LEIF (Blake Security Book 3) (8 page)

              “Of course not.” I shuddered at any event that could make a person feel that getting fingers burned off was “lucky.”

He gave me that reverent look again like I was a goddess instead of plain old me and held out his arm again. He was so funny and so different from any man I’d ever met. I took his arm—and we went inside. The hostess showed us to our table and asked if we wanted a drink. I ordered an iced tea and Leif ordered the same. Once the hostess left, we stared at each other for a really long time like two fools on a blind date. I had no idea what to say—and I suspected he felt the same.

              “Did Hunter enjoy his birthday?” he finally said.

              I smiled as I thought about my baby…and then I remembered Leif’s card. The smile faded as I said, “Yes, but Leif, please stop sending us money.”

              He actually grinned. “It ain’t really sending you money if you don’t ever cash the checks. When you don’t cash ‘em, they’re just paper.”

              I couldn’t help but smile back at him. He was something else. “You know what I mean. I have a good job and I can take care of my son and me. But even if I couldn’t, we are not your responsibility.”

              “Maybe you are…I mean, maybe if I would have told you as soon as I got that letter that I wasn’t him, you would have been more inclined to file for some of those benefits your baby had coming.”

              “When I was yelling at you that first night at the restaurant, why didn’t you tell me he was married?”

              “It wasn’t my place. That ain’t why I gave you his records either. I just didn’t want you to have to keep hoping that he was gonna come back. I know you don’t believe me, Karli, but I feel terrible for doing that to you for all of those months.”

              “You know what, Leif?” The waitress brought our drinks just then and asked if we were ready to order.

We each picked out something quickly and when she was gone he said, “What?”

              “I do believe you feel bad. I just still don’t understand why you did it, and maybe that’s what is still bothering me the most. I understand that you were far from home and lonely, but pretending to be someone that you’re not, that’s huge.”

              “That first night when I found out he was dead, I sat down to write that letter with every intention of telling you that you’d gotten the wrong guy and the guy you were looking for was dead. I honestly don’t know what came over me. I read that letter of yours so many times and I wished that it was me you were writing to. I hadn’t even seen your picture yet. Your words were like food for my soul—even though I knew they weren’t intended for me. Then I thought about you over here—all alone with a baby—and I lost my mind and told myself if I could help you then what I was doing was justified. It just snowballed from there and kept getting harder to tell you.”               

“So when you came to see me that first time, what was your plan?”

“I didn’t have one.” He laughed nervously again. “I just had to see you in the flesh—just once—and when I did, I knew for sure that I was in love with you.”

              “That’s sweet, Leif…but you don’t really know me. What you’re feeling might be lust or even strong like, but you can’t love someone that you don’t even know.”

              He started to say something, but the waitress brought our food just then. Leif stared at his like there was something wrong with it, and without looking up at all, he started talking again. “I know that your favorite color is red and that you love white orchids. I know your best friend’s name is Sylvie and you’ve been her best friend since high school. I know that you tell her everything. I know that she’s Hunter’s godmother. I know you love your mother and you miss your daddy, but you really like your mother’s new husband. Untamed Heart is your favorite movie, and you have a crush on Christian Slater. Your favorite smell is the ocean, and your least favorite is the swamp in the summer. You love Hunter most in the world, and your greatest fear is something happening to him…Oh Karli, please don’t cry. I’m sorry.” 

              I didn’t even realize that I was. Nobody knew that much about me—except my mother and Sylvie. Men usually didn’t listen that closely or remember any of it later when I talked. 

              “How do you remember all of that? I mean, I just mentioned most of it in passing in those letters.”

              “Everything about you interests me, and I read the letters a lot. Listen Karli, I know that I’m not like other people. I was raised…well, I wasn’t really raised. I was given room and board and not a lot of attention. It made me grow up anxious and obsessive…but the army helped, some. Now I’m mostly just anxious.”

I couldn’t resist, I interrupted and said, “Not obsessive anymore?”

He grinned. “Not as much.”

“Good to know.”

He held the smile for a second and then lost it as he said, “People have been telling me my whole life that I’m weird or different, and after a while, I had to believe them. I know you deserve a whole lot better than me, and I don’t expect you to ever love me back…I never really did from the beginning, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

              This guy was killing me. My insides felt like they were melting. “Can I ask you a question, Leif?”

              He had just picked up his fork. He put it down and said, “You can ask me anything.”

              “Why are you always so sad?”

              “What makes you think I’m sad?”

              “You have the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen, and you’re completely clueless that you’re this…you’re a…damn it, Leif, you’re hot. Do you know that?”

              His face turned bright red, and he had to clear his throat before he said, “You think I’m hot?”

              “Yes…but you have literally no idea that you are…do you? How has anyone not told you that? And Jesus, you have seen you, right?”

              “I grew up in five different foster homes, Karli. They weren’t mean, but they weren’t nice. They didn’t notice me much, but the kids at school did—and none of them had anything nice to say. When I look at myself in the mirror—to this day—all I see is that kid who never had the right clothes or greasy hair or always said something wrong or stupid because he didn’t know any better. I never had a girlfriend because the idea of talking to girls makes me sick to my stomach to this day. I knew I was weird, and most people were going to tell me that, so I just avoided them to the point of almost becoming so introverted that if I had a place to go I may have been a shut in. I joined the army simply because I had nowhere to go and no idea how to take care of myself. I’m a lot bigger and a lot smarter than I was back then…but inside I’m still that weird, goofy kid who doesn’t fit in anywhere or with anyone.” He paused for a minute and then he grinned again and said, “You think I’m hot?”

              I laughed through the tears in my own eyes. My heart was breaking. “Don’t let it go to your head.”  I finally took a bite of my dinner. It was cold, but I didn’t care because I was actually enjoying getting to know this guy.

              “Too late,” he said with another grin and a wink. His green eyes looked happier than I’d ever seen them.

PRESENT DAY

NEW ORLEANS

LEIF

              I had fun talking to Hunter and playing ball with him. I was most happy that Karli didn’t seem to mind. I was actually disappointed when Blake came back and the judge told me he wanted to take his wife out to dinner. I knew that no matter what I told Blake, I wasn’t going to be able to get through this without getting attached again. I might be able to hold it together while I was around her, but when it was time to walk away, my heart was going to break all over again.

              I spent the evening in the corner of a nice restaurant re-living the night Karli and I went out and she told me I was hot. Before that night, I honestly don’t think I ever knew what true happiness was. I only felt it that night for a few hours, but it was the best few hours of my life…and then I went and screwed it up again….

KILLEN TEXAS

2014

All I could think was, “She thinks I’m hot.”  I couldn’t stop smiling. I probably looked like the world’s biggest idiot, but I couldn’t help it. Karli was the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on in real life. She made me feel like my heart was going to explode—and that was before she said she thought I was hot. Neither of us ate much, but we spent over two hours just talking. The server wasn’t happy, but I didn’t care. Karli was talking to me. She wasn’t telling me to get lost, and she didn’t act as if she was still mad at me, and she thinks I’m hot! I caught myself smiling like a fool again, as we walked to the parking lot until I asked her, “How long are you in town?”

“I go home tomorrow. My plane takes off at three.”

“Oh.” I wanted to drop to my knees in the parking lot and beg her not to go…but I knew she couldn’t stay. She had a life in New Orleans—and even if I had a chance with her, I’d never ask her to uproot it for me. “Maybe I could take you to the airport?”

“I have to return the car,” she said. I was panicking. I didn’t want this dark parking lot to be the last place I ever saw her.

“Breakfast maybe….or lunch?” Grasping, desperate….God, sometimes I hated myself. She laughed, and I didn’t even care that she was laughing at me. I loved the sound of it.

“Why don’t you come by my hotel for a drink?”

“Tomorrow?”

“If that’s better for you, but I meant right now. It’s still early, and I’m on vacation and not sleepy. It’s not often I get to stay up late and have adult conversation.”

“No…I mean, yeah, yes. Tonight is good.”

“Great. There’s a nice little bar in the lobby…or we can sit on the balcony in my room.”
Breathe…don’t squeak, talk like a man. She didn’t ask you to spend the night, just to have a drink. Calm down.

“Sure…um, yeah. That sounds nice.” She smiled at me again. She makes my chest ache.

“Okay, you want to follow me over?”

“Mm hmm,” was all I could manage. I had to physically try not to run to my car. I wished that I was normal just for one night so that I didn’t screw it up. I got in the car and tried to breathe through the anxiety, as I followed her a few miles to her hotel. When we got to the parking lot, I had to take a few more calming breaths. My phone went off just as I was getting out of the car. It was Chloe. Damn!

“I found a place. I need three thousand dollars for the first month’s rent and a deposit.”
I couldn’t help it; I laughed out loud. She’d lost her mind.

“What’s so funny?” Karli suddenly appeared.

I shut the phone off and stuck it in my pocket, and then I lied.  “Ah, just a buddy of mine with a bad joke.” I couldn’t tell her about Chloe, could I? Should I? Was this going to be the last time I saw her? If it wasn’t, would it come out later and just make things bad all over again?  She smiled and put her hand on my arm. I was shaking and hoping she didn’t feel it. I tried to get my mind off the lie by saying, “This is a really nice place.”

“Yeah, my boss already had the room reserved, and he doesn’t really do anything cheap. I hate to admit this since I’m here for a funeral, but I’m really enjoying this.” I followed her onto the elevator, and we rode the elevator up in silence. Once we got to her room, my palms were sweating and my tongue was so thick that I thought I might choke on it. She went over to the house phone and asked, “What would you like me to order to drink?”

“I’m okay with water.” I was afraid to add alcohol to my already overstimulated brain.

“Okay, I do have a nice bottle of wine chilling. They gave it to me when I checked in.”

I was absolutely certain that I wanted to remember every second of this night, and wine would not help me do that. “Just water is okay,” I said again. She smiled and sat down and took off her shoes. Then she got up and got me the bottle of water from her little fridge and poured herself a glass of wine. She was in a pair of tight-fitting jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt. She wore them better than anyone I’d ever seen.

“You want to sit outside on the balcony?”

“That sounds nice.”  I followed her out. She was right; it was a beautiful night.

“Can I ask you something, Leif?”

“You can ask me anything.”

“You’re so cute,” she said. I was reveling in that, and then came the question that caused my whole night to unravel. “Are you single?”

“Um…well.” I was trying to put the words together in my head. I didn’t even know how to describe my relationship with Chloe.

While I was grasping for words, she said, “Hmm, well, that doesn’t sound promising.” She wants me to be single. She wouldn’t be asking if she didn’t want me to be single. Jesus, this is my chance finally. What do I do? “Leif?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and said, “I was living with this woman, but this morning, before the funeral, I asked her to move out.”

She raised an eyebrow. “This morning?”

I nodded. “Yeah, honestly. I couldn’t take being with her any longer. It wasn’t a good relationship from the start. Today was just the final straw.” I suddenly remembered the text although I forgot the part where I lied to her about it before I opened my big mouth and said, “She just texted and told me she found a place, I can show you the text.” that was when it dawned on me. 

              “The buddy with the bad joke?”

“Yeah…sorry about that. I panicked a little bit.”

“So every time you panic, you lie?”

“No! I just…I was having such a great time and I didn’t want it to end.”

She stood up and I knew it was over. “So you just say whatever it takes to get what you want.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement, one that she had every right to make.

“I’m sorry, Karli.” I stood up, too.

“So am I, Leif. I think you should go now.”

“Karli…” She held up her palm. I guess that was okay because—really—what the hell was I going to say?

******

A quiet week went by while I followed the judge to and from work and to the golf course and occasionally lunch or dinner with his wife. No further threats were issued, and neither Blake nor I saw or heard anything worth worrying about. In my downtime, when the judge was at home with his family, I got to know little Hunter. I’d never known a five year old before. It was fascinating to see the world through his eyes. It was as if everything was fresh and new, and it gave me an even better understanding of why Karli loved being a mother so much.

Hunter and I played ball every night after dinner. Sometimes Karli would sit outside and watch us—and sometimes not. I was kind of proud of myself because I was getting so much better at just being myself around her. I think I finally accepted that there was never going to be anything between us, and that made it easier.

A week and a half from the day we started the job, I’d spent a few hours Blake had given me off, shopping. I bought a real Louisville Slugger bat and a dark brown and tan baseball glove for Hunter. I was excited to give them to him. When I got back to the house, I walked into the dining room to let Blake know I was back, and as soon as I saw his face, I knew something was up.

“What happened? Is everyone okay?”

“Yeah, everyone’s fine. The judge asked for us to let him know when you’re back, he wants to talk to us. The police picked up Guzman this afternoon, so I’m assuming the judge is going to dismiss us.” Once again, I felt a sick pang in my belly. I was definitely glad they caught Guzman, but of course I couldn’t help but wonder once again when or if I’d ever see Karli and Hunter again. Blake looked at the bat and glove in my hand and raised an eyebrow.

I looked down at them and said, “He was embarrassed of the ones his mama bought him, said they made him look like a baby. He starts practice next week.”

Blake smiled, as much as he ever really does. “Why don’t you go give them to him? The judge and the rest of the family will be in soon.”

I nodded. My face was hot. I hadn’t meant for Blake to catch me buying things for Hunter. I knew he’d take it wrong, as if I was trying to impress Karli. The truth was that as much as I’d still give my right arm to be with her, I honestly accepted that it wasn’t going to happen. I also genuinely liked Hunter. I’d really enjoyed my time getting to know him, and in just a little over a week, he’d actually given me a lot of new ways to look at the world.

I went out into the backyard and found him playing with the cat again. As soon as he saw me, he smiled, and when he saw the bat and glove, he jumped up to his feet and clapped his hands together. “Are they for me?”

“They sure are.”

“Cool! They don’t have any cartoon characters on them.”

I laughed. “Nope, but maybe you could save the other ones and use them just for practice at home, that way your mama doesn’t get her feelings hurt.” I held the bat out to him. He took it with a smile.

“Okay, I will. Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.” I handed him the glove and said, “I have to get back inside to meet with your grandpa and Mr. Donovan.”

He looked disappointed. “Can we play ball after?”

“I’m not sure…”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

“No, buddy, that’s not it. Let’s plan for after dinner, that way I know I’ll be done with this meeting, okay?”

His little face brightened and he nodded. “Okay.” He gave me a high five, and as I went through the back door, I saw him run over and get his baseball. He was a good kid. Karli was doing a great job.

Once everyone was in the dining room—and I was trying not to stare at Karli in her off-white business suit—the judge said, “We all know now that Jaime Guzman was arrested early this morning. So…I was thinking that maybe it would be okay to let things get back to normal around here. I know Karli and Hunter miss having their own space and their own things.” I had a hard time with that one. Five more people could live in this big house and they wouldn’t ever have to see each other if they didn’t want to. Hunter had shown me his room, and it was almost as big as my entire apartment and filled with anything and everything a little boy could want. I hadn’t seen Karli’s room, but since she looked like a million bucks every day, I’d have to say the same for her. I didn’t like the idea of her leaving here alone. Being here might be the only thing keeping them safe. This place was a mausoleum and practically impossible to get in and get out of without a key or permission. Killing a dog by climbing over a fence in the backyard was one thing, but actually getting inside of a house with a state-of-the-art security system was a different story.

“What’s the security like where you live, Karli?”

Before she could answer me, Blake said, “There is none.”

“Jaime Guzman is in jail,” she said.

“You know that Guzman probably wasn’t the one that killed the dog or shot that twelve-year-old boy on his front porch, right? He has people who work for him to do his dirty work. What’s to say they’re not just that much more pissed now that he’s locked up? Some of the biggest hit orders come out of prison—especially when gangs are involved,” I told her.

“Leif, Blake,” she said as she sucked in a deep breath. “I am concerned for myself and my family, of course I am. But the fact is that Frank has put hundreds of men away. This Guzman guy is not the first one to have made threats. It’s the nature of the people we work with every day. If we run and hide each time it happens, none of us would have any semblance of a life. This has been going on now for months. We have all made sacrifices. I have to get back to work tomorrow, and my son needs to get back to school. We will take precautions, but even if Frank and Mom decide differently, I’m finished hiding. I want to go home. And I also have to say that I think Guzman is going to have a few more things to worry about now—at least while he’s in county jail.”

Blake sighed and looked at the judge. “I have to agree with Karli,” the judge said. “He’s locked up, so the immediate threat is no longer present. By causing us to hide out and forcing us to not live our lives, he wins. I’ll keep in close contact with the detectives on the case, and if there’s any talk of him being set loose, we’ll reevaluate things.”

“Okay then…” Blake started. My head was swimming. I couldn’t believe they were being so naïve. They work with these people every day. The threat was not gone just because Guzman was in jail.