Kept (31 page)

“It was.” He pursed his lips. “Anything else?”

“No. Thanks.”

“Sure.” He slung his towel around his neck and grabbed his empty water bottle. “Have a good day.”

“You too.”

He stepped around occupied bikes and ellipticals.

The same woman surveyed him, eyes darting up and down.

Miska turned up the speed and prayed for dry skies in the morning.

Miska was reading John?

Dillan leaned on the pedestal sink in his bathroom, staring at the mirror. First church, now a Bible study with Tracy. He would have bet money that would never happen.

Garrett’s footsteps approached.

Dillan pushed off from the sink. Time to shower and scrape off the dead skin that kept flaking off his arm.

Garrett stopped in the doorway. “You got plans for dinner?”

“Probably not until after church. You want to get Chipotle?”

“Sounds good. I’ll order it.”

“Great.”

Garrett didn’t move.

“What?”

“Don’t you think it’s interesting? Miska being at church again?”

“I guess. Why? You gonna’ ask her out? She is single.”

“Dude, I’m pretty sure she’s got a thing for you.”

Dillan rolled his eyes and grabbed his razor.

“You wouldn’t be interested if she became a Christian?”

“Would you marry a woman like her?”

Garrett blinked at him.

Oh. He scratched his arm. “Sorry, man. I didn’t mean…” Sheesh. Foot in mouth.

“Guess my dating options are thin, huh?”

Dillan shrugged.

“No, it’s true. I felt it when I moved back home, and, man, do I feel it now. Got to date the new women before they hear too much. I was going to ask Amanda out, but Cam—”

“Beat you to it?” Dillan grinned. “Me too.”

“You like her?”

“No. I mean, she’s fine. I guess I was thinking that if you ask them, they’ll be the one.”

“Got it.”

Which sounded stupid, now that he thought about it. “You and Tracy are really over?”

Garrett rubbed the edge of the doorjamb. “I made a mess of it. She’s done.”

“No second chance?”

He shook his head, eyes thin, mouth twisted.

Despite the stupidity of what he’d done, Garrett had really seemed to love Tracy. Now he seemed… less without her.

“Did Pastor tell you we’re meeting each week?”

Dillan raised his eyebrows. “No.”

“Thursday nights.” Garrett cleared his throat. His gaze stayed glued to the chipped doorjamb.

“Pastor’s idea?”

“Mine. We’ve already met once.”

“Good for you, man.”

Garrett’s shiny eyes met his, then slipped away. “I’m sick of struggling. Will you pray for me? That I kick this thing once and for all?”

Garrett had never asked him to pray. “I’ll pray, man.” Hard.

So this was Jordan’s and Tracy’s Bible study.

A crowd of twenty- to thirty-somethings filled a roomful of metal folding chairs. Jordan and Matt sat in the back row, lost in conversation, and at the opposite end Cam sat next to the redhead from Dillan’s party, his arm across the back of her chair. He lifted a hand in greeting, and Miska waved back.

Seated in front of Cam, Miska glanced around the packed room. Lots of familiar faces, but where was—

There. Near the front. Dillan sat hunched over, elbows on his knees and fingers linked while he talked with someone.

One of the men on the front row walked to the podium. “Guys, we’re going to get started,” he said, adjusting the podium’s height.

The chatter dwindled.

“We’re on chapter three tonight in our study guide, which also covers the third chapter of John.”

Miska sent Tracy a puzzled look.

Tracy leaned closer. “We’re studying John for the summer.”

No wonder Tracy knew so much about the book. “Who’s the guy?”

“His name’s Austin. He’s doing an internship. Why?” Tracy grinned. “You interested?”

Miska rolled her eyes.

Behind her Cam began reading about a man named Nicodemus who asked Jesus how he could be born again. Then Matt took over as Jesus asked this man who was a teacher of Israel how he didn’t know these things.

Miska’s finger stayed next to one of the verses Cam had read, and when the group finished the chapter, she went back to verse two and reread what this man had said—that they knew Jesus was from God because no one could do the signs he’d done unless he was from God.

Just what Dillan had said that morning—which meant this conversation was probably important.

The discussion began, people sharing answers to the book’s questions and asking questions of their own. Concepts swirled around her, the idea of the world being condemned, of God sending his son so that anyone who believed could be free of condemnation.

God and Jesus had always been a swear word, an outdated lifestyle, but now she wasn’t sure. Living like Dillan, like Tracy—where was the bondage in that? Tracy hadn’t slept with Garrett which turned out to be a good thing, and Dillan waited for a woman who would be loved more than any woman she’d ever known. His waiting now seemed like the most wonderful thing ever.

When the discussion finished, they divided into groups to pray. Amanda—the redhead dating Cam—joined Tracy and Miska. People huddled together, heads bent close, voices rising throughout the room as they prayed to this God who was far wiser than anyone she’d ever met.

While Tracy prayed for Amanda’s new job, for Matt’s friends who’d just deployed, and for some other guy’s sister who was away from God, Miska sent up her own frantic prayer—that somehow God wouldn’t ignore her, that she’d be good enough for him, that he’d look past everything she’d done.

That somehow he’d give her a chance.

What
did
God think of women who slept with married men?

She’d always comforted herself with Mark’s words, that the marriage was about to end. She hadn’t been the one to break it up; Darcie had done that.

The truths she knew now didn’t match Mark’s story. They were trying to have a baby. They were known to go to NBA games. None of that sounded like a marriage about to end.

Had Mark been stringing her along? All this time?

More importantly, would he show up at her place tonight?

After giving her condo a thorough cleaning, Miska met Adrienne at a salon for a mani-pedi. Adrienne went on about a new author they’d signed, how good the book was, how great the sex scenes were, but the details didn’t thrill Miska like they used to. All she could think of was what the poor woman would deal with when she was all used up and discarded. Because that’s how it would end in real life. That’s how it always ended.

Even with Tracy and Garrett.

So what’s the point?

The thought hounded her. She picked up a Lou Malnatti’s pizza on the way home, sans garlic, and bought an extra one for her freezer, just in case Mark wanted some.

While the pizza cooked, she watched SportsCenter for details on Mark’s game in Colorado. It had gone into extra innings. She checked the clock. Another hour until his plane left, an hour and a half for the flight. She calculated time for the plane to be emptied onto buses, for the buses to reach the hotel, for him to get his room like he always did, and pack a smaller bag for her place. Four hours from now she’d know where she stood with Mark.

But where did he stand with her?

She still needed him. She hadn’t felt the financial pinch yet, but give it another month, and she’d have to make some decisions. If Mark showed up, well…

She blew a deep breath against her fists.

Tracy had asked about her plans for the weekend. She’d answered as truthfully as she could, that it depended on Mark.

“Will you be safe?” Tracy had asked.

Mark wouldn’t hurt her. “I’ll be fine,” she’d answered. No matter what happened.

At one in the morning, Miska slipped out of her body-hugging skirt and beaded tunic and went to bed.

On Friday, she stayed up until midnight. The game against the White Sox had been over for two and a half hours.

On Saturday afternoon, she watched him pitch seven innings and give up three runs. The clock slowly ticked from six to seven to eight to nine to ten.

He wasn’t coming.

One last game tomorrow at one, but as soon as the game ended, the team would drive home to Milwaukee. She checked his schedule. He didn’t come back to Chicago until late July, his last Chicago trip of the season.

What was she going to do?

There was no point in borrowing trouble. Maybe by his next trip he’d have forgiven her. She could make it until then.

She put her glass in the dishwasher and turned off the lights. Warm, rectangular lamplight from her bedroom fell on the living room hardwoods, guiding her to her bed, to sleep, to a new day that was empty because she’d cleared it for Mark.

So she’d fill it. With Tracy. With Dillan.

With church.

Tracy eased back in her chair, hand over her stomach. “Best pizza ever.”

Miska had invited Tracy over after Sunday morning church to eat the pizza she’d bought for Mark. “I know. The garlic makes it.”

“Totally, although I don’t know how anyone’s going to stand talking to me. Those poor kids tomorrow.”

“Maybe they’ll pass out before you stick them.”

Tracy laughed. “You might be on to something.” She scooped up her plate and silverware and carried them to the kitchen. “So whatever happened with Mark?”

Miska grabbed her own dishes. “He never showed.”

“Did he call?”

“Nope.” She set her dishes beside the sink.

Tracy rinsed them.

“I hoped he’d at least stop in, you know? See how things felt.”

“I’m sorry, Miska.”

So was she. Sort of. “I’m okay. I’ve got other things in my life.”

“Like?”

“You. My dad. Work. Church.” Dillan, sort of. He’d sat three rows ahead of them this morning. She’d had the hardest time keeping her gaze off him.

“You feel like you fit in there?”

“Between you and Jordan, yes.”

“Good. You do belong, you know.”

She shrugged a shoulder. She’d caught looks from a couple single guys. Whether it was because they knew her history or not—either way it made her uncomfortable. “When I’m at your church, I’m intrigued, but I don’t really belong.”

“Sure you do.”

“No, I don’t. I’m so different than everyone else.”

“Come on—”

“I
am
.” She shook her head, surprised at the emotions clogging her throat. “I look at someone like Dillan and—” Had she really just said that? “And that Austin who leads the John study, all those other guys—Cam and Matt—they’d never look twice at me, not once they knew.”

Look at Ethan. He knew something. He might not have been at church that morning, but he’d be back. If he hadn’t shared his knowledge with others, he would when someone mentioned her.

Could she go back once it all came out? Because the only person who would stand beside her was Tracy.

“I can guarantee Austin won’t look at you. I hear he’s engaged. Frankly, I think you and Dillan are cute. You should have heard the teasing he got after Memorial Day. Everyone gave him a hard time about flirting with you.”

“He wasn’t flirting.”

“Umm, yeah, he was. Dillan plays it safe. He doesn’t do anything that might make a woman think he’s interested, but the way he acted with you…” Tracy grinned. “The guys gave him a hard time.”

“Wish I could have seen that.” She bit her grin into a nonchalant smile. “Does he blush?”

“He was blushing all over the place. Poor guy.”

“Why is he still single?” The words were out before she could think them. She sucked in a breath, praying Tracy wouldn’t see the obvious.

But Tracy studied her. “I’ve wondered that. I tried setting him up, but he wasn’t interested. Said he’d wait for God to bring her at the right time. I think he worries about causing problems with women at church if it doesn’t work.”

“He told me that.”

“You’ve had this conversation?”

Her skin warmed, remembering how he’d talked about waiting for his wife, waiting to give all of himself to her. No baggage. No past. “Awhile back.”

“Hmm.”

She couldn’t meet Tracy’s gaze and fingered the counter’s edge.

“Miska, he’s a great guy.”

“Yeah.”

“Miska.”

Tracy’s tone pulled her back. “What?”

“It’s okay. I won’t say anything.”

How was she going to get over Dillan? “I feel like such a dork, like I’m back in middle school and hitting puberty.”

Tracy laughed.

“It’s not funny.” She smiled anyway. “I don’t know how to act around him. I can’t read him. And he knows so much stuff about me—which never bothered me before—but I know how he lives. I know he’s waited. Tracy, what do I do?”

“Honey, you’re not right for him. Not now. You can’t be a couple unless you believe in God the same way he does, and you can’t fake that. I’m serious. He’ll know in a second whether it’s real or not.”

“So…”

“You learn about God. You study his Word and decide for yourself what you believe. From there…” Tracy shrugged.

It sounded so good, like maybe she had a chance, but Tracy didn’t know everything. “Even then he’d never look at me. He wants a virgin. Someone clean and perfect. Someone the opposite of me.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do know that. He’s said so.”

Something shifted in Tracy’s eyes. “He said that?”

“He did.” She could still hear him asking how she’d feel if someone waited for her, if it wouldn’t be a gift. She swallowed her regret. “I wish I’d known that there were men like Dillan, but I didn’t, Tracy. All the men I know take. They take and take, and I was dumb enough to give it to them. To think that what they offered was good.”

“Now you know.”

“And it’s too late.”

“Miska, it’s not. Now you know, and it can change your future.”

She shook her head. Not when the man she wanted had such high, high standards.

Such wisdom had come far too late.