Killer Hair (30 page)
“Careful. I have a straight razor. Wouldn’t want to bleed all over that white sweater, now would we? Wouldn’t want a hostile makeover, would we?” She kept her hands wrapped around his arms. Her assailant forced the razor up to her level of vision. She froze. He flicked it open with a quick flash of the wrist. The blade riveted her attention. Lacey tucked her head down so he couldn’t get at her throat.
“You wrote about me.”
Lacey tried to scream into the glove.
“Remember? I sent you a souvenir.”
With a surge of adrenaline, Lacey bit down hard into his wrist above the glove. He yelped and reached for her hair, grabbed a hank in front and pulled. The razor flashed past her eyes. “A souvenir for me,” the stranger said. Lacey shrieked. She formed a fist with her right hand and slammed her elbow back into his solar plexus. He grunted and let go. “Bitch!”
Loud barking somewhere close on the trail startled them both. A large yellow dog bounded toward them, stopped, and growled. Her assailant pushed her face-forward into a mud puddle. She turned over and slid in the slimy muck, catching a glimpse of a figure clad in black, wearing a black ski mask, backing away from the growling dog. Lacey grabbed a rock and threw it at him, glancing it off his shoulder. The dog barked again and Lacey screamed at the top of her lungs.
“Bastard!” The figure in black vaulted over the tree trunk and disappeared into the bushes. “Good girl,” she said to the mutt. The dog licked her face and sat down, panting at her until its unseen owner whistled it away.
Shaking, she ran her hand through her hair. The creep in black had sliced off a lock right in front. The spiky edge he had left was no more than half an inch long. Slowly, she rose to her feet, not hurt, but shaken and trembling. She was covered with sticky brown muck.
Perfect day to wear white, Lacey.
It was only later that she realized someone had tried to kill her.
Perfect day to wear white, Lacey.
It was only later that she realized someone had tried to kill her.
Reporters do occasionally receive death threats, usually in the course of doing something brave, like covering a war zone, or exposing a crime boss. But not LifeStyle reporters. Not Lacey.
“Good God, I cover fashion!” She said it aloud to the cardinals, who had not yet shown her their red coats. She gave up trying to brush off the mud and walked to a pay phone at the marina to call the police. “The assailant wore basic black and I look like the Swamp Thing,” she lamented.
It was difficult enough for Lacey to make the report to the Park Police without having the officer question every word she said. He was young, tall, clean-cut, and earnest, with a spray of freckles across his nose and cheeks and clear celadon eyes. His hair was close-cropped, military style.
Lacey was acutely aware that she was covered with brown slime and had a ragged edge of hair angled across her forehead. Her makeup was smeared and she had visions of how she looked to this six-foot-two, solidly muscled officer who was wearing his professional cool-and-detached face. She tried to explain that her articles had apparently provoked the attack. The words seemed to stick in her throat.
“I write a column on fashion for
The Eye Street Observer
. ‘Crimes of Fashion.’ ”
The Eye Street Observer
. ‘Crimes of Fashion.’ ”
“Fashion, ma’am?” His eyes measured her. He stopped writing and folded his arms. Lacey grabbed her savaged forelock.
“You don’t think I did this to myself, do you?”
He turned his attention to his report.
The Park Police looked for the assailant, but found only broken branches and smeared footprints that disappeared at the paved bike trail. Lacey called a taxi to take her home from the marina, all of a mile. The charm had gone out of the afternoon.
Once the hot water and shower steam hit her and the music of Joan Armatrading was loud in the background, Lacey let the tears fly. She sobbed, she screamed, she swore. She scrubbed her skin till it glowed lobster red. Finally, exhausted but purged, she knew the tears were over, though she was still muttering “bastard, filthy bastard, filthy bastard pig,” and variations on that theme. Her eyes still stung and they were as puffy as golf balls, but she was in one piece. She wrapped herself in a soft turquoise dress, long and gauzy.
She switched on the bathroom light and peered again at the short chunk of hair the bastard’s razor had left. She looked like a mental patient. She considered calling Brooke, but at the moment she didn’t need her friend to ratchet up her anxiety and paranoia. She marched into the living room, picked up the phone, and dialed the only person who could help.
“Whoever this is, it better be good.” Stella giggled. She sounded otherwise occupied, but Lacey didn’t give her a chance to explain.
“Stella, this is Lacey. I’m really sorry to call you at home but this is an emergency.”
Her stylist was now at full attention, concern and curiosity in her voice. “Lacey? You sound funny. Are you okay? What kind of emergency?”
“A deeply personal stylistic emergency. Can you come over right now and bring your scissors? I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t a crisis.”
There was a slight pause. “Okay, but you gotta tell me
everything!
”
everything!
”
Within a half hour Stella, the midget car, and Bad Boy Bobby arrived at the apartment. Stella took one look at Lacey’s locks and yelped. “Oh my God! Bangs!”
“I can’t wear bangs! Besides, these aren’t bangs; they’re an aggravated assault. Attempted homicide!”
“I think it looks sort of cool. Punk, but not quite there yet,” Bobby said. “You know?” Both women stared at him.
Stella explained, “But it’s not her own personal style, Bobby. She’s not a ‘bangs’ kind of girl.”
Lacey told him there was fresh beer in the fridge and he could help himself, which he did. He carried a couple of Dos Equis out to the balcony and let the screen door slam. “Hey, you can see the river out here. Cool. You got a telescope?”
Stella steered Lacey toward the bathroom. “Nice place you got. Kind of a time warp. Looks like you.”
“
I
don’t even look like me,” Lacey said. “Not bangs. Please, anything but bangs.”
I
don’t even look like me,” Lacey said. “Not bangs. Please, anything but bangs.”
“Sorry, Lacey. Unless you want a buzz cut like mine, all I can do is bangs or one of those short-on-top, long-in-back things. Not exactly a feminine look, if you get my drift.”
“A Mullet! Oh God, the haircut that dare not speak its name. Never!”
“Come on. Sooner or later, it’ll grow, but until then that means bangs. And if you got some tea bags, put ’em on your eyes to take the puffiness away.”
“I look bad, don’t I?” Lacey asked.
“Not bad, exactly.” Subtlety was never Stella’s strong suit, but she tried. “More like you had a rough day, a really rough day. At least you didn’t wind up with slit wrists. Do you want to talk about it?”
Lacey glanced again at the short fringe her assailant had left. “That dirty bastard is going to pay!” She didn’t know how and she didn’t know when, but she knew someday she’d unmask him and pay him back, double or nothing. She only hoped he wasn’t already bald. “If he’s bald, I’ll scalp him. To the bone.”
“I can give you decent bangs. They’ll be feathery and reach your eyebrows. They’ll cover the damage as the shorter hair grows, and I can make that look less chunky. I promise I won’t give you that first-day-in-kindergarten look.” Stella again quoted the unofficial Stylettos motto: “It’ll grow. Now, which dirty bastard would this be?”
Lacey recounted the attack as Stella fashioned her new bangs, camouflaging the vicious razor cut. Stella also “shaped up” the style, meaning that Lacey lost another inch and a half on the bathroom floor.
“Give me the hair, Stella. I want to save it.”
“What for?” She looked skeptical.
“I don’t know. DNA testing. So I can discover my true identity. Just humor me, okay?”
Stella pressed the trimmings into Lacey’s hand. “If you used that deep-conditioning treatment I recommended, it wouldn’t be so dry on the ends,” Stella scolded.
“I do use it!”
Stella gave her a pointed look over her head in the bathroom mirror. “Dry ends. Okay. You’re flat on your face in the mud, then what?”
Her stylist was relishing this tale a bit too much, Lacey thought. “It was the killer. It had to be.”
“You’re lucky you’re not dead in a ditch. And bald. Not even bangs could save you then.”
“This is not for Saturday-morning broadcasting.”
“My lips are sealed.”
“I mean it, Stella.” Lacey pointed out that the killer could be in the salon working right next to Stella, or even a client. Or the boss.
“Lucky for me, my hair’s too short for this pervert.” Stella ruffled her short spiky ’do in the mirror and grinned. “I attract my own kind of pervert.”
Bangs and a shorter, fluffier hairstyle reflected back at Lacey from the mirror. It was now more Betty Hutton than Lauren Bacall, more
Incendiary Blonde
than
The Big Sleep
.
Incendiary Blonde
than
The Big Sleep
.
“I know it’s a little more screwball comedy than film noir, like you like,” Stella said. “But it’s nice. Really.”
It’s too cute, but not that bad,
Lacey thought. Stella was amazing. This woman, who somehow had accidentally become one of her closest confidantes, never questioned that a sudden hair crisis was not the most important thing in the world. She dropped everything, packed her styling tools and boyfriend, and flew to Lacey’s aid. Lacey felt humbled. And all Stella wanted in return was a beer and every single, excruciating detail.
Lacey thought. Stella was amazing. This woman, who somehow had accidentally become one of her closest confidantes, never questioned that a sudden hair crisis was not the most important thing in the world. She dropped everything, packed her styling tools and boyfriend, and flew to Lacey’s aid. Lacey felt humbled. And all Stella wanted in return was a beer and every single, excruciating detail.
“And Freckles, the park ranger, your little Mountie, was he, like, totally cute?”
The phone rang and Lacey let the machine pick up. It was a worried Brooke. “I have to be out for the evening, but have your machine call my machine. I want to know that you haven’t been snatched by a Man in Black or something equally dastardly.”
“She’s a little spooky,” Stella said. “But you should call her anyway, so she won’t worry. She might just pop on over, you know. I would.”
Lacey did as Stella suggested, leaving Brooke a message that they would talk tomorrow. Stella made herself at home with the fridge and passed cold beers around. They opened the olives, sliced some cheese, and found the crackers. Then they retired to the balcony with Bobby, who was peering down the river with a pair of binoculars out of his backpack. “You really need a telescope, Lacey. I could help you buy one. I was an astronomy major once.”
Before Lacey could ask what on earth he had switched to, Stella scolded her. “Stop playing with your hair; you look fine. Did you call Vic yet?”
After Vic’s gruff phone message, Lacey wasn’t up to talking to him. She had egged the hair ball on, as he had warned her, and it had worked rather too well. Now she was shorn of both her hair and her dignity.
“I-told-you-so’s are too hard to take right now.”
“The power of the press. But still, Vic ought to know.”
Lacey warned Stella not to call him, either, and not to blab about her adventure in Dyke Marsh, noting that it was a police matter. Stella reluctantly agreed; Lacey realized the spirit was willing, but the mouth was weak. She knew the whole story would get out. It was just a matter of time. Vic would find out. She wondered if she should tell Mac or if he would hear it from someone else. He would alert Tony, the whole newsroom would know, and he would take the story away from her. It would be a huge embarrassment and all they would say is, “Lousy fashion beat gets a death threat! Can you imagine that?”
Stella was dying to tell Lacey her own secret. “Vic’s not home tonight, anyway.”
“Are you keeping his social calendar these days, Stella?” Lacey’s appetite suddenly abated.
“No, but for your information, the ex-Mrs. Radford dropped by the salon and mentioned seeing Mr. Victor Donovan tonight. Business, I’m sure. Business that required a facial, a French braid, and a fresh manicure: Man-eating Magenta. If you don’t make a move on him, Lacey, he’s a goner. I’ve seen her work before.”
“He’s not interested in me anyway. So what if he prefers that raven-haired vixen?” Lacey ran her fingers through her hair.
After Stella and Bobby left, Lacey actually dialed Vic’s number, her need to tell the story was so strong, but she got his machine and hung up.
Go to bed, Lacey. It’ll grow,
she told herself. She didn’t think she would sleep, but she had not counted on the Dos Equis and the sheer exhaustion that overtook her. Within minutes, she was out.
Go to bed, Lacey. It’ll grow,
she told herself. She didn’t think she would sleep, but she had not counted on the Dos Equis and the sheer exhaustion that overtook her. Within minutes, she was out.
Lacey Smithsonian’s
FASHION BITES
It’s Your Hair. Stand Up for It.
Why would a seemingly intelligent woman walk into a hair salon, throw up her hands in despair, and tell an eighteen-year-old stylist with rainbow-striped hair and multiple facial piercings to “Just do what you like”? I have no idea. But it happens often enough to merit comment. Maybe it’s because she thinks vanity is wrong, but public humiliation is good for the soul. Maybe she has no spine, or maybe she’s too darn optimistic about what mere scissors and styling implements can do in the hands of an adolescent sociopath. The result: a hair disaster that only Medusa could laugh off. Remember, once you’re the victim of a bad haircut, it’s too late. All you can do is wait. It’ll grow.
The first—and last—rule of getting what you want is this. Be clear, very clear, about what you want, and stick to it. Discuss the look you really want, not the one your stylist wants to experiment with. Bring photos, use hand gestures if necessary, and don’t be afraid to say STOP if the haircut is turning too scary. If you want to have it your way, also beware of:
- Excessive flattery that can only be false: “Honey, you are so gorgeous. All you need is a change. Let me free your inner vixen.”
- Insults to show stylistic superiority: “What shampoo do you use? Janitor in a Drum?”
- Occupational hazards: brain damage from hair spray, dyes, and perm fumes; carpal tunnel syndrome from rolling perms and holding vibrating hair dryers; and of course, delusions of artistic grandeur.
Follow these tips and you can improve your odds of getting what you asked for. But even if you get what you want, it may be sending a message you don’t want. Have you ever wondered what your hairdo is telling others even while your lips are sealed? Here’s a small sample:
- The Rainbow Mane—Behold, I am a peacock, strangely proud and proudly strange!
- The Haystack—Conditioner? I don’t need no stinking conditioner!
- The Layered Rat-Chewed Shag—My stylist said this would look, like, totally cool.
- Frosted Streaks, Dark Hair—I think zebras are pretty. Don’t you?
- The Daily Ponytail—My hair in its full glory is too wondrous to waste on you.
- The Perfect Sleek Blond Tigress—I’m so high-maintenance you couldn’t afford me.
- The Washington Helmet Head—Control. It’s all about control. Mine.
So, what is your hair saying about you behind your back? Are you listening?
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