Authors: Kathryn R. Biel
Killing Me Softly (16 page)
Complications. More complications. I don't want a complicated life. I want a simple one. I want to teach kids and hope I can inspire them to love American History as much as I do. I want to come home to my cute little house and make it beautiful again. I want to pet my cat without having him bite me. I want a man to share my life with. A partner in crime. Okay, bad choice of words but you know what I mean.
I don't want to have a police escort everywhere because they're looking for evidence. I don't want to be torn between two guys. I know, that doesn't seem like a bad thing, but it's not me. I'm a one-man type of woman. Hell, I pined over Fitzy for most of high school and even into college, which significantly dampened my dating life.
"I need to tell you something," he says finally. The silence in the car has been thick and uncomfortable.
"Yeah?" My voice is flat. This is all too much for me, and I don't have much energy.
"Your graduation party ... do you remember?"
Really? He has to bring this up now? He must get his rocks off at my humiliation. I mean, the first time Max came over was after that bee-sting-in-the-crotch incident, and he never brings that up. Fitzy seems to bring up all my embarrassing moments whenever he gets the chance. Chalk that up as a pro for Max and a con for Fitzy.
Now I'm making pros and cons lists? How did I get here?
"Yes, of course I remember. One typically does not forget a defining humiliation like that."
"I didn't think it was that bad. It certainly wasn't a seminal event."
"Maybe not for you, but it was for me. I'd been in love with you for as long as I could remember. I used to doodle 'Mrs. Henry Fitzsimmons' in the backs of my notebooks. I'd stay home if you and Brady were going to be at the house, just on the off chance that I'd get to spend some time with you. I'd turn down invitations from other boys, simply because they weren't you. It didn't take long before they stopped asking. And then you went away to college and my little-girl heart was crushed into a million pieces. I'd finally convinced myself that going away to college would be my chance to start over and to forget all about you."
"You wanted to forget me?"
"That was the plan. And then, there you were. At my graduation party. You were there for me, or so I thought. You had changed, started to mature. Filled out in all the right places, and I fell hard in that moment. You know, that stupid, irrational teenage-instalove. But you seemed unapproachable. Like you were too cool to be there. So I started drinking to muster some courage. And then you came and found me. And I thought it was to be with me. You were so nice, putting your arm around me, rubbing my back. I thought all the signs were there. I thought I had a big 'ole green light. So I leaned in to kiss you. And you stood up, letting me fall off the picnic table. You were horrified. You kept sputtering about how Brady asked you to check on me and you were just there to make sure I didn't get hurt. Yeah, well, I literally fell for you. And I broke my nose to boot. When you saw me leaning in, you jumped out of the way like your pants were on fire. It's hard not to take that personally."
"You broke your nose?"
"Yes, and had two black eyes for most of the summer. Not that you ever came around again."
There's silence in the Tahoe. I know, I should have the title of the Queen of Humiliation.
What I don't tell Fitzy is that I slept with the first guy who came along after that. His name was Jonathon Dweezledorf. It was terrible and did nothing to make me feel better about myself. I retreated into my studies, avoiding the whole dating scene for a few more years. I still dreamed about Fitzy, although the dreams became more and more sporadic. It certainly explains why I became so passive in my dating and in my choice of men. I made no effort. I was not putting myself out there. It's how I ended up with Rob. We were friends first. He made the first move. I let him. I took no initiative until it was too late.
"Does it help that there's another side to the story?"
"I think it's a little too late, don't you."
"I think you should reserve judgment until you've heard all the facts."
"Fine." My arms are crossed over my chest, and if I could stomp my feet like a child, I would. My lower lip may be sticking out. Just a little.
"Sadie, I already told you, Brady made me stay away. It's not that I didn't notice you. I did. Jenna was the annoying little sister, the one we tried to avoid. You were cool though. Too cool. You were the unattainable. You didn't date anyone. Everyone asked."
"Not everyone."
"If you wouldn't go out with the most popular guy in school, why would you go out with me?"
Unfortunately, I can see some reason in his logic. Damn him.
"At the time of your graduation party, I was dating someone from school. I knew the summer would be hard, but I wasn't going to let a few months and a few hundred miles get in the way. Until I came to your party. I was ready to chuck it all out the window. But I couldn't do that to Kristen. She deserved more. I couldn't cheat on her like that. Not that I didn't want to. Because all I could see that night was you. I wanted to claim you as mine. I swear I had some real caveman shit going on. But then I realized you were drunk. Not a little tipsy, but slurring your words, having trouble keeping your eyes open drunk. Did I want to kiss you? Hell, yeah. But not like that. Not if it meant cheating on my girlfriend and with you practically incapacitated. I didn't mean for you to fall like that. Physically or emotionally. And I didn't think it was funny. Okay, maybe a little." He stifles a laugh.
I glare at him.
"Oh, c'mon, if you saw it in a movie, you'd think it was funny."
He's right. I know he's right, but I'm stubborn and can't back down.
"So you were there that night for me?"
He shrugs. "I didn't know it at the time. Not until I saw you. And then I tried to talk to you after that."
"I wouldn't take your call."
"No, you wouldn't. I figured you wanted nothing to do with me. That you were embarrassed that you hit on me because it was something you wouldn't have done sober. I went back to college, broke up with Kristen because she wasn't you, and tried to move on. Brady and I drifted apart, and I moved three states away. It's not like I was back in town all the time, but when I was, I always wanted to look you up. I figured you'd be married with a passel of kids by now."
"I had heard that you were working out of state. When did you come back?"
"About a year ago. I was married for a little while and it didn't work out. No kids, nothing tying me down. I wanted to be back around family. This position opened up, I applied and got it. I kept hoping I'd run into you. Not like this, but in some way."
I let out a long sigh. That's a lot of information to process. I don't know if I can believe Fitzy when he says he's had feelings for me all this time. We sit there for a minute. "Can you take me home? I'm not up for seeing Dad tonight. I'll come over in the morning."
"Are you sure?"
"You tell me that I had a chance with you all those years ago and I blew it? That you felt the same way about me? Do you know how you shaped my entire dating life? My party was the last time I approached a guy. I don't flirt, well, not intentionally. I don't hit on people. I sit and wait. And it sucks. Not a lot of guys approach me. I have to settle for whoever drifts my way. Which is how Rob and I ended up together. We were friends, but that spark, a real spark, wasn't there. He wasn't what I wanted. He wasn't going to sweep me off my feet. But he was there, and he didn't reject me. Well, at least not to my face. I was prepared to settle, all because I was afraid of putting myself out there and falling on my face again."
"But you didn't settle."
"No, something gave me the courage to realize that I was probably better off alone than settling. Actually," I smile at the memory, "it was a bat." Thinking about that whole incident brings Max to mind again.
"A bat?"
"Long story. But it helped me see that Rob wasn't what I wanted or needed. Which I guess was a good thing, considering he had already gotten my sister pregnant. But that's not the point."
"I think you've lost me. What is the point?"
"The point is that it's never the right time for us. There's always something getting in the way. Brady, Kristen, alcohol, my sister."
"Max."
"Yeah, Max." I look at his profile, driving in the night. "And it's not like you could do anything now anyway. I'm sure your job frowns upon canoodling with suspects."
"Did you just say canoodling?"
"Yeah. Why? I like that word. Along with caddywhompus."
"Caddywhompus? What's that?"
"It means crooked or cockeyed."
"Don't you start talking dirty to me. Job or not, I don't think I can handle it."
I laugh.
Again, how did things get so complicated?
I'm holding a bouquet of soft, pink roses in my hand. Baby's breath and pearls adorn the bouquet. I look up into the vintage, gold-framed mirror. My hair is braided in a coil around my head, like a crown. A few tendrils curl out, giving it a soft, romantic look. Everything about it says soft romance. The room is bathed in warm sunlight, streaming through the white sheers as a soft breeze blows.
My dress is nontraditional, but works all the same. It's a long-sleeve fitted mermaid-style dress covered in gold and ivory beads. I know the dress should be heavy, but it feels as light and airy as the curtains. The dress is much more sophisticated than anything I ever thought I would have chosen. There's a large keyhole opening in the back, from just below the high neck to just above my waist. It's sexy without being over the top. On my left hand is a vintage Asscher cut diamond ring with a diamond halo.
The door opens, and my dad walks in. Not my dad who has been withering away in a hospital bed for years, held prisoner in his own body, but Dad. The man who used to carry me on his shoulders. The stoic man, helping bereaved families, at the funeral home.
"Dad! You're here!" I run up and hug him, the tears welling up in my eyes.
"Of course I'm here Sadie-kins. I wouldn't miss this day for the world."
"But you're ... you ... you're back!"
"I'm free Sadie, and I can be with you now. Whenever you need me, and I know you need me today."
"I can't imagine this day without you here."
"You look beautiful. I'm so proud of you. I love you."
I'm not ready to let go of him yet. "Oh Daddy, I can't believe you're here. I love you so much."
"Well, let's get this show on the road, shall we?" He pulls back and wipes the tear running down my cheek. "You have a young man out there who's quite impatient to see you."
A young man? Who is it? I wrack my brain, trying to think of who it is? Is it Max? Is it Fitzy? I have no idea who is out there waiting for me. Anticipation creeps up my spine as we walk through the door, the full part of my skirt swishing and swaying against the worn wood floor.
We're at the bed & breakfast where Rob and I went for Valentine's Day. I'm getting married here. But to whom? It's the oddest thing. I have no memory of how I got here. No memory of planning but here I am on my wedding day. And my Dad's going to walk me down the aisle, just as it should be.
We start to head down stairs, although these were not anything like stairs I saw on my last visit to the B&B. They lead us to the kitchen. Fitzy is standing there. In loose-fitting gray sweat pants. And nothing else. They hang dangerously low on his hips, revealing chiseled abs, defined pecs, and that V that makes women swoon. Tattoos cover his shoulders and biceps, dance across his chest and wrap around his flank. Normally, I'm not one for tattoos, but on Fitzy, it works. It all works. My dad is not there with me, it's just Fitzy and me standing there. And although he looks delectable, I'm confused that he's the one here.
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm here for you."
"You shouldn't be here. It's not right." I don't know why I said that.
"But it can be. You know it can. And you always do the right thing."
I ignore him and keep walking through the kitchen cafe, beyond the door where Rob locked me in with the bat. Down the stone steps into the sunken library, where my groom is waiting for me. My dad is back, supporting me, holding my arm and giving me the strength to continue. I can tell that my groom is dressed in a black velvet tux with a wide black satin lapel and a black satin shirt, but I can't make out his face. I know that he is stunning, and my heart soars just looking at him. I turn to my dad and say, "He's the right one, right?"
Dad leans in and gives me a kiss on my cheek. "You know what to do Sadie. You always have. Do the right thing."
I take one last look in my dad's eyes, so happy to see them full of life and sparkle again.
Then I wake up. The ache in my chest is real. I look at the clock. 3:18 a.m. My dad's birthday is March eighteenth. I know by the feeling running up my spine what this means. And so I wait for the phone call.
It finally comes in around five a.m.
"Sadie?"
"He's gone, isn't he." It's a statement, not a question. My mom is weeping.
"Yes, honey. He is. How did you know?"
"I just did. When did it happen?"
"About two hours ago. They called me about two. He was breathing very shallowly and had spiked a temperature."
She didn't have to say it. I knew what time he passed. "Were you there? Did you get there in time? Please tell me he wasn't alone."
"I was there Sadie. He wasn't alone."
"Why didn't you call me? I would have come. I should have been there."
"I didn't know how long it would take. I didn't expect it to be so quick."
"But he's been gone for two hours now. Why didn't you call sooner?"
"Oh Sadie," I can tell she's crying. "I just wanted some more time with him. We didn't get enough time. I didn't think it would matter when I called you. And I didn't want to wake you in the middle of the night when there's nothing that you can do. The next few days will be long enough. I was trying to let you sleep."
I can't speak, because I'm crying too hard. I wipe my eyes and my nose on my t-shirt, not caring about how gross it is.
"I didn't get to see him yesterday. I was there, in the parking lot, but was upset about something else, so I didn't go in. I was going to see him in the morning."
"You were always there for him Sadie. You were. Don't beat yourself up about this."
"Mom? What are we going to do?"
She sounds old and tired. "We're going to keep going. That's what. Just like always. You're going to pull yourself together and help me make phone calls."
I know I will because it's the right thing to do. My dream comes flooding back, bringing on a fresh cascade of tears. I taste the saltiness as it runs into my mouth.
"Mom, this is going to sound crazy, but he was just here."
"What do you mean?"
"I had a dream. It was my wedding day and he was with me, giving me away." I can barely get the words out before my face contracts into the ugly cry position. It takes me a few minutes to get my breath back. "He was with me and he told me he was proud of me and he loved me."
"Of course he did, sweetie. He was such a good man."
"He's not going to be here to give me away."
She starts crying. "No, he's not. Maybe he needed to go now so he could help Jenna."
He told me to do the right thing. In my dream I thought it was about my choice in men. In the early morning light, I know that's not what he meant.
"Mom, I need to tell you something."
"What?"
"It's about Jenna."
There's silence. I know she's afraid of what I'm going to say. I'm afraid that when I say it, she won't love me anymore.
"Mom?"
"I'm still here. What do you know about Jenna?"
"Mom, I did a terrible thing." Silence again, so I continue. "She was here, Sunday night, like I said." I have to think for a moment to figure out what day it even is. It's Friday. This has been the longest week ever. "Max was here too. When I escorted him out, she went into my bathroom. My brand new bathroom. We had only finished it about an hour before."
"Yes."
"And when I found her in the bathroom, she was in the bathtub." The sight flashes before my eyes. "There was blood everywhere. Like all four walls, and even the ceiling a little. She was in the tub with a knife and had cut her wrists."
"Oh." It's a faint little whimper.
"It wasn't bad. I mean, there was a lot of blood, but her wrists—the cuts were horizontal."
"What does that mean?"
"Jenna used to make the snide comment, 'horizontal for attention, vertical for the hospital.' She wasn't trying to kill herself. Not really. She just wanted attention. More attention. I can't understand why."
"So then what?"
"I kicked her out. I dragged her out of the tub, shoved her down the hall, and out my front door. I told her she was dead to me and I never wanted to see her again."
"You threw her out? Why didn't you take her to the hospital?"
"I'm not proud of myself, Mom. I know I did the wrong thing. I was selfish and angry, and I let it get the better of me. I should have stopped her. I shouldn't have made her leave. I should have made sure she got help. If she's dead, it's all my fault."
"Well, she does bear some of the responsibility, don't you think?"
"Did you just say the word responsibility in regard to Jenna? I didn't think you could use those two words in the same sentence. I thought I had to be the responsible one."
"Sadie, stop. You know what I mean. Why haven't you told this to the police? Do you know what people are saying?"
"Of course I know what they're saying. I've been laid off from the restaurant because no one wants to be served by a murderer. I've been hauled in for questioning. All my friends and acquaintances are being questioned. I'm less popular than a leper at a skin care clinic. Oh, and I'm under surveillance too. They even have Fitzy pretending he cares about me to mess with my head so I'll crack."
"I'm sure that's not what's going on. Fitzy wouldn't do something like that. Nonetheless, why don't you just tell the truth?"
"Because I didn't want to admit what a horrible person I am."
"But it's okay that they think you killed your sister?"
"Well, I sort of did."
"You know what I mean."
"I do, and it's my fault she's dead."
The next thing my mom says surprises me. "We don't know she's dead."
"If she's not dead, then where the hell is she?"
"That, Sadie, is the big question."
"Mom, I'm sorry."
"For what?" That was always a thing in our house growing up. It wasn't enough to apologize, but we had to say why we were sorry. Pretty humbling. Except for Brady, whose standard answer was, "I'm sorry that you're an idiot." He deserves whatever misery Tina causes him.
"I'm sorry that I wasn't the person I should have been and didn't do what Jenna needed me to do. I'm sorry that I was selfish and thought more about what Jenna did to me than what I could have done for her. I just saw that she was trying to ruin another thing of mine that I cared about. She really did a number on my bathroom, which I'd been working on for weeks. It's like any time I have something, something good or beautiful, she has to destroy it. It's her mission, and that's all I could see."
"I'm sorry too."
"For what?" It's my turn to give it back to her.
"That I failed you. That I failed Jenna. That by trying to help her and protect her, I let her grow into a selfish person who acts the way she does. That I excused her behavior to excuse my own failure as a parent."
"I wish we weren't on the phone, because I need to hug you right now."
"I've got the coffee on whenever you get here."