Layers (19 page)

He sighs. “Lex, do you want children?”

Wow! Where the hell did that come from? Isn’t this a question you get when you’ve been in a serious committed relationship for…well, longer than a few weeks? I’m asking because I don’t really know the rules. I’ve only been in one serious relationship, and I was the only one that took it seriously. So, does that even count?

How do you answer such a question? It’s the ultimate trick question. Answer yes and he doesn’t? Then what? Answer no and he does? Then what? If
you
were to ask me I’d laugh it off, and say. “Are you fucking kidding me? Do I look like mom material?” But you’re not asking—Jax is. The man I just might love to the moon and back. So I’m going for it. I’m going to tell him the truth.

“Honestly—I don’t really know. I’m on the fence—I could lean either way. The thing is—I don’t think I’d be a good mom. I all but raised Sam, but that’s different. I don’t know if that’s the answer you’d hoped for, but there it is.”

He gives me a half smile. “The honest answer is always the best answer babe.”

He pulls me into him. We’re forehead to forehead. Then he presses his lips to mine and they’re trembling.

I pull away. “Jax. What’s wrong?”

He pulls me into his arms, and holds me tight. His whole body is shaking.

Shit—do I want to know? Yes, this is
my
man.

“Jax. Please” I whisper.

He pulls away and looks into my eyes. “Lex, you would be a wonderful mother, the best. God I love you so much.” He exhales.

God I wish I could tell him ditto. I just can’t. Not yet.

“I feel like the biggest fucker ever.” He sighs. “Babe, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve even seen—ever known—inside and out. Lex, you deserve the best—in every way.”

“Jax, you’re scaring the crap out of me. If you tell me you’re dying or something—I’ll…I’ll have to kill you.”

“Lex,” he says, this time with a full smile.

That’s a good sign. Right?

“I’m not dying. You think way too much. That brain of yours.” He put a finger to my forehead. “That brain of yours needs to chill out. You overthink everything.”

“I know” I breathe out.

“Babe, when I first met you, all I wanted was a good hard fuck. I lusted after you like a teenager on Viagra. I’d look at you and my dick would jump. And the more you rejected my advances, the more I wanted you. You’re the only woman that’s ever said ‘no’ to me. Then, one night, in Dublin, you said ‘yes.’ I’ll admit I kind of…”

“Tried to get me drunk and stole my room key.”

“You knew?”

“Of course.”

“Yeah, of course. But the thing is, once I’d fucked you…I craved you. You were my crack—my heroin, I’d never not want you or need you. And then I tried to push you into a relationship that you weren’t ready for. I still don’t understand why you freaked or what I did wrong. I just knew I’d screwed up. Then you wouldn’t let me fix it. You just put an end to it. No real explanation—nothing. You just ended it and it fucking killed me.”

“I tried like hell to hate you. I avoided you, I traveled more and stayed away longer than I needed to. I fucked more nameless-faceless women than…let’s just say I’m not proud of my behavior.”

“Jaxson you’ve told me all this before. You’re stalling babe, and I’m going crazy. So just tell me.”

“You know the Pearl Jam song—‘Better Man?’”

“Yeah.”

“The part—‘She lies and says she’s in love with him.’”

“Yeah. ‘Can’t find a better man.’”

“Babe, I don’t want you to feel that way about me. ”

I push away from him. “Okay. Enough! Just fucking tell me!”

“I fucking can’t have kids! he yells”

“Jesus, Jax! You fuckin’ scared me.”

“Lex. I’m not fuckin’ joking. This isn’t fuckin’ funny.”

Well, fuckin’ me.
“I never said it was. I just don’t know why you’re so upset?”

“Did you not hear me? I’m sterile. I can’t father a child. No passing on the old DNA—no springing out the offspring.”

“I heard you. Compared to the things that were going on in my head—no passing on the old DNA is nothing. God damn you! You had me worried.”

“Babe, I just told you that I’m sterile and it doesn’t bother you?”

“It doesn’t seem to affect your… performance. So no.”

“Really? Lex, I’m not kidding here. I’ve seen all kinds of specialists. Ninety-five percent of my swimmers are doing the backstroke. The other five percent can’t make it upstream.”

“I’m sorry, Jax. I get the whole passing on your own DNA and stuff. But there are a lot of kids out there that could use a good home, and a great dad.

“You would consider adoption?”

“Yeah. Bypassing the whole diaper and throw up thing, I’m all over that. The diaper thing, I think I can do, but not the throw up thing. I throw up cleaning up throw up. So it would be like double throw up––clean up.”

He lifts a brow. “Okay, I think.”

“Jax we’re talking like way…way in the future. I think you’re jumping the gun a little…No a lot. You. Me. Us. We’re just getting started.”

“Yeah, I get that. If not having your own kids is a deal breaker for you, then you have the right to know now.”

“It’s not a deal breaker.”

“Thank fuck. I don’t know what I would have done if it was.”

“I have one question.”

“Okay.”

“What was the deal with the Pearl Jam analogy? Do you think because you can’t have a kid, that you’re not the better man?”

“Yes…No. It’s just that I don’t know what I’d do if you changed your mind about me…if you look at me and only see regret.”

I pull him into my arms. “Babe. You think too much.”

Six weeks, three days, ten hours and twenty minutes later…

“Where are you going?”

“For a run,” I say as I tie my Nikes.

“Came back to bed,” Jaxson purr-whines.

“You’re insatiable. How about you sleep for a bit then when I return we can play in the shower.”

“How about you just stay and we can play in the shower now.”

“Jax we’ve been doing the deed and other stuff for like…eight hours. Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining. Okay, maybe a little. But If I don’t get up and move my ass it will be bigger than Pluto.”

“Your ass is perfect.”

“I’m glad you like it. But you won’t like it when it starts to jiggle.”

“I don’t know about that babe. I like when you jiggle.”

“I jiggle? Where?” I look at my ass. I didn’t think it had gotten that bad. Not yet anyway.

”You don’t jiggle. I’m just teasing.”

I stand and plant my hands on my hips. “Jaxson Chase Ryan, never tease a girl about jiggling.
Ever.
”

“Okay” he says and gets up and tugs on his boxers. “I’ll join you.”

“You’re going to run?”

“Yes. Why do you sound so surprised?”

“I don’t know. I’ve just never seen you run. Swimming is your thing.”

“Swimming is my thing, but I want to do your thing. Unless you don’t want me to join you.”

“I’d love you to join me.”

“Okay, then I’ll meet you in the kitchen in ten.”

“There’s a park about six miles from here, I thought we could go there.”

“Beyond the gate?” I raise a brow.

“Yeah. You’re with me so it’s okay.” We jog to the gate and Jaxson waves at the guard.

The guard nods and the gate opens.

We jog past the gate and down a long tree lined entrance.

When we hit the road I stop, bend over and touch the asphalt.

“What are you doing?

“Just making sure it’s real. That this isn’t a dream.”

“Has it been that bad?”

“It’s been over two months since I’ve been beyond the gates. Yes, it’s been that bad.”

“Come on hairy legs…pick up the pace.”

“My legs aren’t that hairy!” Jaxson growls.

“Yes they are, but I love them anyway.”

“Look, I can see the park” he pants. “Thank God. Six miles my ass!” he whines.

I look at my runner’s watch. “My pedometer reads just under twelve. A minor miscalculation.”

“I guess my miledar is off!” he huffs.

I laugh. “That’s funny—miledar. You made a joke and slang. “I’m impressed.”

“You’re very easily impressed babe.”

“Yeah, I guess so, I’m with you.”

“Ha, ha.”

We jog in silence for a couple of minutes before I realize Jaxson is lagging behind. I stop and jog in place while he catches up.

“Are you going to make it?” I ask, laughing.

“I’m good,” he pants. “You’re not even sweating. How is that possible?”

“I am.” I look at Jaxson. His tee is drenched, his hair is damp and his shorts are clingy. “Not like you though.”

“It must be like ninety percent humidity.” He wipes his brow.

I press a button on my watch. It does everything except for wash dishes and run for me. “Twenty percent.”

“Of course you have a watch that tells you the humidity.”

“Well, of course.” I laugh.

He gives me
The Brow.

I cringe. “I sure wish you wouldn’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“That thing with your brow. It creeps me out.”

“It’s not that bad. You’re the only one that’s ever complained about it.”

“That’s because people are afraid to tell you because you intimidate them, they don’t want to hurt your feelings or they’re just too creeped, out for words.”

“Yeah, right.”

I roll my eyes. “Whatever.”

As the park gets closer Jaxson starts to lag behind again. I stop and wait for him to catch up. “You need motivation.”

“No, what I need is to call Lane to come pick up my sweaty ass.”

“Not possible, he’s gone into the city.”

“Fuck me. I forgot.”

“Motivation. That’s all you need!”

“Okay, motivate me.”

I think for a minute. “If you can beat me to the park I’ll let you shag me against a tree.”

“What? No way, you won’t do it.”

“I promise.” I cross my heart.

He gives me a look loaded with skepticism. “Okay. You’re on!” he says and peels out.

“I can’t believe you beat me, hairy legs!”

“Motivation, my dear. There is no way I’m going to pass up a shag in the trees.” He grabs my hand. “Come on, let’s go find that tree.”

We walk around for a few minutes cooling down, drinking water and looking for that tree.

“Take my hand, I see the perfect shagging tree.”

I give him my hand as he leads me to a large oak.

“What do you think?”

I look around. “Off the path, wooded, secluded. Yes, I think you found it.”

“Forewarning…my junk is sweaty!”

“And your legs are hairy, I think I can handle it.”

He places me in front of the shag tree. “Pull your shorts down and lean back.”

“Horny much?” I smirk.

“Yes. Very.”

I do as he says.

“Okay, turn slightly.”

I do.

“No, like this. ”He positions me. “Okay that’s good, just a smidge this way.”

“Horny and bossy.”

He pulls off his shorts and pushes me back and slightly up the tree. He lets his sweaty junk air for a few seconds. At least that’s what I think he’s doing.

He presses into me and I slide up the tree. He attempts to enter me and my shirt rides up and my back snags on the bark.

“Ouch!” I push him off me. “This isn’t going to work, I’ll end up with bark burn!”

He steps back. “Okay, will try something else.”

I push myself away from the tree and get tangled in my shorts. I reach down to pull them up and do a head plant into the dirt.

Jaxson laughs—no, he cackles hysterically. “Nice one, Lex” he says as he wipes away his happy tears.

I look up and he’s going through his pockets.

“What are you looking for?”

“My phone. I’ve got to take a picture of this.”

“Like hell you do! Help me up, dickbrain.”

“I do, I need to do this.”

I look up as a flash hits my eyes. “You bastard. I can’t believe you just did that.”

He laughs. “Don’t worry I won’t show it to anyone. I’ll put it in my private collection file.”

“What kinds of photos do you have in…No, wait. I don’t want to know.” I raise an arm and he just stares down at me grinning. “Some help would be nice!”