Killing Game (14 page)

He tried to keep his face impassive as he searched for an answer to her question, trying to think of a reason as to why he went by the name of Cain, rather than his given name of Reece. He smiled grimly as he thought about it. Reece didn’t exist anymore. He couldn’t explain that to her of course, couldn’t tell her that when you became like him the first person you killed was yourself.

“People have called me Cain for a long time now. I don’t really like to use my name, never did like it.” He stared at a patch of the couch near her knee and frowned.

Lily frowned at the same time as he did. It was clear to her that he didn’t want to tell her his real name, and although she didn’t understand why, she knew better than to push the question. That would only
led
to him disappearing again, and she didn’t want that. She moved her eyes slowly along the length of his legs to the table they were resting on. Beside his feet was the DVD case of the film he’d chosen and the perfect opportunity to change the subject.

“Ooh... good choice. I love ‘Leon’. Kinda sad at the end though.”

Cain perked up at the enthusiastic way she spoke about the film. From her tone, he could tell she was being genuine. She really liked a film about a hit man. Personally, he’d never seen it. He generally made a point of avoiding films that glamorized the things he had to do day in and day out, but when he’d seen it residing in her collection, he couldn’t resist finding out what her thoughts were about his profession.

“Want some popcorn?” She smiled warmly as he finally met her eyes again.

“Sure.” He grinned and watched her hop off the couch and head in the direction of the kitchen.

“There’s something dangerously sexy about hit men...” Lily hollered from the kitchen. “...I
mean,
I can’t understand who could do such a heartless job but it must make for an interesting life, in a weird kinda way.”

“Could say that,” Cain muttered in response and raised his brows at the movie, watching Gary Old man as he reveled in the feeling of shooting someone in the back several times. He cast a glance down at his hands and frowned at them as he thought about the things he’d done in his life.

“Did you just say something?”

Cain shot his head up to look at her, his feelings clearly showing in his eyes for a split second before he gained control and locked them down again.

Lily frowned at him. He’d seemed so engrossed in looking at his hands, a pensive expression etched on his features, that she couldn’t help wondering what he had been thinking. All night he’d been becoming increasingly quiet, his eyes echoing things that showed some kind of inner conflict.

“Did you?”

Cain took a few seconds to collect himself and smiled as Lily sat down next to him again, the bowl of popcorn resting on her knees.

“It’s not heartless,” he said with all the confidence he could muster, nervous that she would piece together who he was if he went down the route of defending his profession, of defending himself.

“What do you mean?”

“Put it this way, these hit men, what they’re doing isn’t personal. They’re contracted to kill. They don’t know the person. There’s no emotional attachment.” He kept his eyes fixed on the television as he spoke, not quite believing what he was saying. He knew that to some degree killing was a natural skill, a God-given talent for shutting down the emotions and seeing your target as anything other than human. What he was saying made him feel as though he was trying to justify something to both himself and her. He wanted her to believe that hit men weren’t heartless because he himself wasn’t. He wanted to make her believe what he was telling her so it would make things easier when she found out the truth about him.

“Yeah... heartless.”
She smiled broadly.

It dropped off her face when he frowned at her, his eyes dark and cold.

“Lily.” Cain tensed his jaw slightly, belying his frustration. “Say you owned, I don’t bloody know, a horse... it got sick, lame... whatever. Now, because you have feelings for it you can’t kill it, because on some level you’re attached to it.”

Lily wondered where he was going with his little analogy but she was willing to go along with him in order to see where it went.
“Right.”

“So you get someone else to shoot it for you. Now, they aren’t heartless, they just don’t know the horse and they are emotionally detached from it... they don’t feel the guilt you would.”

“No.” Lily frowned as she thought about it. “It doesn’t work... shooting a horse that was sick would be a mercy killing. You’re trying to save it from suffering... pain... a life of misery. Hit men kill other people for money, people that probably haven’t done anything that really deserves what happens to them. No one deserves to die, Cain... no one.”

Cain breathed heavily through his nose as he stared into her eyes. She looked so sure of herself, so blind to the pain she was causing him by saying those words. He frowned and then turned his head away from her when she looked confused, clearly not understanding his sudden upset. It was useless. There was no way she would ever like him if she knew what he did, and he couldn’t hide the truth from her forever. She didn’t know, couldn’t know, what she was doing to him, how she had upset the fine balance of his world, the set routine he kept to stop himself from falling under the weight of his conscience and the suffering caused by the memories of all those countless faces.

He swallowed the painful lump in his throat and stared blankly at the carpet, his breathing becoming labored as he thought about what he’d done—all for money. He’d killed so many men, taken their lives, taken them from their families, their children. He wanted to run, needed to get away from her. It was pointless sitting next to her and pretending that they would be okay, that if they were together then nothing bad would befall them. He brought badness with him, brought corruption and death.

He was the worst kind of murderer—one that killed without conscience for money.

He couldn’t breathe.

Pressing his hand to his stomach, he swallowed the bitter taste of everything he’d done as it rose into his throat.

A warm, soft sensation on his back caused him to close his eyes. He could feel her hand tracing gentle patterns on his shoulder blade as she moved closer to him.

“Cain?” Lily whispered and leaned forwards, her hand resting gently against his t-shirt covered shoulder. She frowned questioningly as he turned his head slightly to look at her, his eyes full of pain. “You okay?”

Cain swallowed again and looked deep into her eyes, suddenly wanting nothing more than to confess to everything he’d done and curl up in her arms, in her comforting embrace. He hadn’t wanted this life. He hadn’t wanted the chill that ate away at him in the night, in the moments when his guard was down and he was alone. He didn’t want it to be this way.

He’d had no choice.

The cold made his skin crawl as it crept through him, drawing all life from him and stamping out his feelings until he felt numb inside.

If he confessed, would she hold him and tell him everything was going to be all right?

Would she save him?

Or would she damn him forever to Hell where he belonged?

He nodded slightly, pushing away those thoughts and clawing back a little control. “Just a little off tonight.”

She looked at the television.

“I suppose they’re more like soldiers. In class once, at school, we had to learn about stuff like that... about how soldiers see the enemy as nothing resembling human, that after their first few kills they become detached from reality. When they go for the kill, they see their target as dead already. Not human.
Just an animal.
Guess it’s all about the hunting instinct deep inside us.”

He blinked and then dropped his eyes to rest on his hands again. She was right. The corners of his lips twitched into a slight smile over how he’d tried to say it in a way he’d thought a girl would understand best and she’d come out and said it straight.

“So,” Lily said as he came back to rest next to her, his body slumping as he fixed his eyes on the television once more, “they aren’t totally heartless, they can just switch off their emotions. But surely it can’t be guilt free. I mean, we all have a conscience, no matter how much we try to pretend not to.”

“I don’t think it is.” Cain sighed and then breathed in deeply, savoring the way the smell of her and her proximity made him feel comforted.

“Do you think it’s easy? In the movies they make it look so dangerous in a romantic kind of way... like it’s the kind of guy every girl’s secretly looking for, someone who can protect her and is so deadly... like a bad boy James Bond.”

Cain chuckled. He’d never thought of his profession as romantic before, just deadly and dark—a killing game.

“Nothing is that easy. It’s probably a hard, stressful... soul destroying... job. I don’t think it’s ‘guilt free’ as you put it. You’re still taking someone’s life and no matter how hard you try to erase that memory it would come back to haunt you.” He was starting to wish he hadn’t chosen to watch ‘Leon’. He was starting to wish he’d never brought up the subject of his profession. It was making him hurt inside, letting out feelings that he should have killed off long ago and memories that wouldn’t die.

“I suppose.” Lily curled up on the couch and played with the popcorn, chasing it around the bowl as she tried to grab a handful. “Do you think they get paid a lot? I mean, five grand isn’t much for a job. Surely the real professionals charge a lot more than that.”

He stared down at her small hands as she toyed with the popcorn.

“If they’re good... yes... you would demand a high price to make it worthwhile.” He raised his eyes and looked around the room, taking in all the pretty things she’d bought with his money, with someone’s life.

“Worthwhile?” Lily frowned at the term he’d used and moved her eyes to rest on him. He was looking around her place. Putting her popcorn bowl down on the table, she pulled the pillow out from behind her and felt her stomach tremble with nerves as she placed it on his knees and then lay down, resting her head on it.

Cain closed his eyes and tensed his jaw as he felt her fingers brush against his leg, her head resting gently against the cushion she’d placed on his lap. His heart pounded hard as he looked down at her, the temptation to play with her hair becoming harder and harder to resist as she snuggled up to him. He frowned as he considered the impact that such a tiny move by her had made on him. By laying so close to him, she’d stirred his feelings again, forcing out all thoughts of leaving her and making him want to stay, to be with her no matter what the consequences. If it were only for the shortest while, even if she left him the second she found out about him, it would still be worth it.

“The cost of weaponry, travel, accommodation, documents and enough to cover the fact you’re killing someone.” He ghosted his hand over her hair, barely hovering above it, his fingers trembling as he resisted the desire to touch her.

“Think I’d have to charge a million dollars a hit.” She giggled.

Cain smiled as he finally ran his fingers over her hair, hiding the feeling of sickness her words had inspired in him. Andrew’s contract was the highest paying he’d done, a figure nearing the one she’d mentioned.

He watched her as she struggled to keep her eyes open, her lids growing heavier by the second as she lay with her head in his lap. Raising his eyes, he continued to watch the film while she drifted off to sleep, snoring softly and curled up against him. He stroked her cheek and went over their conversation. Whenever he was with her, the part of him that wanted out of his profession grew stronger. Every look she gave to him, every time she touched him, just made him want a normal life even more. He no longer lived the blank existence he’d grown used to over the years, going contract to contract. She’d added color to his world and planted seeds of discontent that were causing him to rethink his life, somehow trying to fit her in.

Continuing to lightly stroke her cheek, he watched her sleeping and realized that he felt jealous of people with their regular lives, their steady legal jobs and the way they could move about freely with no fear for their own safety. His eyes followed his fingers as he thought about it, almost regretting ever running away to New York, but then pushing that thought away as it dawned on him that he never would’ve met the girl sleeping so trustingly on his lap. He smiled as he looked down at her. Her face was soft with her slumber and her lips were parted slightly as her fingers gently grasped his knee. She was a divine kind of torture sent from above to either ruin him or save him. He just hoped it was the latter.

* * *

Lily stirred slightly and when she fluttered her eyes open, she found Cain looking down at her. She smiled and stretched, glancing at the end credits rolling on the television.
“So much for watching the movie, huh?”

“Got bored... watching you sleep was far more interesting.”

Lily yawned as her stomach heated through. “It was?”

“Yeah.”
He smiled and softly stroked her hair. “You talk a lot. It’s cute.”

“Oh... I never realized... guess I’m usually asleep.”

“What were you dreaming about?”

“Hit men.” Lily giggled coyly as she sat up.

“Well... falls asleep on my lap and dreams about other men... damn shocking.” He rolled his eyes and then smiled playfully.

“Who said I wasn’t dreaming about you?” She gave him a wide smile.

Cain felt as though he’d just been punched in the chest. Her words knocked the wind from him.

His eyes narrowed on hers and his lips curled into a smile.

“It’s late. You want to crash on the couch?” she said.

He thought it over and then slapped his hand to his forehead as he remembered what he had to do. He sighed over the prospect of having to go out on a job with Russ.

“What?” Lily looked down at him, a frown wrinkling her brows.

“I’d love to, but I can’t. I’m going to Boston tomorrow, well... today.”