Kitty Kitty (21 page)

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Roxy: What kind of sauce do you think she means? Worstdressedshire sauce?
Tom: Steak-through-the-eye sauce?
Polly: Ho’llandaise? Gawk-amole?
Jas: Actually, I bet it’s just cheese sauce.
Roxy: Ha. Hey, is anyone besides me hungry?

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BadJas: Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it in dew, cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two?

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BadJas: The candyman can! The candyman can because he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.

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BadJas: Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sigh, soak it in the sun and make a—Jas THAT LE NUFF!

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Jas: So, Polly—Polly: My phone is on, I have a good signal, and I will come get you if you get any calls.
Jas: That’s not what I was going to say!
Polly: What were you going to say?
Jas: Well, okay, it was. But I was going to say if I should happen to get any calls. Stop rolling your eyes at me!

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Jas: Hey, P—Polly: No, there were no calls for you.
Jas: I totally wasn’t going to ask that. I was going to ask you a very interesting question.
Polly: Such as?
Jas: Um. Such as. Um. Oh, now I remember. I was going to ask, does Lucien Wilder need his walking stick, or is it an accessory? You shouldn’t snort like that, P, you could suck your brain out.
Polly: He had an accident when he was younger. And if you don’t stop saying I’m snorting, I’ll turn my phone off. Ditto on snoring.
Jas: Polly breathes so quietly and melodiously it’s like the sound faeries make when they snort.
Polly: I’ve got my finger on the power button and I’m not afraid to use it.
Jas: I mean sleep.
Roxy: “I’ve got my finger on the power button” would make a sweet song title.

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BadJas: Unless that Something is a call from your boyfriend.
Jas: I WAS JUST STARTING TO FORGET ABOUT THAT.
BadJas: As ifo.

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BadJas: That’ your problem, you know.
Jas: I thought my problem was three letters starting with Y, ending in U, and rhyming with POO.
BadJas: No, it’s that you believe in Happily Ever After. But life doesn’t work like that. That, my friend, is the path to Heartache & Ruin.
Jas: You’re so uplifting and cheery, I wish we had these chats more often.
BadJas: You see, you need to learn to be happy with reality. By practicing Expectation Management.
Jas: Okay, right now I am expecting you to shut up. How will that conform to reality?
BadJas: I’m not sure—
Jas: Or I could start singing selections from Annie.
BadJas: Ack! Not Annie! I think you will find your expectations met.

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BadJas: I told you not to get too hung up on him.
Jas: Please, be quiet.
BadJas: I knew something was wrong.
Jas: I do not require your services at this time.
BadJas: I warned you not to—Jas: You’re not helping. You’re making me feel like a moron.
BadJas: Takes one to know one. Ha ha ha.
Jas: Okay, now I do feel a bit better, thank you.
BadJas: Wait a sec, that’s not what I meant!

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Polly: Are you okay?
Jas: Me? I’m great. I figured out something important about the investigation.
Polly: Can you try saying that again, this time with all the feeling in the right place? Are you sure something isn’t wrong? Your expression says something is wrong.
Jas: Can’t you recognize a zesty smile of joy?
Roxy: It looks like you’re having cramps.
Jas: Oh, my funny friend. I can’t thank you enough for making me laugh.
Polly: You’re not laughing.
Jas: I am. On the inside. Now can we get back up to the story?
Polly: Don’t you want to call Jack?
Jas: What’s that? The story can’t tell itself? How right you are. Up up up.

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Polly: By which you mean growth experience.
Jas: No, I don’t.
Roxy: Just think of all the Little Life Lessons you’ll be able to collect.
Jas: Somehow that does not make me feel better.
Roxy: “Life through the eyes of a squirrel.” That wouldn’t just make a good song title, it would make a great
album
title.
Jas: Still. Not. Feeling. Better. Perhaps because I can’t breathe.

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Jas: For all those not dressed as squirrels.

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Jas: Little Life Lesson 48: Squirrel costumes are not good for subtle standing.

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Jas: Little Life Lesson 49: Squirrel costumes are not good for hearing.

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Jas: Little Life Lesson 50: If being able to see is your desire, do not sport squirrel attire.

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Jas: Little Life Lesson 51: If you wish to have a chat, do not wear a squirrel hat.

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Jas: Little Life Lesson 52: Trying to conduct a murder investigation? A squirrel costume will only cause consternation!

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Jas: POSSIBLY BECAUSE I WAS DRESSED AS A SQUIRREL AND THEREFORE NUTS.

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Jas: Little Life Lesson 53: Squirrel costumes are not recommended for the Making of Barbed Insults.

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Jas: Little Life Lesson 54: Four out of five doctors surveyed did not recommend squirrel costumes for their patients who wanted to give meaningful looks.
Polly: What is that, Jas? Are you upset about something?
Jas: Grr.
Polly: I don’t think squirrels growl, precious.

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Polly: I didn’t know “circumstantial” meant “I don’t want to believe the guy I was kissing last night is a killer.”
Jas: I didn’t know “best friend” meant “one who makes up things.” We weren’t kissing. Stop raising your eyebrow at me!
Polly: Whatever you say, HotLips Callihan.

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BadJas: What’s that smell?
Jas: What are you talking about?
BadJas: Like smoke.
Jas: I don’t smell any smoke.
BadJas: Look out! Your pants are on fire!
Jas: Careful you don’t choke on your tongue when you chortle like that. It would be such a pity.

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Jas: Agreed?
BadJas: Agreed.