Kids Are Americans Too (6 page)

S
urprise! In most polls, American parents name their teenager's “attitude” as the one thing that is most likely to drive them nuts.

Well, you knew that. If you're one of the culprits, your parents have undoubtedly “taken pains” to explain this concept to you.

And, just in case they're looking over your shoulder, I want to PROMISE them that I'm not writing anything in this chapter that could make you less pleasant to live with.

Is that even possible?

Just kidding.

Still, it has to be said: As a child who is legally under the care of adults, you have certain rights at home. Most of them are in the realm of common sense. Your rights entitle you to food, lodging, health care, and freedom from abuse. My guess is that you probably take all of this for granted. The government doesn't have to force your parents to respect these rights. Your parents do so because they want you to have a good life, and because they love you.

There are exceptions out there, I know. But that's when a kid needs more than a book; that's when the law needs to get involved. If you are the victim of abuse or neglect, it is your right to seek protection. See the guidance counselor at your school. Immediately!

Generally, though, most American kids are well cared for. Of course, as you get older, even if you're still legally underage, it's natural to start spreading your wings. You begin staking out “positions”!

 

Try these on:

—“It's my life! I can choose the friends I want! Hogtooth is really cool!”

—“I'm not a baby! NO ONE wears jeans at the waist like those nerds in your old yearbook. Hello!”

—“Mom! I know about sex, okay? Going to that new movie isn't going to turn me into a slut!”

And so forth.

If you keep up the attitude, you are likely to lose the argument, because the courts have pretty much agreed that your parents or legal guardians have the right to make these kinds of decisions for you. They have a right to supervise your conduct and instill in you their vision of right and wrong. Remember, even the movie theaters can keep you out of R-rated flicks until you're seventeen.

When you reach age eighteen, you can make all your own decisions about how you behave (that is, if you live outside your parents' home). But until then, your parents rule. Literally!

Sorry.

Let me confess something right here. (And you're not really going to be surprised!)

When I was your age, I was too stupid to think about my rights. I mean, for me, it was simple. When I did what my parents or the school or the church did not want me to do, I ran the risk of being punished. (And, as I mentioned in my previous book for kids your age, that could mean that my very large father might use me as a door knocker with his very large fist.)

At times, I was out of control. I didn't consider what my rights were or weren't. Most of the time, I just did what I wanted to do and tried not to become the target of an adult's wrath.

Again, I was stupid. My parents, more than many, accepted their obligations to feed, clothe, and try to educate me and my younger sister. They stood up for me when someone outside the house was unfair to me. They made me accept the blame when I did something unfair to someone else.

Me at your age.

In other words, they did a good job, most of the time. And I didn't make things easy for them. I just took their good job for granted. It took me a long, long time—much too long—to realize how hard they worked and how much I owed them. You see, I just didn't think about the whole balance (that word again) between rights and responsibilities. I was an idiot!

There's no other word for it. In my defense, my friends were pinheads as well. Maybe life was simpler then. You've heard the old story: The wife and mother stayed at home, cooking and cleaning; the father went out into the world five days a week to
earn money; the children were supposed to keep out of trouble—and pick up their rooms!

Believe me, I know that your world is much more complicated than that. Maybe that's why people your age are so much smarter about rights and responsibilities. Maybe that's why you ask so many good questions and have the courage to challenge things that seem wrong to you.

But while you think about your own rights, I urge you to think about your parents' rights, too, and about how the world sometimes tries to weaken them.

PARENTS UNDER ATTACK?

Here's a situation that I reported on and summed up in my last book for adults,
Culture Warrior.
I'll be brief. Try to read it as if you were a parent, and think about what your rights would be in that case.

A few years ago, ridiculous school officials in Palmdale, California, gave a test to kids in the second through fifth grades. You know, the old standardized testing thing. Only this time, the kids were asked to tell how they felt about activities such as “thinking about touching other people's private parts.”

I'm not making this up. Okay, imaginary parent, that was only one example of the type of questions these kids were asked. The others are, uh, in the same ballpark.

So what do you think? Did the school have a right to ask such questions? I'll give you a moment, then I'll tell you what the courts decided. But here's your assignment: You decide first what your reaction would be if your child was in those grades in Palmdale and was forced to take that “test.”

Well, here's what happened, in summary. Some parents asked school officials to stop giving the test. The “educators” basically ignored them. The parents sued. Eventually, to cut to the chase, a federal appeals court found in favor of the school system.

That's right, imaginary parent. The judges decided that you don't have the right to prevent your young child from experiencing what the school decides is good for his or her education—even if you are outraged, horrified, or shocked by the subject matter. Explicit sex questions for seven-year-olds? Come on!

Okay, let's jump back to your house today. If you're in conflict with a parent over something the school is teaching you (or not teaching you), I don't know whether you're right or not. If you think your parent is keeping you from an activity that your friends are allowed to enjoy, then ditto…I still don't know who's wrong or right.

But I think I do know something important: Because they do their job, because the law backs them up (sometimes), your parents have rights that will often END THE DISCUSSION.

Aha! You see, I bet you did not agree with the Palmdale school officials…or with the court that backed them up. (If I'm wrong about that, I'd sure like you to e-mail me with your point of view and argument. I'll listen.)

But with the shoe on the other foot, maybe you can understand why your parents believe that their decisions about your school and your activities are part of their rights as parents. But that's another book. One you'll read about fifteen years from now.

At this point, your humble author needs a break. So let's go to the movies!

No, it is not! And that's not a smart kid, because he isn't dealing with reality. (You know, that thing they do TV shows about?)

The reality is that your parents have rights. Which leads to another movie.

Okay, I think this movie will have a happy ending.

And I think you see why. There's a happy ending for the kid's request. It's logical and well thought out—and respectful of his father's rights!

A Fine Story

For a lot of reasons—partly because I don't want to interfere with their right to privacy—I don't talk much about my two children, a daughter and a son.

There's not much to say, anyway.

They have always believed that they should try to do exactly what their mother and I tell them to do.

They have learned never to push the envelope, because I
have clearly spelled out their rights and obligations.

You will never hear a disagree—

 

Have you lost your mind?

If you believed any part of that, you are in need of serious help!

Yes, from the time they were born, my clever, very independent children have, well, stood up for their rights, or for the rights they wanted.

That is a good thing.

I don't want wimps in the house.

On the other hand, there are rules. Part of daily life—and I mean
daily
life—is the back-and-forth between parent and child. It's really, of course, the back-and-forth between what the parent believes to be the right thing and how the growing child wants to expand his or her horizons. Perfectly natural.

A few years ago, when my son was just learning to walk, he knew the rule of “only two cookies” after dinner. He didn't like that rule. With the ability to walk, he developed a comic routine. He would point at the TV, for example, so I would be distracted and look away, then he'd tiptoe over to the cookie jar. I would snap my head back and fix my gaze on him. He would pretend to be unaware of the jar. I would look back at the TV, he would creep closer to the jar. I'd swivel again and catch him in the act.
All during this performance, he could hardly keep from giggling, and neither could I. We both knew what the other was up to. And it was fun for both of us.

Did I let him have the wonderful third cookie? Yes. Was I letting him take the first step into a life of crime? Probably not.

Here's what I think he was doing, even at that very young age. He was pushing the envelope, but he was smart enough to know that the appropriate method was not to scream and throw a tantrum—not with me. So he tricked me—yes, I admit it—by coming up with a game that put us both in a good mood. He earned the cookie with his wit. That's how I saw it.

What does this incident have to do with you? Maybe, quite a bit.

In this little anecdote, parent and child negotiated a compromise. I expect that he and his sister will be negotiating with their mother and me for just about the rest of our lives. That's how it works.

I can tell you, or the court can tell you, that as a kid you have certain rights in the home. But you have to be smart and reasonable about getting those rights recognized. If things have been difficult in the home lately, whatever the reason, you have to step back and decide how to earn the cookie. You have to engage with your parent, not leap into a confrontation.

By now, you know that the process of dealing with this “right” could take so long that the boy would be off to college or out in the job market before the state agencies and the courts came to any sort of final, binding decision.

But that would be insane. That boy and his parents should be able to negotiate a solution without getting school, church, government, and community involved. Should the parents offer to
smoke only on a screened-in porch outside, following the example of many work environments and public gathering places today? That would be good, but what would the boy be contributing in return?