Keeping the Moon (16 page)

I kept trying to glimpse my own reflection each time a car lit up the rearview mirror; I was sure I'd find the old me staring back, my hair ragged and black, my lip ring glinting. Instead, I saw that same pretty girl Isabel had created. And I was surprised every time, sure she wasn't real.

It seemed there
was
some social life in Colby and we found it

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at the public beach. The Colby fireworks were the event of the summer. We took our place, parking at the end of a long row of cars by some dunes.

Morgan opened her door and the dome light came on. Isabel pulled down the visor and looked in her mirror. "Nose check," she said.

Morgan peered in the rearview, turning up her head and checking her nostrils. "Okay here."

"Here too."

"How's my lipstick?" Morgan asked.

Isabel glanced at her. "Good. Mine?"

"Good."

If this was what girls did, I wasn't quite sure I really wanted to know about it.

Isabel turned around. "Ready?" she asked me.

It's easier to be ready when you don't know what for. "Sure," I said.

"Okay then. Let's go."

She grabbed one of her six-packs and got out, kicking the door shut; Morgan held the seat for me. She pulled a blanket from the back, folding it in her arms, and carefully locked the door behind us. By that time, Isabel was already halfway across the dunes.

"What is taking you guys so long?" she yelled. "Morgan, don't lock the damn car."

"It's my car," Morgan said, but not loud enough to be heard. She didn't notice that Isabel's window was down.

We walked across the dunes, following Isabel, who, as usual,

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didn't wait. As my eyes adjusted I could make out groups sitting along the beach. I watched as Isabel smiled at certain people, a beer now dangling from one hand, the rest of the six-pack tucked under her arm. When we passed them, I saw each time that they were couples: a smiling guy and a girl who scowled at Isabel as she walked on.

Isabel kept on going, then finally dropped the six-pack on a small patch of empty sand. I could see bonfires all up and down the beach.

"Here we are," she announced, sitting down as Morgan spread out the blanket. "Big social night in Colby."

"Huge," Morgan agreed, reaching over and helping herself to a beer. She glanced over my head, squinting, and said, "Hey, isn't that Norman?"

It was. He was with a group of people sitting around a bonfire. Of course, he was wearing sunglasses: red ones with oval lenses. When he saw us he smiled and waved.

"Okay," Morgan said in a low voice. "Incoming."

"What?" I said.

"Shhh."

Isabel took another sip of beer and threw her shoulders back. Then she acted surprised to see the guy with dark hair and a green plaid shirt who was suddenly standing on our blanket.

"Hey," he said to her, taking what even I could tell was a quick mandatory glance over at me and Morgan. He had very white teeth. "Wanna sell me a beer?"

Isabel looked at her supply, then back at him. "I don't know," she said slowly.

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"I promise I'll drink it here," he said, leaning down a little closer.

"Gag," Morgan whispered to me. "Old line."

"I don't care where you drink it," Isabel said simply. "I just don't know if I want to give one up."

"I'm worth it," the guy said.

That made her smile. "Score," Morgan whispered.

"We'll see," she said. And he sat down.

"I'm Frank," he said.

"Isabel," she replied. She still hadn't give him a beer. "That's Morgan, and that's Colie."

"Hi," he said to us. But he only took his eyes
off
Isabel for a second.

Morgan sighed, taking another prim sip of beer. Then she looked up at the dark sky and said, "Fireworks should begin soon."

"Hey, Colie," Isabel called out. "Come here."

I got up and went over. She cupped her hand around my ear and said, "Go back to the car and get my other six-pack, will you? It's under the front seat."

There was a crackling overhead, and everyone looked up. It was starting.

"Okay," I said, standing up straight again. But she grabbed my shirttail and pulled me back down.

"Walk with your head up high," she said quietly, firmly. "Shoulders back. Don't smile. And don't look at anyone. You're gorgeous tonight, Colie. Show yourself off a little. Okay?"

"Whispering's impolite," Morgan said from the other side of the blanket.

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"She's going back to the car for me."

As I walked, I could feel people looking at me. I didn't have my lip ring or my long coat. I didn't have my fat or even my tray and apron to hide behind. I had to fight to keep my head up, to not slouch, to shut out everyone around me.

Keep your head up. Shoulders back. Don't smile.

I could hear myself breathing. I'd always stayed on the perimeter of crowds. But now, as I walked, I slowly gained confidence. There was nothing about me so grotesque or strange that it attracted attention. I blended in.

You're gorgeous tonight, Colie. Show yourself off a little.

Could it have been this easy all along? Did I just need to lose weight, enlist the help of Revlon, Miss Clairol, and a wicked set of tweezers, and change my life forever?

I couldn't believe it. If only I'd known, somehow, and found out sooner--

Suddenly someone bumped into me, hard, one of those jarring hits that you feel all the way down to your toes.

I stumbled, catching myself just before I fell completely. And I felt that familiar shame wash over me. I was a big, fat, ugly loser. I didn't deserve to be pretty. Not even for a second.

"Oh, man," I heard someone say. And then there was a hand on my arm. "Are you okay? Man."

I looked up. There was a boy standing beside me--touching me--a cute boy with brown hair and brown eyes, in a white T-shirt and shorts. He had a drink in his hand, now spilled, and he looked worried.

"I'm okay," I said. And I quickly straightened up.

"I'm sorry," he said, and he smiled. "I'm, like, so clumsy."

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"It's okay."

He stood there, still smiling at me.
This
was new.

"Oh," he said. "I'm Josh."

"I'm Colie."

"Hi, Colie." Overhead, there was the first official bang, and a shower of red sparks falling. Everyone cheered. "You here with your family?"

"No, just some friends," I said, nodding back toward Morgan and Isabel. I wondered if they were watching.

"Josh!" someone yelled from behind him. "Come on!"

He glanced back, then looked at me again. "I have to go," he said. "But, uh, maybe I'll catch up with you later?"

"Sure," I said.

"Okay," he said. "Cool. And look, I'm sorry. Again."

"No problem."

"Josh!"
Someone was getting impatient.

"See ya," he said, and he reached out--quickly--and squeezed my arm. Then he turned and jogged off, glancing back to smile at me.

I waited until he was lost in the crowd before looking back toward our blanket. Morgan watched the sky, but Isabel had her eyes on me. I smiled. She just held up her beer, pointing at it.

Back to business.

I went to the car and got the six-pack. By then the fireworks were in full swing, popping and crackling overhead. The crowd oohed and ahhed. I picked my way through the blankets, trying to spot Morgan and Isabel.

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"Colie," someone said, and I felt a tap on my leg. It was Norman.

"Hey," I said.

"Sit down," he said, smoothing some sand for me with the flat of his hand.

"I'm with Morgan and Isabel," I said, and as I scanned the crowd in front of me I found them again. Frank had his head ducked down, talking earnestly to Isabel, who was half listening and half watching the fireworks. Morgan looked bored.

"Oh," he said, as there was another boom and shower of sparks overhead. "Okay. Sure."

We both looked up, watching them fall. Norman said, "You know, it's weird, but every time I see you, you look different, Colie."

I glanced down at him. Two boys in one night being nice to me. I could get used to this. "Thanks," I said. "It's Isabel. I'm kind of a work in progress."

"You look great," he said again. "You know, I've been meaning to ask you ..."

Just then I saw Josh, walking with a group of guys. He was laughing, and then, somehow, he saw me. And smiled.

"... how you'd feel about sitting for a portrait. You know, for my series." Norman was still talking. I could hear him, but I was still watching Josh, who was watching me. "I've got to finish it in the next couple of weeks, and I thought..."

"That would be great," I said. Josh waved. I waved back.

"You think?" Norman said. " 'Cause I really didn't know how you'd feel about it."

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"Great," I said again. Josh and his friends stopped by a bonfire further down the beach. He turned back and gestured for me to come over.

"Okay, great," Norman said. "When can you start? I mean, you could come down later tonight or something. I make great hot chocolate. I have this hot plate. It's world-known."

"Yeah, okay," I said, hardly listening; I just knew he was saying something about chocolate. "I should go."

"Great!" There was another pop and crackle overhead. "I'll be up late, so just come whenever."

"Right. I'll see you later, Norman."

I picked my way back to our blanket, as the fireworks got louder and louder.

"Finally," Isabel said when she saw me. "What took you so long?"

"Nothing." I dropped the six-pack next to her and sat down beside Morgan, who was peeling the label off her beer and yawning. Then I turned and looked back. Josh was still watching me.

"Come on," he mouthed, waving. His friends, some of them with girls now, were all grouped around the fire, smoking cigarettes and laughing.

"What is that look on your face?" Morgan said. "Colie?"

I stood up. I was ready to walk over there, to a cute boy with brown eyes who I'd met under the falling sparks of an Independence Day.

"Come on," Josh said.

This was where it started.

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"I'm going to go," I said out loud, and Morgan looked up at me. "I--"

Then I saw her. Caroline Dawes. She stepped out from behind one of Josh's friends, turning her head to look in my direction. And she saw me, her nose instantly wrinkling in distaste, as if she'd smelled something bad.

"Come on,"
Josh said again, waving me over, insistent now. There was another burst of color and light over my head.

But I froze, my eyes on Caroline, who looked from me to Josh and then to me again. She reached out and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around. And then she said something.

"Colie?" Morgan said. "What is it?"

It was happening again. No matter what I did, or how the world changed for me, all it took was Caroline Dawes to ruin everything.

Then I heard Isabel.

"Colie," she said, and her voice was very clear through the noise swirling around us. "Go."

"I can't," I said. I knew then that she had seen Josh bump into me and everything else. And she'd recognized Caroline Dawes when she stepped out from beside that fire and showed herself.

"Go," she said again. And she nodded her head towards Josh. "Now. Do it."

"What is going on?" Morgan said. "What are you guys talking about?"

But Isabel just watched me. And I remembered all the times I'd let Caroline Dawes ruin my life. That first dance, and the boy who'd imitated me. And, finally, I thought of my mother,

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standing before thousands of caterpillars, believing them into butterflies.

"Go," Isabel said again. I could tell by her voice, by the way she looked at me, that she knew I would.

And somehow, I stood up and I went.

It was like I was dreaming as I walked across the sand, past all of the upturned faces, the sky coloring over them.

Josh was waiting for me by the bonfire. Caroline stood off to one side, her arms crossed over her chest. She was laughing.

The fireworks were reaching their peak now. I could hear "The Star-Spangled Banner," its tinkly notes rising and falling with each boom and crash. In the midst of all of the noise and color, I told myself I had to look at Caroline Dawes. Every other time she'd been mean I'd let her words just sink down over me, like a blanket shaken out by the corners. But this was going to be different. Whatever she said to me, I would take head-on.

I remembered Isabel, the day she'd taken me home and begun to set me straight. And I saw her tap her temple with one finger, her face close to mine, saying:
Believe in yourself up here and it will make you stronger than you could ever imagine.

And my mother's words:
Being self-confident doesn't necessarily start inside. It starts with the rest of the world, and leads back to you.

Then, with one huge, spectacular explosion, the fireworks were over. And the crowd cheered and clapped, whistling with appreciation.

I stood up straight, put my shoulders back, and looked at Caroline Dawes.

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This seemed to throw her. I looked at her hard, focusing on the white and brown of her eyes. They were just normal, nothing more. She didn't look away, but I didn't expect her to. We stared at each other for what seemed like a very long time as everyone started to pack up and walk to their cars. The show was over.

"Hey," I heard Josh say. He took a few steps toward me. "What took you so long?"

"I can't believe you," Caroline said to me in her snarky voice. She was really too pretty a girl to be so ugly. "You don't belong here."

I didn't say anything. I didn't have to. Just being there was enough, for now.

"She's a slut," she told Josh, and I watched how her mouth twisted with the words. "Everyone knows it at home."

And Josh glanced at her, then at me. I suddenly realized I didn't care whether he believed her or not. I didn't care what happened next. I had faced the enemy. The rest of the battle was just details.

"You're pathetic," she said to me, and started to turn away.