Lesser Gods (56 page)

“I killed him, Cindy,” I said hoarsely, relieved that I could finally tell someone. “I killed Mr. Simms.”

“But... I don’t understand,” said Cindy, looking at me in disbelief. “Why?”

I told her. I explained about how the Slayer Charles had taken care of me, and how he had removed the bullet from my leg and cleaned the wound. I retold Charles’s story about his little sister, and what the Sky Guardians had done to her. And how I learned from Ralph who Mr. Simms really was. And what Mr. Simms had said to me in the tunnel.

“After Alia, I just couldn’t let it go, Cindy,” I said miserably, shaking my head. “Mr. Simms was a monster. I guess I am one too now.”

“Why, Adrian?” asked Cindy. “Because you killed a man?”

“Because I enjoyed it,” I told her. “I don’t expect you to understand that.”

Cindy said gently, “I think you give me much more credit than I deserve, Adrian. Just because I’m not a Knight doesn’t mean I haven’t seen war. I have killed people too. Do you honestly think I don’t know what it feels like to hate? When I killed Alia’s keepers, it wasn’t in self-defense. I didn’t kill them for Alia. I killed them because I hated them.”

“But you regretted it afterwards.”

“You don’t?”

I looked away. “No, Cindy, I don’t. I once thought I did, but I know better now. I’m not sorry for what I did to him. I don’t think I’ll ever be.”

Cindy remained silent, and I decided that as long as I was showing her the darkest part of my heart, she might as well know it all.

“It’s not just Mr. Simms,” I blurted out, my voice beginning to tremble. “I hate them, Cindy. The Angels, the Slayers, the Wolves... I hate them all. I wish I could strangle them to death one at a time with my bare hands. Sometimes, when I’m alone, all I can feel is my hate. I used to believe that even enemies deserved some mercy, but... I’m sorry, Cindy. I just don’t believe it anymore.”

Cindy looked at me for several slow heartbeats, and then whispered sadly, “I see.”

“I honestly wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do.”

“Then I’m truly sorry for you, Adrian, because I love you so much.”

I stared down at my feet. “I can’t help being what I am, Cindy. I would understand if you didn’t want me here anymore.”

I felt Cindy’s arms around me as she whispered into my ear, “Between your sister and Laila, I thought you already had much too much to deal with. I didn’t know about this. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Maybe there’s nothing. One thing’s for sure though: You are not leaving this house, Adrian. I love you.”

I hugged her back. I tried to say that I loved her too, but I was too choked up to speak.

When we broke apart, I looked up at Cindy’s face. She gazed quietly back. Having learned what I had done, what I had become, Cindy still wanted me in her family. I couldn’t say I understood her, but it was the first true release I had felt in longer than I could remember.

Cindy said in a hopeful tone, “You never know. You may yet come to regret what you did... someday.”

I stared down at the floor again and slowly shook my head.

I felt Cindy touch my arm, and she said, “You’re not the first soldier to let a war become personal, you know. I’ve watched many people destroy their lives over feelings they couldn’t control. I hope you don’t end up the same way. But in the meantime, I think you should know that the general consensus among the Council is that if it really was Mr. Simms on that radio, then most likely he got out alive.”

Startled, I looked up at Cindy. “You mean he was taken by the Angels?”

Cindy nodded. “We all agree that’s one possibility, and a dangerous one at that. A few weeks ago, Mr. Baker asked me if he could talk to you directly about your escape. He was worried because Mr. Simms knew many of the Guardians’ secrets regarding New Haven’s security. But I told Mr. Baker no, not wanting you to have to relive that day again.”

That was why Mr. Baker had ambushed me at the party.

“Jack P knew I was lying, didn’t he?” I said. “Why didn’t he say something during my debriefing?”

“He didn’t know you were lying, Adrian. For all Mr. Pearson knew, Mr. Simms might have been unconscious when you passed him in the tunnel. Don’t worry. Nobody knows what really happened down there.”

That didn’t change the fact that Mr. Simms could be in the Angels’ hands. They could be interrogating him right now. Mr. Simms was an excellent blocker, so chances were he would be put through a great deal of pain before he died. That didn’t bother me in the least. But if and when the Angels did get into his mind, there was no telling what advantages they would gain over the Guardians.

I let out a frustrated sigh. “So what I did might have put us all in danger?”

“It’s hard to say, Adrian,” replied Cindy. “We’re not completely sure one way or the other. It’s quite possible that Mr. Simms died in the tunnel.”

I already regretted what I had done to Mr. Simms. I should have put my blast through his skull.

I shook my head in resignation, saying, “I don’t even know how many times I’ve said this anymore, Cindy, but this time I’m really done fighting. I’m resigning my position as Honorary Guardian Knight. I’m done with them.”

“I don’t understand,” said Cindy. “I thought you just said you wanted to fight. To kill the people who–”

“No, Cindy!” I cut across her. “I said I hated them. And I do. If I ever faced them again, I wouldn’t hesitate to kill them. I might even enjoy it. But that doesn’t mean I want to go looking for them. And even if I did, I certainly wouldn’t do it as a Guardian Knight.”

My honorary status made my involvement in Guardian missions entirely voluntary, so technically there were no drawbacks to remaining a Knight, and the pay was good too. But I no longer wanted that title on my name.

I continued, “It might be different if only I could believe that the Guardians were good. But as far as I’m concerned, we’re no different from the Angels. It’s not just about Mr. Simms, Cindy. What I’ve seen of the Guardians these last two years, and what I’ve seen of this conflict in general... I just can’t be a part of it anymore. This isn’t my war. It never was. I may have become a monster, but if I can live in peace, then that’s all I want.”

Cindy smiled. “I’m glad to hear this, Adrian. I hope you find peace. I have a morning meeting with Mr. Baker tomorrow. I’ll tell him if you like.”

“That’ll be fine,” I said.

“You’re sure you want to do this?”

I nodded. I’d have to apologize to Terry about breaking my promise to someday hunt Angels with her, but keeping promises was never one of my strong points anyway.

I forced a smile and said, “Besides, between the Slayers and Mr. Simms, I think I’ve caused enough trouble for the Knights already, don’t you?”

Cindy laughed.

I asked uneasily, “Are you going to tell Mr. Baker what I did?”

Cindy shook her head. “Not unless you want me to.”

I looked at her for a moment. Then I wondered if I really had lost my mind as I replied, “Yes. He should know.”

Cindy looked surprised, but then smiled warmly. “Don’t worry, Adrian. You’re not a monster yet.”

I smiled back at her.

The next day, Cindy had her meeting with Mr. Baker right after breakfast. Before going, she asked me again if it really was okay to let Mr. Baker know what I had done in the tunnel. It was, but I couldn’t help feeling apprehensive about it.

I repeatedly told myself that Mr. Baker had a secret too, and that I shouldn’t be afraid of him. What was the worst he could do to me, anyway? The truth was I didn’t quite know.

I passed the time playing board games with my sister, who had recovered from her cold. Terry was taking the morning off too so she joined us. I wasn’t going to discuss Mr. Simms in front of Alia, but I did tell Terry my decision to permanently leave the Knights. Terry was vocally disappointed, but she seemed to understand.

Cindy returned to the penthouse for lunch and told me that Mr. Baker wanted to see me in person.

“I set up a 2pm appointment for you at his home,” said Cindy. “He’ll probably be rushing between meetings, so please don’t be late.”

“What does he want to see me for, Cindy?” I asked nervously. Was I going to be banished? Jailed?

“He just wants to talk, Adrian,” Cindy replied reassuringly.

Cindy refused to give me details, and I left the penthouse alone to meet my doom.

Ringing Mr. Baker’s doorbell at precisely 2pm, I remembered how Terry had once escorted me here to receive a reprimand from Mr. Baker over my botched handling of a pesky reporter. I had a feeling that this was going to be much worse.

Opening the door, Mr. Baker smiled down at me and said, “Terry has obviously taught you the importance of punctuality. I could set my watch to your arrival.”

Ushering me into his home, he asked me to sit at his coffee table.

“I prefer to stand,” I said.

“Very well,” Mr. Baker said crisply, remaining standing himself. “I called you here to discuss two things today. The first, of course, is what happened between you and Mr. Simms.”

Mr. Baker paused as if to give me a chance to speak first, but I remained silent. I wasn’t here to apologize or make excuses.

Mr. Baker assumed a grandfatherly tone as he said, “Adrian, I knew what kind of man Jason Simms was when I placed him in charge of the Ravens. It might not have been right, but it was necessary for our security to have competent, if even ruthless, warriors on our side.”

I still kept my mouth shut.

Mr. Baker gave me a wry smile and continued, “Mr. Simms perhaps did enjoy his job a little too much. The truth is that I never liked him very much either, and to a point, I understand what you did. You owed the Slayer who helped you. Nevertheless, under normal circumstances, I would not only have to strip you of your honorary title, but possibly even banish you from the Guardians.”

“Will you?” I asked. I didn’t care about the title, which Mr. Baker should know I was giving up anyway, but if I was banished...

“No,” said Mr. Baker. “Just as I need men like Mr. Simms, I also need you.”

I bristled at the comparison, probably because it rang true. But then I realized what he meant. “Because of Cindy.”

Mr. Baker nodded. “I need Cindy, and therefore I need you as well. Cindy wants you in her home, and I believe that you are happy there, yes?”

“As happy as I could hope for.”

“I want you to think about that, Adrian,” Mr. Baker said warningly. “I want you to think about that very carefully, because if word ever gets out about what you did, I may have no choice but to remove you from New Haven permanently.”

“I understand,” I replied. “And I’m sorry for putting our security in danger again.”

Mr. Baker stroked his chin. “Ah, well, we still don’t know if Mr. Simms was taken alive. For now, we’ll just keep this our little secret.”

I nodded, and Mr. Baker said, “On to the second point, then. You have asked to have your name stricken from the Honorary Guardian Knight list.”

“That’s right,” I said matter-of-factly.

“Why, might I ask?”

I hesitated. I wasn’t confident I could explain my rationale to Mr. Baker without insulting him.

Mr. Baker said, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you the other day at the party. Your recklessness had once again paid off, but I couldn’t be seen as approving of it.”

“It’s not about that,” I said.

“Then what is it?”

I said slowly, “I’m sorry, Mr. Baker, but I just don’t believe in your cause anymore. I don’t believe in the Guardians’ cause. I had hoped that being a Knight would lead me to my sister. But I’m done chasing her. I just want a normal life back.”

Mr. Baker frowned. “I suppose you’ve always had your own agenda, Adrian. But you know that your title doesn’t require your participation in Knight operations. It would be helpful for me if you were to keep it, at least for the time being.”

I looked curiously at him, and Mr. Baker said, “You don’t have a lot of contact with the other residents of New Haven, so you may not know it, but you’re a bit of a celebrity these days.”

“A celebrity?!” I repeated incredulously. I remembered how Mr. Simms had once called me the “famous Adrian Howell.” Or was it “infamous”?

“Think about it, Adrian,” said Mr. Baker. “You’re a wild-born child psionic, and already a very powerful one at that. You’re the reason Cindy returned to the Guardians. You and Terry saved her from abduction last year. You survived a ruthless band of Slayers against all odds, and just recently, you played an important role in our slaying of the Angel queen.”

When he put it that way, I had to admit that it did sound pretty cool.

Mr. Baker gave me a concerned look and continued, “If you discard your honorary title now, people will wonder why. They will ask why the boy who did so much for us would suddenly refuse to hold a title that symbolizes everything the Guardians strive for. They will ask what manner of dissent is occurring in the residence of the Heart of New Haven, and they will fear for the future of our settlement.”

It was political.

I said uneasily, “I’m just not comfortable with the title, Mr. Baker.”

Mr. Baker dropped the cordial tone. “Then let me be perfectly frank with you, Adrian Howell,” he said severely. “These are volatile times. The Angels are in a frenzy. Their leaders are already beginning to argue, and they know that their time as a unified faction is limited. At any moment, they might attack us in full force. I cannot allow doubt to enter my people. You will play your part if you want to remain in New Haven.”

I stared defiantly back at him. “Let me be equally frank, Mr. Baker,” I hissed. “You knowingly helped me cross into the Angel camp. Cindy doesn’t know it yet, but if she learns that you deliberately risked my life again, a couple of people wondering why I gave up a title would be the least of your troubles. You will let me leave the Knights.”

Cindy knew, of course, that Terry and Alia had helped me make the crossing into the Angel camp, but she still didn’t know of Mr. Baker’s deliberate involvement in my plan.

Mr. Baker shook his head. “You can’t prove that I had any knowledge about what you were up to with Mr. Jenson.”