Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians (31 page)

Corey: What kind of reactions have you gotten from your friends?

Bruce: They love it. They think I look younger. I guess I do, but I also look like I have a face like a canned ham. It’s exactly the shape of a canned ham.

Corey: Are you planning on growing it back?

Bruce: I don’t know. It’s not like I’m in love with shaving. I have no plans one way or the other. Maybe I’ll pierce something instead.

Corey: You were a head writer on the infamous “Star Wars Holiday Special,” which only aired once. What do you remember about the filming?

Bruce: Had I known I’d still be talking about this piece of shit 30 years later, I’d have payed closer attention. I said to George Lucas at the time, ‘You’ve chosen as your lead characters these creatures that sound like fat people having an orgasm. It’s hard to write for someone who goes (dead-on Wookie impression).’ He just kind of smiled and walked away.

Corey: Bette Midler was here with her show in December. How much were you involved in the writing for this tour?

Bruce: We were working on it for like six months. When she went into rehearsal, I was in rehearsal. From there, it went to cyber: telephone, faxes and e-mails—things like that.

Corey: Does she still get with you?

Bruce: Yeah, we talk almost every day, adding new stuff.

Corey: How do you bill someone like that?

Bruce: A pound of flesh. I use the old Shakespearean method.

Corey: How many A-list people carry around your number in their cell phones?

Bruce: Not as many as C-list people. My name is in some of the more sinister rolodexes in the world.

Corey: Have things changed for you as a joke writer as you’ve become more famous yourself?

Bruce: I do less of it now because I’m busy working on my own stuff. I have a library of friends who ask and call me. Mostly now, it’s on a favor basis. I’m happy to do that, especially since I’m making a weekly paycheck.

Corey: I love you in ‘The Ice Pirates,’ where you play just a head.

Bruce: You and Ted Turner. He shows it on one of his 400 channels at least once a month—can’t escape it. Every now and again I get a call from Angelica Huston saying, ‘How can we stop him?’

Corey: What kind of direction did you get to play just a head?

Bruce: Mostly it was, ‘Hold still.’ I was supposed to be a disembodied head, so a lot of it was ‘Hold still, because this is not your body.’ The body was not allowed to move a whole lot. Acting is all in the face anyway. Isn’t that what Norma Desmond said? ‘All in the face.’

Corey: Any long-term projects coming up?

Bruce: I’m writing a novel, so we’ll see what happens with that. There are a couple things that are gestating, but if I talk about them too much, they’ll never get born. I’ll remain pregnant forever—which is what I look like.

Before she won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for playing an abusive mama in “Precious,” she played a crack ho’ named Precious in the little-seen film “Shadowboxer.”

Queen of Comedy Mo’Nique was a riot in “The Parkers,” a rare hit sitcom starring plus-size ladies. My partner, Kendall, is a huge fan of that show, and he was a little shocked when I introduced him to Mo’Nique’s raw, sexually-charged stand-up.

It was in a comedy special recorded at a women’s prison that got us both teary-eyed, though. And I was pleased to discover that Mommyhood did not soften this queen of comedy.

Corey: Are you a morning person, typically?

Mo’Nique: With twins you have to be a 24-hour person. I don’t even give myself a time no more. The sun is out; it must be daytime. OK, I’m gonna go wit’ it.

Corey: How old are your twin boys?

Mo’Nique: 11 months.

Corey: Oh, goodness. They’re keeping you pretty busy I imagine.

Mo’Nique: Baby! Oh my goodness, last night I think they were really trying me. One would go to sleep; one would wake up. One would go to sleep; one would wake up. Then they both woke up and just looked at me like, ‘We’re here.’ I’m like, ‘OK, you know I got to do an interview in the morning.’ They were like, ‘We don’t care. We want to play.’ I’m a 24-hour person, Corey.

Corey: How is it juggling a career like yours with two babies at home?

Mo’Nique: You know what, my husband, their dad, is incredible. We have two wonderful nanas. It’s such a wonderful team; everybody knows their position. For me, I was really blessed and very lucky that I don’t have that problem.

Corey: Is your stand-up material starting to change now that you’re a mom?

Mo’Nique: Oh my God, is it? I talk a lot about them, because in my stand-up, I only talk about what’s real to me. I don’t know how to tell jokes, but let me tell you all what’s going on in my life. That’s my therapy.

Corey: That’s working out for you?

Mo’Nique: Oh, my God. I’ve never had to pay somebody. ‘How much you want to charge me to tell you what’s happenin’? Uh uh. Nope, I’m gonna go to the stage.’

Corey: Have you gotten to a point in your career where you don’t have to worry about a producer saying, ‘I’m sorry, but you’re just not the right size we’re looking for.’

Mo’Nique: From day one I’ve never had to worry about that. Often in Hollywood, they don’t know what they want. Like the movie ‘Shadowboxer’ I did, that character was designed for a white woman, 22, with big boobs. Now baby, when they said, ‘Action,’ it was a black woman, 38, with size B cups. I don’t know how that happened, Corey.

Corey: You did a stint co-hosting ‘The View,’ while they were running through some people. If they offered you that full-time gig, would you take it?

Mo’Nique: I would have an absolute ball, but I don’t think they would offer that to me.

Corey: Why do you think that?

Mo’Nique: I think that the personalities are just too big. So many personalities, and they’re so very strong. The time I did do it, it was like, ‘Wow, the personalities are really big there.’

Corey: I would imagine it would be a pretty big competition just to get your voice heard.

Mo’Nique: Well, Core, you know I’m gonna get my voice heard. I don’t give a damn; I’m gonna say it. That’s why I don’t think they’re gonna invite me back, because I kept saying what I had to say. You’re not gonna cut me off, sugar, I’m gonna say it.

Corey: Did it give you enough of a taste that you’d like to do your own talk show someday?

Mo’Nique: I can’t wait to do my own talk show. And I know it’s going to happen when it’s supposed to. I love to talk, Corey. I’ve got a lot of stuff I want to talk about. So that day will come.

Corey: My partner is still a big fan of ‘The Parkers,’ and he Tivos it every day.

Mo’Nique: I love him.

Corey: A few months ago I said, ‘Let me introduce you to Mo’Nique’s stand up,’ because he had never seen ‘The Queens of Comedy.’ He was a little surprised how frank you are when you talk about sex.

Mo’Nique: Oh yeah, Miss Parker and Mo’Nique, two different people, baby. I’ve had people when I first started ‘The Parkers’ that were introduced to me from ‘The Parkers’ and not my stand-up. So when I would come to the city to do the show, they would come in thinking they were gonna see Miss Parker. But I would start off with, ‘Listen, I appreciate you all watchin’ the show, but Miss Parker, that bitch is not here. Mo’Nique is here. So let’s be clear, because I don’t want nobody walkin’ away saying, “Oh, my God. What is happening?”’

Corey: Now that you’ve got babies at home, are you still talking about sex on stage?

Mo’Nique: Of course, that’s how they got here. I’m not the Virgin Mary, baby, I can promise you that. It wasn’t like, ‘Oh, my God, I’m pregnant.’ ‘Well girl, how did that happen?’ ‘I don’t know. I just woke up one morning …’ No. No, indeed.

Corey: How would you describe your fans?

Mo’Nique: Wow. Loyal. Very loyal. Trusting. I trust them that they’ll trust me. I love my family, and those fans are my family. With my family, they allow me to live a certain way, and I love them for that. I take not one single one for granted, and I never understood when you have some celebrities, ‘Oh, I don’t sign autographs’ or ‘I don’t take pictures.’ Well dummy, that’s your boss. That’s who you work for. I love them.

Corey: What do you do for yourself that makes you feel good?

Mo’Nique: Wake up. That’s it. Wake up, Corey, because this could be different. I didn’t have to wake up this morning, but I don’t know where I would have woke up at! I hope to God I would have woke up at the good place. ‘Hey Lord!’ Just for me, every day it’s like I’m thankful for another day, and after that it’s gravy.

Corey: Do you have any routine or traditions that you do before you go onstage?

Mo’Nique: I shake. I shake and I pray. And I get those butterflies, baby. As they’re calling my name I think I’m gonna pass out. Like, oh, my God, it’s me.

Corey: Who do you think right now is sexy as hell?

Mo’Nique: Me. Naw. (laughs) My husband. My husband is so, Corey, and here’s the thing, I’ve known him since I was 14. We’ve been best friends since we were 14 years old. Back then I was like, ‘Eww.’ Now it’s like, ‘Wow.’ Like he is just, mmm, yeah. You had a Hershey bar with the almonds?

Corey: Yeah.

Mo’Nique: Oh baby, that’s what it is. That’s what it is.

Corey: What is your favorite body part?

Mo’Nique: I would have to say my calves.

Corey: They treat you pretty good?

Mo’Nique: Yeah because I mountain climb. And they’re getting really, really thick and sexy. I like to put my heels on and look at ’em. (laughs) Is that vain, Corey?

Corey: No.

Mo’Nique: I put my heels on and look at ’em in the bathroom, naked.

Corey: What’s the most diva-like thing about you?

Mo’Nique: The most diva thing is I will be furious if there’s not Buffalo wings and blue cheese in my dressing room because I don’t ask for a lot, Corey. I just want some Buffalo wings and blue cheese—the flat pieces, real saucy. That’s what’s on my rider. Some people got crazy riders, like a case of Moet. All I want is the Buffalo wings and blue cheese, that’s it.

Corey: Do you think the ‘Fabulous and Thick’ thing works for men, too?

Mo’Nique: Oh, my God, yes. See, here’s the thing. Everybody is saying that America is overweight, right? America is. Well, Americans live in America, and there are a lot of men that live in America that are Americans that are F-A-T. Yeah, it works for men, too.