Lancelot and the Wolf (10 page)

Night soon became an urgent problem. I wouldn’t risk an open rutted road with no starlight or moonlight so, we stopped and made camp. Else had organised us good provisions and we arranged our makeshift home quickly. She started to cook a simple potage while I tethered the horses.

I brushed Mercury down with short efficient strokes and I considered my options. My choices were limited and they would affect the rest of my life if I could just find it in myself to forgive some stupid bloody decisions. I finished the horse quickly, wanting to talk more than think. I’d been thinking all too much recently.

I walked back to the camp and watched Else for a moment. A vivid flash of how she felt in my arms bounced happily out of my memory, a small sound escaped my lips. She turned, her smile faded as she saw whatever was in my face. I fought for control and won, walking back into the firelight calmly.

“
We need to talk,” I began. Else watched me, slightly wary. I sat on a log by the fire and looked into it rather than at my companion. “We need a plan for tackling Arthur. He’s not going to be willing to listen to us without being forced to do so. And it’s hard to make him do anything.”

“
Alright, well, I was planning on just riding into Camelot and asking to see him,” Else said.

“
If we do that he will have me arrested on sight and you packed off to your brother without considering any other option.” I realised my hands shook slightly. I needed a drink. Great one addiction to control another. I have all the brains of a water vole.

“
So, what’s the plan?” she asked dishing up a bowl of potage. The smell was fantastic. Thick and warming, I really needed to eat.

“
I challenge Arthur on the tourney field. He can’t resist a fight. All I have to do is beat him and he’ll be forced to listen to me. He always offers his knights a gift, ‘You can have anything you like if you win, but my wife or my kingdom.’ So, I’ll just ask him to listen to me.”

Else reached across the space between us with my bowl. I didn’t think about the consequences as I took the bowl. Our fingers brushed and that spark bit us both. We froze, our hands held out with the wooden bowl between us, part of us. Her eyes were so big, her mouth slightly open, she looked tired. The ache in my loins grew painful. I slowly drew my hand back, bowl held in a crushing embrace. Else settled back on her heels and stared into the fire taking deep breaths.

I continued with my plan but my voice thickened, growing heavy and desperate, “Once we have Arthur’s attention, we will find Merlin and we can sort this mess out.” I finished vaguely. I tried to eat, forcing myself now my stomach had lost interest.

“
Can you win?” she asked.

I laughed, “Of course I can win. I’m the best he has.”

“
You’ve not fought for months and you are suffering under some great burdens,” she said carefully.

“
You mean, I look like shit, my body is a wreck of addictions and my focus is all over the place? I know, Else, but I’m still the best there is, as I think I proved earlier.” The thick stew warmed my guts and took the edge off everything I suffered.

“
Well, at least you know your limitations,” she said laughing slightly. “Pride not being one of them.”

I smiled, “We will go to a friend of mine. I’ll need some new equipment and we have no coin. He will not betray us to anyone.”

“
You mean my brother?”

“
Among others,” I paused. The shadow of the mighty Stephen de Clare towered over our campfire. I needed to perform damage limitation, saving Else’s reputation should to be a priority. At least some of the people at Court would remember a de Clare sibling. The words stuck in my throat. A confusion of emotion caused a logjam of thoughts. Part of me wanted to still be angry because I didn’t know which of my thoughts were real or caused by her magic. Part of me just wanted to acknowledge I desired her even before knowing she was a woman. Part of me wanted to simply run. “Else,” I tried again, but she held up her hand.

“
Don’t, look, Lancelot, I know how hard this is for you so just listen. My brother need never know about what happened. It shouldn’t have done anyway and if he tests my virginity,” she shuddered at the thought, “then I can lie. I’ve been out of their hands for a long time. We will just play it that you found me, recognised me and convinced me to come home. Then I’ll ask Arthur to interfere and stop Stephen marrying me to some idiot. If he won’t then I guess I’ll run again, or marry some man and breed his children.” The anger and bitterness in her words shocked me. She also sounded horribly resigned.

The thought of her marrying someone else did not make me happy. I’d taken her maidenhead and now I would lie about it so I didn’t have to be burdened with her. My quandary lay in the fact I hadn’t done it under my own volition, but I knew full well if I’d been cognisant of the all the information, her virginity would still be mine to claim.

“
Else,” I said. “Come here,” I couldn’t move to her. I didn’t trust myself.

She came slowly, warily, as though I really were the wolf. I felt like one, suddenly I would have my prey between my jaws. Her large brown eyes betrayed her fear and desperation. She looked down. I reached up and took her hands. The energy between us rushed and I fought for control of my mind at the contact. I began to lose. The fog rushed through my consciousness. She must have felt or seen it happen because she cried out and pulled her hands back roughly.

“
Damn it,” I cursed, the fog receding. With every muscle in my body knotted and full of power, I reached for my riding gloves and pulled them on with sharp movements. I rose. Else backed off, I reached out and grabbed her hand.

“
Please, don’t run, it’ll just make this harder.” The need to hunt this woman made me sick. I pulled her into my embrace, thick layers of clothing between us, I possessed her and the predator in me backed down. He grew peaceful now he sensed my prey relax in my arms. I smiled. The gloves helped. I held her with the gloves and it eased the honest need I had to be with her without triggering the magic.

“
It works,” I said. “I can feel you but not the spell.” I allowed my hands to move over her body, holding her waist and the back of her head. I pressed her close, tucking her head under my chin. We stood together like that for long minutes.

“
I wish I knew how I really felt,” I whispered. “I want to love you, Else. But I don’t know if it is honest. I do know I have no wish to hide behind your skirts when facing your brother and I have no intention of seeing you marry some fat fool.”

Else sighed, “I cannot ask for your protection, my Lord, I have no right.”

“
You are my squire, you have every right.”

“
There is one thing I haven’t told you,” she said quietly.

I felt the tension return to my body at her words, “What?” I couldn’t hide the darkness. She withdrew from my arms and I let her.

“
It’s to do with the spell. I think we might be able to break it, so we could have an honest love between us if that’s what you want. I didn’t mention it because you were so angry there didn’t seem much point.” She rushed with her words as though terrified I would turn into a monster again before she had a chance to speak. “Merlin will be able to break this spell. Then we can discover how much of this is right.” Her eyes pleaded with me not to be angry with her.

The anger burned but I realised its pointlessness. There was nothing I could do except hurt us both, “Merlin can help?”

She nodded. I gently pulled her back into my arms, “Then we have a place to start, Else. I am not giving you back to your brother. I wouldn’t have done it before this spell, I will not do it now,” I thought I understood how I felt. I did love this woman. What form that love took, I did not yet know, but admitting it existed seemed a good place to start. “We will tell them we are married. Then, when we find Merlin and when the spell is broken, either we can stay together or I will find you somewhere safe to live. But you are now my responsibility. You are my squire.”

“
I cannot give you anything of myself,” she cried desperately.

“
You don’t need too. We cannot afford for my mind to be lost in a cloud of fog, so lying together isn’t a plan. We need time, Else.” I gazed down into her brown eyes, without true physical contact and knew, spell or not, I would give my life for this woman. She deserved it far more than some I’d known. I held her face and she turned into my hand, her warm breath against the leather covering my palm. I bit back a groan knowing she would bolt if I proved unmanageable.

“
We should rest now,” I said, needing very much to be alone. She stepped back and the void of her absence burned through me but this time, this time I could have her back if I needed her.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The journey to find my friend proved uneventful, wet and long. Almost a week on bad roads in bad weather. We rode over a hill late one afternoon in the pouring rain. The trip did enable us to find our feet with each other under the new circumstances and we seemed to be managing our situation well. Every morning she broke camp and I trained with Ash if the weather and space permitted or I practiced sword techniques. When the pain of separation drove me to needing her or a drink too badly for me to continue, I’d stop. She would take my hand in both of hers and just hold me. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her and we didn’t speak, but the compromise helped my nerves and sanity. Thus, we managed my addiction. When she didn’t have to give my body its fix we would wear gloves and causal contact became common. I still ached for her, but it felt different. It came from me, so I welcomed my desire and carefully nurtured my feelings for the woman, not the fairy.

Geraint’s holdings were large. His family had taken me in as a squire, so I knew his land well and we’d been inside his borders most of the day. We now sat overlooking his central home. I watched the bustle of the thriving township preparing for the night. The home of the Fitzwilliam’s remained as large and imposing as always. A daunting prospect for any invading army.

The town lay in a tight sprawl under the watchful eye of a huge stone keep. Geraint’s father built the keep and it proved its worth against marauding enemies. The walls were seven feet thick in most places, with small slit windows on the outside. What remained invisible to Else was the inside of the keep. Geraint’s mother made certain it would also serve as a home. A large courtyard overlooked by full windows and open arches gave the place natural light and warmth. The back of the keep housed the great hall and kitchens, while the front, contained the living quarters. These overlooked the shoreline of the small cove and the sea. The cliff acted as a perfect defender. The land tumbled to the edge of this dangerous cliff, making the buildings around the keep sit on different levels. The effect being a slightly haphazard smattering of stone and wood buildings, clinging onto the edge of Cornwall and threatening to tip into the sea at the prompting of a strong cough.

Surrounding the whole stood a wall, designed to act as a killing field between the enemies and the defenders. It danced up and down the land trying to marry together the different levels. If the wall were ever breached the enemies would be trapped in a no man’s land. The whole town’s populous fit inside the keep if necessary and helped defend their home. It worked; people loved having that level of safety provided by their Lord. In return, they helped to maintain their assets.

Else touched my arm to bring my attention to her, “We need to finish the conversation about what we are going to tell your friends.”

I’d been thinking the same thing. “We tell them we are married,” I said firmly.

“
That’s not fair on you and will cause chaos with Stephen. Please, Lancelot, I need to defend myself. I have no wish to use you to protect my reputation.” She meant every stubborn word, the set of her jaw the only clue I needed.

I sighed, “Else, telling them we are not married makes you vulnerable in more ways than one. Accept my help and live on my honour for this.”

“
You are the Queen’s champion,” she continued.

I ignored that comment, “I am going to be your husband if Merlin manages to break this damn spell so I can love you without losing my mind,” I insisted.

We both sat on our respective wet horses and stared at each other. I’d just proposed. I hadn’t meant to put my thoughts in those terms. Another complication I didn’t need, but I also didn’t want to take the words back. Else blended with me perfectly. Rode as well as I did, she’d proved herself on the road and against attackers. If I had this woman in my life, I would never be lonely. I’d been alone for a very long time.

“
Oh,” she finally said.

I nodded once, slightly jerkily, “Good, now we know where we stand. We belong to each other and once this spell is broken we make it official, in the meantime Stephen can scream all he likes and he can’t take you from me.”

Else hesitated and then said, “Right.” She rode forward, Mercury walking with his head down, plodding slowly.

I frowned. Somehow, that didn’t feel like the correct response, especially under the circumstances. I didn’t quite know how to or even if, I’d have a definitive answer out of her. Did this mean she didn’t love me enough to marry me despite losing her virginity to me? I forced the problem to one side. It squirmed, protesting, wanting me to worry at it, but I knew how to control annoying thoughts. I forced the concerns into a dark corner and beat them into silence, informing them I had more pressing difficulties.