Lauren Takes Leave (25 page)

“Spoken like someone on a complete
People
magazine
diet,” a bemused Kat murmurs.

“The
Afternoon Delight
fan is right. I’ve got
another shoot coming up in a few weeks, and I’ve got to drop, like, twenty,”
Tim explains.

“Speaking of which,” Kat adds, “aren’t you supposed to be
on set right now, in the Everglades or something? Right around here, I think.”
Jodi gives her a look. “What? Maybe I can be an
expert
, too. It just so
happens I read one of your tabloids on the plane. And Tim? Can I call you Tim?”

“I would prefer if we call him Lex,” Jodi says.

“Call me Tim.” He nods, smiles, and dimples us, all in one
swift move. A hot chill passes through me, the kind that in grade school meant
that someone had just stepped on the site of your grave. It’s exciting and
dangerous all at once.

“Okay, Tim,” Jodi says, sounding disappointed. “If you say
so. But if you ask me, it lacks something.”

“Cheese,” Tim says. “It lacks cheese.”

Kat continues. “You never did answer our question of why
in the world you would get in the middle of our bitchfest.”

Tim glances over his shoulder, first left, then right, and
then stares off down the beach for a while. I start biting my cuticles in the
stillness.

Then he sighs. “I know I just met you ladies, but I feel
like maybe I can trust you.” He stops there and seems to make some sort of
decision. “What the hell. I listened to you for long enough to know your
stories, right?”

“Tim Cubix is stalking us,” Kat says, shaking her head in
disbelief.

“So I know how you are, shall we say, on the lam—” Tim
continues.

“On the down low,” Kat adds.

“MIA,” Jodi says.

“Pulling a
Thelma and Louise
,” I manage before
turning bright red again and shutting my mouth.

“So, anyway. My point is this,” he continues. “With one
call, I could tell
your
husband”—Tim looks at me—“or
your
husband”—he smiles at Jodi—“or your soon-to-be-ex-husband—”

“Oh, he wouldn’t give a flying fuck,” Kat responds.

“—just where you are and what you’re really up to,” Tim
finishes. Then he looks directly at me. “Ms.…Jury Duty, was it?”

I can’t believe it!

“Tim Cubix is blackmailing us!” I testify.

“Shh,” he orders, looking around again.

“Holy
Fly By Night
.” Kat shakes her head
disapprovingly.

“This is so exciting,” I decide, taking a sip of my yummy
non-alcoholic, lo-cal smoothie. It’s like my life really
is
a movie!

“I must apologize for my friends, Lex.
Tim.
It’s
just that they spent last night pole dancing and making out with women, and
now, meeting you, they’ve come completely undone,” Jodi explains.

“I did not make out with anyone! She did,” I say, pointing
to Kat. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that. To clarify,” I falter,
wondering why I can’t just shut up.

Kat gives a half wave as if to acknowledge that she is the
mock lesbian of note.

Under these new circumstances, I just can’t stand the
thought of arguing with Kat and Jodi. I lean over and take Kat’s hand in mine
and squeeze it. She squeezes back.

I think we’re good. For now anyway.

I’d like to apologize in some small way to Jodi as well,
but she’s far too obsessed at the moment with Tim. Which, in my mind at least,
means that all is temporarily forgiven.

“Sooooo,” Jodi purrs, moving as close to Tim as she can
without actually mounting him, “what’s the scoop? Why aren’t you at work right
now in the Everglades?”

“’Cause I’m hanging with you lovely ladies!” he tries.

“Bullarkey,” Kat states.

“Fine,” Tim says, putting his hands up in an ‘I surrender’
gesture. “Would you believe me if I told you that I’m…pulling my own little
Thelma
and Louise
?” He pulls down his sunglasses for a second and winks a baby
blue my way.

“Um…” I begin. Even Jodi and Kat seem to be at a loss for
words.

“It’s true. I needed a getaway. My agent booked me
back-to-back on these projects even though I asked him not to, so, between work
demands, and the paparazzi, and Ruby, and the kids—”

“A shitload of kids!” Kat adds. “Some natural, some
adopted!”

“—I just…heard this little voice in my head telling me to
slip away for a few days. I know it’s not
right
. I know that my manager
is going ballistic right now. I’ve put him in a tough spot. But he’ll figure it
out.” He scratches the back of his left hand as if there’s a strong itch there
that just won’t go away.

“And Ruby?” Jodi asks, her bikini triangles quivering in
excitement. “Have you told her where you are?”

Ruby is Tim’s longtime girlfriend, a mega movie star in
her own right, whose humanitarian efforts helped promote her to a leadership
role in UNICEF. Together, they’ve been dubbed Rubix Cube by the media.

“Yes and no. I mean, I live for her and my family. Really
I do. But I needed a break from my hectic life and she understands. We are
texting, keeping in touch. But she doesn’t know I’m in South Beach.”

“So…you’re just like us!” I say. “Technically,
we
could blackmail
you
.”

Everyone looks at me.

“Not that we ever would,” I add quickly.

“Don’t worry about it,” Tim continues, smiling. “The
cameras will get to me first and spoil everything, just you wait.”

“You need a disguise,” Jodi says. “Something to make you
incarnito.”

Tim studies Jodi for a moment, but doesn’t try and correct
her malapropism. I instantly like him for it.

“I have a feeling hanging out with you guys might do the
trick, actually. No one really looks at a group of middle-aged women in a
hotspot like this. I think I could blend in.”

“Thanks? So, you’re blackmailing us
and
using us,”
I decide, warming up to the idea of this movie star as a real person. “And
insulting us.”

“Sort of.” He nods. “Awkward question? Could one of you
guys get my room key for me at the front desk? My manager always books my
hotels, but since I’m not talking to him, I just showed up here and did it
myself, from my cell phone. Then I realized I was kind of screwed. I can’t just
walk up to the desk and check in under my own name, see. The cameras would
start flashing in ten seconds. I’d be found out and sent back on the first
flight.”

“Like you broke your parole or skipped out on bail.” Kat
nods.

“Just like.”

“Have no fears,” Jodi says, standing. “I’ll get the key.
What name did you use?”

“Tom Cruise.”

“Seriously?” Kat asks.

“Yeah, he and I have this longtime running joke with
hotels, where I check in as him and he checks in as me. It’s hard to explain.”

“Sounds pretty basic,” Kat says.

This whole scenario is striking me as more than a little
odd. Fine, it’s true that Tim would have trouble getting a room without being
discovered in an instant. But we just met him like ten minutes ago. How could
someone at his level of celebrity hang with regular people like us? And three
women, no less? Something isn’t adding up. But it’s so much fun that I decide
not to dwell on the fact that this all feels like a little too buddy-buddy too
soon.

Jodi grabs her stuff and heads to the lobby. “I’m off,”
she says, looking like a Hollywood starlet again, with the hat and the sexy
cover-up, the big sunglasses and the metallic beach bag. I can tell she’s
loving this whole thing. I mean, she’s about to pick up the key for Tim Cubix’s
hotel room, which suddenly makes her famous by association, which is almost
like being famous herself. “In the meantime, why don’t you guys take him
upstairs?”

“Can’t,” Kat says, looking at her watch. “Look at the
time. Five forty. I’ve got a massage booked with Clooney in twenty minutes.”

“Cool!” I say.

“Joking,” she says back, rolling her eyes. “C’mon, Tim.”
She snaps a towel at him. Let’s hit the showers.”

Man, is he fucking gorgeous or what? As we ride up
together in the elevator, I have to steady myself against a wall as another
heat wave travels through my body. I look for any signs of distress from Kat.
Complete normalcy. No twitching, no hives.

Intellectually, I know Tim Cubix is just a
guy
. But
my reaction is visceral. I might break down at any moment. Like he’s the Mona
Lisa and the painting is hanging in my house. It’s both utterly fabulous and,
at the same time, it’s unsettling to look it in the eye.

As we enter the hotel room, a call comes up from the
lobby. “Hello?” I answer in a British accent.

“Oh, sorry, wrong room,” Jodi says.

“No! It’s me, Jo, with a disguised voice!”

“Freak. Tell Lex that housekeeping hasn’t gotten to his
room yet. They didn’t believe he was Tom Cruise, who, apparently, always stays
at the W when he’s in town. They say the room won’t be ready for a while, but
tell him not to worry. I have my ways and I’m gonna use ’em.” She disconnects
without saying good-bye.

I tell Tim the news of what happens when you are not a
famous person and you check into a hotel pretending to be Tom Cruise. How
sometimes you have to wait.

“Mind if I just freshen up in here?”

“Yeeea—uhhhhh…!” a stunned Kat and I reply in unison, our
four eyeballs watching his every move.

So now Tim is “freshening up” in our bathroom. Kat and I
are unpacking our things and watching E! on television, the volume turned up so
we can hear it over the rush of water.

“Hey, Kat.” I smile. “Tim. Cubix. Is. On. TV. And. In.
Our. Bathroom!”

“Taking a shower!” she adds.

“He’s probably naked!” I scream, on the verge of tears
again.

“Shh…I sure as hell hope so. Otherwise, that’s weird,
right? Why would he shower with his clothes on?”

“Because we are sitting here fantasizing about him right
on the other side of the door! Duh!”

“It’s locked.”

“People know how to pick locks.”

“Well, unfortunately for us, we don’t.”

A knock comes as we are debating whether or not we could—and
then should—try to open the bathroom door with our credit card–like room keys.

“Coming, Jodi,” I say, opening the door.

Only it’s not Jodi.

Standing before me is Lenny Katzenberg. All six feet, two
inches of him, with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. His hazel eyes hold a
flicker of devilish charm and his hair is noticeably more salt-and-peppered
than it looks in his videos. He’s wearing worn Levi’s and a rock concert T-shirt,
just like he does on camera.

He looks better than great.

“Lauren!” he announces, pulling me close to him in a bear
hug. “What a surprise! What are you doing here in Miami?”

He smells like cinnamon and oranges and pine trees.

“What am I—?” I begin, as he releases me.

“Kidding. I got your e-mail this morning and knew: this
was it. It was like you were telling me without telling me.”

My heart starts to beat wildly, not out of lust, but
rather in a full-on panic attack. “And…what, exactly, was I
not
telling
you?”

“That you wanted me to come to Miami!”

“Because…?”

“Because.” He nods his head solemnly and takes both of my
hands in his, looking in my eyes. “Exactly.”

Holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit.

The bathroom door opens, and a towel-clad Tim emerges. His
hairless torso is rock solid and dripping wet. It takes all the strength I can
muster not to reach out and lick him.

I am a sick woman, surrounded on all sides by temptation.

“Hey,” Tim says, noticing the open door to the hallway and
speaking to Lenny. “Could you decide in or out, and close that behind you?
Thanks.” He picks up his duffle bag from one of the beds and takes it back into
the bathroom with him.

“By the way, you look familiar,” Tim Cubix says to Lenny
Katzenberg, before shutting the bathroom door once again.

Lenny cocks his head to the side, evaluating what just
happened. “Was that…?”

“Tim Cubix, yeah, yeah, yeah, big effing deal,” Kat says,
coming over to us. “Get over it. I mean, you came down here to get laid, right?
Not to stargaze.”

“Kat!” I say, shocked more by the idea of Lenny getting
laid than by Kat’s complete rudeness. Am I to be the lay-er?

“I’m Kat, if you haven’t figured that out by now,” she
says, putting her hand out to shake Lenny’s. “Lauren’s best bud.”

Lenny releases my hand to shake Kat’s, then looks around
the room, waiting for me to say something.

“Lenny! Wow, I mean, this is really…” I trail off, not
sure
what
it is or how to feel about it.

Kat fills the awkward silence.

“Oh, you’re probably looking to see who else we’re hiding
in here. Bono was hanging out, but he had to go. Some forest he had to save
somewhere, big tree emergency. And Ashton Kutcher took a Snickers from the
minibar and owes me four bucks! Famous people, I’m telling you.” Kat sounds
confident but starts pulling nervously at her curls.

Getagripgetagripgetagripgetagrip.

“Hi-yyy!” Jodi sings, the front door slamming behind her.
“I got you an adjoining room. Only now you are known as Mr. Moncrieff of room
1215.” She stops talking and takes in the scene of me standing awkwardly
between Lenny and Kat, Tim nowhere in sight. “Well, isn’t this
interesting
.”
One of Jodi’s perfectly arched eyebrows is perfectly arched in surprise.

We all stand around silently. Lenny adjusts his duffle bag
on his shoulder and coughs.

“I got it!” Tim hollers, stepping out of the bathroom
fully dressed. He towels off his hair and points at Lenny. “I know where I know
you from! You’re that YouTube rapper!
Love
your stuff, man!”

Everyone relaxes. A hearty guy handshake follows and it is
agreed that Tim and Lenny will bunk together next door.