Killing Me Softly (5 page)
Authors: Kathryn R. Biel
"I was here with my boyfriend. We sort of broke up."
"Oh ... I'm sorry?"
"Thanks, I guess. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm sorry or not. I came up here with all these preconceived notions. I thought he was going to propose. Turns out, I realized that not only was he not going to propose, but that I didn't want him to. Being with him was settling. And I don't want to settle."
"Why do you say that?"
I lean in and motion for him to lean in closer to me. I don't want to say this too loud and freak out the other guests. I tell him the bat story. "... All because he was afraid of the bat. I don't want a man who leaves me in a panic."
"The bat's name is Murray."
"You have a name for the bat?"
"Yeah. Bats are supposed to hibernate, but this one bat has been around for the last few winters. I named him Murray."
"Okay. That's odd, but whatever. Speaking of names, I'm Sadie."
"Max."
"Well, Max, thanks for keeping me company. I think I'm going to get packed up and head home. No point in me hanging out here all day by myself."
"Are you going to see the boyfriend?"
"Ex-boyfriend, and no. I don't think he's ever going to speak to me again. Which should get interesting considering that we work together."
"Yikes."
"Yeah, well, it'll be fine. I really feel fine about this." I stand up, picking up my plate to clear it. Walking to the sink, I notice Max walks with me.
"Just be careful driving back. There was a bad accident on Marysville Road this morning."
That feeling passes through me again. Furrowing my brow, I look at him. "Call me crazy, but I think someone I know was in that accident."
"Why do you say that?"
"Just a feeling I have. I don't know how else to explain it."
Now I need to get home. I start to panic. What if it was my mom? Or Brady? Or Jenna? I don't always like my siblings but I wouldn't want them involved in an accident. Mostly because I wouldn't want them hurt but partly because I don't want to have to listen to them whine about it.
Heading up to my room, I look around and then sit on the bed for a moment. Alone, I can let the dejection wash over me for a minute. I don't know if I'm more sad that Rob and I broke up or that I just wasted the last two years of my life on him. Maybe breaking up with him was the impulsive thing to do, but it just felt right. I try to go with my gut instincts as much as possible. Thinking about it, I'm really all right about not being with Rob. He was dull. If all the spice is gone before we even get married, then that probably doesn't bode well for a lifetime of contentment.
This is just another setback. Nothing I can't bounce back from, right? If only it were that simple.
I'm almost home when my cell rings. "Hey Therese. I'm almost home. I'll call you when I get in and get settled."
"How far out are you?"
"About ten minutes. Why? What's up?" I try to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach.
"I'll talk to you then. I don't want to distract you while you're driving."
"Oh, just tell me. You've never worried about it before."
"Nah, it can wait. Talk to you soon."
The feeling of uneasiness is making my skin crawl. I have never felt so creeped out before. Except for the times when I realize that I've predicted someone's death. But I've already done that once this week. What are the odds that I did it again?
Turns out, pretty damn good.
I pull into my parking spot and trudge up the stairs to my apartment. I swear, one of these days, I'm going to bite the bullet and buy my own place. I look at the real estate listings all the time, but I've never been brave enough to pull the trigger. I guess I've been waiting to settle down with someone, but after breaking it off with Rob, it's more apparent than ever that I need to stop waiting and start acting.
"Holy shit—you scared me!" I shriek as I open my door to see Therese sitting in my living room. "What the hell?" I know I gave her a key but that was for emergencies.
Oh shit. This is an emergency.
"Therese, what's wrong? What happened? Is it my dad? Why didn't my mom call me?"
Therese is standing and closes the gap between us. Taking my hand, she leads me to into the living room. I don't know what's coming, but I know it's bad.
"Please just spit it out." My voice is a whisper, hoarsely pleading with her.
"I don't even know how—Sadie, early this morning, there was a car accident."
"Yeah, I heard about it up at the B&B. Oh my God, who is it?"
Tears well up in her eyes. "Rob."
"Wait—what?"
"It was Rob, honey. He's gone."
"I ... I don't understand."
"There was an accident on Marysville Road this morning."
"I heard that. I got a bad feeling. I thought it was Brady or Jenna."
"This is where it gets even worse. I don't know how to tell you this. Crap, this is hard."
"Jesus, Therese, just spit it out!" I've actually grabbed her shoulders and am shaking her, like in a movie.
"Rob wasn't alone. Jenna was in the accident with him."
That makes no sense. "Like she was in the other car that was involved in the accident?"
"No, they hit a tree. They were in the car together.
"I ... I ..." I can't even process what she is telling me. My arms drop down and my legs become jelly. Good thing the couch is behind me to catch me. "Why was Jenna with him?"
"I don't know. You're going to have to ask her."
"Why was she with my boyfriend?"
There's a long pause before Therese can come up with the words. "From my understanding, he was her boyfriend too."
"I don't understand." I feel like a broken record. Like I'm swimming though Jello and I can't see anything or reach the surface.
"I don't either. I don't know how either one of them could do that to you."
"Rob's dead?"
"Yes."
"I'm never going to talk to him again." My words echo in my head.
"No, honey, you're not."
"No, that's what I said to you. That I wasn't going to talk to him again."
"That's not what you meant, though."
"No, but it's what I said. I did this. I killed him."
"Sadie, how can you say that? You didn't kill him!"
"Therese, how else do you explain it? I had the thought that I was never going to talk to him again, and now I'm not. It's like I sentenced him to death."
"I'm going to go with the whole 'you're grieving and in shock' for justification for that statement, otherwise you're coo coo for Coco Puffs."
"What else can it be, if it isn't my fault?"
"I don't know. You didn't make it happen. You didn't even wish for it to happen. All you did was predict it. Sort of."
"But these predictions have to mean something, right? Like I'm given this opportunity to stop bad things from happening and I'm not doing it?"
"Sadie, this isn't a TV show, and you're not a superhero. You can't feel responsible."
I know that Therese may be right, but I can't help but feel the way I do, no matter how irrational it may be. Because of this freakish ability, knowing things that I can't possibly know, there's part of me that wonders if there's something mystical or other worldly that the normal human brain doesn't understand. Therese looks at me, her eyes full of sympathy. But behind the caring and empathy, all I see is that spark of doubt. She's thinking I really did, in some cosmic way, kill my boyfriend.
Therese has left, after I repeatedly told her I was fine. I totally lied. I am not fine. I doubt I'm ever going to be fine again. Certainly not with my mother calling over and over. I just can't talk to her right now. I can't talk to anyone.
I keep playing over and over in my mind the 'what if' game. What if there hadn't been a bat? What if I hadn't told him we were done? What if we fought for more or less time? Would any of that have changed the outcome of the night? Then the "whys" start. Why was he with my sister? I can't bear the thoughts bombarding me.
I get in my car and drive to the nursing home. I want my daddy. I want him to hold me and tell me that today isn't real. That I didn't kill my boyfriend. That my boyfriend was not really dating my sister as well. Speaking of which, how the hell could she do this to me? It certainly explains why Rob didn't like hanging out with my family. I thought it was because they all are a bunch of nut jobs. How was I supposed to know that it was because he was hooking up with my sister? And Jenna? How could she do this to me?
We haven't had a great relationship in a long time. I'm two years older than she is. I was thrilled to have a little sister. I was sick of being the youngest after Brady. I took care of Jenna from the get-go. If I had only known that I would be doing that for the rest of my life. My mom made excuses for the messes Jenna got herself into. I used to as well. I stopped buying the bull about three years ago. I just got tired of her constant crap. Jenna is thirty-three now. Old enough to be responsible. And believe you me, she is going to take responsibility for this one. Not that accident, of course. That's all on me. Not that anyone needs to know that.
I get into my dad's room, and he's in bed. It's the weekend, so there aren't any therapies. Activities are at a minimum as well, since they figure that lots of family members will come to visit. I don't know the weekend staff that well, since I'm usually here during the week. I sit in the chair next to the bed, unable to speak. I don't know where to start. In my head, I'm making a list of all the people I've killed with my premonitions: the comedian that started it all, Great Aunt June, Bob Tomkins (the mayor), Misty Eve (the female pro-wrestler), cousin Keith, Tristan Austin, and now Rob. Oh, and I also feel some blame for the plane crash in India that killed 350 people, because I complained that it was a slow news day and there was nothing on NPR, and we needed a catastrophe to happen. Wow, the list is really getting big. I just sit there, holding my dad's hand, and wishing he would hold my hand back.
I must doze off like that because the next thing I know, there is darkness outside the window, I have a terrible crick in my neck and there's an aide in the room, bustling about. She's making a tremendous racket. If I didn't know better, I would think she was trying to wake me up.
"Oh, I must have fallen asleep. Sorry."
"Are you Simon's ... daughter?"
"Yeah. I'm Sadie."
"I didn't realize he has two daughters. I've met your sister before."
Even thinking about her makes me bristle. "Oh, what? On Christmas or Easter when my mom forces her to visit?"
"Yeah, it was a holiday I think. But I don't recall ever seeing you here." Her tone is snooty and judgmental.
I do not need to justify myself to this woman. Not at all. But you bet your ass I'm going to. "That's because I leave the holidays and the weekends to the family who doesn't give a shit and only comes around when my mom forces them. I'm here every day during the week, so you can check your attitude."
"Well, you don't have to get nasty with me. We do have the right to ask you to leave."
"Who is the nurse supervisor today? Tonight? Whenever it is? Who's on now?"
She stiffens. "Margot."
I smile. Margot is one of my favorites. She makes the best Christmas cookies. The last two years, I've been in a cookie swap with her.
I stand up and head toward the door. "Dad, I'll be right back."
The aide starts running after me. "Now, I don't think we need to involve Margot in this, do we?"
I turn and look at her. "Your words have consequences. Don't use them if you can't pay the piper."
I turn back into my dad's room and resume my place by the bed. I didn't need to snap at her like that, but she didn't need to threaten me either. Just the mention of my sister and the implication that Jenna is here more than I am really got to me. Today of all days. I put the TV on and resume a matching catatonic state with my dad.
A little before nine, my mother comes racing in, hair frazzled and coat misbuttoned. "I should have known you would be here."
I just look at her. I can't even summon up the energy to speak to her.
"I've been calling your phone over and over."
I shrug. It occurs to me that I haven't heard my phone ring. "I must have left it in the car."
"But this was important. Your sister has been in a serious accident."
"I'm aware," I say dully.
My mother stares at me, waiting for more. "Don't you want to know more?"
I snap. "Yes, Mother. Tell me more. Tell me about how I go away on a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. I think it's odd that he wants to take separate cars but whatever. I think he might be getting things set up to propose, so who am I to question his actions. But then, he freaks out over a bat and leaves me there alone. He doesn't offer to bring me back with him. Nope, he splits, deserting me on Valentine's Day. I find out today that he was killed in an accident. And that in the accident with him was my sister. Now unless she teleported into the car at the last second, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear any of it. I'm here with Dad, and this is where I want to be."
"I know this must be uncomfortable for you, but you know how much trouble Jenna has handling difficult situations like this. Do you know how hard she is taking this? Rob
died
. In her arms. Think about how traumatic that's got to be for her."
That's it. I snap. Jumping up, I grab my mom's arm and drag her out of the room. "I'm not doing this in front of Dad." I drag her down the hall and through the front doors. We're in the parking lot, and I don't even notice the cold as I start lighting into her.
"Do not even try to defend her." I wave my finger, and my mother's open mouth snaps shut. "You have given Jenna every single get-out-of-jail-free card that exists. You have made excuses for her her entire life. You wanna know what the issue is? She's a spoiled brat. You wanna know why? You." I point my finger directly at my mom's chest. "You have never held her accountable or responsible for anything. You have never made her step up and deal. You enable her childish behavior. Guess what? She's turned out to be a horrible person. Congratulations on that."
"Now, Sadie, you will not talk to me like that. I am your mother."
"Yes, you are. But you are Jenna's mother first and foremost. You can't be mother to both of us and I won't ask you to choose since I know what the choice will be. I don't need to feel any more horrible than I do right now."
I turn and head back into the nursing home. The February air is cold and suddenly I feel it. As I'm walking away, my mother calls out to me, "Sadie, will you at least call Jenna and check in? She's absolutely devastated right now. Apparently Rob had just proposed."
You always knew the best way to kick me when I was down, Mom. Good to see you haven't lost your touch.
I don't even acknowledge her words, and I head back in. Too bad the only family member who has my back is catatonic.