Learning to Stand (8 page)

“
Well he’s asking for the
Fey.”

“
The Fey is on temporary
duty. He won’t be back until sometime tomorrow.”

“
Very funny,” Ben said. “We
don’t have a choice here. The President of the United States
requested our help in finding and rescuing his friend.”

“
Who’s the friend?” she
asked.

“
Cee Cee Joiner,” they said
in unison.

Fuck.

“
No thanks.” She hung up the
phone.

“
What was that?” John
asked.

“
A nasty situation I don’t
want to be involved in,” Alex said.

Rolling to her side, she stroked his naked
chest. She slipped on top of him when the phone rang again. She
kissed John’s lips. Moving, she kissed his neck. She continued
working her way down his body with her lips until the phone was
silent.

“
It’s going to be okay,”
John said when the phone started ringing again. “I’ll stay right
here.”

John spooned around her and she answered the
phone.

“
Alexandra Hargreaves,” Ben
said.

“
I’m kind of busy
here.”

“
Get up. I’m sending the
intel to your computer then I’m in the air. I’ll be there in a
couple hours.”

“
No,” Alex said. “No, not
this time. No. Cee Cee Joiner. My plate is full. I’m supposed to
put together this team and... Please Benji, no.”

Ben fell silent at her use of the name
‘Benji,’ her acknowledgement he was her father.

“
You cannot refuse a
presidential order,” Ben said. Switching to French, his voice was
gentle. “You just can’t.”

She wasn’t sure how to respond.

“
Raz has left for a
briefing. It’s my expectation that you, and your men, will be ready
to go. You have six hours.”

“
Until what
happens?”

“
In six hours, you will need
to function as a team.”

Alex’s hand flew to her mouth. Jogging to
the bathroom, she managed to make the toilet before her anxious
stomach voided its contents. She looked up when John gave her a wet
washcloth.

“
Thanks,” she
said.

“
Your hip is off,” he said.
“I didn’t notice because...”

“
You carried me in,” she
said. She smiled. “That was fun.”

“
You’re shivering. When do
you have to...?”

“
I have a couple hours,” she
said.

“
Come back to
bed.”

He led her to the bed and layered down
comforters over her.

“
I have a cortisone shot in
my bag.”

Knowing better than to argue, she rolled on
her right side. Before her new hip, this was a twice daily ritual
for Alex. He pulled down her pajamas and stuck a needle full of
steroids and pain medication deep into her hip. She groaned.

“
In pain?”

“
Where’d you get the shot?”
she asked.

“
Habit,” he said. “All
done.”

He slipped over her to the bed. She rested
her head on his shoulder. Her hand looped through the chain for the
dog tag bearing her name which he wore around his neck.

“
Did you throw up because
you were anxious?”

“
Anxious,” she said. “I
haven’t been eating so there’s not much to throw up. It’s
...”

“
Automatic, yes,” he
finished her statement.

Warm and relaxed, she snuggled against him.
She was almost asleep when he said:

“
Is there something you wish
to tell me?”

She jerked up to look at him.

“
What do you
mean?”

“
I thought we weren’t going
to do this anymore,” John said. “We agreed in Scotland to stop
hiding from each other.”

“
We did.”

“
Alexandra,” John rolled to
his side to look at her. “You haven’t had any alcohol in three
weeks. Max and Raz are accommodating but not enjoying your need for
decaffeinated coffee. And, I may not know a lot of things, but I
know this body, your body.”

Slipping his hand under her pajamas, he
cupped her breast. His thumb ran over her nipple.

“
Your breasts are full and
more sensitive. You’re softening around your face, your hips… in
all womanly places.”

Alex rolled to her back to avoid looking at
him.

“
I’ve been waiting for you
to tell me,” John said. “I thought you’d want to tell
me.”

“
You’re a solution oriented
person. You’ll want to make decisions and I… I needed some
time.”

“
Why does Raz
know?”

“
He hacked into the doctor’s
computer. I was… upset after my doctor’s appointment and wouldn’t
tell him.”

“
Let’s start with how,” John
said.

“
After we spent the day
cleaning blood, flesh and decay off the floor of the vault in
Paris, Raz went to see his Parisian lady friend.

“
Clarissa.”

“
Right. He left me in the
bath.”

“
I rang while you were in
the bath,” John said. “You spoke with me and Max.”

“
I remember.”

“
You seemed all right, just
tired. But something happened?”

“
I started crying.” Alex
closed her eyes at the memory. “I’ve read about this kind of thing
happening in my Psych texts. A person dissociates feelings during a
crisis. After calming down, the feelings come back.”

“
Like what happened when you
were held hostage?” John asked.

“
Different. This was
emotion. No memories. No sensations. Just a flood of sadness. I
collapsed in the middle of our sitting area.”

“
Why didn’t you call
me?”

“
I couldn’t. It’s hard to
imagine but I was that upset. Before he left, Raz ordered dinner
for me. When room service arrived, they called the agent that was
handling us. You remember him, don’t you?”

John nodded.

“
The agent called a
doctor.”

“
CIA doctor?”

“
Yes. The agent waited for
the doctor then went to get Raz. By the time Raz arrived, the
doctor had given me a shot and I was calm, kind of blank. The
doctor told Raz to give me a shot every morning and every night.
Raz stayed with me to make sure I was all right.”

“
So it’s his
baby?”

“
Don’t be
stupid.”

“
Alex, he knows you’re
pregnant. He was there in Paris. You slept together in
Paris.”

“
We shared a bed. He didn’t
want me to be alone because I’m not any good in the dark alone.
You’re the one who told him, ‘Don’t leave her alone in the dark.’
That’s what you told Raz. I was a month behind on the map phone.
I’d planned on working at night so he could see
Clarissa.”

John’s face flushed. He looked away from
her.

Staring at the ceiling, she felt a wave of
futility overcome her.

Failing. She was failing again.

Pulling the covers around her chin, she
steeled herself for the rest of this conversation.

“
I’m sorry,” he said. “I
haven’t known what to think. I should have asked rather than jumped
to my own conclusions. I’ve been a jerk.”

“
I understand. I’m sorry I
haven’t told you.”

“
You were telling me how you
got pregnant.”

“
The CIA doctor gave me a
chemical which messes with the depo shot. It’s supposed to decrease
my cortisol level. Raz gave me a shot in the morning and one at
night. Remember? We called them ‘zombie shots’ because I was so
numb.”

“
I remember,” John said. “He
said it was...”

“
Vitamins. That’s what the
doctor told us. Bodybuilders take it so he called it ‘vitamins.’ It
wasn’t. My brand new gyno, Janelle? She talked to the doctor. My
handler told the doctor I was the only one who could do what I was
doing. The doctor thought the drug would allow me to get through
the week. It probably did. He didn’t know I was on the depo shot.
So that’s how.”

“
We’re pregnant. You and
I.”

Alex gave him an exasperated look. Biting
back the nasty comment that lingered on her tongue, she nodded.
When she looked up, John was watching her.

“
Why didn’t you tell
me?”

“
Because...” Alex let out a
breath. “The baby is not...”

She had practiced the words in her head a
thousand times. When it came time to say them out loud, she
couldn’t say them. She looked at his sincere blue eyes and
concerned face. Turning from him, she stared at the ceiling.

“
You can tell
me.”

She turned to him.

“
He has chromosomal damage.
Janelle expected me to miscarry before now. Plus I’m…”

“
He?” The word burst from
John’s lips.

“
Simon,” Alex whispered. “I
named him Simon.”

“
Alex, we…”

Turning her face back to ceiling, she raised
her hand. He stopped talking.

“
I know what you’re going to
say. We can’t keep him. Children conceived on the depo shot live
less than a year. How can we bring a being so damaged into this
world? I know. I know. I know.”

She knew what should be done. She simply
couldn’t bear doing it.

“
I’ve killed a lot of
people… adults… who were trying to kill me. But I can’t kill him. I
can’t kill him. I just can’t so don’t tell me to.”

“
Why is Raz
upset?”

“
He feels responsible.” She
rolled onto her side to look at him. He stroked her face. “He knows
how much I want a child. And...”

“
That’s why you didn’t tell
me.”

“
You’ll want to do what’s
right.” Alex shrugged. “But what feels right is to let him live, as
long as he can, and let God decide.”

“
God. Yes, well. You’ve
spoken with Father Seamus?”

“
No way. He’d find some way
to tell Mom.” Alex curled her lip at the idea of her mother getting
involved in this situation. Shrugging off her mother induced
irritation, she added, “I spent an afternoon with Brother Keith at
the friary.”

“
You worked in the garden at
the Capuchin Franciscan friary one day last week,” John said. “What
did Brother Keith say?”

“
He said the Pope is very
clear on this subject but God is less clear.”

“
Sounds like Brother
Keith.”

Speaking no louder than a whisper, she
continued, “He asked me what I would do if a loved one was mortally
wounded and suffering. Would I end his pain? Or let God decide? By
keeping Simon, was I being compassionate or selfish? God would want
me to be compassionate.”

John’s eyes caressed her face. With his hand
at the side of her face, he leaned forward to kiss her.

“
It’s a terrible burden to
carry alone. May I share this burden with you?”

Alex looked up at him. Her eyes scoured his
face looking for anger or judgment. She saw only love on his
beautiful face. Burying her head in his shoulder, she sighed.

“
What’s it like to be
pregnant?”

“
Weird, fun, exciting. It’s
like a little butterfly lives in my diaphragm.”

“
You’re not tired or sick?”
he asked

“
No. I feel…
excited.”

“
We talked about having kids
when we were first married.”

“
That was a long time ago
and… well… we don’t have kids.”

“
We’ve been kind of busy.”
John chuckled. “My school, your work, my work, your injury, your
work, my work...”

“
How do you feel about all
of this?”

“
I feel… a lot of different
things. Relieved. I’m an idiot, but I convinced myself you were
pregnant with Raz’s baby.”

“
Why would you believe
that?”

“
He loves you. You love him.
It’s not such a stretch.”

“
He has a vasectomy, John.
You arranged for Emily to do the procedure.”

“
I did.” John’s eyes flicked
back and forth from her face. “So you’re saying you and
Raz...”

“
What is wrong with you? Of
course not.”

She rolled away from him to stare at the
ceiling. He pulled her back to his shoulder.

“
You’re not the same,” he
said. “That’s the easiest way to say it. You haven’t been the
same.”

“
What do you
mean?”

“
In some ways? You are
stronger, more fun, wild like you used to be before you were
injured. You aren’t depressed anymore. That is for sure. But in
other ways? You’re distant, cooler. I’m terrified you’re closer to
someone else or maybe you don’t want to be with me.”

She smoothed his curly hair.

“
I’m exhausted,” she said.
“We’ve done one stupid project after another.”

She fell silent.

“
You know that,” she
said.

“
I do.”

“
I’m not right, you know, in
my head. God, Eleazar is dead and yet his presence is in every
corner of my life. I don’t have a home. My bees are still at the
old property. Everyone expects me to be strong and capable but I’m
not strong… or capable... I’m supposed to be a leader... I
completely suck at it. All I have is a pile of uninteresting
work.”