

‘Go on,’ he urged, taking one of her trembling hands in his and placing it against his warm chest.

His skin almost glowed in the lamplight, and it felt as soft as she’d imagined, more so if that was possible, and the hard muscle underneath moved gently under her touch as he readjusted his position.

Putting his hand over the back of hers, he lay back on the rug, pulling her with him so she had to kneel up and lean over him.

He nodded at her as if urging her on and she slowly moved her hand down his chest to the top of his stomach where the muscles swelled against his skin like perfectly formed moguls.

‘Is it everything you expected?’ he murmured, giving her a slow smile that made the blood rush and fizz between her legs.

‘Uh-huh,’ was all she managed as her whole body shook with the effort of not collapsing against him.

‘Okay, my turn.’

Before she knew what was happening, he sat up, grasping her shoulders and flipping her onto her back underneath him, trapping her legs between his knees and her wrists in his hands.

‘Just say the word, Jess, and I’ll let you go.’ He leant in closer. ‘But please don’t,’ he begged. ‘I think I’m going to go crazy if I don’t get to touch you.’

She just stared up at him, befuddled and entranced by the fact that
she had the ability to drive him crazy.

Had the world gone mad? Since when did she get to hold the cards with a man like this?

Since now, Jess.

He took her silence as consent and released her wrists so he could use his hands to stroke along the tops of her shoulders, before sweeping down and pushing up the sleeves of her top to uncover her arms.

It had been such a long time since she’d been touched like this that her body nearly melted with joy.

His touch was feather-light and slow, his fingertips sweeping over every inch of her bare arms, tracing the lines between her muscles and pausing on one of the many dark moles on her skin.

‘I love this mole here,’ he said, quietly. ‘It’s such a perfectly round shape. Beautiful.’ Moving on down her arms, he dipped his fingers into the well of her inner elbows. ‘Your skin is so soft,’ he said, swirling the pads of his fingers around the sensitive skin there until she thought she’d go crazy with it.

‘You have an amazing body, Jess,’ he said, his gaze moving down to take in the swell of her breasts as they pushed against her new—lucky—red top. ‘I’ve been thinking about it all day.’

Had he
really
?

Shuffling down her body, he moved one of his knees to release her legs, pushing it instead between her thighs to open her up to him.

Her heart raged in her chest as she realised what he was about to do, his hand dipping down to caress the soft skin of her inner thigh that her skirt didn’t cover.

‘Wait,’ she whispered so quietly he couldn’t have heard her.

Both of his hands were between her legs now, making gentle stroking sweeps up from her knees to the soft plumpness of her inner thighs, his thumbs drawing erotic figures of eight across her flesh.

Great crashing waves of need flowed over her, making the space between her legs ache and pulse with the demand to be touched.

Any second now, he’d move higher, to the line of her knickers, then higher... The thought brought her crashing back down to earth.

‘No.’ Her voice was loud this time, loud enough to make him pause in what he was doing.

‘Jess?’ His own voice was ragged and low and not at all steady. ‘What’s wrong?’

Shuffling back away from his touch, she pulled her skirt down hard to her knees before scrambling to get up. Her legs were like jelly as she backed away from him, stumbling on the uneven ground.

‘Jess? Where are you going?’ His voice was filled with genuine shock and concern.

‘I have to... I need to...’ She couldn’t form the words. They wouldn’t come. She had to get out of there but she couldn’t tell him why. She just couldn’t. It was too humiliating.

* * *

Xander stared after Jess’s retreating figure until she was swallowed up by the darkness.

He’d never been so frustrated in his life. His hands shook with the need to touch her again and the hard press of his erection against his trousers was almost painful.

He’d thought he was starting to get through to her, to help her realise just how sexy and attractive she really was, but she’d thrown up her wall again and he’d run right into it.

Goddamn it.

Perhaps he’d pushed her too hard too soon? But he couldn’t see how that could be the case. He’d been taking it
way
slower than he wanted to and she’d been there with him right up until the end.

The eating disorder had obviously had a huge psychological effect on the way she saw her own body, because from what he’d seen she had a fantastic figure, all soft curves in the right places but toned and sculpted from regular exercise. Out of bounds, though, obviously.

He knew he should leave it at that. He shouldn’t be doing this with someone like Jess when he had nothing more than his body to offer her, but he couldn’t stop himself. Didn’t want to. He felt some deep connection with her that he’d never experienced with anyone before and he wanted to explore it more. Despite her reluctance.

Was she afraid of what was happening between them and protecting herself? He couldn’t blame her; he didn’t exactly have a great reputation when it came to women and relationships.

But Jess wasn’t like the other women he’d dated.

This felt more special, more real. Partly because he was having to work hard to get her to trust him, but also because he wanted her to understand where he came from.

He wanted her approval.

And he wanted to go after her—like nothing he’d ever wanted before. He sensed she was worried about what was happening between them and he wanted to reassure her that there was nothing to be afraid of.

Jumping up, he pulled his shirt back on before heading off in the direction she’d disappeared.

There was no way in
hell
he was giving up on her now.

SIX

She was such
a coward.

Jess slammed the door to her room hard in frustration. What the hell was she doing running away from Xander like that?

Truth was, she’d never had a one-night stand in her life and the thought of it petrified her. Especially with someone as
intensely male
as him.

She was scared of not being able to give him what he expected from her.

He must be used to bedding sexually confident women with their lithe, toned bodies and dexterity in the bedroom and he was going to be mightily disappointed when he found out how useless she was in bed.

A loud knock at the door made her jump in fright.

That couldn’t be him, could it? Surely he’d realised by now she wasn’t the type of woman he should be wasting his time with? He’d given her so many opportunities to take him up on his sexual invitations and she’d blown every one of them. He must be mightily bored with her inability to take the initiative by now.

She paused on the way to answer the door as an uncomfortable notion struck her. Perhaps he thought she was playing hard to get?

Had she really given him that impression?

She thought back to all the teasing and flirting she’d allowed herself to indulge in over the last couple of days.

Yup, she probably had.

Swinging the door open, she found him standing there with his thumbs casually hooked into the belt loops of his jeans, like some vision from an advert for sex. Pushing her shoulders back, she attempted to convey cool control, all the while shaking in her shoes.

‘What do you want?’ she asked, her voice low and husky with nerves.

‘I want
you
,’ he said quietly and she sucked in a sharp breath as he suddenly advanced towards her, placing a hand each side of her jaw and pulling her towards him, his mouth pressing hard against hers before she could stop him.

His lips crushed her mouth, soft, yet hard with hunger as he forced her lips open so he could slide his tongue between them. He tasted delicious, like the most delectable main course and the sweetest dessert all wrapped up in one sensational feast.

Sliding his hands under her buttocks, he lifted her up against him and she felt the rigid length of his erection press against the agonisingly sensitised nerves between her legs.

She groaned low in her throat as he slammed her against the wall and pushed against her, increasing the delicious friction between their bodies.

‘I want you like this, Jess, just like this, fast and hard against the wall,’ he murmured against her mouth, his fingers slipping into her hair, holding her captive. ‘Then afterwards, slow and long...sliding into you over and over again.’

She nearly stopped breathing as the sound of those words washed over her, drenching her to her quivering bones. But she couldn’t let him expect that might happen.

She
couldn’t
.

Putting both hands against his shoulders, she pushed him away from her hard.

He stumbled back, catching himself before he fell against the bed and staring at her with a bewildered expression.

She wanted to cry.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry.’

* * *

‘Jess, what is it?’ Xander took a step towards her but stopped his advance when she shrank against the wall.

‘I...don’t want to disappoint you,’ she said so quietly he almost missed it.

He stared at her, baffled. ‘You won’t.’

Moving towards her again, slowly this time, he wrapped his hands around her upper arms and manoeuvred her over to the bed, pushing her down gently to sit on it and kneeling in front of her between her thighs.

Their eyes were on a level and she gazed into his as he drew closer to her, their lips only centimetres apart.

‘This is just another barrier you’re throwing up.’ He put a hand under her chin and forced her to look at him. ‘I know you want me, Jess. I can see it in your eyes.’

She stared at him, her eyes wild. ‘I don’t think it’s a good idea, Xander.’

He snorted and pushed himself up to standing, moving away from her. He’d never met anyone so wary about sleeping with him. Perhaps his damn reputation was getting in the way here? She seemed pretty hung up on how he ran his sex life.

‘Are you scared of me?’

The question seemed to shock her. Scrambling backwards onto the bed, she curled her arms around her drawn-up legs, staring at him, frowning hard. ‘Of course I’m not scared of you.’

‘Then what is it?’

‘I just don’t need any more complications in my life right now.’

‘Why does this need to be complicated?’

‘I’m not the sort of person that sleeps around for fun, Xander. It’s not my thing.’

‘How can having a night of hot, meaningless sex with me not be your “thing”?’ he said. ‘It seems to me you’re severely lacking
something
,
because you’re clearly not happy.’

She frowned hard. ‘I don’t need sex to be happy.’

He threw her a scathing look.

‘I don’t,’ she said, giving herself away with the wobble in her voice.

‘So you’re totally fine without any affection, are you? Without allowing yourself the odd night of crazy, random fun, just for the hell of it?’

‘Yes.’ She tried to push her shoulders back and give it some front but she was obviously too tense to make it work and sank back into her crouch again.

She looked younger, smaller and more vulnerable like that and a sudden raging need to protect her came out of left field. He sat back down on the end of the bed so he wasn’t towering above her any more.

‘Why did you say you’re worried about disappointing me?’

She huffed out a sigh and shook her head. ‘Come on, Xander, you know what I’m talking about.’

Twisting onto his knees, he moved up the bed and slid into the space next to her, close enough to smell the heady scent of her perfume.

‘I’m not even
remotely
like the women you usually date.’

‘Perhaps that’s why I like you so much.’

‘You
like
me?’

‘Believe it or not, I like your company. You’re the most genuine, interesting,
surprising
person I’ve met in a long time. And correct me if I’m wrong, but I think you’ve got a thing for me, too, despite your misgivings,’ he said, flashing her a grin. He was being totally honest with her here and he hoped to God he hadn’t read the situation wrong.

He really wanted this thing between them to grow and develop. She was all he could think about at the moment and he wanted her. Badly.

The corner of her mouth twitched up into a smile. ‘Okay, I admit, I like being around you. You can be good fun when you’re not trying to trip me up with your
massive ego
.’

The little minx.

Before she could react, he moved towards her, pulling her arms from around her body and hooking one knee over her legs, while simultaneously trapping her wrists against the bed behind her—imprisoning her beneath him.

‘Maybe you should let go of that disabling control and do something crazy for once. Just for the hell of it,’ he murmured, gazing down at those captivating eyes of hers as he dipped his mouth towards her.

‘Wait. Xander.’

He paused midway to her lips and waited for her to finish her sentence, feeling her breath hot and sweet on his skin.

She screwed up her eyes, as if she had to pretend he wasn’t there in order to get the words out. ‘I don’t find it easy to orgasm. I’m too self-aware.’ Her cheeks flushed with mortification. ‘I’m useless in bed. That’s why I’ll disappoint you.’

When she opened her eyes, all he could do was stare at her in disbelief. ‘Who on earth told you that?’

She looked up at him, barely able to meet his gaze. ‘The last guy I had a relationship with. But I’ve always been unsure of myself where sex is concerned,’ she rushed on. ‘I don’t exactly have a lot of experience.’ She looked away from him again, her face pale now.

He stared at her in silence for a moment, feeling inexplicably angry. ‘What a jerk.’ No wonder she was so afraid of letting him get physical with her. Who said things like that to someone they were meant to care about? Even though he’d never allowed himself to get emotionally close to any of the women he’d slept with, he’d never dream of being so callous and cruel to them. The guy clearly hadn’t bothered to get to know Jess very well if he couldn’t see how saying something like that to her would destroy her fragile confidence.

‘I guess my inability to enjoy sex with him must have fed into his deepest insecurities about not being man enough or something,’ she said, looking at him now with shame in her eyes.

‘Clearly he
wasn’t
man enough.’

She gave him a tentative smile back and something tightened in his chest.

‘Yeah. Maybe.’

‘Jess, listen, I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t want to walk away now, leaving you believing you’ll never enjoy or be good at sex. Give me the opportunity to change your mind.’

He wanted to give her this—a chance to step out from behind that cloud of doubt that followed her around and to feel the sunshine on her face for once. He knew his strengths and weaknesses, and while he couldn’t offer her a hearts-and-flowers relationship, he was more than qualified to show her a good time in the sack.

‘You like a challenge, don’t you?’ she said, the corner of her mouth twitching.

He put a hand up to her face and stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers.

‘Trust me, Jess, you won’t regret it.’

* * *

Jess stared at him and thought about how much she wanted to let herself have him—have this—and how she needed to start taking risks in her life if she was ever going to start really
living
.

‘Tonight doesn’t have to mean anything, Jess. Just think of it as a blip in the timeline. A chance to step out of yourself for a few hours. You can button yourself right back up again afterwards if you want.’ He shot her a playful grin. ‘Give me the chance to prove to you that sex can be more fun than you think.’

Her blood pulsed hard through her veins, the crazy adrenaline rush making her head spin. There was a good chance she’d go loopy if she didn’t let this happen. The regret would stay with her till her dying day.

After all, she’d come here determined to get some new experiences out of the trip and he was offering her something incredible—a no-strings night and his heavenly body on a plate.

Her deeply ingrained insecurities waged war with her libido.

She wanted to, but the thought of him seeing her naked terrified her.

‘You can’t take all my clothes off and it has to be dark,’ she stated, wondering if she was pushing things a bit too far. Surely he’d get fed up with it all soon and get up and leave. That was what most men would do.

But Xander wasn’t most men.

He raised an eyebrow. ‘You’re determined to throw every single obstacle in my way, aren’t you?’ Lifting a hand, he trapped a curl of her hair between his fingers and gave it a gentle tug before wrapping it around her ear. ‘It’s a good job I relish a challenge.’

He leant across and turned off the lamp next to the bed, plunging the room into darkness.

He wasn’t giving her any time to back out.

She felt him shift his position on the bed next to her and wished for a second she hadn’t insisted on turning off the light. Suddenly a layer of control had gone. If she couldn’t see him, she couldn’t pre-empt what he was going to do and stop him.

Man, she was strung out. There was no way he was getting an orgasm out of her tonight. The thought made her even more tense. A vicious circle.

He obviously sensed her growing panic because he laid a hand gently on her foot. ‘Jess. Relax. It’s going to be okay.’ Xander’s words twisted through her head and she clung onto the sound of his voice to steady herself.

Pushing herself up onto her elbows, she tried to locate him in the gloom. She could make out the general shape of him, but no details. ‘I apologise in advance if it takes me a while to...you know,’ she said quickly, before the insecurity won and muted her.

‘Don’t worry, we have all night.’ Her whole body responded to his seductive tone with an intense shiver from her ears right down to her toes. ‘Trust me, okay? Just trust me. This is about
you
tonight. I don’t want you to worry about me. I want to do this for you. I’m going to enjoy it.’

Oh. My. God.

‘Lie back,’ he said, skating his hands gently, oh, so gently, up her thighs.

It would be so much easier if she just got up and left right now, but she couldn’t do it. Didn’t want to. Wouldn’t let herself. Not this time.

He had her pinned there with the sheer force of his magnetism.

Moving his hands slowly under her skirt to the apex of her thighs, testing her reaction inch by inch, he eventually encountered her knickers.

Biting down on her lip to stop herself from asking him to stop, Jess allowed him to slide his thumbs inside the leg holes, close, so close to where her body throbbed and buzzed with the heat he’d continually triggered in her ever since she’d arrived here.

Closing her eyes, she raised her hips and let him slide her knickers down her legs, feeling the pads of his fingers trail from the tops of her thighs, right down to her ankles, his touch leaving a burning trail along her skin.

Sucking in a breath, she waited—the anticipation of his next move making her blood pulse hot and fast through her body.

‘Tell me what you like, Jess. Where you want to be touched.’ His voice rumbled through her.

‘I don’t know. I don’t know what I like,’ she whispered, so glad he couldn’t see how hard she was blushing. She was amazed he hadn’t commented on how hot it was in the room—how she seemed to be giving off more heat than the national grid.

‘Okay, let’s experiment. You tell me when I’m hitting the right spots.’

Before she had chance to process what he’d said, she felt a movement of air on her legs and the bed dipped underneath her. A second later, his breath tickled the now hypersensitive skin of her inner thigh before he dropped his head to kiss her there, right below the juncture of her thighs.