Landon's Obsession: An Endless Series: Book 3 (Series 3) (37 page)

     I gave him a smile to try to ease his apprehensiveness.
“She likes you, but she’s young. She knows what a daddy is, but right now it’s
just a word to her. She needs to build that connection with you. Children need
regularity with people for affection to grow.”

     He nodded in understanding, but I could see a sorrow
behind it. “I wish…” He shook his head.

     That he wished said a lot, and now I nodded in sad
understanding. “I know.” I replied, squeezing his hands again.

     We sat there quietly for a moment and I wondered if we
were both thinking the same thing. I was wondering where our lives might have
gone if Kris hadn’t ruined everything. If Nola was Landon’s would we have
stayed together, became a family…or would he have distanced himself, scared off
by the responsibility of it all. He didn’t appear fearful about it at the
moment, but we were older, and I couldn’t deny that at the time I’d been scared
shitless at finding myself pregnant. Although, I’d had other issues besides the
pregnancy on my mind, but even without that I’m sure I would have still been
scared.

     “You thinking the same thing I am?” Landon asked,
circling his thumb over the skin of my hands.

     “How can I possibly know what you’re thinking?” I
responded huskily.

     “I can almost see the ‘what if’ in your eyes.” He
replied, his voice just as husky. “Can you see it in mine?”

     The intimacy of the moment abruptly got to me and I
pulled my hands from his. Standing I grabbed the plates and headed for the
sink. “What if’s are like wishing on a star…they’re futile.”

     Landon came up behind me with the glasses, setting them
in the sink. “Doesn’t mean we stop wishing.” He countered.

     I flipped on the water and began rinsing the dishes.
“We can’t go back in time, or change the past, Landon.”

     He sighed. “You’re right. All we can do is go forward
and I want you to know that I’m going to be here. I want to be a fixed figure
in Nola’s life, not a transitory one. You say you want that for her as well,
but are you going to be able to handle seeing me nearly every day?”

     Was there more to that question than the obvious? My
heart fluttered in my chest at the thought of seeing him everyday.

     “Of course.”
God,
was there a frog in my throat.

     “Maya, I can’t believe you aren’t still carrying a
shi…truckload of resentment toward me. You say you’ve had time to see my point
of things, but I was a dick toward you. You had to go through your pregnancy
all alone, and then had to raise Nola by yourself these past three years.”

     I stacked the plates in the dish holder. “Landon, I
wasn’t alone. My mother was there for me the whole way, and while yes, you were
a dick, I understand why. Of course understanding doesn’t eradicate all my
bitterness, but time heals all things. The last three months has done wonders
in that area already.”

     Landon was quiet as I finished up the glasses. I’d
turned off the water and was wiping my hands when he spoke again. “Maya, why
didn’t your mother make you go to the police, or at least confront my parent’s
about it? Why would she just quit and let what happened to you stand?”

     The umbrage in his tone toward my mother was obvious
and I turned on him angrily. “Don’t you lay any kind of blame on my mama for what
happened to me. I didn’t tell her I was raped until months later, and I don’t
know what you are talking about by saying she quit. My mama didn’t quit; she
was fired.”

     Landon looked completely taken aback. “Your mother said
she was fired. My mother told me she quit.”

     I threw down the hand towel on the counter. “Well she
lied. Your mother fired mama. Said it was too awkward working with her after
their children had gone out and broke up. So not only did I have to deal with
being drugged and raped, and dumped callously by someone I…” I wasn’t going to
go there again, “I also had to take responsibility for mama losing her job.” I
had to swallow hard to get the emotional ball down my throat and shuddered out
a breath after it went down.

     Landon stared at me in bewildered and agonized
astonishment. “God Maya, can you kill me any more…I was told that your mother
quit. I thought she quit because we broke up, but then when I found out what
really happened…” He shook his head and his eyes were contemplative as he
whispered. “Why would she lie?” His gaze snapped back to the moment. “Why
didn’t you tell your mother?”

     I inhaled shakily and paced around the island. “After
deciding not to press charges, and you breaking up with me, I just wanted to
hide. For a nearly a whole week I hid out in my room, not speaking to anyone.
Mama would knock on my door and ask me what was wrong but I just told her I
wanted to be left alone. I didn’t even tell her about our break-up. She heard
about it from your mother when she was fired. That’s when she finally stormed
my room. I was never certain if it was to yell at me for my part in getting her
fired or if it was to confront me for not leaving my room for five days. All I
know is that when she saw me she became instantly alarmed, asking me had
happened; what you did to me.”

     Five days of crying, barely eating, and no showers had
left me looking ravaged. I hadn’t gotten a look at myself in a mirror, but my
mother’s alarmed expression had said it all.

     “Before I was able to tell her anything she began
blaming herself for bringing me into that house, for putting me in your sights.
Seeing her guilt…I couldn’t tell her. If she knew that I’d gotten raped instead
of just dumped the guilt would be even worse. So I let her think that I was
just going through a bad break-up.”

     Landon was gripping the island counter rigidly while I
recounted my story, his eyes swirling with emotions.

     “Seeing her concern got me moving. I got up out of my
bed, out of my room. I went back to work. I went to school. I did my best to
put what happened behind me.” I didn’t tell him that it hadn’t worked out that
well. I’d barely been eating, and I’d pulled away from all my friends. My
grades had fallen abysmally.

     “About five months later I passed out in school. Mama
was called and she took me to the doctor.” I’d passed out from malnutrition.
“That’s when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t handle the news very well.”
Understatement. I’d gotten hysterical and passed out again. “It was at this
point that mama found out about the rape. She wanted to go to the police, your
parent’s, but that just made my emotions worse and with the pregnancy I
couldn’t handle that. So she said we’d discuss it after the baby was born. But
after Nola was born neither of us wanted Kris or your family anywhere near
her.” Again, I left out certain details. I was too ashamed to confess them.

     Landon stared at me with tormented eyes, but I could
only handle so much of it. What happened to me wasn’t his fault. “Stop looking
at me like you are responsible for what happened.” I whispered angrily, aware
of Nola in the next room. Landon’s head snapped back at my angry frustration.
“I can’t handle the guilt in your eyes. I had to see it in my mama’s eyes for
so long and it just made everything worse. Your brother is to blame and that is
the only person who should be drowning in shame.” 

     Admitting that made me suddenly realize that I needed
to unload my own. I slumped down on the bar stool next to me. The guilt left
Landon’s face and concern replaced it.

     “Are you okay?” He asked, rushing around to my side.

     I blew out a breath, as well as a load of feelings. “I
just realized that I have been carrying around a lot of guilt and shame
myself.”

     Landon rocked back in shock. “What could you possibly
be guilty or ashamed about?”

     I stared down at the counter, my hands in front of me
splayed flat. “I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant.”

     Landon sat down next to me. “That’s completely
understandable.” I stated with no censure.

     “It was more than just an unplanned pregnancy
terrified. It was,
‘God, I’m carrying a rapists baby in my belly’
,
terrified. My first thought was that I wanted it out of me.”

     I waited for his gasp of shock and outrage, but he did
neither. His hand reached out for mine, settling on top of them. “Again,
completely understandable.”

     I looked over at him with a frown. “But…”

     He shook his head stopping me. There was no longer any
guilt in his eyes, only comforting support. “No buts, you were dealing with so
much, Maya. I wish I could have been there for you, supported you, but I’m so
glad you had your mother. She got you through that, didn’t she?”

     I inhaled that comfort like it was life. I’d needed to
hear that. “Yeah. She reminded me that it could be yours, and that she’d had
sort of the same feelings about me; that I was going to be a burden and
unwelcome reminder of something from her past. But she said everything changed
when she first laid eyes on me. She fell in love with me instantly. She didn’t
try to convince me that it would be the same for me, and she told me that adoption
was always an option. What she said…it calmed me, got me through it. And when
Nola came it was the same for me as it had been for her.” I smiled in
remembrance. “I fell in love with Nola immediately.”

     He smiled with me. “I don’t know how anyone could not
love her.”

     I chuckled. “Don’t be thinking she’s an angle. That
daughter of ours is manipulative and devilish. She’s a handful.” 

     His eyes lit up when I said ‘ours’ and he squeezed my
hand. “I can’t wait to find out.” He declared with sincerity.

     I suddenly felt lighter; the burden of shame and bitterness
not so heavy on me. I stared at Landon with a renewed sense of hope.

     “Mommy, come play Lego’s wif me.”

     We laughed at Nola’s command.

     “Remind you of anyone?” I ribbed, standing up.

     He adopted a look of affront as he followed suit. “Are
you saying she gets that from me?”

     “Mama said I was a quiet little angel, so I know she
doesn’t get it from me.” I lied blatantly.

     He narrowed his eyes. “When I win your mother over I’m
going to totally blow that argument out of the water.”

     I laughed. “You’re so certain you’ll win her over.”

     “I’m going to lay myself at her feet and beg if I have
to.”

     Feeling a little freer than I had in a long time I cocked
my head at him and smirked. “That just might do it.”

Chapter Five

LANDON

     After Nola called for us to go play with her we all
spent thirty minutes building as high as we could with her Lego’s. The girl was
tenacious and tried several times to get it as tall as me. Finally we were able
to get it there and once she reached her goal she was set for the day and
decided to show me her room, and all her toys, and all her movies. She was
yawning and still wanted to show me her play area outside, but Maya said it
would have to wait until next time because it was past Nola’s nap time. I
looked at my watch and realized I’d spent nearly three hours here.

     Shit, it had gone by so fast.      

     Maya and I made plans for me to come over tomorrow at
six for dinner…with her mother and stepfather. Nerves bombarded me all over
again. I wanted…needed her mother’s approval; nearly as much as Maya’s
forgiveness, and Nola’s love and acceptance. Getting her support had me
thinking I was one step closer to all if it.

     On my way back to the house I made a call to my mother
and she actually picked up.

     “Landon, it’s so good to hear from you.”

     “If you would answer or return my calls you would hear
from me more.” I rebuked sarcastically.

     There was a slight pause before she answered. “I just
can’t keep hearing you accuse your brother of such a filthy act. I won’t listen
to it, and frankly it saddens me immensely that you would even think it just
because of some girl’s word. So if you’re calling to talk about that again I’m
going to have to go.”

     “Actually mother, it’s not just one girl’s word now.
I’ve spoken to Maya and she confirmed it.”

     There was a small inhalation and a longer silence. “And
you just believe
her
…when you still haven’t talked with your brother…allowing
him to tell you
his
side?”

     “I told you mother, I believed it before. I observed
Kris’s reaction when I confronted him with the vague bits and pieces I did
know. And him not showing his face for three month’s just further confirms it.
I don’t know how you and father can keep making excuses for him?” I bit out
angrily.  

     I heard her huff through the phone. “He’s scared of
your threats, Landon. You said you were going to kill him, and even after all
this time you are still irrationally angry.”

     I frowned at her words, and fury spiked in me. “Mother,
how would he know that I was threatening him, or that I’m still angry at him?”

     More silence.

     “Mother, have you been speaking with Kris? Dammit
mother, have you been telling him to stay away?” I yelled. The idea of her
helping him hide pissed me off beyond measure.

     “Landon, don’t you yell at me.” She snapped.

     “Son of a bitch…” I hollered. There was a fumbling and
my father’s voice came over the line.

     “Landon, stop yelling at your mother.” He rebuked.

     I yelled back. “She’s been in contact with him. She’s
probably been helping him to lay low and that’s why my guy hasn’t been able to
find the asshole.”

     “Landon, what are you talking about?” He hollered in
return. My father didn’t often raise his voice so he must be reaching a
pinnacle of his impatience.