Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians (47 page)

Kathy: I know, but who doesn’t want to be distanced from Star Jones? I’m going to send her a muffin basket. And you know she’s gonna finish it in one day. (laughs)

Corey: Were you not at her wedding?

Kathy: I was not at her wedding but I don’t know how that happened, because I think she asked everyone in North America to be a bride’s maid.

Corey: I notice on the top of your DVD ‘Allegedly’ that you might do a little dishing on Liza, but you didn’t get to that in the set.

Kathy: I do that all the time and just forget. But I love her. I’m such a fan of hers—but that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna dish on her. Nobody likes to make fun of Celine Dion more than I do and yet I’m there front row, opening night. I went to the Vegas show opening night. That’s my whole thing. I don’t hate. I just make fun of.

Corey: Are there any events you’ve been to where people actually try to get away?

Kathy: Run? Yeah, they run. They run. Sometimes they trip, cut themselves. Break a heel. I see dust at their feet. Honestly, most people are pretty good about having a sense of humor. Some people come up and say, ‘I want to be in your act. Why aren’t I in your act?’ And I’m like, ‘You know what, Lara Flynn Boyle, you might think you want to be in my act, but you don’t.’ And then her lip implant knocked me to the ground. Right on my ass. But most people are pretty good.

Corey: You recently popped up on the reality show ‘The Surreal Life.’

Kathy: I was the taxi driver. That was one of the most bizarre days I’ve ever spent. Oh my god, what is Chyna on? Is she on TrimSpa? I guess that TrimSpa is pretty strong because what is does to people is almost like they’re on crystal meth.

Corey: I had the opportunity to meet Mini Me (Verne Troyer) once and shaking his hand was like shaking a cat’s paw. He’s almost not human.

Kathy: Right. He’s like half the size of a midget. Midgets feel like Kobe (Bryant) next to him. And I don’t mean a rapist; I just mean tall.

Corey: The D-list phrase has become your thing, but for those people on ‘The Surreal Life,’ what list are they on?

Kathy: Here’s my theory: I think the D should be as low as you can go. Like I’ve had people go, ‘If you’re D, then I’m E.’ No, no, no, it’s just the buck stops at D. What’s the point? Because otherwise you’re gonna get into Z and then AA and BB. I say D is the bottom of the barrel and we all just kind of swim around in the D soup together. And some of us are just trying to keep our head above the water and some of us are going under. That’s it, that’s as far as it can go.

Corey: What’s it going to take for you to crack the C?

Kathy: Don’t think I haven’t put some thought into it. I think for me to get back to C, I’m thinking regular on a sitcom that has some viewers. I think if I can be on a sitcom that lasts more than six episodes, I’m gonna go ahead and out myself back on C. That doesn’t mean my agents will. My agents will think I’m D no matter what.

Corey: Your Bravo show could be seen as a sitcom.

Kathy: It really is more of a reality show. It’s more like ‘Newlyweds/Osbournes’ but hopefully, I’m funny. It will be a reality show with a funny, funny pretty lady. That’s what I want the title to be.

Corey: How long have they been filming you?

Kathy: Since October. And they’re going to be coming with me and see my life on the road.

Corey: Any ugly moments so far that they might have picked up?

Kathy: I actually have a one-nighter on Wednesday in Grand Rapids, (Michigan), at a car show, and I’m not even kidding. If that’s not ugly, I don’t know what is.

Corey: So you’re going to be …?

Kathy: A car show, Corey. It’s a car show, OK. They’re kind of calling it a benefit show but it’s some car show in Grand Rapids, and I’m performing in the convention center on the floor. So people will be maybe looking at the new Maserati, and then they’ll hear me tell a story about Portia de Rossi. I’m on the Nissan stage which is not a good sign. I might just be standing on the hood, who knows? I’ll be rockin’ the car show in Grand Rapids on Wednesday night.

Corey: Do you travel with a notebook or tape recorder or anything or are you attuned to these moments you talk about on stage?

Kathy: I’m attuned and I also record it in my mind, and then I put my spin on it anyway. I don’t actually do transcripts but I remember what I remember and I tell it in my way. The stuff in my act is true but hopefully I put it through a funny filter—a filter of funny.

Corey: What kind of feedback have you gotten from people you talk about on the DVD?

Kathy: Not one person, not one person. I will tell you, I have like the greatest reviews on Amazon dot com. I have so many nice, wonderful reviews and I’m just living off those. I actually haven’t had one subject of one of the stories say something. They don’t know about it. These people don’t know. They don’t give a shit. They’re in their fame bubble. What could I possibly say about Jennifer Aniston that would ever get back to her? She’s got bigger fish to fry.

Corey: I was thinking maybe Brooke Shields’ mom would be in a Blockbuster and see you on the cover and rent it.

Kathy: Brooke Shields has come to see me do that story live so she knew the whole thing. Besides the fact that she was present for it; besides the fact that at the wedding she turned to me and said, ‘You have to put this in your act.’ And I said, ‘Consider it done. Believe me, it’s in.’

Corey: What are you talking about during the new show, the car show?

Kathy: The car show, I don’t know, because they told me it’s Bush country, which makes me very uneasy. To me, that means I’m just arrested. I could say anything and just go to jail.

Corey: He’s up for a Razzie.

Kathy: I thought Razzies were just for actors?

Corey: They are, but he’s up for Worst Supporting Actor in ‘Fehrenheit 9/11.’

Kathy: Oh, that’s great. What’s going on with that? When’s the world going to go right side up again? I feel like the world’s upside down and I don’t know how gravity works anymore. But anyway, the car show, I don’t even know. At the show you’re seeing, I’m gonna let loose. I have lots of really good stuff. I have my latest Clay Aiken run in—and there have been many. I have a really good taking down Ryan Seacrest story, because his jig’s gotta be up.

Corey: I would think.

Kathy: He has gotta go away at some point. He can’t just continue to exist with no talent, no appeal—and he just won’t go away.

I’ll definitely be describing what I call FanningGate. The Dakota Fanning fallout. It’s bigger than Watergate if you think about it. I’m sure I’ll have more red carpet-y gossip. Whatever’s in the news—and when I say the news, I mean The Star.

Corey: I take it you have a subscription
.

Kathy: I don’t and I really should. I’m afraid if I get a subscription it won’t come fast enough. What if I have to get it the second day it’s out? I’m really excited; they already sent the Golden Globe thing. I’ve already been in this week’s US Weekly’s Worst Dressed list—which by the way, I want to say, is a great picture. I’m totally standing by the picture because it’s one of the nicest pictures that’s ever been in the magazine. People Magazine did a really lovely little column quoting my questions, which was a riot. And then Entertainment Weekly printed the E! apology to Team Fanning.

Corey: That’s where I heard about it, on the EW Web site.

Kathy: EW, so I’m telling you, I’m getting a lot of ink. I couldn’t be happier. Now it’s all negative. Actually the People Magazine one is really good.

Corey: As long as it keeps your name out there.

Kathy: It’s important that people know, No. 1, I’m still funny and No. 2, I’m still a horrible dresser.

Corey: What were they expecting anyway, for you to play it straight?

Kathy: They billed me on the E! Web site as ‘No holds barred comedian.’ I didn’t bar any holds, so I totally delivered.

Corey: I didn’t think it was that harsh.

Kathy: What, the joke? Of course not. I didn’t say, ‘She’s horrible’ or ‘She’s a bad actress.’ I think that was so funny because on the red carpet, they give these messages of encouragement. Remember when Ben Affleck went to rehab and they had all these big stars going, ‘He’s the bravest person I’ve ever met.’ Brave? He went to rehab in Malibu. What I did for the red carpet was try and come up with ideas that were a spin on all the normal things. I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if we offered messages of hope to little Dakota Fanning, who entered rehab?’ She’s 9, come on!

Corey: It’s not that impossible. Remember Drew Barrymore?

Kathy: Oh, she was at the ripe old age of 13, for Chrissakes. She was over the hill.

Corey: I hear 13 is the new 9.

Kathy: I thought it was the new pink?

Corey: What comics do you follow?

Kathy: I love my own contemporaries. I love the classic comics. I grew up with the Bill Cosby records and all that, but I love Margaret Cho and Janeane Garofalo and Sandra Bernhard. I think Patton Oswalt is really funny. I mostly enjoy the comics I know and perform with. Greg Proops I think is brilliant. And Zach Galifianakis. Whenever I do a line-up show—which I don’t do too many of because I’m (whispered) too famous—if I’m going to do a line-up show, I like to go first and sit back and watch everybody else.

Corey: You don’t really dish on comics
.

Kathy: Because my whole thing is dishing on people who don’t have a sense of humor about themselves—Star Jones. So I have no gripe with comics.

Corey: Who’s the biggest person in your cell phone?

Kathy: (sigh) Lance Bass from N*SYNC. That’s bad, right? Are you OK.

Corey: Really?

Kathy: Look, I’m on the D-list, honey.

The next time I spoke to Kathy, her reality show was on Bravo, but not the hit it has since become. She opened up about how she gets banned from talk shows, what she was like in high school and how she became besties with us gays.

Corey: What can you do to compete with the Bobby Brown TV show drama?

Kathy Griffin: Yeah, I’ve worked up quite a game plan. I’m going to start eating crystal meth. I’m not gonna smoke it or whatever to beat Bobby and Whitney with the amount of crack they do and the amount of sweating they do. I’m also gonna have a kid like Whitney and the forget the kid’s name all the time, and pretty much use the kid as a punching bag while I’m at it.

Corey: Do you have a name yet?

Kathy: Yeah, I’m gonna name the kid Kathy Matt, because it seems like Bobby Brown will only name his children some version of Robert. Or I might just name the kid Bobby Christina. And then throw it on the gauntlet. Matt and I are gonna do a lot more singing and dancing and camping.

Corey: I don’t think I’ve ever heard you sing.

Kathy: Ironically, now I can sing better than Whitney Houston. That’s weird.

Corey: Are you gonna do another season of ‘My Life on the D-List’?

Kathy: I don’t know because it was very, very difficult having cameras follow you for five months. In fact it was a nightmare. I’d like to sugarcoat it, but it was really a nightmare. Also they put all the lights in the house. There’s crew in the house. Every time you wake up, they’re like having a donut, ‘Hey, Kath!’ For five months, it’s really tough. It’s also tough for Matt. He’s a computer consultant for Chrissakes. He doesn’t need to be walking around with a mic pack on. I don’t know.

Corey: Were they good to your house? You have a very beautiful home.

Kathy: Thank you; I love this house so much. They were good to the house. Here’s a little insider thing that I’ve never told anyone, because it’s so boring no one ever cared, but I’m gonna share it with you: You know what was one of the toughest things, when you shoot in a house you have to put gels on all the windows, so when you shoot in the daytime the light doesn’t get in. The entire house has sunglasses on. I found that incredibly depressing because the thing about this house is it’s all windows and doors. It’s very light; great views. After a while it was so depressing. Even when the sun was out, it was so dark you had to put lights on during the day. It’s the one thing that I really hated, then I found out they did that with ‘The Osbournes’ and ‘The Newlyweds’ and all that. They didn’t harm the house in anyway.