Knowing Is Not Enough
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Authors: Patricia Chatman,P Ann Chatman,A Chatman Chatman,Walker Chatman
Knowing Is Not Enough
Patricia Walker Chatman
Knowing Is Not Enough
© 2012 by Patricia A. Walker Chatman
Published By
Walker Chatman Publishing
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means−electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise−without written permission of the publisher, except for brief quotations in printed reviews.
Scripture taken from The Student Bible, New International Version®
Copyright © 1986, 1992, 1996 by The Zondervan Corporation
All rights reserved
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead is coincidental.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2014900394
ISBN 978-0988622708
Cover By: Caleb Scott Creative, LLC
Photograph By: Raphael Goudy Photography
DEDICATION
To Bryce . . . From your first cry, I heard a song.
Everything is for you . . . I love you.
To Mom and Dad . . . You have given me the greatest
gift…Love without expectation. Thank you for believing in me.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Search me, O God, and know my heart,
test me and know my anxious thoughts
.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting
.
Psalm 139: 23
How do you know you are blessed…for me, it means you have
the following people in your life.
Charlynn Walker
Henry and Jeanette Walker
Jomo and Kuda Walker
Kevin and Sherie Shank
Sharon Gordon
Sherrhonda Denice
Regina Reed
Rotesa Baker
Lisa Hokes
Nicole Spencer
Nicole Jones
and Blu (My Cat)
Your patience, guidance, support, dedication and LOVE have
allowed me to live out loud in a place where dreams come true.
Thank You.
The Hapkido Philosophy has a theory about water. They believe that water provides clarity of thought and purpose. Water gives you clearness of mind, intentions, and motivation. It is inspirational. Water can take the shape of whatever holds it. Water is powerful, unstoppable and it doesn’t resist any object in front of it. Despite what lies in water’s path, water always finds a way. Much like the Hapkido Philosophy, I have a theory about love. Love can take the shape of whoever holds it. Love has its own path. It is relentless, unyielding only adhering to its own set of rules. Love is powerful, unstoppable and it doesn’t resist any object or person in front of it. Love can provide clarity of mind, purify intention, and it is the source of endless motivation.
Love finds a way.
Great Britain Hapkido Association (1971)
Hapkido Philosophy
Water Theory(Yu)
Happily-ever-after ended sooner than I’d expected.
Women are the only people who can find truth in a lie. Especially when it comes to the men in our lives. I conned myself into believing our lies were true. To the outside world we had the perfect marriage, but all houses look good from the curb. Our marriage, not unlike any other, lived amid accusations and disappointments. Then it hits you, somewhere between washing dishes and folding clothes—
is this all there is for me?
I didn’t know the answer to that.
Wish I did
. What I did know was happiness would never exist for me in this union.
It was time. Neither one of us would get what we needed to stay in this marriage from words alone. I didn’t have the passion or the energy to do anything about us. Not anymore. It was time to let go of the lie and embrace reality. Jake was being written out of my story. Now all there was left to do was tell him.
I invited him back to our, soon to my house. I sat
down at the kitchen table, reflecting about how we’d argued over the buying that very piece of furniture. Dressed in clothing I’d picked out for his birthday, Jake pulled out a chair and joined me.
I examined his eyes in search of the love I knew a century ago. Initially, separating for a while seemed to be a good idea. Looking at him, I’m not so sure anymore. He appeared to be a new person, different, from the man I’d known. We both have lived six months of life apart. Considering all he achieved with other women living in the same house, I can only imagine what or whom he’s gotten into without me. Starting over would mean getting to know
this
man, accept
his
lies, and his mistakes. I had absolutely no desire to do that.
I said, “Our lives are such a mess. Let’s just get this over with.”
“I’m not going to argue with you Alex. I know what it is, but I don’t think divorce is the answer. You need to try to forgive me.”
“For what?” I got up and poured myself a cup of coffee. “Why would I do that with someone who doesn’t love me?” I returned to my seat next to him. He frowned. “You misinterpreted what I said. I didn’t mean I don’t love you at all.”
“I’m confused. Exactly what does
not love you
mean? You either love me or you don’t, and you clearly said you didn’t.” I took a sip. “Am I missing something?”
Jake made a dismissive gesture with his hand. “I only meant the romantic love I felt for you is gone, not that I don’t love you. Of course I love you.”
“Do you see,” I waved my finger, “those kind of statements only make sense to anybody with a penis? I
love you enough to live in the same house with you, but not enough to touch you?”
“Don’t twist my words Alex. I think marriage counseling could help us find what’s missing.”
I quickly lost patience with him. “Okay—again, maybe it’s me, what exactly did we lose? Considering you never stopped dating.” I threw my hands up in exasperation. “I’m so tired of us. You can’t misplace what we never had.”
“So you don’t even want to try?”
I didn’t meet his eyes. “Jake—you cheated on me days before our wedding. These wounds aren’t healing anymore. I’m carrying them and it’s causing permanent mental damage now. I can’t keep doing this—I won’t.” I paused. “Nobody walks around raindrops Jake . . . not even you.”
“Alex, just think about it. We’ve got to much invested in this, but if it’s what you want me to do—I’ll sign the papers to file right now.”
I stood up and walked out of the kitchen.
“Where are you going?”
“To get a pen.”
Reflecting over the last seven years of our marriage, I’ve realized a few things. Jake and I were irrevocably broken. We had so many pretenses in our lives. I’ve replayed all of the starts and stops we made along the way. Each disagreement took us further away from each other.
This made me wonder if it is the journey or the destination that makes the inevitable outcome more heartbreaking.
I’ve rerun each infidelity and infectious argument in my head, trying to figure it out what I could have done different. Other than the obvious, I had nothing. Maybe I should have tuned into the Lifetime channel. Our problems were portrayed there every couple of hours.
On an unusually slow day in my office, I was catching up on paperwork when she called. Karen, my friend and administrative assistant, was out, leaving me to answer the phones.
I hadn’t spoken to my friend Liz in years. I was more than surprised to hear her voice. The conversation began
casually enough, two old acquaintances reminiscing about our days working side by side in the hospital. Liz congratulated me on opening up my business and asked a few questions about nothing in particular. We caught each other up, but as fascinating as self-employment could be, I sensed that wasn’t the reason she called me.
Finally she got to the point. “How is Jake doing?” Liz asked.
“Oh,” I said, surprised she’d asked, “he’s good.” I sighed. “He started a business too, you know.”
“No, I didn’t. What’s he doing?”
“Well, he’s not doing it anymore. He had some of those hot-dog vending carts, sort of like what you see in New York.”
Liz was surprised, “I thought Jake was a graphic designer.”
“He used to be . . . well he is, that’s what he’s back to doing now, but he had hot-dog carts. You didn’t see them outside the hospital?” I asked Liz, silent, seemed to think about it for a minute, “Oh, my God. Those were Jake’s?”
“Yes—they were all his.”
“I never knew that. Why didn’t we ever see him out there? It was always some young guy running it. I never saw Jake.”
“Well,” I sighed, “we had a lot going on at the time. It was hard for him to get out there, but the team helped him out.”
“Okay,” Liz said. “That’s so funny. Everybody wondered what happened. There one minute and gone the next. So Jake laid the people off?”
“Yeah, he didn’t have a choice. Actually, if I’m not
mistaken, I think the guy who worked at the cart outside the hospital works in the cafeteria now.”