L'Engle, Madeleine - A Ring of Endless Light (5 page)

called out, "Leo's coming along on his bike. Were you expecting him, Vicky?" Suzy said, "I didn't set a place for him." "I wasn't expecting him." We all watched as Leo jumped off his bike and came panting up to the screened porch. All I could think of was that something else awful must have happened, and then I 69 realized that if it were an emergency Leo would have phoned, instead of biking all the way. "Come in, Leo," Mother called. "Welcome." Leo came up the porch steps, saying, "Hi," and looked at the round table set for dinner. "You're just about to eat and I'm interrupting." "We're in no rush," Mother assured him. "If you haven't had dinner, why don't you join us?" "We've just finished," Leo panted. "While we were eating-that's what I wanted to talk about, and I wanted to talk to you all, so I thought I'd bike over." "Sit down," Daddy ordered. "You must have biked at top speed. You're all out of breath." Leo pulled out a handkerchief and mopped his face, which was red from exertion. "Hey, Leo," John said, "you remember Adam Edding- ton. We're working at the lab together." They said "Hi" to each other and Leo put his damp handkerchief away. "What happened at dinner?" I was sitting on the wicker swing, and he came and sat beside me. "Your friend Zachary Gray came to call on us." "What?" John's voice was loud. "The fink-" Suzy started. "No," Leo broke in. "He came to apologize. He found out about Dad only late yesterday. It must have been a terribly hard thing for him to do, to come to us that way." "Only found out yesterday," John expostulated. "What're you talking about? What'd he come apologize about?" I hadn't told anybody except Grandfather about Zachary; for one thing, there hadn't been time; so now I said, 70 "Okay, John was right. It was Zachary in the sailboat, but he nearly died. And when he was in intensive care in the hospital they didn't tell him about Commander Rodney-I mean, when you're in intensive care all that happens is you get intensively cared tor-" I stopped to catch my breath. "So, then what?" Suzy demanded. "When he got out of intensive care, Mr. Gray didn't want him told because he thought it might make him relapse ..." I thought I heard Suzy mutter to John, "Zachary wouldn't relapse. He wouldn't give a hoot." I didn't want to right in front of Adam and Leo, so I said, "He's a lot more upset about his mother than he lets on." "So who told him about Commander Rodney?" John asked. "And when?" Suzy added. I hated all this. "He said that after he saw us yesterday afternoon something made him wonder and ask some questions, and that's how he found out." Suzy started to speak, but Daddy shushed her. "I see." Nobody asked why Zachary was so dumb with a sailboat, and Grandfather didn't say anything. Neither did I. Enough was enough. Leo put his hand down on the canvas cushion of the swing, so that our fingers touched. He had obviously sensed Suzy's and John's antagonism toward Zachary. "Hey, Zachary was extremely nice, he really was. I mean, it can't have been easy to come to us, after-after everything. He told us that he knew there wasn't anything he could do for us, but he knew that Dad had saved his life, and he 71 would try to make it worth saving. Mom liked him." After a second, he added, "So did I." I looked at Grandfather, but he was looking out at the sky, rosy with afterglow. Did Zachary really mean that? Or was he just trying to ingratiate himself with the Rodneys? But Zachary had never been one to bother ingratiating himself with anyone. And just as he pretended to be less touched by his mother's death than he really was, so maybe he was more upset by the Commander's death than he'd led me to believe. Leo said to Daddy, "He also said that you'd tried to talk sense into him, last summer, to make him take care of his health, and he hadn't always kept his word to you, but now he's really going to try." I'd changed a lot during the past year. Why shouldn't Zachary have changed and grown up, too? I could tell by John's skeptical raising of his eyebrows that he didn't believe all that Zachary had told the Rodneys. I did. Mother said, lightening the charged atmosphere, "Suzy, be an angel and put in the spaghetti and give it a good stir and then set the timer. Oh-and put the big colander in the sink so it'll be there for me when the buzzer goes off." Leo stood up. "Don't take off, Leo. That wasn't a hint for you to go. Stay as long as you like." Suzy went into the kitchen and Leo sat beside me again. "I also wanted you to know, Vicky, that before Zachary came, I talked to Mom about going to Columbia next year, and you were right, she's determined for me to go." "Hey, Leo," John said, "both Adam's parents teach at Columbia, and that's where he grew up, just a few blocks from where we lived last year. Talk about coincidence." 72 "Grandfather says there's no such thing as coincidence," I said, and looked at him. Grandfather's lips quirked into a small smile. "The pattern is closely woven." Adam, who had been silent all through the discussion about Zachary, spoke up. "You really think there's a pattern, sir?" "It seems evident to me." "What does that do to free will?" John asked. "Not a thing. Any one of us can cause changes in the pattern by our responses of love or acceptance or resentment." He held a thin hand out toward Leo. "You're finding that out, aren't you? And your mother. Her response is always on the side of life. She's going back to nursing, isn't she?" "How'd you know!" Leo exclaimed. "I know Nancy Rodney." "You're right about her going back to nursing." Leo still looked at Grandfather bemusedly. "She's going to the mainland to the hospital for a refresher course, and the visiting nurse on the Island's retiring in January, and Mom thinks she can get the post." "Splendid," Daddy applauded. "I've a feeling your mother's an admirable nurse. She has a very special way of inspiring confidence." "My mom's quite something," Leo agreed. "And during the time she has to be on the mainland, Jacky and I can take her over in the morning and bring her home at night. It'll all be in the day's work for us. At first when Mom talked about working again I was dead against it, but she made me see that it will be much better for her than sitting around doing nothing, and as you said, Dr. Austin, 73 she's a good nurse and she knows it, and she said she'd been thinking about it anyhow, now that we're old enough so that we don't need her at home all the time." He stood up again. "I really do have to go. I told Mom and the kids I wouldn't stay long. Thanks for being here when I need you." Suzy came back out. "What's your rush?" "Jack and I have to be up and out before dawn. We have a fishing party from the Inn. My mom's going to go back into nursing, Suzy." "Super! I set the timer, Mother. Ten minutes." "Vicky-" Leo reached for my hand, then didn't take it. "I've got a full rest of the week, but maybe we could do something on Monday? Take a picnic or go to a movie or something?" "Sure," I said. "Give me a ring." "I will. But not with a diamond in it. Not yet." And he rushed off. "Gross," was Suzy's comment. "Didn't think Leo had it in him," was John's. "Seems like an okay guy," was Adam's. "Must be a really rough time for him right now." -He's growing up, I thought. -Does it take something terrible to make someone like Leo grow up? Suzy plunked herself on the floor by Mother's chair. "May I have a sip of your drink?" She sipped and handed the glass back. "And what do you think about Zachary going to the Rodneys'? I don't believe it." "Don't believe he went?" I asked. "Or don't believe what he said?" John asked. "Both. I mean, if I'd been responsible for someone's death I wouldn't go rushing to the family." 74 "He didn't exactly rush," I defended, "and I think he really meant what he said. Give him a chance, for a change." "Why should I?" Suzy demanded. "He's the pits. And I don't want to see him, that's all. If it weren't for Zachary, Commander Rodney would be alive." Before Daddy could speak, to my surprise Adam cut in. "Wait a minute. You can't pile a load of guilt on someone like that." Suzy looked her stubbornest. "It was his fault, wasn't it?" "Suzy," Daddy remonstrated, "we've been through this too many times already. I thought you'd taken in some of the things I said." "I still blame him." She scowled. "And so did Vicky, until it turned out to be her precious Zachary." Before I could think of a response, Adam said, "I don't mean to butt in, but I have to. You can't hindsight that way. When something happens, it happens, and you have to accept it and go on from there. I know that. I know it from personal experience." He spoke with quiet intensity. "But if the boat hadn't capsized-" "The heart attack could have happened while he was weeding the garden," Daddy said. "Adam is right." I could see that Suzy was dying to ask Adam what his personal experience had been, and I knew that John, if not Mother and Daddy, would jump on her if she did. I guess she knew that, too, because she turned away without saying anything more. Grandfather pulled himself up from the couch, sliding Ned from his lap. "Excuse me a minute. I won't be long." He walked toward the kitchen, Ned following and rubbing 75 against his legs. Mother's always been worried about Ned tripping him, but Grandfather says that he and Ned know each other's ways. "You all right, Father?" Mother's voice was calm, but there was anxiety under it. And I noticed that Grandfather was walking more slowly than he used to. "Just want to get something," he called back. "He wants to read us something from a book, I'll bet," I explained to Adam. "Whenever we have an argument about anything, Grandfather has something in a book that settles it, or at least makes us ask some new questions. And in spite of all his books, he knows exactly in which stall and on what shelf every single one is, and what's in it." "What'll it be this time?" Mother asked. "Shakespeare," Suzy said. "Einstein," John said. "Could be the Bible," Daddy added. Grandfather came out with a paperback book. "It's by Elie Wiesel." He riffled through the pages. "It's not quite as pertinent as I thought, but it will do. Adam thus bequeathed us his death, not his sin . . . We do not inherit the sins of our fathers, even though we may be made to endure their punishment. Guilt cannot be transmitted. We are linked to Adam only by his memory, which becomes our own, and by his death, which foreshadows our own. Not by his sin." "Hey, I like that; that's interesting." Adam's face lit up. "What's the book, sir?" he asked. "Messengers of God,about some of the Old Testament characters, not only your-" He frowned slightly. "You're Adam's namesake. What's he to you? What's the opposite 76 of namesake?" He rubbed the heel of his hand across his forehead. "I can't think, I can't think-" I saw Mother looking at him worriedly. "It'll probably come to you at two in the morning, Father." He nodded. "It's a fascinating book, though there are some sections I'd love to argue with him, especially when he writes about what Christians think, which by and large is far from what I think." He turned a few pages. "Here's something else in the Adam chapter that I like. Listen well, young Adam. He had the courage to get up and begin anew . .. As long as he lived . . . victory belonged not to death, but. to him . . , It is not given to man to begin; that privilege is God's alone. But it is given to man to begin again- and he does so every time he chooses to defy death and side with the living." A shadow seemed to move across Adam's face. Then: "I learned that the hard way, but I learned it. Hey, may I borrow that book?" "How'd you-" Suzy started. John shut her up by cutting across her words. "When I'm through with it." Unrepressed, Suzy said, "And all this stuff about man being privileged to start again is very sexist. What about women?" Mother laughed. "Correct me if I'm wrong, Father, but doesn't the Bible say, So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female"?" "That's right," Grandfather corroborated. "So we females are half of mankind, Suzy, and don't let inverse sexism cheat you of your fair share." "Oh-okay." She did not sound convinced. 77 "So," I ventured, "maybe Zachary can begin again?" "I doubt it," John muttered. "Give him a chance, John," Mother said. "Nancy Rodney's doing that, isn't she?" Grandfather said. "If she can give him a chance, I think the rest of us can, too." I looked at him gratefully. "She's giving Zachary a chance, and she's beginning again herself, in going back to nursing. It ought to be going forward to nursing, oughtn't it?" Grandfather had been turning the pages. "One more thing. This is for young Leo." He looked about, as though surprised at not finding Leo, then turned back to the book. "Suffering, in Jewish tradition, confers no privileges. It all depends on what one makes of that suffering. It is possible to suffer and despair an entire lifetime and still not give up the art of laughter." Adam was looking at Grandfather, his lips slightly parted. He seemed to be taking what Grandfather read very personally, and I was as curious as Suzy. "Wiesel knew what he was talking about," Grandfather said. "He survived the hell of Nazi concentration camps and the loss of almost everyone he loved, and yet he somehow or other kept the gift of laughter." "Oh, wow," Suzy said. "Jacky's going to do okay. We had a good time today in spite of-of everything. And we laughed some, too." "Leo and I-" I started, and didn't have to finish, because Suzy said, "I thought you didn't like Leo." "I didn't. Until today. He's not nearly as much of a slob as I thought. We had a good time. We really did. But we didn't do much laughing." 78 "Tears need to come first," Grandfather said softly, just to me. How did he know? He went on, speaking to everybody, "Who was it who said, "i t was by the force of gravity that Satan fell?"Again he pushed the palm of his hand against his forehead. "I'm losing my memory ..." John spoke lightly. " Join the club." Grandfather dropped his hand to his knee. "Gravity and levity-wherever there's laughter, there is heaven. Real laughter, that is, not scornful or cynical laughter." He handed John the book. "Here. But I want it back when you're through." "I'm very reliable about returning books. And I'll vouch for Adam. That is, I'll see to it that he gives it back when he's through." "I'm pretty reliable about books, too," Adam assured him. "Look!" Suzy pointed, and there was Rob, curled up beside Rochester in the corner, sound asleep. Daddy laughed. "We can hardly blame him. That was pretty heavy conversation for a seven-year-old." "Or a thirteen-year-old," Suzy commented. "You held your own." Adam smiled at her. Maybe it was a pretty heavy conversation for a lot of people, but it didn't seem to bother Adam, and that made my heart lift. The buzzer in the