Knowing Me Knowing You (9 page)

‘
Kate, do you want me to repeat the options for you?
’
Larry
enquired
, bringing Kate back to the realisation that she was stood on a stage being scrutinised.

‘
No, no don’t repeat them
.
U
m
C,
I think, but well we have only been together six weeks,
’
Kate answered, dreading the outcome and the frailty of her knowledge of Joel being revealed to Miranda.

‘
Well done, that’s all done.
C
ome and join us Joel,
’
Larry spoke and he walked over to the booth, opened the door and let Joel out.

Joel followed Larry back towards centre stage and took hold of Kate’s hand, smi
ling at her. God he was so good-
looking but the fact that he seemed to be revelling in this ridiculous game show was less than attractive.

‘
Welcome back Joel
.
D
id you enjoy the Booth of Tranquillity?
’
Larry asked him.

‘
Apart from the Chris De Burgh
,
’
Joel answered.

‘
Good, good.
R
ight, Joel, let’s get straight down to business. The first question I asked Kate was
-
if Joel were a member of the cat family
what would he be? Would he be A,
a tiger, hot blooded
and always ready for action? B,
a panther, silky, sleek and perfectly aligned or would he be
C,
a pussy cat, cute, cuddly and romantic,
’
Larry informed.

‘
God, that’s a tough question,
it’s between two -
um I’ll go for a tiger,
’
Joel spoke.

‘
THAT’S RIGHT!!!! Well done Kate, you have one Kissing Gate on the board. Let’s see if we can make it two. I asked Kate, if Joel were planning a night out for you both which of these nights would he be more inclined to organise? Would he choose
A,
a night out at the cinema, to watch something romantic
,
B,
a night at the bowling, something fast paced to enjoy with friends or
C,
a night at the casino, something frivolous and exciting?
’

Kate couldn’t look anywhere. She didn’t care about getting things right or wrong now she just cared about getting off the stage and going home. Well, heading home and stopping at Threshers for some
Cape
White
.

‘
Probably all three but if I had to choose it would be
A,
the cinema,
’
Joel answered.

‘
Oh Joel!
That isn’t a match, bad luck Kate. She said the casino, perhaps something to arrange in the future
.
I
t seems she’s keen on spending your cash frivolously! OK, still only one Kissing Gate, right the final question
-
oh hang on
,
hang on,
who is this? It’s the Love Dove!
L
et’s hear it for the Love Dove people,
’
Larry shouted into the microphone.

Much to Kate’s utter disbelief the audience began singing and clapping to the tune of ‘When
T
he
Saints
Go Marching I
n’
.

Oh he’s our dove, so filled with lov
e

O
h he’s our dove so filled with love

His golden eggs could win you prizes

Oh he’s our dove so filled with love

She wanted to know exactly how many of the audience had had their drinks spiked. Alcohol alone could not account for the ridicu
lous display of singing and arm-
waving. It looked like they were all members of a pantomime chorus. She half expected thigh slapping and ‘He’s behind
you’s
’.

‘
It’s the Love Dove everyone
.
H
ey
Lovey
, does this mean that you’re going to lay one of your golden eggs for Kate and Joel?
’
Larry asked.

The bird-suited individual nodded its head and then proceeded to simulate straining
,
like he was about to do a dump. He flapped his wings and screwed up his beak and then somehow, through the magic of camera work and a stagehand in black, a golden egg appeared on the floor under the Love Dove’s backside. He picked it up, nestled it in his wing and took it over to Larry.

‘
The Love Dove folks!
Let’s hear it for the Love Dove! Thanks
Lovey
, off you
go
now for a li
ttle lie down. R
ight, now the way the Golden Egg
b
onus
r
ound works is that I will ask Kate the question hidden in
Lovey’s
egg which will be something about her and Kate must write down her answer on this board,
’
Larry explained.

Still holding the egg, the presenter collected a clipboard and marker pen from stage left and handed it over to Kate.

‘
Then, when Kate is happy with her answer I’ll ask the question to Joel, he’ll answer it and if it’s a match yo
u’ll get a hundred pounds
and a bonus Kissing Gate on
the board!
’
Larry spoke, encouraging the audience to get even more excited than they so obviously already were.

Kate could just make out Miranda behind the myriad of cameras and lights pointing her way. She was smiling up at her, a sickeningly sweet smile of satisfaction. Kate knew she was in no doubt she was loathing every moment of the game show and that would make her night,
well
probably her weekend. But then Frank came into view as camera two moved to the left and he smiled so genuinely and gave her
a thumbs
up
,
it almost pulled at her heart strings.
Lovely Frank who liked her, rich Frank who gave her champagne at Christmas, Frank with the ill wife and a son who sponged off him constantly.
Kate smiled back at him and tried to swallow the knot of hopelessness that was caught in her throat. Then Colin Sykes got to his feet, clenched his fist into a ball and rolled his hand around in the air making gorilla noises. Kate kept the smile on her face, her cheeks aching. There was one thing she was certain of; they had definitely finished off the wine.

‘
OK, let’s open the egg - here we go.
T
here, right, Kate, the question is
-
and
remember
don’t say anything, just write the answer on the board
-
the question is
-
what is your middle name?
’
Larry spoke, making the question sound like rocket science.

Kate hurriedly wrote on the board and looked back to Larry.

‘
All done?
Final answer?
Don’t need to ask the audience?
’

‘
You said I wasn’t allowed to say anything,
’
Kate reminded him, getting more and more annoyed with the presenter.

‘
OK then, Joel
-
what is Kate’s middle name?
’
Larry boomed excitedly.

‘
She doesn’t have one,
’
Joel responded almost confidently.

‘
And let’s see the board!
’
Larry exclaimed his eyes bulging in anticipation.

Kate turned the board around to show the audience and it said in large letters ‘Don’t have one’.

‘
YES!! A MATCH! Well done Joel! That’s two Kissing Gates on the board!
And
one hundred pounds.
There you are Kate, you can keep hold of that cheque, maybe spend it at that casino Joel is going to take you to, that’s lovely.
’

‘
Lovely,
’
Kate repeated.

‘
So, back to the game.
The final question I asked Kate was
-
Joel wants to try out a new position in the bedroom, how does he tackle the issue? Does he
A
,
sit you down and suggest spicing things up? Does he
B,
say nothing, things like that shoul
dn’t be discussed; or does he C,
throw you into the new position during lovemaking and see what happens?
’

Kate’s cheeks flamed, she couldn’t look at Joel. She wanted the stage to eat her up and quickly. She could almost feel Miranda’s delight at her obvious embarrassment. She would be sniggering under her breath, whispering ‘perfect’ like a female Bond villain
.
A
ll she needed was a cat to stroke and a monocle. She was poised, waiting with bated breath to see just how moronic Kate was going to look next. 

She couldn’t even remember what she had answered to the
cringeworthy
question. She didn’t even
care,
she just wanted to get home
.
S
he didn’t want to be out any
more, being out was not the frivolous fun Hermione had spoken about at length. She wanted to be with
Bethan
, being a mother and watching repeats of
Peppa
Pig
.

‘
Definitely
C
,
’
Joel answered.

‘
YES!! That’s a match! Well done Kate and Joel, together with your Golden Egg
b
onus that means there are three Kissing Gates on the board and you are our current leaders! Congratulations!
Although bear in mind, there ar
e
several other couples to come.
OK let’s give Kate and Joel a big hand,
’
Larry announced and he held out his silver sleeved arm, directing them stage right.

Kate practically ran for cover, her face glowing and her mouth dry. She needed to get to the bar, she almost felt sober and she did not want to be sober
.
S
he didn’t want to be able to remember any part of this evening.

‘
Hey, we’re the current leaders!
’
Joel said to her as they prepared to leave the backstage area and return to the tables.

‘
Fantastic! How the Hell did that happen? How do you know I don’t have a middle name?
’
Kate questioned, trying to squeeze herself past the Love Dove who was blocking one of the exits.

‘
You didn’t put a middle name on your profile for Elite Escorts so I presumed you didn’t have one. How do you explain knowing I wouldn’t want to waste time discussing a new sexual position?
’
Joel
asked
.

‘
I guessed you wouldn’t be a talker, given the biceps,
’
Kate replied, pushing open the door.

‘
Hey! Wait
,
wait
,
wait
! Where
d’you
think you’re going? STOP!
’
a loud high-pitched call screamed out.

Kate and Joel turned around to see Becky scurrying towards them, her cheeks as pink as her hair.

‘
You can’t go yet, you’re our current leaders. You have to wait here until we’re sure you aren’t going t
o finish in the top two couples.
I have a manual leader board right here,
’
Becky spoke, pointing at a hand drawn grid on her clipboard covered in squiggles, crossings out and bullet points.

‘
You are joking! I can’t sit here all night
; there are places I need to be -
like the bar,
’
Kate replied
all sense of being polite leaving her.

‘
Oh you don’t have to wait right here, we have a green
room.
I
t’s this way, free drinks and nibbles,
’
Becky responded, starting off towards the other exit.

‘
Free drinks?
As in alcoholic drinks?
’
Kate
asked
,
her keenness to leave suddenly departing her.